To report or not?

[babycc29x]

My ex of 2 weeks domestically abused me twice. The first time got reported. He left me with a permanent scar. 2nd time he punched kicked me and choked me. Then raped me. I’m literally crying myself to sleep every night. The 2nd time happened 5 months ago I went to hospital as I thought there was damage to my ribs and back. I was given a number to phone to get a swab done for the rape but it rang out and I gave up.
I’m scared Incase he does this to someone else. I’m scared he will kill someone. Prob not the best thing I’ve done but I watched a programme of domestic abuse and everything in this programme he done 😭 he manipulated me, cheated on me, blamed me for everything, even made me get an abortion. He made me lie through my teeth to police to change my statement for him to get a lesser sentence.

OMG YES absolutely report this!!

So sorry this has happened to you. Yes please do report it, you will also be offered counselling services which is sounds like you could really use! (No offence but it sounds as if you may have PTSD). Must have been awful for you.

Please please please be brave and stop him doing this to someone else. can a friend go with you for moral support?

For months I’ve tried to protect him and supported him through everything I’m absolutely heartbroken and distraught I’m not going to lie. We split 2 weeks ago, as I found him on plenty of fish.

I’ve since found out he’s moved another girl in the house. I asked him are you happy with his new relationship? I genuinely wish he said yes so I could just move on with my life once and for all but he said “no she’s not you, me and her have nothing in common we can sit for 2-3 hours not saying anything!”

Every argument we had I kept telling him I will report what he’s done regardless as I can’t have it on my conscious Incase he harms someone worse than me or worse still kill them. but I never had the balls to do it - part of me still wanted to protect the man I loved.

I had enough of feeling like this, I feel worthless and to blame. I’ve not slept for 48 hours or ate. I dozed off for 2 minutes yesterday morning and woke up shaking and crying. I got dressed and drove straight to a local police station. I hate feeling like this - the emotional, mental torcher. I explained everything to 5 officers 😔 I didn’t leave the station to 10 o’clock last night.

I’ve since found out the police can’t find him anywhere. I’ve ended up leaving my area altogether and went to a caravan park with DD. I’ve asked the police not to contact me and tell me anything if they find him. Last year he “charmed” the police officers and they asked him to explain me - he said she’s perfect, I’m sorry for everything I done. I said this to the officers that he will bring out this charm he’s like Jekell and Hyde with woman. He got bullied in his work this was one of his sob stories. I said you can raise your hands to a woman and not a man!!

Feel like a weight has sort of lifted I’m just sick of the calls from everyone. 😔 I know they are just trying to help but I want a few days to try absorb everything and try take my mind off it.

You must be still in a state of shock. What you describe is very serious abuse. I imagine the police are taking it seriously.

Glad you are out of range, safe in a caravan park. I understand about not wanting to talk about it. Sometimes it's helpful to share, other times it just reminds you of a horrible memory you want to forget.

It troubles me that you didn't leave this piece of shit over his violence but over his infidelity. Does that mean that if he gets in touch all sorry and swears he loves you that you'll go back? Sounds like you need to talk to Women's Aid. They'll help you sort out what's been going on.

I'm no expert, but I know a lot of regular posters on this board know loads and I bet they'll be along soon with excellent advice.

Before we split me and DD were going to move in with him he had been begging us for months. He was lonely and had no one apart from us (another sob story I got) one day I had enough and was leaving him, he cried worse than my DD getting a telling off. I’ve never seen a man break his heart like this. All because he has no one. The thought of him moving another girl in after 2 weeks, in what was going to be our house, in my DD room, sleeping in mine and his bed, makes me feel sick to the stomach. I will never go back. I think that was the straw that broke the camels back.

