DP tracking his ExW and reading her emails.

[NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful]

Urgh. This is really messing with my head.

So, DP has been separated for 2 years. Divorce in progress. He left. There are 2 older teenage DCs. We have been together 1.5 years, it's serious and we will be moving in together.

Basically, without writing a novel, there are a few issues at play here. He tracks his ex wife on Find My IPhone - he has the password. He says he does it to see where his children are (on same cloud), and so that he doesn't ever have to bump into exw. I've been unhappy with this as it smacks of not letting go, and of control - not to mention legal implications of invasion of privacy.
Thing is, it's not just for the kids. The exw had a night out on Saturday and he kept checking to see where she was and was frustrated that her phone seemed to be offline.
We rowed about it. I told him he needs to let go. He told me that he has let go, but because of the nature of the split - she took it very badly and it's impacted massively on his relationship with his children who took their mum's side and don't really want to see him, that he does it to feel part of the children's lives still...or something,

It's not only that. He regularly checks her email. He also has that password - she isn't technogically minded, and he set up all these things when they were still together. He says he does it see if there are any emails regarding a sport his eldest dc takes part in, as the exw is telling him nothing anymore. I think that is also completely unacceptable.

Further, he's been very reticent about telling her that he has a new relationship. I accepted that due to the precarious nature of his relationship with his kids and didn't want to rock the boat. However, at this stage we are serious about a future together. The other week we were spotted by a relative of the exw who reported back to her that we had been seen together. She text him to ask if he was with someone else, and expressed that he had promised to tell her if he was seeing someone new, and that it hurt to hear second hand (totally reasonable of her in my opinion) and that she (and the kids, she always involves them) would like the truth from him.

He text her back minimising everything, saying it was someone he had very recently started seeing and that it was far too soon to tell the children.
Lies. Total lies. We've been together since 2016. He has met my entire family and child many times. We have had family holidays together and we are going to be buying a house together.

He is just so scared she will use anything against him to create an even worse relationship with his children.

To say I'm fed up of all of this is a huge understatement. We also rowed about his reply to her text. I understand he would have preferred to tell her that he was in a relationship and not for her to hear it second hand, but he should have told her before, in my opinion. And now that she knows something, he should have been more honest. Not to rub her nose in it, but not to minimise me and make me feel like a nothing in his life.

The rest of our relationship is excellent, otherwise I'd not be able to cope with his.

I don't know what to do about this though. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or he is. I am looking for some advice on how to handle it.

And a stalker.
Yes, as I mentioned in my next sentence after the one you quoted!

OP is defensive about her bf and might well reject anything starkly worded as "just those bitter Mumsnet women", as so many do when they don't want to hear, so in my last comment I worded it as neutrally as possible while still pointing out that even in that less emotional-sounding version of events, she should still not sign any contracts.

Double check your passwords, your usernames on websites, your personal hard paperwork. If he has the personality to invade someone's personal data as much as he has, it won't have stopped at just hers. This is obsessive behaviour and regardless of how secure you feel your data is, he is an old hand at it.

Your relationship with him can't continue regardless of how much you love him. It was not built on a solid foundation. His head is simply not in the right space and I can say how you deserve much better (and you do), but he needs professional help to move on from his past relationship.

And you deserve an open honest relationship. You know you do or you wouldn't have written your original post. I would urge you again to be careful as this sort of behaviour can transfer easily from one relationship to another when the relationships end.

