Why is she always The Other Woman

[WhyDoes]

I am so upset with my sister.

Ten years ago, she started an affair with a married man. He had four children under the 10. His wife eventually found out and did the pick me dance. And he went back to his family leaving my sister incandescent with rage. She honestly believed that he would leave his family for her. Not saying she was just with him for the money but an important bit of info is that he is very, very weathly.

Fast forward a year and she’s become involved with another married father of two, again, very young children.
He has said he will leave them for her.

WHY does she always have to be the OW? She has always been this way. Even when we were teenagers she would sleep with the boyfriends of other girls. It’s like she gets off on it.

I’m so mad at her. And yet she is my sister and I don’t want her to get hurt by yet another man who promises her the world then chickens out leaving her high and dry.

How do I get through to her to stop fucking around with married men?

It seems to me that she does value herself highly. Highly enough that she is better than the wife and can take her husband. This is a game to her. She specifically targets men who would be vulnerable to this, and then enjoys the illicit thrills and drama. If she were to convince a husband to leave his wife, she might very well find herself growing bored.

You should point out to her that this is probably her underlying motivation, that its unsustainable and will just cause her unhappiness long term, and that she should seek therapy for it. But then that's about all you can do. If she persists, then there's not much else you can do other than to distance yourself from her behavour.

Some people struggle to empathise with people they don’t know and situations they haven’t been through - could be she doesn’t care about the wife or kids involved because she’s not been though that and has decided the wife deserves her treatment for being inferior in some way, isn’t that usually how it works?

It is a worry, all you can do is not talk about that part of her life, presumably she knows you don’t approve and don’t think it’ll end well?

Why?

Well there could be a lot of reasons and I have met women who fit all of them from time to time

• very low self esteem and a method of self protection from rejection (he can't really reject me because he was never available to start with)

• genuine bad luck and coincidence - it's the only men she has met who piqued her interest who were also interested her.

• abusive relationship where a MM takes advantage of a power dynamic over a younger hero worshippy woman (common in professional relationships - older boss typically and a new recruit who is starry eyed).

• selfishly prefers the 'convenience' to her of being an OW - just the fun romantic relationship stuff without the drag of having to be nice to his mother, deal with his tedious friends and dull interests and having to pick up his dry cleaning.

• total bitch and just does it for fun as an exercise in to seeing if she can get the MM to fall for her.

WhyDoes

No problem - i am happy to PM if want to as well. My sister, like yours, is younger, more attractive and can have her pick of eligible guys too, she just chooses the wrong ones and i have to keep asking her (and myself!) why? why this one thats just not available? Its draining but from where i stood - she just had a pattern, she wanted the ones who were the hardest to get, almost like when she did 'get' him, its was a whole 'well would you look at me, at how great i am'. I would often question how we could ever be related (not great i know) as we are so so so different, i mean, i know the whole everyone is different, but she is a whole different type of fish different.

I would hear from my cousins how awful she had behaved etc, and i would defend her, because, she is my sister. Inside though - i hated elements of her. I always said, if she wasn't my sister, i wouldnt be her friend. She just wont change, or maybe she will, in her own time i suppose, but im not about to just put my life on hold to help hers.

I'm baffled by any woman, in any situation, of any age, who could have lived as an adult in our society for five minutes and still thinks it's difficult to find a man who'll shag you whatever his situation.

She might just be lazy. mM have oroved they function in a domesticated settig and are better versed in attending to women than single men- they also appear very grateful for attention that single men can presume is their right. Low self esteem is a horrible thing. It means ou think little of ourself. Now imagine how alluring it would be to finally be made to feel like the film star in a small village? These men throw their wives under the bus well before they throw the OW under the bus. And they SAY that their minds have been blown by te OW’s special qualities. The only people that know different are wives- who know precisely who the man is under the aftershave and smooth talk- and statistics- which say that for every madly in love married man tonig up at te gym and seductively using his husbandry skills to net another body, there’s a married man who will deny it all the minute his homelife and reputation and financials and best friend (wife) ate jeopardised. Even the MM doesnt know hes about tocrawl back. He wife doesnt know for sure he’llcome back either- or D Day wouldnt be so painful and destructive and would be more contemptible or annoying. But crawl back he does. Stats tell us. Be kind to your sister. Yes she should be less callous and gullible, but for this to be remotely attractive she must really dislike herself. None of us know the statistics we become, in advance.