Everyone has said the same thing but the best way I could probably describe him as a drug, so addictive. He was a gentleman always made me feel special. Around January time I noticed a pattern, he done something wrong or he felt guilty he would buy his love and forgiveness. I always try to see the good in people when they are nasty pieces of work and I always wanted to help him, I wanted to help him change. But he was so unbelievably jealous. He could change in a minute.
He threatened to kill me if I slept with another man and if another man spoke to me he wanted to kill them.
Him physically hurting me, has fucked up my head the most. I said the same to the police the raping I will eventually get over within time and counselling. The choking, headbutting, punching kicking, he doesn’t know his own strength he’s going to kill someone and I can’t have that on my conscious. He’s left me with a permanent scar on my face that I have to see every day!! That my DD sees. Everyone I’ve said this to looked dumbfounded by it. But someone who’s supposed to love and protect you raising a fist to you, physically hurting you until your crying in pain. Scared to be around him in those minutes Incase you never make it out alive - scared me more.

He left me with permanent disfigurement 5 months into the relationship he got bail conditions and we still ended up being together.
January he hit me until I was black and blue and raped me. I went to the hospital and told them, I was informed last night they should have told the police regardless. I had numerous messages from him, you will ruin my life - we will get couples counselling. It’s because of abandonment issues - (sob story number 2)
March I tried to leave him he cried like baby on the floor, got the first sob story then I got an older man in my work is bullying me - you wouldn’t believe this if you saw him, picture a body builder getting bullied off an older fragile man!! This was emotional torcher I felt guilty but I still said to him u can raise ur hands to a woman and not a man!!
I’ve protected him, supported him, even lied for him.
His hearing for permanent disfigurement was last month 200 hours community service — everyone’s comments, social worker reports etc, it was a one off. No it wasn’t I wasn’t the first person he hit and I won’t be the last a leopard never changes it’s spots!!

Il never take him back I can’t protect him anymore, I can’t help him, I need to look after myself and my DD. She is more important in this I’ve never had her around him since the first instance. I was too scared.

I can’t talk to family I’m just so ashamed of everything. My father hated him after what happened the first time and always warned me. When we broke up I sobbed to my dad and he said you don’t need a man in ur life!! U never needed one before him and u won’t need one after him.

He told me he still loved me the other day but I was disgusted by him I felt physically ill. He’s not the man I fell in love with anymore.

Well, I'm glad you've gone right off him. To be honest, what you're describing sounds like a horror story. It's wonderful that you've escaped.

I've got to go to bed, but I'll check in with you in the morning.

I'm so sorry that you've gone through all of this!

Well done for getting yourself out, well done for reporting him and well done for choosing to keep your DD safe.

Moving in together would have been awful as your DD would have seen him abuse you and he may have started getting violent with her as well.

You have made all the right choices and I'm proud of you!

Healing will take time but it'll be so worth it.

Oh sweetheart. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. He does.

Please reach out to your friends and family.

I am SO glad you away from him. And your DD. He is a BEAST.

And you have been so brave, you have reported him.

I'm not surprised you need some time out. You have been through a horrendous experience over many months.

PS: You Dad is right - you don't need a man in your life. Definitely not that bastard. Your Dad will always be there for you. Please talk to him.

Keep posting on here so that we know you're OK.

It will get better with time. Honest.

Yesterday I decided to leave my area and get away to see my DD at the caravan park she is with my dad. I kept getting calls. I asked the police I didn’t want an update as they wanted a description of him and his car as they were struggling to get him. I wanted to try and forget and try enjoy my time with DD. About 9.30 last night another phone call I declined it I knew straight away it was the police with an update.

Today I’ve woke up in pain, done the loo, in absoulte agony. Something was nipping. So I got my trusty mirror and had a check - blisters . Straight on the phone to sexual health clinic explained the situation and got an appointment.

Within 10/15 minutes of that call for another one from the police, “I know you don’t want an update and I totally respect that but I’m phoning to see if you are ok, if we can chat next week... meanwhile I’m on the phone do u want an update?”
“We got him yesterday interviewed him, he denied any wrong doing and said things were consensual! This is normal don’t worry!”

I have no idea If there’s special conditions or if he’s been released.

Before the appointment I planned to take a wander round the shops because I was early. Walked in one shop and had a panic attack I started crying in the middle of a shop! I ran to my car and honestly wanted to drive into a wall I wanted to escape.