More red flags than a communist ceremony

The reasons your dp is stalking his ex are irrelevant!
He is invading her right to privacy, stalking her movements
His behavior is illegal
You know he is stalking someone else and are doing nothing except trying to justify his reasons
There is no justifying stalking none

His ex needs to be informed immediately to protect her privacy
Your dp needs to be reported
He is poisoning his own dc against him with these criminal actions

Stop feeling sorry for him if he wanted contact he'd have sought it through mediation/court order
He'd do everything possible through legal means to be in his kids lives
This is the only correct course of action after a split
Instead he stalks
invades privacy
minimizes his criminal activities
minimizes his current relationship
does shit all to maintain a real relationship with his dc

How can you stay with him a minute longer while he continues this disgusting illegal stalking
Tell his ex today and let her take action on how to deal with the consequences of his treatment of her. Because frankly she needs a restraining order against him now as stalking and invasion of privacy are serious offences

He doesn't believe that other people are entitled to any privacy. That will apply to the OP and her child as well. I don't like to say this, feel horrible, but if the OP has a girl I can imagine him rooting through her knickers drawer and dirty clothes basket when she's a teenager. He's that vile, and that lacking in any sense of decency.

He’s a stalker.
How can you stay with a man who invests so much emotional energy in his ex wife?
I just hope that you do the right thing and get out now

It worries me that he’s happy for you to know this.

Either he thinks it’s normal (red flag) or it’s just the tip of the iceberg (quite likely).

Also, my ex told his next wife that he’d left me and I was bitter so that’s why he didn’t see or support the kids. That could not have been further from the truth (I did a midnight flit with nothing to get away from him).

How do you KNOW he left her?

You need to get your head out of your arse!!

Wtf would you be okay being in a relationship with someone who is so obsessed with another woman he stalks her every move!!!

Why do you believe his version of events so much? He's manipulated you into thinking this isn't that big a deal, seems youre starting to realise it is, why are you clinging so hard to his version of why he split up with her? HE'S A LIER!

Also those children are old enough to know their own minds. I'd honestly bet they don't want to see their dad because he is a controlling prick.

Im honestly flabbergasted that someone would be so willing to accept this and want a future with this guy.

If nothing else gets through to you, Again he's obsessed with another woman! He can't be fully committed to you because he's still committed to her (whether she knows it or not) he's a creepy fucker!!!!!

I would not be continuing in a relationship with this man. I’m not one of the normal LTB gang you see on Mumsnet but honestly he has not moved on and doesn’t look like he will anytime soon. You are going to get hurt, this is not normal rational behaviour. He’s lied about his relationship with you, is stalking his wife I don’t think you really need anyone to tell you what you already know.

Would you consider going to the police station and asking for a Claire's law disclosure. I expect they would have some interesting things to tell you. That way you could tell them what he's doing to his exw without you being involved. You would get piece of mind that he's as awesome a catch as you think he is. He really isn't by the way. This would give the police the opportunity to help his exw and also the chance to check your phone for any hidden apps he could have put on the ready to stalk you too

And as for his wife going mad and you seeing this - if my ex had a new partner and she saw/heard our conversations she would probably say I was the difficult psycho - years of mental (not to mention psychical and sexual) abuse had completely worn me down and even the most 'innocent' message from him would make me flip - even though I knew he was manipulating everything and was purposely provoking me - the slightest thing would make me lose my shit with him. A favorite trick of his was to phone me up, say something provocative then whilst I was screaming and insulting him, he'd put our son on the phone mid-vitriolic flow. Years of pressure and abuse makes a person crack and drives you mad.

Luckily for me when I finally went to the police, they saw how he harassed and goaded me (for years) and I was on the verge of a mental breakdown - even though his messages were 'nice and amicable' and my responses would be full of insults.

And aside from all of the creepy stalking shit - he still won't publicly declare his relationship with you after 18 months? Your self esteem must be on the floor - exactly where he wants it.

His behaviour and lying is so bad, I can’t believe you would be planning a future with hm OP, and that this thread is for real.

physical*

Going on everything you've written I doubt the ex wife needed to say anything to turn his children away, I expect he's done weird, controlling things with them too and they're backing away.

He's stalking her and hiding you. Whatever you say you and him is not a serious relationship in his head, he's still massively hung up on his ex. If you have an ounce of sense you'll run for the hills now before you've got no ties and before he starts all this with you. I can't believe you've watched him do this for over a year and are still there. I'd be telling his ex too.

