DP tracking his ExW and reading her emails.

[NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful]

Urgh. This is really messing with my head.

So, DP has been separated for 2 years. Divorce in progress. He left. There are 2 older teenage DCs. We have been together 1.5 years, it's serious and we will be moving in together.

Basically, without writing a novel, there are a few issues at play here. He tracks his ex wife on Find My IPhone - he has the password. He says he does it to see where his children are (on same cloud), and so that he doesn't ever have to bump into exw. I've been unhappy with this as it smacks of not letting go, and of control - not to mention legal implications of invasion of privacy.
Thing is, it's not just for the kids. The exw had a night out on Saturday and he kept checking to see where she was and was frustrated that her phone seemed to be offline.
We rowed about it. I told him he needs to let go. He told me that he has let go, but because of the nature of the split - she took it very badly and it's impacted massively on his relationship with his children who took their mum's side and don't really want to see him, that he does it to feel part of the children's lives still...or something,

It's not only that. He regularly checks her email. He also has that password - she isn't technogically minded, and he set up all these things when they were still together. He says he does it see if there are any emails regarding a sport his eldest dc takes part in, as the exw is telling him nothing anymore. I think that is also completely unacceptable.

Further, he's been very reticent about telling her that he has a new relationship. I accepted that due to the precarious nature of his relationship with his kids and didn't want to rock the boat. However, at this stage we are serious about a future together. The other week we were spotted by a relative of the exw who reported back to her that we had been seen together. She text him to ask if he was with someone else, and expressed that he had promised to tell her if he was seeing someone new, and that it hurt to hear second hand (totally reasonable of her in my opinion) and that she (and the kids, she always involves them) would like the truth from him.

He text her back minimising everything, saying it was someone he had very recently started seeing and that it was far too soon to tell the children.
Lies. Total lies. We've been together since 2016. He has met my entire family and child many times. We have had family holidays together and we are going to be buying a house together.

He is just so scared she will use anything against him to create an even worse relationship with his children.

To say I'm fed up of all of this is a huge understatement. We also rowed about his reply to her text. I understand he would have preferred to tell her that he was in a relationship and not for her to hear it second hand, but he should have told her before, in my opinion. And now that she knows something, he should have been more honest. Not to rub her nose in it, but not to minimise me and make me feel like a nothing in his life.

The rest of our relationship is excellent, otherwise I'd not be able to cope with his.

I don't know what to do about this though. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or he is. I am looking for some advice on how to handle it.

You need to leave him. Now.

This man is all sorts of wrong.

More red flags than Moscow on May the First

I feel really shaky and upset reading this. I knew it wasn't good, but I didn't realise it was this bad tbh. Seeing the responses in black and white is shocking to say the least.

I think his main reason is that he has so little contact with his kids and has been emotionally destroyed by the bitterness of the ex and the lack of seeing his children that he does this as a means of perhaps still feeling part of their lives.

He is terrified to tell his exw and kids that he is in a relationship because he fears the repercussions. In fairness, his exw has been awful since he left - that's not him telling me that she has been, I've seen it for myself.

If I were you I would speak to a third party and get them to tell her or arrange a face to face for you and her.

His stalking means he can probably get into more than just an email account - you need to protect yourself. He’s not going to like it if he finds messages from you trying to warn her (he might even delete them before she sees them).

His version of events doesn't add up. If he's barely seen his kids in the two years since he left and they've already been "poisoned" against him what on earth did your DP have to lose about being open about his relationship with you? Nothing at all by the sounds of things.

All the many other issues aside it would be incredibly foolish for you to move in with him without having got to know his DCs and how he parents them. If something happened to their mum they might have no choice want to come and live with their dad and you have no idea how you'll all get on. You also have your own DC to consider.

Run!!!

Listen to yourself. He is violating her privacy, stalking her and breaking the law- as another poster has pointed out using tech that he would have needed to set up prior to separating. And you think it his her behaviour that has been awful?

I think his main reason is that he has so little contact with his kids and has been emotionally destroyed by the bitterness of the ex and the lack of seeing his children that he does this as a means of perhaps still feeling part of their lives.

He stalks her via her phone on her nights out. Explain how that is feeling part of his children’s lives...

