To report or not?

[babycc29x]

My ex of 2 weeks domestically abused me twice. The first time got reported. He left me with a permanent scar. 2nd time he punched kicked me and choked me. Then raped me. I’m literally crying myself to sleep every night. The 2nd time happened 5 months ago I went to hospital as I thought there was damage to my ribs and back. I was given a number to phone to get a swab done for the rape but it rang out and I gave up.
I’m scared Incase he does this to someone else. I’m scared he will kill someone. Prob not the best thing I’ve done but I watched a programme of domestic abuse and everything in this programme he done 😭 he manipulated me, cheated on me, blamed me for everything, even made me get an abortion. He made me lie through my teeth to police to change my statement for him to get a lesser sentence.

Yeh neither can I! It’s actually disappointing. They said things can take a while like evidence wise cause of the beating and rape in January time, the controlling behaviour, etc

How're you doing? Xx

Not great... furious infact.

I’m furious at the police down south taking there time. He’s still roaming about the streets without a care. I ask the police why is he allowed to be out in public?!!! No answer.

I’ve found out he’s using 2 people as an alibi for the last rape. And I’m getting called all the slags under the sun!!! I don’t sleep around for one!!

I’ve actually went through the police today for this and she said have you wrote anything on Facebook? Fucking too right I have I’m not letting this scum bag away with this I’m not getting made out to be a liar!!!

Ignore what people are saying. You know the truth and he is just doing all he can because he's scared of it coming out.

Stay strong! You are doing so well.

Don't give up. He will get what's coming to him!

Any update op? Hope you're well xxx

Hey @mrstobe90 I’m ok been up and down.

No update at all he’s not charged with anything - Which sucks. I think he’s going to get away with it :(

That's utterly shit!
Karma will get him good when he least expects it!!

I'm glad to hear that you've had some ups and I'm sorry to hear about the downs. Hope you're ok xxx

After not hearing from the police I’ve been to work for the last 3 weeks. Today I received phone calls from them to see if I was ok. Apparently they were going to break my house door down. Making me feel like I’ve done something wrong.

Duty of care. I have a feeling they know something and not telling me xx

Demand an explanation! That's not normal

I went to the station and they said oh it was to see if ur ok. Last week he had added my instagram and liked 3 pictures and then fucked off it and blocked me. But I had 4 notifications showing up on my phone one right after the other
“.....has added ur Instagram .... liked photo.“ my instagram was public which I’ve had to change to private now. When this happened I went right down to rock bottom, kept being a prisoner in my head and saying why is he doing this? For days I didn’t leave the house and I thought he’s winning he wants a reaction and he has it now with me back to square one.

So in the police station they said r u ok? N a went yes why? I’m fine I was in my work. U made me rush here to ask if I’m ok?! Have I done something wrong?!

No we have been trying to contact u and we realised we had the wrong number, went to ur house and it’s empty, only boxes and a suitcase and then we got ur actual number.

Yeh cause of my ex I’m having to move house. I don’t live there but yes u can see I’m fine is there anything u want? Or need me for if I haven’t done anything.

No we have a duty of care to check up on cases like urs because he isn’t charged with anything.

I didn’t even bother mentioning the instagram he’s got away with everything so why even bother mentioning it I have no faith in them. I get why people don’t report things like this and frankly I wish I didn’t. When he raped me the first time I bottled it up and got on with it.

I’ve spoke to a few people who have said I won’t be right for a while. I want the old me back. I caught a glimpse of myself today, I’m skin and bones, I look ill, gaunt, I’ve lost 2 and half stone, I’ve no energy, im that skinny now there’s no meat on me to keep me warm so I’m forever cold. Im just not my happy self that I once was. I feel anytime I think I’m getting better again, he shows up and puts me back down.

You have been incredibly strong. You are seriously amazing.

baby I have been in your shoes (almost 2 years ago), my ex was arrested for 3 accounts of rape and 2 sexual assaults. He was not charged and walked free. The police were great and because he kept contacting me the arrested him and charged him for harassment so they could stick a restraining order on him to keep me safe,they knew it was unlikely he would be charged for the other things he did .

It wasn’t easy, I did seek help from my gp and had some counselling. I can’t say I have fully recovered, I’m very wary about getting into another relationship but I am much stronger and happier.