My god the typos sorry

Does she get offers/interest from other men?

I've got very strong morals as far as this is concerned so have never been the OW but, in the last 6 years, only 2 of the 15 men who have shown any 'genuine', 'sincere' interest in me have been single.

I am single. But I am at a point of feeling that I am good enough to be the OW but not good enough to be the girlfriend because no man I meet who is single is ever interested in me.

Like I say, I don't act on it because I would do that to another woman; I find it insulting rather than flattering; I wouldn't consider being with someone who had already proved themselves to be unfaithful and untrustworthy...

But I can imagine that if I wanted to be in a relationship the possibility that, this time, he might just leave and be mine might be pretty compelling if had come to believe that I didn't really have any alternative...

Are you yourself married op and do you have children? How many other siblings are there in your family? Your sister may be competing with you.

Me too. I am trying to:get out of a relationship with a disappointing, layabout cocklodger right now and word has got around hat Im separated. I have been approached by seven men in the last six months- ALL married. ALL. From different times in my life and different personalities and different approaches- “my wife doesnt understand who i really am and wants a domestic slave” to “i married wrongly and am trapped” to “i would lose everything if I left” to “i dont think we are monogamous creatures 🙄” to “ive always loved you- I’d do anything to have a chance”. Because I’m leavig my partner, and he doesnt want me to, and its horrible, my self esteem IS low. Im still not tempted by any of these people as - as the poster above says- their qualities are showing through and I dont want to be with a creep or a liar- but my god, its easy to see how youd start to think there are so many unhappy men out there- and if someone matching the description of my perfect man tried these lines on me on one of the evenigs where my ex has been a shit AGAiN and ive had too little sleep and am frightened about my future... god Ican see how it would happen. That I’d just believe he was as trapped as I feel right now. Because human. Not because “immoral awful shit who enjoys fuckig up innocent womens lives”.

Just be kind. Thats what i’m saying. Dont dismiss “low self esteem” as something else contemptible about her. But as a real problem shes trying desperately to solve. And you know, the cuckolded wives on here ALSO use the lexicon of throwing all their eggs in one basket and hoping for the best. Amd of being blindly in love and trusting too much. The only difference is that one had the prior claim and the second should arguably know better because offhat. But its the same story about the same man, told twice.

god Ican see how it would happen. That I’d just believe he was as trapped as I feel right now. Because human. Not because “immoral awful shit who enjoys fuckig up innocent womens lives”

Yep.

I've also had it all: arranged marriage that never worked; grew apart over the years; love her but not like a wife should be loved; staying till the children are in college. I've never had any man pursue me who slagged his wife off. It's never been her 'fault', more that they painted a picture of missed opportunity and overwhelming sadness that it hadn't worked out as they wished.

I can see how some women would be taken in by that.

And when I say 15 men, I'm not even including the ones who just took a chance on a night out in that. I'm talking colleagues, friends, husbands of women I know who behaved in a way that, had they been single, would have been very attractive. No love bombing; no great promises but men who were able to articulate what they liked about me; appeared to enjoy being in my company; were attentive; not always overly concerned about being seen to be attentive... men who behaved in ways that, had I been single, I'd have really liked.

The most recent one I found really hard because it felt like the straw that broke the camels back - he is lovely , his wife is lovely... and then he dropped the bombshell that he 'liked' me and was surprised I hadn't noticed and my heart sank to realise it was happening all over again.

So I can see why some women would fall for it.

I've never had any man pursue me who slagged his wife off. It's never been her 'fault', more that they painted a picture of missed opportunity and overwhelming sadness that it hadn't worked out as they wished.

When someone says that and then tells you the qualities you possess that have caused them to be drawn to you, it's actually quite believeable.

Until the second, third and fourth etc time it happens...

People have affairs to escape the person they have become. It’s rarely anything to do with their partner.

People have affairs to escape the person they have become. It’s rarely anything to do with their partner.