I phoned woman’s aid for someone to talk to. The woman was so nice about things and offered me to go to a drop in session and talk things through. I could feel myself calming down.

I went to the local sexual health clinic got checked and she said your right blisters upon blisters are forming all near there are 4 in total. My ex had herpes and had it for years. He had to take anicloiver every day and has done for years because his was never going away because he didn’t bother with treatment to begin with. She gave me the same medication. For the next 5 days she said it can be herpes or syphillis. Won’t know until the tests come back.

I’m honestly so lost the now I feel like if I’m out in public I’m so scared of what’s round the corner. I’m currently hiding out at my dads house round the back where no one can see me. First time I’ve felt at ease today.

I got really badly beaten up by a boyfriend once. Two black eyes, a broken nose and my top lip split right up to my nose. The scar has faded a lot over the years.

I felt really ashamed and embarrassed. Not because I thought it was my fault but because I felt it somehow said something about me. That I was the sort of woman who got beaten up.

So I understand you don't want to talk about it. But I found that the people who loved me - and lots of other people too - didn't think any the worse of me. It was the bastard who attacked me that came in for all the hatred and contempt. Decent men - like your dad - hate wife beaters.

Your feelings are understandable but they're not objective. The objective fact is that you have been seriously assaulted by a piece of shit. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Have some and

Thanks hunni, I dunno why but I feel even chatting on this helps a bit hearing other women’s experiences always makes me think, there’s eventually going to be a light at the end of the tunnel, could take weeks months or years but I know I will be fine eventually.

I was the exact same the first time I was ashamed more than anything to tell anyone or discuss with anyone. The 2nd time I couldn’t get over it, I kept mentioning it in the relationship When we argued, I clearly wasn’t over it cause I knew it wasn’t a one off, I knew he was capable of hitting me again.

I feel that bad the now I hate the thought of another man even near me now. I think I’ve went through every emotion today, I’m angry one minute, crying the next, panic attack and feeling relieved.

When I told women’s aid counsellor what happened she just said a year an a half you have been through a horrific experience, you’ve came out strong and you don’t realise it. It takes a strong woman to stand up and report what he’s done. He’s a dangerous manipulitive man who preys on vulnerable woman (single parents) For you to say the rape will mean nothing in time, the physical harm bothers you more Incase he kills a woman in the future this shows how courageous you are, your not doing this for yourself, your doing this for every woman in his past and his future.
Her saying that made me feel like I wasn’t hyperventilating as much, made me feel like I’ve done the right thing and I’m not protecting this bastard anymore.

Wow! What an amazing thing to hear! You must feel so proud. And she's right. You wrote about worrying he'd kill some other poor woman. You're thinking of the bigger picture. And it takes a lot of courage to do what you've done.

Your courage got you this far and it's not going to go away. As you say, you will be fine eventually.

In the meantime you're having panic attacks, angry, weepy - well I guess that's what you'd expect. It's early days. Try focusing on the anger, maybe? I'm no expert but it makes sense that getting angry at the bastard might be more helpful. He deserves your anger. You don't deserve to be unhappy.

I looked up about herpes and syphillis. I knew I remembered something. Syphillis sores are usually painless. Herpes ones are sore and itchy. Here's a link about syphillis. It says the sores don't hurt.

You're doing amazing OP! Stay strong lovely.
You really are an incredible woman.

Just wanted to say you are awesome, baby.

Keep going, each day it will get a little bit easier. And he's now on record.

You have totally done the right thing. A big thing. A massive thing!

Total respect for you.

Rest up, enjoy the sunshine and start healing.

Thank you everyone

I always remember the first time he hit me how I felt, I felt sorry for his gran, I didn’t want the hassle going to her door. She WAS a lovely little woman. I kept apologising for to her for what he done to me.

Then over a month ago she said “can’t believe u might be going to jail for hitting some CUNT” right in front of me. He said nothing and I went he’s been told “a fine or community service for hitting SOMECUNT!!” And I never went back in her house he never stood up for me. I lost all respect for this old woman.

