DP tracking his ExW and reading her emails.

[NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful]

Urgh. This is really messing with my head.

So, DP has been separated for 2 years. Divorce in progress. He left. There are 2 older teenage DCs. We have been together 1.5 years, it's serious and we will be moving in together.

Basically, without writing a novel, there are a few issues at play here. He tracks his ex wife on Find My IPhone - he has the password. He says he does it to see where his children are (on same cloud), and so that he doesn't ever have to bump into exw. I've been unhappy with this as it smacks of not letting go, and of control - not to mention legal implications of invasion of privacy.
Thing is, it's not just for the kids. The exw had a night out on Saturday and he kept checking to see where she was and was frustrated that her phone seemed to be offline.
We rowed about it. I told him he needs to let go. He told me that he has let go, but because of the nature of the split - she took it very badly and it's impacted massively on his relationship with his children who took their mum's side and don't really want to see him, that he does it to feel part of the children's lives still...or something,

It's not only that. He regularly checks her email. He also has that password - she isn't technogically minded, and he set up all these things when they were still together. He says he does it see if there are any emails regarding a sport his eldest dc takes part in, as the exw is telling him nothing anymore. I think that is also completely unacceptable.

Further, he's been very reticent about telling her that he has a new relationship. I accepted that due to the precarious nature of his relationship with his kids and didn't want to rock the boat. However, at this stage we are serious about a future together. The other week we were spotted by a relative of the exw who reported back to her that we had been seen together. She text him to ask if he was with someone else, and expressed that he had promised to tell her if he was seeing someone new, and that it hurt to hear second hand (totally reasonable of her in my opinion) and that she (and the kids, she always involves them) would like the truth from him.

He text her back minimising everything, saying it was someone he had very recently started seeing and that it was far too soon to tell the children.
Lies. Total lies. We've been together since 2016. He has met my entire family and child many times. We have had family holidays together and we are going to be buying a house together.

He is just so scared she will use anything against him to create an even worse relationship with his children.

To say I'm fed up of all of this is a huge understatement. We also rowed about his reply to her text. I understand he would have preferred to tell her that he was in a relationship and not for her to hear it second hand, but he should have told her before, in my opinion. And now that she knows something, he should have been more honest. Not to rub her nose in it, but not to minimise me and make me feel like a nothing in his life.

The rest of our relationship is excellent, otherwise I'd not be able to cope with his.

I don't know what to do about this though. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or he is. I am looking for some advice on how to handle it.

God I love MN sometimes. I know this is tough to hear OP but you do need to listen. I hadn't thought that he could have done exactly the same things to you - up your own security, change your passwords and get out, please

Run. Really fast.

It's unanimous, he's stalking his exw, massive red flags, run and don't look back.

Please OP you deserve someone who will be focussed and invested in you. This man isn't. No one deserves to be treated like this and this is the mother of his children! If he cared about you, he wouldn't be doing any of this and you wouldn't be his dirty little secret.
Please I beg of you, screw up your courage and end things. You should be in a proper relationship with someone who loves and values you. This man does not - please do not get further entangled, you will regret it.

If he's 'only' stalking her now, can you imagine what he was like when they were together? You need to get out of this situation.

He's stalking her - In your position I would find a way of either letting her know, or telling the police. The ex needs to get some protection from him immediately. He's doing something illegal, and there's danger of this escalating. It seems that the ex might have very good reasons for not wanting to have much contact, same with his kids.

Why the FUCK are you still with this man? He is clearly a serial abuser and stalker of women, and a lifelong misogynist.

Are you someone whose boundaries have been messed up by previous abuse (either from former partners or as you were growing up) so that you have no idea what is appropriate behaviour, or are you blinded by your desperation not to be single.

If you have any actual evidence of what he's doing, inform his ex wife and report him to the police.

God. This is worse than I thought. And I didn't think it was good.

To break it down. I know that he left her. I've known him for a long time. But we weren't involved until a few months after he left. He's otherwise a normal guy....I know it doesn't sound like it.
He has been very fucked up by the circumstances surrounding the split. She has been very vitriolic - I have heard the calls from her. Her family threatened him, she has poisoned the kids against him. It's been hellish for him.

I want to be clear that NONE of this justifies his behaviour. I realise that, and especially seeing it in black and white - but it's quite scary how almost normalised it can become when you hear all the justifications from him.