Run for the hills and let the ex wife know. He is using you.

You’ve only been together a year and a half. I’d ltb personally. The weirdest thing about all of this is that he is happy for you to know he is stalking his exwife. That’s really strange behaviour.

It doesn't matter what his reason is. What he is doing is a crime.

I would also treat everything he says about his marriage and his breakup as a potential lie. He is manipulative, deceitful and controlling. Please please please do not even consider having a future with this man.

Leave him, and when the stalking and obsessive behaviour starts (because unfortunately it will), go straight to the police. And keep a diary and evidence of everything.

He'll see even less of his kids with a restraining order against him.

You say you are too tech savvy for him to stalk you like this.

The issue is not whether he could but that he thinks it is OK.

In fairness, his exw has been awful since he left - that's not him telling me that she has been, I've seen it for myself

But your DP is staking her. That isn't just awful it's illegal. By making excuses your are complicit in the stalking.

His relationship with his kids is not a "justification" for all this. He has no respect for them or their wishes. He has completely removed their autonomy by hacking their mother on the pretence of "checking emails about dc's sport". The kids are at an age where they can choose what information is shared with their dad and when. It's their right to rebuild and work on their relationship at their pace. This betrayal of trust and respect is a massive indicator of the man.

OP, you say that his exW has been awful since the split. Well so has he, but she doesn't know it!

Are they divorced? Do they own a house together? Where is he living now? Are you dependent upon a house sale (his and hers) for you to buy a place with him? Does he pay child support? Is there a child access agreement in place? Do his family and friends know about you?

@NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful

and why exactly did he leave?

Most men in LT marriages don't just up and leave their wife and kids unless there is someone else.

It’s not because he fears the repercussions though - its because he is not serious about you and is still obssesed with his ex. How can you not see this?

Also, you are still minimising/excusing his stalking of his ex wife. Wtf

I am sorry you are suffering. This is really unfair that you have been dragged into this, you still have time to do the right thing.

You are not him, he is not you.

You do not need to a part of this. Thank goodness you are not married and do not have dc with this man! It has nothing to do with your character, but it will reflect (very) badly on you if you do not tell his wife and you go along with his stalking behaviour. It will be exposed at some point, and then you will be implicated.

Do the right thing whilst you still can. Protect yourself and your child and run for the bloody hills.

I think his main reason is that he has so little contact with his kids and has been emotionally destroyed by the bitterness of the ex and the lack of seeing his children that he does this as a means of perhaps still feeling part of their lives.

HE SET IT ALL UP BEFORE HE LEFT.

Sorry for shouting, but you're lying to yourself because you don't want to face the truth.

This man hasn't even acknowledged that you exist. He doesn't love you. His soon to be ex wife is all he cares about. It's not normal behaviour to want to keep tabs on someone. He has an unhealthy interest in her. He hasn't cut the ties from his marriage. It's nothing to do with his relationship with his kids. That's just an excuse and you know that. Get yourself some self respect and leave. He isn't going to change his behaviour. How far down his list of priorities are willing to go? You're already at the bottom. If he loved you, he wouldn't be stalking his ex and he wouldn't dismiss you as someone he's just met.

there is a reason his kids took her side, there is a reason he hasn't told his ex about you, there is a reason he is stalking her, there's a reason he's a liar, there's a reason he's controlling, there's a reason he's somebody else's ex.
those are the reasons you should end it now.

@op do you think he would consider therapy?

But he could ask the school to receive notices - wouldn’t any parent who just wanted to hear more about their kids do this? Instead he’s reading his exes email. Saturday night was nothing to do with his kids, that was about keeping tabs on her. He left her- he’s not some grief stricken wronged party re his wife. You can’t keep justifying this.

I agree with everyone else that he is stalking his ex. But even if it hadn't veered into such high levels of creepiness, why would you want to get seriously involved someone who is obviously still massively emmeshed emotionally in another woman's life. Sorry.

He sounds smooth and scary.
Even if his ex is a nutter too it doesn’t change what he is doing, which is both wrong and plain nasty.
He is lying to her and likely to you. He will be checking your emails in time, no doubt.
Run away and fast you still have he freedom to get away from this nasty piece of work.