Then the next day he had a hearing to be told the case is getting referred for reports to see if he’s capable of doing this again.
She phoned him “next time you 2 fight fucking murder her!!” When he told me this I just said “thats real nice is that why you were laughing so much!?”

This time there has been no fucks given, I thought twice of doing it, the repurcutions and what I’d have to go through and then I thought what he’s capable of! If it means I have to go through court so be, it would be one less bastard on the street or one more bastard with a record. If it means my DD is safe it’s totally worth it. He deserves to rot in a cell for what he’s done. I don’t even know why his ex’s didn’t report him he’s beat everyone of them.

Really pleased to hear your rage coming out. He's an evil, dangerous man and your courage will help protect other women you may never know.

I'd be doing the same. It's a horrible thing to have to go through a court case but I find that when the cruelty and plain wrongness of something really gets to me, the steel enters my soul - giving me a power and determination I might not feel about less crucial things.

I totally get that. The anger is on another level now. Before I left him I told him exactly what I thought of him. That he needed serious help and he will never change. - He’s determined he will change. He tried to blame DD for things - i said to him don’t you dare mention her name, you don’t deserve to even mention it. Me and DD never needed you before and we certainly won’t need you after!! You will never be happy in life your only happy when ur Controlling a woman! You’ll always be a sad miserable malicious piece of shit!! Your not a man your shit on my beautiful child’s shoes!! The man who told me he loved me more than any other woman, where is he?! The man I protected and supported through everything - the same man beat me and raped why was he not protecting me?! Enjoy your life now. You’ve only went and ruined it yourself cause I will be reporting everything you done to me!! I won’t be holding back.

I’ll tell you it felt fucking amazing just saying it and seeing him panick. He would have thought she has said this every time we had an arguement and wanted to finish it - she won’t do it. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when the police showed up.

Ooh, Baby, that made the hair on my neck stand up. Fucking awesome. I bet he did panic. He really wasn't expecting that, was he?

The anger will see you through. And it's brilliant that you're not blaming yourself. So many women in violent relationships end up thinking that they're somehow to blame. But you're well past that now.

Im filled with admiration. You're a

How are you today, Baby? I've got nothing much to say, just wondering how you're doing.

How are you doing, baby? Hope those bruises are helping. Still think you're awesome! x

Not going to lie not the greatest. I told my dad everything. Broke my heart but I was having horrible thoughts and I thought I had to tell someone close to me. I keep saying I don’t want to be here anymore. He’s made my life hell and ruined it. He’s made me and DD stay with him. I’ve never thought these thoughts in my life I’m struggling.

Ripping the scabs off emotionally is always so painful, Baby, but I bet you'll feel better having told your dad. He must have been horrified by what you told him but I bet he'd rather know than be kept in the dark.

My DC are in their 20s now and I would do anything to help them. If terrible things had happened to them I'd much rather know than be protected. So stick close to your loving dad.

If thoughts of suicide trouble you, please ring the Samaritans on 116 123. I had to ring them quite a few times many years ago. They were brilliant.

I think it may be worth speaking to your GP.

It's no wonder you're feeling so low with everything that has happened but you will come out the other side of this so much stronger than ever.

You are doing so well and all of this is so that you and your dd can have a fantastic future.
I'm so glad that you're dad is being really supportive. You have wonderful family around you.

Please call the Samaritans if you need someone to vent to. I called them during some extremely low points and they were so kind and helpful. It felt so good to get it all off my chest to someone who would listen and wouldn't judge.

Sending you massive hugs! You're doing great lovely xxxx

I went to sleep at 8 last night. I sat last night with a pack of diazepam in my shorts pocket and thought I could take all these and just end all these thoughts.

Past few days I thought of uploading a facebook post about him and what he done photos the lot / what he got for me protecting a dirty bastard like that. But what stopped me is what am I achieving? 2 minutes of relief some people may know what he’s done cause folk will know or a life time of embarrassement for actually writing I peotected him