Yes, but there is such an expected narrative of "my wife doesn't understand me" and "we never have sex anymore" and the wife having "let herself go" that i think when women hear something different to that they believe it's genuine.

Some people feed on the drama of these situations. It gives them a self esteem boost and for some reason they just consider themselves to be "a passionate person" as opposed to a bit of an arsehole.

"How do I get through to her to stop fucking around with married men?"

Sadly you can't.

There is only one person's behaviour you can control and that is your own.

She's behaving like this because there is a payoff somewhere, but it's not your problem to worry about.

Personally I would distance myself from her and let her get on with it. If she gets hurt enough times then she may re-evaluate her life choices.

Misshelookedatme- exactly. I think theres a real sisterhood conversation to be had, amongst grownup women who understand that lies are destructive to everyone, and everyone loses. women men profess interest in cant be automatically demonised as lowdowndirty thieving diseased scarlet toerags who have some sort of sociopathy or whatever, as wives cant be demonised as domesticated witchy cold nags living off the fat of a man they trapped in their twenties.
Its just not what is happening - as comforting as it can sound. And it demeans all the women to categorise each other that way. Or to believe a man who does (repentant Hubby or eager cheater). It plays into an idea of womanhood from the early 20th century where we were possessions of a man- be it a broodmare or a plaything- and that a man is to be fought over between these roles.

That just isnt the narrative I for one am hearing in the real world. Even the men have moved on from that!
And as noone begrudges a single woman the ridiculous chatuplines of a single man- perhaps what people could benefit from being compassionate to see, is that their husband is as convincing to the Ow as he is to the wife. And as eligible as they are totheir wives (or even, more so- because the OW sees the excited version). And as sad and needy as they are. As we all can be.
Also the irony doesnt escape me that if I were to meet a shiny new man in a bar now - despite being ethically “free” because have genuinely seperated- id have to say I have two kids under five and am separated but living situation is complex and my ex doesnt understand what I need- and would therefore appear to be spinning exactly the same lines that are so derided as sleazy/unbelievable above. Only its true. Its true. Thats why it's over. drinks another glass of wine

She has very low self esteem or she's a dick. Or a bit of both.

Well, we had a chat late last night over Love Island. Turns out this new MM is leaving his wife and children to set up Home with my sister. She wasn’t going to say anything until they’d found a place to live.

She says that he’s promised to marry her as soon as his divorce comes through.

His poor poor wife

Does she not worry about him cheating on HER?

Oh dear. Not much you can do until this all goes t*ts up.

No, I don’t think she worries about him cheating on her at all. She even accepts that he might have still been sleeping with his STBXW from time to time. I just don’t understand her at all. She is so different to almost anyone I know.

She was still seeing her previous MM from time to time until quite recently. He would take her out to very fancy restaurants and she would sleep with him afterwards.

She says that they’ve promised each other complete commitment now though. As soon as they are living together, that is it for life. I hope for her sake she’s right.

"She says that they’ve promised each other complete commitment now though. As soon as they are living together, that is it for life. I hope for her sake she’s right."

You sound skeptical, and rightfully so. Look at the qualities of these relationships with married men that makes them so appealing. She only sees them at their best, without the distractions and stresses of ordinary life "He would take her out to very fancy restaurants and she would sleep with him afterwards." sums this up nicely.

And the illicit nature of them adds extra excitement. A full-time, licit relationship is going to be boring, and disappointing, in comparison once the new-relationship lustre has worn off. I hope too she's right and this relationship won't follow this pattern.

It is wrong of her to go with married men, obviously, but these men made the commitments to their wives. I suspect, if it wasn't your sister, it would be someone else.

The poor wives though!

got to wonder if her outlook isn't so different that she wouldn't necessarily end the relationship if/when this MM does cheat again - they may in fact be suited. Either way, she's clearly a person that is going to have to learn by doing.

At the end of the day, she is not the one leaving a wife and kids, honestly I would refuse to discuss it with her, it's the best way to maintain a relationship with someone when there's something you fundamentally don't agree on. She's still your sister, and she'll come a cropper over this again and hopefully learn her lesson.

Affairs aren't much different to dating, they have no idea whether this is really going to work out long term, but in addition, they are going to take some other people's lives down with them but you can't help it.