DP tracking his ExW and reading her emails.

[NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful]

Urgh. This is really messing with my head.

So, DP has been separated for 2 years. Divorce in progress. He left. There are 2 older teenage DCs. We have been together 1.5 years, it's serious and we will be moving in together.

Basically, without writing a novel, there are a few issues at play here. He tracks his ex wife on Find My IPhone - he has the password. He says he does it to see where his children are (on same cloud), and so that he doesn't ever have to bump into exw. I've been unhappy with this as it smacks of not letting go, and of control - not to mention legal implications of invasion of privacy.
Thing is, it's not just for the kids. The exw had a night out on Saturday and he kept checking to see where she was and was frustrated that her phone seemed to be offline.
We rowed about it. I told him he needs to let go. He told me that he has let go, but because of the nature of the split - she took it very badly and it's impacted massively on his relationship with his children who took their mum's side and don't really want to see him, that he does it to feel part of the children's lives still...or something,

It's not only that. He regularly checks her email. He also has that password - she isn't technogically minded, and he set up all these things when they were still together. He says he does it see if there are any emails regarding a sport his eldest dc takes part in, as the exw is telling him nothing anymore. I think that is also completely unacceptable.

Further, he's been very reticent about telling her that he has a new relationship. I accepted that due to the precarious nature of his relationship with his kids and didn't want to rock the boat. However, at this stage we are serious about a future together. The other week we were spotted by a relative of the exw who reported back to her that we had been seen together. She text him to ask if he was with someone else, and expressed that he had promised to tell her if he was seeing someone new, and that it hurt to hear second hand (totally reasonable of her in my opinion) and that she (and the kids, she always involves them) would like the truth from him.

He text her back minimising everything, saying it was someone he had very recently started seeing and that it was far too soon to tell the children.
Lies. Total lies. We've been together since 2016. He has met my entire family and child many times. We have had family holidays together and we are going to be buying a house together.

He is just so scared she will use anything against him to create an even worse relationship with his children.

To say I'm fed up of all of this is a huge understatement. We also rowed about his reply to her text. I understand he would have preferred to tell her that he was in a relationship and not for her to hear it second hand, but he should have told her before, in my opinion. And now that she knows something, he should have been more honest. Not to rub her nose in it, but not to minimise me and make me feel like a nothing in his life.

The rest of our relationship is excellent, otherwise I'd not be able to cope with his.

I don't know what to do about this though. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or he is. I am looking for some advice on how to handle it.

Do not buy a house or stay in a relationship with this man. He denies your existence to his family and is stalking his ex wife!!!!

OP you clearly aren't going to leave. I don't know at what point you became aware he was doing this but I can't imagine being so invested in a relationship that I'd ever accept this (and I have pretty poor boundaries myself). Honestly if you're not going to leave get some counselling for yourself. I'm willing to bet there are already red flags in the way he treats you (apart from denying your existence and stalking his ex ) that you aren't picking up on yet. 100% this guy is an abuser and you are actually enabling him to continue to abuse his ex

@iliketosmellcandles

do you think he would consider therapy?

Why would you even suggest something like that? A straw for the OP to clutch, making it seem like there's a solution. There isn't a solution, he's a stalker.

timeisnotaline has made some very good points.

OP, this must be really awful for you.

think his main reason is that he has so little contact with his kids - No. He's a nasty nutter. Of course he's going to tell you that, but stalking his exw has 0 to do with his DCs.

Serious about a future together - you might be, he ain't. For which you should heave a sigh of relief. 18 months is a long time, but get out quick.

Massive sympathies - similar happened to a friend - all perfect, bar the secretive dangerous streak of her beloved. She called it off, and when she told people about the insane secretive stuff, no one, but no one was surprised. Which tells you something about his type.

You are still defending his atrocious, illegal behaviour.

When you should really be making your own plans to ensure your safety after you dump the bastard

You are being deluged with red flags.
There are boatloads of acrimonious divorces going on, ones where the kids choose sides and all sorts of bitterness boils over. This doesn’t justify stalking.
You don’t need it. He’s pouring all sorts of weird emotions into a dead relationship and rejecting the love and stability he could have with you. He’s sick in the head over his ex. You’re not the one to fix this.

Your last post is still defending him. This is really indefensible behaviour op and i think deep down you know that.

By stalking his ex he's shown he has no boundaries and that he has a massive sense of entitlement. It would surprise me if he's not surveilling you in some manner as well.

It also seems like it's your partner who has been telling you how psycho the ex wife is? This is the oldest trick in the book - take it all with a massive pinch of salt for your own sake. Please don't settle down with this man.

I think his main reason is that he has so little contact with his kids and has been emotionally destroyed by the bitterness of the ex and the lack of seeing his children that he does this as a means of perhaps still feeling part of their lives

You really need to stop seeing him as the victim in all this. You're determined to make excuses for him when it's plain to everyone else on this thread that he is a nast and potentially dangerous piece of work. Why is it so unlikely to you that actually the reason for the ex's bitterness and lack of relationship with the children is because of him and the type of person he is?
You think he's a cunt because they're bitter. I strongly suspect they're bitter because he's a cunt, and always has been.

Maybe there is a reason exW has been so vitriolic and bitter

OMG, have just read you have a child.
You are with a creep like this and have a child. I'm sure ss won't be happy you are encouraging stalking and subjecting your child to an abuser.
Good luck when the shit hits the fan, it isn't like you can say you didn't know.
Are people really so hard up for a shag they'll allow their dc to live with a man like this.

How have you seen it when his ex doesn't know you exist?

“When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them”

No wonder his ex hates him. He’s deranged.

