DP tracking his ExW and reading her emails.

[NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful]

Urgh. This is really messing with my head.

So, DP has been separated for 2 years. Divorce in progress. He left. There are 2 older teenage DCs. We have been together 1.5 years, it's serious and we will be moving in together.

Basically, without writing a novel, there are a few issues at play here. He tracks his ex wife on Find My IPhone - he has the password. He says he does it to see where his children are (on same cloud), and so that he doesn't ever have to bump into exw. I've been unhappy with this as it smacks of not letting go, and of control - not to mention legal implications of invasion of privacy.
Thing is, it's not just for the kids. The exw had a night out on Saturday and he kept checking to see where she was and was frustrated that her phone seemed to be offline.
We rowed about it. I told him he needs to let go. He told me that he has let go, but because of the nature of the split - she took it very badly and it's impacted massively on his relationship with his children who took their mum's side and don't really want to see him, that he does it to feel part of the children's lives still...or something,

It's not only that. He regularly checks her email. He also has that password - she isn't technogically minded, and he set up all these things when they were still together. He says he does it see if there are any emails regarding a sport his eldest dc takes part in, as the exw is telling him nothing anymore. I think that is also completely unacceptable.

Further, he's been very reticent about telling her that he has a new relationship. I accepted that due to the precarious nature of his relationship with his kids and didn't want to rock the boat. However, at this stage we are serious about a future together. The other week we were spotted by a relative of the exw who reported back to her that we had been seen together. She text him to ask if he was with someone else, and expressed that he had promised to tell her if he was seeing someone new, and that it hurt to hear second hand (totally reasonable of her in my opinion) and that she (and the kids, she always involves them) would like the truth from him.

He text her back minimising everything, saying it was someone he had very recently started seeing and that it was far too soon to tell the children.
Lies. Total lies. We've been together since 2016. He has met my entire family and child many times. We have had family holidays together and we are going to be buying a house together.

He is just so scared she will use anything against him to create an even worse relationship with his children.

To say I'm fed up of all of this is a huge understatement. We also rowed about his reply to her text. I understand he would have preferred to tell her that he was in a relationship and not for her to hear it second hand, but he should have told her before, in my opinion. And now that she knows something, he should have been more honest. Not to rub her nose in it, but not to minimise me and make me feel like a nothing in his life.

The rest of our relationship is excellent, otherwise I'd not be able to cope with his.

I don't know what to do about this though. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or he is. I am looking for some advice on how to handle it.

Just one point - all those posters saying that he set everything up to stalk her before he left, I read it that he set up her email etc. AT HER REQUEST because she wasn't confident / able to do it herself when they were still a couple and that's why he knows the passwords. That's a world apart from him planning to stalk her.
And much as I agree that reading her emails and following where she goes is plain wrong, I can sort of see why he does it because he's trying to be part of his children's lives still and that's his only way in. It's not right, and it should be stopped, but if you've lost contact with your kids then you get desperate. And desperate people can do really stupid things.

Oh for goodness sake....he's a stalking weirdo! Get out now, whilst you still can, and make sure he hasn't tampered with your phone!

I agree with Sassy. You need to tell exw what he is doing.

I found out the hard way that I was being tracked. He arranged to have my mobile phone bill sent to his new email address as a blind copy so I didnt know. He went through all the numbers of calls I had made to try to pin stuff on me. It was fruitless though, seeing I was and am not seeing anybody else, even though we are now divorced. I wish someone had told me. I would have thanked them. Even if it was the new girlfriend. OP, put yourself in the exw shoes for a minute.

You know it's not right which is why it's not sitting right with you, tell this poor woman what her vile ex DH is up to and get rid
You deserve better than him

OP, please raise your standards! And stop believing the utter bullshit he has fed you. You say that you witnessed her ‘bad’ behaviour but you really have no clue, just how much abuse she faced, for her to react this way now. You have already seen some incredibly abusive behaviour by him though; such as his criminal stalking and he isn’t even hiding that. That is probably merely the tip of the iceberg of how he used to terrorise her. I bet you that the real dynamics of the split are very different. And I doubt that this woman really wants him back! His kids were not turned against their father by his ex, he will have caused that estrangement with his controlling shitty behaviour. Don’t be that woman who enables a manipulative abuser!

You are minimising his behaviour beyond belief! How would you feel if you were the ex wife and you found all this out? He doesn't respect you, he doesn't love you, he doesn't even seem to care that much about you. Wake up!

If he was that bothered about seeing his children, he would be going through court, not her inbox.

This. Times a million. Read this sentence over & over as this one poster has got to the real nitty gritty here in terms of access to his DC. And what do you think the court would think about his stalking?

I can sort of see why he does it because he's trying to be part of his children's lives still and that's his only way in

He is tracking the ex when she is without the children on a night out and getting annoyed when she is offline. The wanting to be part of the children's lives is a bullshit excuse.

Nike what he is doing isn't stupid. It's illegal.

I expect my XH would have said I was 'awful' after he left - I sent some very accusatory messages, right before I blocked him from everything. It was because I was so distraught at the way he upped and left me.