I still live in the same house and I stayed whilst he was missing (before the police arrested him) despite being told by the police and rape crisis team to leave. I refused to let him turn my kids lives upside down.

He’s done exactly that, I don’t feel safe at all so I’ve lived between there and family members homes. It’s not fair on my little one. I loved my house before I met him. It was my little sanctuary but it’s full of bad memories with him. I need a fresh start.

I’ve been going to counselling some days I’m brilliant feel amazing. Other days I don’t feel myself. She told me theres a chance he will get away with it as it’s hard to prove rape and assault. When there’s just 2 people in the house the victim and the abuser. I’m scared of other men letting them in.

Since it happened I threw myself into the gym, hardly ate hence the weight loss. But gained a lot of muscle that I had before. There was a guy in the gym “Ur arms look insane!!” And went to touch my arm, I swear I nearly knocked him out but I stepped back and said “please don’t touch me.”

It’s like he has a radar, Every time I feel like I’m getting stronger, he pops up.

With my instagram think I have a mixture of 70/80 photos and it’s of me and friends, couple of my wee one, but it’s most gym ones and progress pictures he’s literally looked through them and liked 2 progress pictures and recent one of me dressed up going for a drink. So I kept overthinking n saying he’s not done this by accident he wants me to know he’s there and watching.

Sounds stupid but for some peace of mind I went to see a psychic, I can be sceptical about these things but I went to see if she can tell me anything without giving anything away. My friend recommended her cause she draws pictures and says names not initials. So she was explaining il tell u names If u don’t know they r coming into ur life and it will happen and il give u a time frame.
After 2 minutes she went “ur going to England, ur travelling to England to live, I can see a relationship to be again!! By the end of the year”

No I’m not 😂😂 not happening!!
Said a few things about my family, dramas, my grans name getting an infection, my dads name going to be not well. (All this has came true!)
She mentions my ex’s name, so I sat quiet and she went “he’s not finished he’s worming his way back in, why do I feel pain he hit u, I see blood as well. A lot of secrets on his end, he’s ducking and diving, control freak, he’s going to try get u to move down to England. U will no the right thing to do. I see a baby, he turned ur world upside down and U yearn for this baby. (Baby I aborted this time last year) it will happen between 6 weeks to 6 months” please no
She told me hundreds that haven’t came true and she wrote it down. I don’t know if that’s made me worse and if known this might actually happen give me the closure I need to tell him where to go

Close down your Instagram and open a new one, make it private so he can’t see it.

I stayed in my house, I couldn’t sleep in my bedroom for almost a year (after police treated it as a crime scene, took photos etc..), I slept on the sofa, jumping at every little noise outside. I was lucky to have family nearby I could call if he turned up. I told myself that I wouldn’t let him ruin my life and my children’s life (moving would have upset them, why let him do that to us). He continued to try and contact me for a year, I ignored and reported to the police, it’s now been a year with no contact, I feel safe in my home again, I no longer look for him when I’m out, I’m not scared of him but I am scared of making the same mistakes again.

You will get through this and you will end up being much stronger. Not all men are abusive, it’s just a select few (so I tell myself).

Hi lovely

I write to you with tears swelling in my eyes! 15 months ago I went through a very similar experience to yours. You sound exactly like I did in the upcoming months after reporting him.

I remember writing to mumsnet in hysterics. I was at the lowest point in my life and in a very, very dark place. I had the fear you have now of the "unknown" and also the heartache of knowing it was over.

I struggled going out anywhere incase I saw him. I panicked and fell to pieces. I felt so vulnerable and unprotected.

I have nightmares that actually still occur, even though I have long moved on (PTSD)

I was the opposite to you and gained weight. I comfort eat so this was my release. I actually needed to gain weight because I was so skinny. I was told repeatedly that I was a fat bitch so I purposely staved myself. (I was never bigger than a size 10 the whole time he knew me)

I had to go to the doctors for stress and probably depression. I decided not to take it further and attempt to go on meds and instead stick it out and see how time healed me.

I won't go into anymore detail but know that I went though very similar traumas as you had to, a lot of emotional and physical abuse. When the police interviewed him, he denied everything, tried to tell them that I am a "compulsive liar" He held on to hope right up to the court date that I would not show up or pull out. He pleaded guilty on the day.

