DP tracking his ExW and reading her emails.

[NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful]

Urgh. This is really messing with my head.

So, DP has been separated for 2 years. Divorce in progress. He left. There are 2 older teenage DCs. We have been together 1.5 years, it's serious and we will be moving in together.

Basically, without writing a novel, there are a few issues at play here. He tracks his ex wife on Find My IPhone - he has the password. He says he does it to see where his children are (on same cloud), and so that he doesn't ever have to bump into exw. I've been unhappy with this as it smacks of not letting go, and of control - not to mention legal implications of invasion of privacy.
Thing is, it's not just for the kids. The exw had a night out on Saturday and he kept checking to see where she was and was frustrated that her phone seemed to be offline.
We rowed about it. I told him he needs to let go. He told me that he has let go, but because of the nature of the split - she took it very badly and it's impacted massively on his relationship with his children who took their mum's side and don't really want to see him, that he does it to feel part of the children's lives still...or something,

It's not only that. He regularly checks her email. He also has that password - she isn't technogically minded, and he set up all these things when they were still together. He says he does it see if there are any emails regarding a sport his eldest dc takes part in, as the exw is telling him nothing anymore. I think that is also completely unacceptable.

Further, he's been very reticent about telling her that he has a new relationship. I accepted that due to the precarious nature of his relationship with his kids and didn't want to rock the boat. However, at this stage we are serious about a future together. The other week we were spotted by a relative of the exw who reported back to her that we had been seen together. She text him to ask if he was with someone else, and expressed that he had promised to tell her if he was seeing someone new, and that it hurt to hear second hand (totally reasonable of her in my opinion) and that she (and the kids, she always involves them) would like the truth from him.

He text her back minimising everything, saying it was someone he had very recently started seeing and that it was far too soon to tell the children.
Lies. Total lies. We've been together since 2016. He has met my entire family and child many times. We have had family holidays together and we are going to be buying a house together.

He is just so scared she will use anything against him to create an even worse relationship with his children.

To say I'm fed up of all of this is a huge understatement. We also rowed about his reply to her text. I understand he would have preferred to tell her that he was in a relationship and not for her to hear it second hand, but he should have told her before, in my opinion. And now that she knows something, he should have been more honest. Not to rub her nose in it, but not to minimise me and make me feel like a nothing in his life.

The rest of our relationship is excellent, otherwise I'd not be able to cope with his.

I don't know what to do about this though. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or he is. I am looking for some advice on how to handle it.

RUN

FUCKING RUN

I think his main reason is that he has so little contact with his kids and has been emotionally destroyed by the bitterness of the ex and the lack of seeing his children that he does this as a means of perhaps still feeling part of their lives

What are you talking about, this makes no sense, can you explain further please?

It's his ex wife he is stalking, not his kids, he is even tracking her on nights out and getting angry when he can't see where she is. He's also reading all her emails that he fancies, not just kid related. And he's already not seeing his kids, so what repercussions are you talking about?

He's not feeling part of his kids lives by reading their mother's emails secretly and tracking her on nights out.

He's a sick fuck and you're complicit, by watching, knowing and discussing it with him as he does it.

I'm also starting to think that OP was the OW in some capacity

I think his main reason is that he has so little contact with his kids and has been emotionally destroyed by the bitterness of the ex and the lack of seeing his children that he does this as a means of perhaps still feeling part of their lives

If he thought so much of his dc why didn't he stay.

He left and has little contact with them. What did he think was going to happen?

You need to play this out.

You stay with him. You buy a house. His ex gets wind of him stalking her. He loses his job. He ends up in jail. You have a mortgage. You can't pay the mortgage as he is doing time. You vould be implicated. You lose the house. You cant privately rent as they do a credit check. You split up. He stalks you. You end up living somewhere not great for the next 6 years till the repossession drops off your credit file.

At best.

This man is creepy and not really into you. Why would you be buying a house with him and subjecting your dc to his weirdness.

Run Run Run

His ex wife is probably bitter because he's a control freak; if he's doing this to her now can you imagine what he was like when they were married? He probably wore her down and mentally abused her, I wouldn't be surprised if it had sent her a bit loopy and caused her family to threaten him. If he was that bothered about seeing his children, he would be going through court, not her inbox.