As for him stalking me - I'm way too tech savvy for that. There's zero way he has my passwords.

I want to support him through this awful situation with the kids and his ex, but he is making it very difficult with his continued denial/minimisation of our relationship and also the stalking behaviour. Urgh.

You've seen him lying to his ex, so you know he's a liar. Are you sure he was separated when you met?

My ex used to tell little lies to get out of a tight spot - "didn't see the no parking sign", "was late because of (non-existent) traffic jams". In the end he lied to me about his affair, and lied to the OW that he wanted a child with her. Have you noticed him telling other little lies? Those are the little red flags.

That's not normal OP
Seriously this is a massive red flag. You need to get out now before he sinks his possessive and controlling claws into even more.
Bet you my arse he didn't like his ExW going out when they were together and he still doesn't like it now. Of course he was getting frustrated that her location went offline, he probably felt he'd lost a little control over her.

A friends EX used to do this to her, he used to text her stuff like ' nice skirt' etc I checked over her phone and yes he was hacking into find my iPhone, turning up watching from a far texting her and he was getting some kind of kick out her getting a panicked look on her face and looking around for him. He went as far as turning up to a festival we was at once.

How do you know he left her? He’s stalking her and has gaslighted you into thinking that it’s normal because of the relationship he doesn’t have with his children, and you’ve fallen for it hook line and sinker. The reality is that he probably has always done this and she found out hence why the relationship ended.

FWIW my ex did this while we were together. Hacked into my social media, installed keyloggers on my computer, bugged the house to listen to what I was doing while he was out, tracked my phone when I went out and then tried to suggest that I’d been seen by someone and was lying about where I was.

Several years on I’m still unsure if he could be stalking me although I’ve changed all access and passwords etc, but it makes you paranoid in a way which is indescribable.

You cannot move in with this man. This has nothing to do with his children and everything to do with his need for control. He likely does it now because she’s left him and he hates that he can’t control her any more.

Also if I was you, I'd try to warn the EX

The hills are that way >>>>>>>>>>

If you split later down the line (now I think you’d be ok because he’s still obsessed with her), this could be you.

Also, isn’t it demoralising to have your DP deny your existence and be so obsessed with another woman? I think she needs to know so she can regain her privacy and take steps to keep herself safe tbh.

It’s so far beyond creepy.

He was probably treating her terribly when they were together. The kids not wanting to see him will be to do with that, not his exW 'poisoning' them.

Her family threatened him, she has poisoned the kids against him. It's been hellish for him.
I'd also suspect they had a good reason for acting like this. And that it had been pretty hellish for the wife. These are older teenagers, they may well have a better idea of what went on than you. Have you asked them their version of the story?

I think thatvyhe fact he doesn’t care for her romantically just makes worse, what kind of creep controlling man is he if he NEEDS to monitor her movements and read her emails.

I had a friend who was like that... we are not friends anymore for some good reasons, she is a devious abuser, a man beater who can get to the point attacking someone because she cannot even control her anger if someone disagrees with her or do not do as she expects.

Bin him, he is a seriously sick stalker, and prepare yourself to get the same treatment.
I would also find a way to tell the ex to change her passwords, that woman is being properly stalked and you are an accomplice to it.

Why is it so important to support him? What's happened in your past to make you centre this man's feelings over your own self-preservation? Why does his illegal behaviour towards another woman not matter to you? He is breaking the law. This isn't 'stalking behaviour' it is STALKING.

Jesus run. And whatever you do, tell the ex. She has a right to know she is being stalked. You do know what he's doing is illegal don't you?

you can report him here if you don't want to tell xW

He's otherwise a normal guy

So was Harold Shipman. So are all the other abusers and murderers.

Bloody hell, if my family knew any of my exes was acting like that... they will probably not threaten him directly but he certainly would receive a visit from the police and a call to court to keep him away from me.

It's not your job to 'fix him' OP.

It’s making me wonder why the ex and her family were so awful at the ime of the separation.
In effect, what has happened BEFORE and what were the real reasons of the split? Did he act controlling towards her (as he is doing now) or jealous, checking her every move?

If you have known for a long time, I imiagine you know some friends of hers. What wouod they say the reason for the split was?
Because, before trying to safe that relationhsip and ‘help him’ (red flag form me there btw), I wouod want to be sure there isn’t something else going on. Aka he isn’t a controlling, abusive twat.