Well done for going to the gym! It sounds like you're taking the correct path and focusing on your wellbeing and health again and not turning to substance abuse. That is never a good idea. Make sure to keep doing even the most simple of things that make you happy. Rant to your friends and family all you want! Keep busy. Meditate. Focus on a goal or passion that you've always wanted to do. You will have bad days but also good days, eventually more good than bad. Keep those positive thoughts flowing!

Incase you were wondering, I am doing fantastic now! I crossed off so many things on my bucket list, dated wonderful people who showed me what a healthy and loving relationship should be like, I focus on my health more, I have stronger bonds with friends and family, I learnt to love and find myself again. I am so much happier and no longer have to live on egg shells. I am stronger and wiser and often look back and wonder what I ever saw in him!

Now please listen to what I have to say. What you have done is incredibly brave. You are so strong. It takes a whole lot of power to make that phone call. Regardless of what happens now, if he gets punishment or not, it doesn't matter! You have won. You have left the relationship. You will move on. You will be happy. As for him, he will never change. His behaviour patterns will only get worse and it will one day catch up on him and it will only end badly!

And one day sweet you will be giving another girl this advice.

All my love x

Thank u so much girls. It sounds crazy but I love hearing other folks experience to this as it helps so much just the littlest gesture of advice.

@lovemusic33 I’m similar I hear a car door or my door goes I run to the window and hide behind the curtain to see who it is. I thought i past the stage of not looking out for him but past week it’s got worse, I see a car like his, holding my breath and start panicking until I see it’s not his registration or I drive the opposite way. My family are amazing my dad is so supportive cause of today he went stay at mine don’t go home. But something in me wanted to go home. I can’t let him my ex win all the time. This is what he’s wanting. He already has majority of my possessions. Which I now feel he’s holding for collateral? Or a reason to come back up!! But it’s replaceable. Like him.

@emmasugar I’m so happy u are fantastic now and got ur life back on track. It’s so refreshing to hear there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

I went to the gym after 2/3 weeks cause I was cooped up in a house my dad forced me to go cause before I met my ex I was there constantly. When he moved down south he wouldn’t allow me to go to the gym and if I did I was sleeping about. I gained weight with him, i was the heaviest I’ve ever been. He got me tablets for “weight loss” but they made my skin terrible. I stopped taken them cause I was gaining more weight think I was 11stone10 when I stopped that was in may. I recently found out it was steroids, that where mixed with winstrol, (I was told off my friend who got them tested) he said these make u infertile, they will make u gain weight and all steroids make ur skin oily to cause acne. I’ve lost all that weight, I’m now 9 stone 5 and went from a size 12 to an 8.
I feel it’s helping me mentally if I have a bad day il go to the gym and lift weights or punch the punch bag.
I’ve been the same called a compulsive liar even a slag, ur obsessed (from his friends in vile Facebook messages) but when I was with him same story about all his ex’s.

Thank you again girls ❤️

Your doing great Baby, it takes time to get over this but you are doing well. Just keep telling yourself that you won’t let him win, don’t let him force you out of your home, don’t be scared of him, make sure you have people you can call that can be with you quickly if they need to be, I even got someone to speak to my neighbours so I could call on them if he turned up at my house. Also, never be scared of phoning the police if you feel so one is outside.

Oh My God! What a week 😔!!

Actually feel so drained. I’ve just had word from police in England they want to obtain a statement from my best friend. This will almost be 3 months why has this took so long to get?!

The police are probably trying to get all the evidence they can use against him. I know you just want it to be over with now. I waited 3/4 months for the court date to be set for mine. Hang in there!

Thanks @emmasugar I understand how women don’t report these things.

I feel like the police haven’t done anything. It’s been strange. Sometimes I feel like I’m the criminal and done something wrong especially on Thursday xx

It's appalling how you've been treated :( xxx

Almost 2 weeks later and my friends still waiting on the call for her statement she’s phoned every day since I got the email.

I have now officially gave up. The less I think about it and stress about it - the more happier I’ve became!

Please call your local domestic violence service (womens aid website will have details) to support you while you go to the police. It's a lottery in terms of how empathic any police officer is so make sure you have some support for yourself in place - a friend or family member or professional to be there for you.

Oops sorry missed update. Please don't give up, OP