Does she have reason to be 'awful'? Is he paying everything he should be for his kids? Does he try manipulative methods to get to see them? Because, if he's paying up and accepting that they don't want anything to do with him right now, why do there need to be vitriolic phone calls? Who calls who? Is he phoning her?

She may already have an inkling of what sort of person he is, but not the extent. I second letting her know (but not by a method he can intercept).

what he's doing is absolutely wrong - you know that.

i'd like to know what really happened in their marriage. and you can bet that it wasn't just her being really awful to him, and he was just this poor maligned angel.

red flags all over and i wouldn't be moving in with him... i'd be considering the future of my relationship.

Just one point - all those posters saying that he set everything up to stalk her before he left, I read it that he set up her email etc. AT HER REQUEST because she wasn't confident / able to do it herself when they were still a couple and that's why he knows the passwords. That's a world apart from him planning to stalk her.

The OP doesn't know that. He told her that.

It's understandable that you don't want your bf to be a liar. Who would want that to be true? And of course you want there to be a good reason for his stalking.

But you do need to protect yourself. Don't enter into a binding financial contract with him as long as there is any secretiveness going on.

Have you met any of his friends or family? Anyone who knows him?

Oh yes, and he got together with you a mere six months after his marriage broke up...but he clearly wasn't ready to date anyone. He's so not over her it's untrue.

"It won't happen to me. I'm too smart/strong/fantastic"

Famous last words, OP.

AT HER REQUEST because she wasn't confident / able to do it herself when they were still a couple and that's why he knows the passwords. That's a world apart from him planning to stalk her.

I agree with the pp, we don't know that / whether he told the OP the truth.

However, even if he did set it up AT HER REQUEST... So what?

He could have agreed to do it because he was planning on stalking her.

Or he might have been doing it with her old computer etc as well... (We don't even know if this is something new...)

Or he might have had the stalking idea after the breakup...
Not that much better imo, tbh. He's still stalking her and his children.

So if he is freaking out when she is on a night out, what do you think will happen if he spies on her email that she has joined tinder or match? Which she has every right to, seeing he left & she knows he has new partner.
HOW WOULD YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF IF HE WENT ROUND & BATTERED HER?

Please, consider the safety of you, your DC, his ex & her DC.

He is evil.

It's understandable that you don't want your bf to be a liar

And a stalker. Or in other words: a criminal.

The worst of all is that you've introduced this vile person into your child's life.

If you don't care about keeping yourself safe, think about your own child being stalked for years when you break up with him. It will happen. Particularly if your child is a girl.

I’m not sure if this has been mentioned yet, but I’m really unnerved that he doesn’t even try to hide it from you. He does not see any issue with spending a Saturday night, with you, watching his ex-wife’s whereabouts, and he’s not even pretending.

You said that you’ve said it’s not OK, but how did he react to that? He has had 2 years to find a way, any legal way, to make contact with his kids. Has he spoken to a solicitor (more important, do you have tangible evidence that he’s spoken to anyone legal, and got a real plan).

Even in normal feckless ex-husbands, this is a huge point, they say they’re deprived of their children, but seriously, how much effort has he put in to reconnecting?

I”m not ignoring the stalking etc., just this was a point to do with you. I truly think you might be lucky; he gives so little thought to whether might believe him/be upset by his actions, I actually don’t think he would bother to stalk you if you left. So I’d crack on before that changes.

I just reread your OP. I see the dc are older teens. So what, 17/18 or so. So basically adults. So if they choose to not have contact with their father, than is solely THEIR choice. I have older dc myself. They have also chosen what contact they would like, and I can assure you that I have not played a hand in their decision. i have NEVER bad mouthed their father to them, it is just that they are old enough to see through the bullshit.

And I would love to know your stepdc's (essentially) reactions to finding out that they are being tracked too. I can promise you now, that is isn't going to be a good reaction. You will be tarred with the same brush in their eyes OP. Please take a step back and think of yourself in this situation. I have been there. I don't want you being there too.

I have to admit that after dh left me I didn’t delete him from find my iPhone. And I had password to his email and and read them. I stalked him- whilst our break up was eventually mutual I was devestated he hadn’t wanted to work hard enough to save our marriage and that I wasn’t important enough for him to make an effort and when I realised he was dating and buying flowers and making that effort for other other women within days of moving out I went a little bit mad.

FOR ABOUT 6 WEEKS.

Then I pulled myself together and got on with my own life and now, 18 months on, with a new partner myself, I wouldn’t dream of checking up on him because I genuinely don’t care about him anymore

This man is seriously screwed to still be doing this - run. Run fast

If you really cared about this man you'd go to the police as he needs a serious intervention that you cannot provide. There are offender courses that help tackle this kind of behaviour, he can't get the support he needs if you are complicit in his offending. Help him, help her, help yourself, break the silence.

You also need to consider the possibilty that he's doing the same to you OP.

With older teens they would have seen him if they wanted to OP.

So he treats you like some dirty little secret, even though you've been together for 18 months.

He left his wife, but is surprised she's upset about it.

He stalks her when he has no excuse it's anything to do with the kids.

Sounds like he left, expected her to fall apart and beg him to come back, and isnt coping very well with her coping very well.

Dump him.

Perhaps tell her you've been dating for 18 months, he's been tracking her phone and reading her emails that whole time. Poor woman.