Why is she always The Other Woman

[WhyDoes]

I am so upset with my sister.

Ten years ago, she started an affair with a married man. He had four children under the 10. His wife eventually found out and did the pick me dance. And he went back to his family leaving my sister incandescent with rage. She honestly believed that he would leave his family for her. Not saying she was just with him for the money but an important bit of info is that he is very, very weathly.

Fast forward a year and she’s become involved with another married father of two, again, very young children.
He has said he will leave them for her.

WHY does she always have to be the OW? She has always been this way. Even when we were teenagers she would sleep with the boyfriends of other girls. It’s like she gets off on it.

I’m so mad at her. And yet she is my sister and I don’t want her to get hurt by yet another man who promises her the world then chickens out leaving her high and dry.

How do I get through to her to stop fucking around with married men?

• 'Look at what he's prepared to risk, just for me'! And it makes her feel special.*

What she should be really feeling is that she has pulled a cheating scumbag with no integrity and on top of that he is not prepared to leave the person he loved enough to marry and have kids with for her because at the end of the day she is just a scank.

If anything her self esteem should be lower. She will end up like Lola propping up some bar with her mascara down her face and red lipstick smudged everywhere (yes, she will make the red lips and heavy eyes faux pas too).

An earlier possibly unrelated thread included a question about why someone would choose to get involved with someone unavailable. Sounds an area worth some investigation.

midnightmisssuki

I know what you mean about this being a blind spot. She isn’t a bad person. Just weak and blinkered when it comes to men who give her the spiel of “woe is me, misunderstood by my wife and trapped in a loveless sexless marriage. I’d given up on love until I met you yadda yadda yadda” and she falls for it hook line and sinker.

WhyDoes

Yes - i know what you mean - every single time. I just had to give up a couple of years ago because i now have children and she put me through it all the time, and i just dont have the capacity to give her much more of my anymore - its exhausting trying to understand why and trying to think how i could help her - truth is, she doesnt want help, shes happy with thw way she is, its the letting go for me that was the hardest, but i did.

Yes. I think I probably need to let her get on with it too. She needs to learn for herself. And maybe, just maybe she is right this time and he will leave his wife and kids for her. Sadly though, if that is the case, she will justify her actions.

The other thing that bothers me about her attitude is how much vitriol she has about the MM’s wife. Not the children though. She does actually seem to care about the children. But, maybe that’s because she knows that it would be seriously unwise to be any other way. He might be prepared to be turned against his wife but the children are his flesh and blood.

The other thing that bothers me about her attitude is how much vitriol she has about the MM’s wife. Not the children though. She does actually seem to care about the children. But, maybe that’s because she knows that it would be seriously unwise to be any other way. He might be prepared to be turned against his wife but the children are his flesh and blood.

I can honestly say if this were my sister I would pin her fuckin ears back and tell her exactly what I thought about it.

I wouldn't give a fuck about her poor expense of having low self esteem as she knows this difference between right and wrong.

Low self esteem us just a cop out.

Its sad though isnt it - your own sister could potentially break up a family, to take the ideal of a mother and a father being together and totally burst that bubble, its the children that will suffer the most, and your sister just doesnt give a shit - and that bothers you, it makes you sad, it makes you qustion why your sister is like that.

Truth is, i dont know, maybe like you said she gets off on it, maybe she does has insecurity issues, maybe she is truly in love with each and every married man she sees, maybe its all just a game - who knows? What i do know is you need to slowly distance yourself away from this - dont engage with her in any of this, slowly but surely, youll find youself caring less and less. Dont get me wrong - its hard, becase afterall, she is your sister.

Look after yourself - its so draining to have someone like this constansly making you worry - my sister certainly did that, she would dissapear for days with guys and no one would know if she was dead or alive sometimes, only for her to appear later. So so selfish.

I’m so glad you are on this thread midnightmisssuki your comments really helps me get perspective.