I've been stalked by an ex, it is utter hell. It makes you paranoid, destroys your trust and emotionally exhausts you. This is the mother of his children that he is doing all that to.

Also, reading her emails to get updates about school/hobbies is bullshit, he is more than capable of contacting whoever it is and giving them his own email address.

@iliketosmellcandles

Ah, I see what you mean now. I took it that you meant for her to continue with him if he had therapy. I think with someone as determined to find a reason to stay, as the OP, everything needs to be made very explicit. She really really thinks this can be fixed, doesn't want to see what's happening.

As for him stalking me - I'm way too tech savvy for that. There's zero way he has my passwords

So you think all is ok because he can't control you via technology?
This controlling and abusive trait of his isn't going to disappear.....just like his lack of respect for someone else's privacy hasn't changed.

He's going to use a different tactic to control/play mind games with you-esp if/when things end or don't go his way.
He's already playing/got his hooks into you as you've been tolerating and enabling his stalker behaviour and lies.

OP. I could be the ex wife in this situation. Every single thing you have posted relates.

The only thing off is location. Unless you dont live in the UK.

Regardless of how his ex’s has treated him, or what impact it’s had with his dc or how his family have treated him, that’s no excuse for his behaviour and he shouldn’t be doing it. Two wrongs don’t make a right and all that!!

He’s stalking her (which is illegal by the way)
His minimising your relationship with you
His dc and family don’t know about you

Why would you even consider moving M with someone who treats you and others like this? He needs to sort himself out beforehand he even thinks about having another relationship

He is just so scared she will use anything against him to create an even worse relationship with his children. LIKE THE FACT HE IS A CONTROLLING STALKING ARSE, PERHAPS?

He's not "just scared" - he is someone that thinks behaving as he is, is acceptable. It's not. FGS do not buy a house with this nasty man.

Have you considered Clare's Law?

A real box of frogs

This Morning recently put together some useful stalking resources: Stalking Helplines

Reading updates. Phew definitely not me.

But my ex has told people that I have poisoned the dc against him and a whole lot of untrue shit. Of course he isnt going to tell you that she is a great mum and a good person. Which she may well be.

He is not over her and is jealous that she may be having other relationships. You cannot form a decent relationship with this up in the air like this.

Op I really think it would help you to do the freedom programme or have some other counselling for this because you seem to have been accepting this as ok. It's seriously not. He's stalking her and unless you're as tech savvy as you say then he potentially will do the same to you.

Run run run

I think his main reason is that he has so little contact with his kids and has been emotionally destroyed by the bitterness of the ex and the lack of seeing his children that he does this as a means of perhaps still feeling part of their lives

This is a lot of crap. And you know it really OP

she took it very badly and it's impacted massively on his relationship with his children who took their mum's side and don't really want to see him

Gee, I wonder why. Smart children!

As for your "D"P...:

1. How can you stand to be with someone like that?

1. This could (as should!) Have legal consequences...

1. He may very well do the same to you (now or after a breakup...). He might already be doing it...

1. He's minimising his relationship with you... It seems to be like he might actually want her back. Are you sure he told you the truth about the breakup? Why his children don't want to see him (=like him being a controlling jerk, e.g.)?

Some good advice on here. You need to get out OP and you need to tell exW somehow so she can take steps to protect herself. This guy is at best deluded and at worst very dangerous! Don't end up as a statistic!

The rest of our relationship is excellent Your relationship is built on his lies, and his terms. Look at what he is doing to his ex...it's about control, it's about not wanting her to have a life that he isn't part of!

He is showing you his true colours. They aren't nice colours. This is what will happen to you when (if) you leave, he will track your every move. You will never be free.

It would be interesting to hear from his ex as to the reason they split. Because I bet that you don't know half of it.

My ex convinced the other woman I fabricated the domestic violence against him and apparently the hospital that patched up the broken bones and injuries helped me fake it.

I am an evil bitch only out to destroy him and she truly believes it.

Read up on Narcissists. Mine appears to be the pillar of the community and the all around good guy. His children no longer speak to him. His 1st wife supposedly was crazy and I heard her screaming at him on the phone and keeping the kids away from him and she was the crazy one.

Turns out she was crazy after him constantly showing up at her house calling her a horrible mother, demanding to only pay child support in person so he could demand to walk through and see what food she was feeding his kids and so on.