Yeah, I know.

OP is defensive about her bf and might well reject anything starkly worded as "just those bitter Mumsnet women", as so many do when they don't want to hear, so in my last comment I worded it as neutrally as possible while still pointing out that even in that less emotional-sounding version of events, she should still not sign any contracts.

Also a good approach, I agree.

You would be very stupid to carry on seeing this guy. He is a wanker and is stalking his not very ex-wife. Refuses to tell anyone you're together? Are you supposed to live your life in secret? Does he forbid you putting pics on social media or mentioning his name?

Please change all your passwords and make them very complex. He sounds horrifying.

His behaviour is totally unacceptable.

He is a stalker and a liar.

You need to leave him, make sure you protect all your own passwords / phone etc. So the same doesn't happen to you.

And tell his ex about the stalking so she can protect herself.

I think you should really ask yourself what his exw has done to justify your Dp accessing her emails/ location? I suggest listing the reasons. I think you’ll quickly realise that there are NO justifications and be staring at a blank page. Then ask yourself how his actions are helping to heal the rift in the relationship. How are they changing things for the better? I think you know they aren’t doing anything to help build a more positive relationship between him, his ex-wife and son. What else is he doing - other than invading her privacy- to help heal the breakdown in his relationships?

I think you know this is about control, power and ego.

It’s interesting that you are compartmentalising everything just like him. You see him as nice guy but this behaviour completely separate to him because it’s aimed at someone else. Unfortunately you will come to realise that this behaviour is not separate but it’s just that you haven’t yet stepped out of line and he hasn’t a reason to let the worst of it to rear it’s ugly head. It’s there, it’s just beneath the service, its conditioning you.

I don’t necessarily believe he is still in love with her. He probably doesn’t love himself or others. He wants to know he can still control her if he wants too. He is using this information to manipulate or be able to manipulate. It also feeds his victim complex. I think he is also using the access to her emails to monitor her contact with lawyers too and then manipulate any negotiations - all kinds of wrong.

I think you should talk to a friend in RL or a counsellor. This relationship is unhealthy for you and your child.

You also need to let the exw know- but be careful and make sure you have put yourself at a distance from him.The information he has access to will put her and their kids at a real disadvantage during divorce negotiations.

Id run for the hills from him. Hes never going to change. What happens if its your iphone hes tracking next?

Has his ex wife dated op? Because I reckon if she does that's when this is going to get very nasty indeed.

Is that why he tracks her on nights out and reads her emails? He wants to know when another man is on the horizon?

And agree with a pp, this started before he left her, it has to have done. If his kids don't want to see him there is a reason. Is there something you're not telling us?

If it's so upset about missing his children, has he gone to court for access? Is he paying maintanance?
I would send the wife a note re passwords.
And I couldn't see my future with a man like this.

He is an absolute freak, imagine stalking his ex like that? are you mental lady? Get out now before he starts tapping your phone and emails. Hope someone reports him to the police for this, complete invasion of privacy!

You seem as delusional as him to be honest op. Let's just put the facts out here. He is stalking his ex. He is a lunatic, clearly. Yet you feel it is acceptable to buy a house with this man. Let him live with your child? If this is what he is like now that they are apart, I can't imagine what he was like as a husband! If one of your ex's was doing this on you, would you not want to know? There is no justification for staying in this relationship. I dread to think how he treats you when you split. Why can you not see what is staring you in the face?

It doesn't matter why he's stalking her - the fact is that is his go-to solution. "Things are tricky with my ex what should I do? I know I'll follow her on her phone and read her emails". Presumably including the emails from her family solicitor. (Are they actually divorced???)

Besides which his children at 17/18 will not actually be spending that much time with their mother they will be out!

It's very, very crooked thinking. The opposite of what you should want in a long term partner.
Stop trying to defend the indefensible.

And I don't care what he has told you, there is not a hope in hell that he left her. Not a chance.