Yes, I think I need to distance myself from the drama. It’s so painful watching someone you love fuck things up so badly. It also disappointing that my little sister doesn’t seem to value herself enough to not mess around with a married man, our parents did not raise us to be a home wrecker. But, as you say, it is her life and her mistakes to make.

I had a friend like this , it just used to depress me hearing about all the scummy men she was messaging. I told her what I thought and said I can’t listen to it anymore so it’s best we put the friendship on hold until she can sort out her issues.

I feel so much better for not hearing her seedy updates xx

Unfortunately, she will probably only learn when he cheats on her too.

But does she really not give a shit about his wife or kids? That's also a stupid attitude because he if DOES leave them, they will still always be in his life, and she'll have to build her own relationships with them.

I'd give her an utter bollocking to be honest. And just leave her to it.

She sounds awful you’d think she would learn after the First one. but IMO the men are the biggest culprits in this

Why are the wives always accused of doing the ‘pick me dance’?! Fuck I hate that term.
Like the OW haven’t been doing it eh?

Perhaps he just preferred his wife when he had to choose?

I hate that term to it’s horrible Gertie

But I hate more how some people do it I mean have some self respect if H cheated I’d pack his bags for him never mind beg him to stay ffs

I would say in most cases that doesn’t happen though. In most cases the partner is begging for forgiveness and doing the pick me dance themselves.
Obviously they’re not going to tell the OW that!

As a flip side. Is there actually anything wrong with fighting for what you want in life? That’s not a bad trait to have imo.
Isn’t flirting doing a ‘pick me dance’?

I knew someone at college like this. I wonder if their real issue is to win against other women rather than preferring an unavailable man.

It usually tends to be an unresolved relationship with the father/male figure, and antagonistic/competitive relationship with the mother, when growing up.

It usually tends to be an unresolved relationship with the father/male figure, and antagonistic/competitive relationship with the mother, when growing up.

how much vitriol she has about the MM’s wife.
It's because of what MM tells her about his wife.

She also sees the wife as an obstacle to being with her man full time.

I've talked to numerous OW and until they hit rock bottom...they won't stop.

Some like the challenge and get off on sleeping with MM.

I listen and focus on ascertaining if their needs are being met in the affair. I can't tell them not to have an affair... they will continue because they are blinded by this thing called love.

It usually tends to be an unresolved relationship with the father/male figure, and antagonistic/competitive relationship with the mother, when growing up.

Doing the pick me dance

I question how the OW knows she did this. Because if it came via the MM he's a known liar and can't be trusted.

OWs expect MM to be kicked out on dday....what MM doesn't tell the OW is that he begged, pleaded and declared his undying love for his wife and threw OW under the bus.

It's easier and less painful for OWs to think this way and that he's only staying for the kids.

It's a basic lack of self respect. I wouldn't dream of being some man's bit on the side. I deserve the whole love of my DP and I won't share.

I have contempt for women who deliberately go after MM with DC. It's cheap and skanky.

Sorry, OP, but what your DS does is ugly. The only thing you can do is to keep pointing out that by going after MM she's setting herself up for disappointment and telling her that she's not expecting anything like enough from relationships. Respect, dignity, commitment - these are worth a lot.

She does actually seem to care about the children

If their parents get divorced they will witness their mother being depressed, anxious and crushed. They will have their family ripped in half and not see one of their parents on a daily basis. Their lives will be turned upside down with the loss of 50% of their finances.

How exactly is this caring about them?

Also, I am a step daughter and not one through an affair. I hate having a step mother and she is alright TBH. If my DF left my mother for another woman I would despise her with every cell in my body.

Your sister seems to think she is going to be the shiny new mom to a ready made family. She is in for a very, very big shock.

By the way, is your sister stunningly gorgeous with a great personality? Your answer may lie there. No rich man is going to give up half his money and lose his DC to anyone lesser, believe me.

By the way, is your sister stunningly gorgeous with a great personality?

Yes, and yes. Another reason why I despair. She is young, single and apart for her penchant for married men, is a ray of sunshine. WHY can’t she value herself enough to find an available man?!