He made her crazy with his obsessive stalking and now the OW thinks I'm the crazy one but I went no contact and successfully got a life time ban through the courts of no contact directly and through 3rd parties.

Oh, and he is still stalking all my social media and even Ebay accounts.

You are only seeing what he wants you to see and considering that so far he is showing you that he is a controlling horrible person, is this what you are looking for in a partner?

He’s stalking her. I don’t care about his reasoning what he’s doing is wrong.

My ex did the same to my daughter and I after I left him. I found out and put a stop to it and he can’t do that anymore. I found out by accident when trying to stop him using find my iPhone on my daughter’s phone that he was/is stalking his then girlfriend within mere weeks of dating her.

Honestly in your shoes I’d run for the hills. And be very aware that if he isn’t already he will probably be stalking you before long.

So he left her. She was devastated. He now stalks her. He has lied to her and his children for the entirety of your relationship.

You've known him for years - did you know her too?

Before he left her he set up tracking on her phone. Has he always from the start been open with you about the fact he monitors her movements and reads her emails?

Don't you wonder what made him set up all this tracking before he left her? And if he didn't want to be with her why would he want to stalk her and monitor her? It can't be because she's kept the dcs from him...as the saving of passwords and tracking occurred before that.

It's hard to accept but this is not someone to be setting up home with, with your own dc. His behaviour is unacceptable. And it is still unacceptable even if the wife is nasty and vitriolic and poisoning the dc.

You have put up with him denying your relationship for one and a half years. His children don't want to know him anyway, so how does being honest about his relationship with you make things worse? It sounds like they couldn't be any worse anyway.

None of this is healthy. To say the least. I can't see how you are going to be able to have a satisfying relationship and future in this scenario.

If he is prepared to keep you a secret to not enrage or upset his wife and children and has been doing so for one and a half years...it's difficult to see how you even could have a future together.

Sorry it's so shocking as this all dawns on you....that his behaviour and obsession and dishonesty and sneakiness makes him totally unsuitable as any kind of partner. Don't sign yourself up for a lifetime of this highly toxic and unhealthy situation.

Bloody hell op. His behaviour sends shivers than my spine. Stalking and tracking his ex? Reading her emails?? How on earth do you find that acceptable? I would tell his ex so she can change her settings and leave him

It seems to be like he might actually want her back

Her to want him back.

He's obviously not going to tell you that she's actually a great person and admit that there might be shared responsibility for the breakdown of their marriage as well... (I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case)

You say 'the nature of the split'. What exactly was the nature of the split & what proof do u have it was how he says it was?
I can bet my bottom dollar it involved him cheating, if not with you, at least with someone else.
If the exW is 'bitter & angry' it could no, will be that he has used one or all of the following:
Financial, psychological or physical abuse, controlling behaviour, screaming at her & the kids, smashing the house up. The list can go on- all very valid reasons why NONE of them want anything to do with him.
And instead of trying to 'prove' he is a good dad, and winning back his childrens favour, he is just lying to everyone all round & illegally stalking their mum!!! If you know this, chances are his kids are aware! No wonder they dont want to know!!!!!
Its fucked up, illegal & immoral & if i were you i would be contacting this woman without him knowing. To a) give her the decency letting her know she is being stalked. To b) hearing HER side of the stort.
My XP painted his ex as a crazy bitch, and that he did all kinds for her bla bla. He love bombed me at first- bought me Kurt Geiger shoes on our 3rd date, said all the lovely things, rang me all the time.
By the time we were living together i was on eggshells, never wanted to rock the boat, he was so volatile anything could set his mood off. One day at the end of my tether I got in touch with his ex, she told me a few home truths about him. Certain things he had lied to me about he lied to her about! Took us the same places. Its like he has this little recipe to reel a woman in!
We ended up speaking loads & she was a rock of support through my breakup with him. I still speak to her even now, shes lovely, not the bitch he made her out to be.
Dont forget, when someone is under an abusers spell, they will be erratic, i was when i was with him.

GET RID. RUN FOR THE HILLS. HE IS AN ABUSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

His ex needs to know that he is stalking her, please make sure, that she is told. He may not be able to handle it, if she starts dating herself.
Please look after yourself, you cannot and shouldn't try to help him, he has mental health problems. You are his dirty secret. Run .......