If he really thought that having a new girlfriend would jeopardise his relationship with his children, then he shouldn't have got a new girlfriend.

He definitely shouldn't have a new girlfriend and then lie to his children about it.

You are dating a stalker and a liar. Finish it.

In fairness, his exw has been awful since he left - that's not him telling me that she has been, I've seen it for myself.
You could have thought me pretty "awful" six months after I discovered what my ex was up to. It takes years to get over a marriage ending badly. And this woman, unlike me, was with the kind of man who stalks people. Her family are so concerned that they have warned him off. I think any "awful" behaviour on her part sounds highly justifiable.

If his ex was your sister, or your daughter, you'd be warning this man off, too, right? Or calling the police on him?

OP, was there any overlap in your relationship? Were you the OW? I ask because I wonder if you are sublimely accepting his behaviour, despite your knowing it is absolutely wrong on every level, because you won this prize of a man and you want to keep him?

I may be way off the mark, and if I am I apologise, but there is something not right about the timescales here and men rarely leave a relationship unless there is someone else in the wings.

This is so serious that you are morally obliged in my opinion to tell his ex-W and the police. I felt quite shaky reading your OP and nauseated that there is some poor woman out there RIGHT NOW being stalked by this vile, pathetic specimen.

RUN!!!!!!!!! I married basically the same man you are seeing and after being married 10 years I still wasn't allowed to tell his family or my family we were married because it would upset his ex and might cause her to not let him see his children.

When his kids came over he made me go out shopping it is was just for the day or stay over with a friend so the kids didn't now initially we were living together. Eventually one of the daughters saw us out together and he still only admitted to living together.

Crazy thing is I had to show his father the divorce proceeding papers before he finally believed we were married as he was still claiming that I was just a GF and that I refused to leave his home and why he had now had to move back home with his parents at age 50...

Oh, and I had to get protection orders as he has stalked me for the past 2 years and sent photos from inside the neighbour's homes watching me from their upstairs bedroom window overlooking my back garden. The excuse he told them....he just wanted to keep an eye on his house and garden and not me.

Run, run, run now!

The guys a creepy stalker. There's nothing normal about his behaviour at all. Get the hell out before he does it to you, if he's not already. I'd be talking his ExW AND speaking to the police.

"We have been together 1.5 years, it's serious and we will be moving in together."
It can't be that serious if his ex/mother of his kids only recently found out you exsist, and thinks you're just a fling? "She text him to ask if he was with someone else"

"We have had family holidays together"
But you haven't met his children..? "She (and the kids, she always involves them) would like the truth from him." "He text her back minimising everything, saying it was someone he had very recently started seeing and that it was far too soon to tell the children." That makes you sound quite callous too, of course she's going to involve the children, surely they should be the only reason they still communicate, unless there's something else going on? And it was a family holiday but his dc weren't invited?

Honestly it sounds like he wants her back, so he's stringing you along in the mean time, using you for sex, fun holidays etc, all without having to commit, ready to go back to her the minute she'd have him (it sounds like she's moved on, unlike him). If he moves in with you, I doubt he'll tell her. Have you met his friends and family? The cyber stalking his ex, even when she doesn't have the kids, says it all. No matter what excuses he comes up with, it's a very jealous thing to do.

@juells

There is no doubt about the fact he is stalker and what he is doing is disgusting. But OP leaves him (as she should do) and then what? He continues doing it? Or he meets someone else and does it to them?

NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful - the stalking is wretched and you know there may well be legal consequences when it comes to light. Can you even imagine yourself having that conversation with the police and phrasing it as you have on MN?

I hope that you can see the posters here are showing nothing but concern for your present and future wellbeing and that of your DC.

Jesus Christ on a bike! What he is doing is illegal and morally and ethically disgusting! How could you think the 'rest' of your relationship is 'excellent' with this massive elephant in the room?! And why would you be preparing to buy a house with someone who denies your relationship? Really...I mean..I can't even... just run as fast as you can.

The rest of your relationship is not excellent. It's simply living proof that absolutely awful people can be really good at acting like nice ones.

This is so stunningly simple. Someone who is able to do this is just not the kind of person you should want to be with. If he thinks this is ok then he is really not a nice person at all and there is no amount of doublethink or excuses that make him 'ok' or decent.

And, I do not believe for a moment that the split happened in the way you think it did. A man as frighteningly entitled and controlling as this would not have left under his own steam. Yes he may have been the one to leave and to tell you and everyone else it was 'his decision' as I am certain from what you have written of him that he could not bear to look as if she 'got away' from him.

I would say that it's far, far more likely that she finally became unwilling to be controlled, got the courage to throw him out or finally stood her ground within the relationship and got rid.

You never know what happens behind closed doors, but I tell you, the fact that he feels entitled to act this way towards her tells you VOLUMES about the kind of man he really is. Wake up.

Aye, right, she's so desperate to have him back that she's completely turned away from him and alienated the kids from him. Aye right, he totally wanted to leave and was completely done with the relationship to the extent that he can't bear not to know what she's doing on a Saturday night two years later.

He's a creepy stalker and she got rid. Do the same.

I think he's also stalking his (nearly adult) kids, tbh. He's invading their privacy by checking up on where they are when he doesn't really have much of a relationship with them. If I were them I'd be really pissed off. This is not "being part of their lives" so much as spying on them. It's creepy as fuck.

(BTW, I don't have much of a problem with parents using phone trackers to check up on where their kids are - I am sure I will do the same when DS has his own phone. It's just under these circumstances, where there is no proper parental relationship, it's weird)

Stalking is a criminal offence. He sounds like a controller and lunatic, to me.