DP tracking his ExW and reading her emails.

[NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful]

Urgh. This is really messing with my head.

So, DP has been separated for 2 years. Divorce in progress. He left. There are 2 older teenage DCs. We have been together 1.5 years, it's serious and we will be moving in together.

Basically, without writing a novel, there are a few issues at play here. He tracks his ex wife on Find My IPhone - he has the password. He says he does it to see where his children are (on same cloud), and so that he doesn't ever have to bump into exw. I've been unhappy with this as it smacks of not letting go, and of control - not to mention legal implications of invasion of privacy.
Thing is, it's not just for the kids. The exw had a night out on Saturday and he kept checking to see where she was and was frustrated that her phone seemed to be offline.
We rowed about it. I told him he needs to let go. He told me that he has let go, but because of the nature of the split - she took it very badly and it's impacted massively on his relationship with his children who took their mum's side and don't really want to see him, that he does it to feel part of the children's lives still...or something,

It's not only that. He regularly checks her email. He also has that password - she isn't technogically minded, and he set up all these things when they were still together. He says he does it see if there are any emails regarding a sport his eldest dc takes part in, as the exw is telling him nothing anymore. I think that is also completely unacceptable.

Further, he's been very reticent about telling her that he has a new relationship. I accepted that due to the precarious nature of his relationship with his kids and didn't want to rock the boat. However, at this stage we are serious about a future together. The other week we were spotted by a relative of the exw who reported back to her that we had been seen together. She text him to ask if he was with someone else, and expressed that he had promised to tell her if he was seeing someone new, and that it hurt to hear second hand (totally reasonable of her in my opinion) and that she (and the kids, she always involves them) would like the truth from him.

He text her back minimising everything, saying it was someone he had very recently started seeing and that it was far too soon to tell the children.
Lies. Total lies. We've been together since 2016. He has met my entire family and child many times. We have had family holidays together and we are going to be buying a house together.

He is just so scared she will use anything against him to create an even worse relationship with his children.

To say I'm fed up of all of this is a huge understatement. We also rowed about his reply to her text. I understand he would have preferred to tell her that he was in a relationship and not for her to hear it second hand, but he should have told her before, in my opinion. And now that she knows something, he should have been more honest. Not to rub her nose in it, but not to minimise me and make me feel like a nothing in his life.

The rest of our relationship is excellent, otherwise I'd not be able to cope with his.

I don't know what to do about this though. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or he is. I am looking for some advice on how to handle it.

So, you know he'll do this to you, right? Why on earth would you stay with this man?

And now you know about criminal behaviour and haven't done anything about it, which is not great.

This is a gigantic Red flag with bells on!

RUN!

And tell his ex wife he is stalking her and how.

Maybe do the Freedom programme, certainly educate yourself on abuse.

My last bf did not introduce me to his daughter or family because, he said, they would be angry at him having a gf as they wanted him to get back with his wife. When I was still a secret after 1.5 years it was all too unbelievable for me and I broke it off. I still don't know what he was up to.

Have you met any other people who know him and can back up his story? You are computer savvy, but you need to be a lot more savvy in other ways before you even begin to consider tying yourself to this man financially.

Frankly unless you absolutely love drama ..... this is way too much hard work.

Tell the wife!!!! I don't subscribe to the "you are responsible for your partners actions" idea, but in this case... you know he is abusing her. He's stalking her. He's reading her emails.

What if she starts seeing someone and he reads their emails? And then stalks to find out where they are... and then turns up. God knows what he'd do. What If her family or friends have a very private matter to discuss, and he's sitting there reading the emails?

This is disgusting... And you're sleeping with him. He's being abusive to her. He's stalking her. You need to tell her. Tell her that he's stalking her phone and reading her emails. When it comes to abusive men, women do need to stick together and warn each other.

it's serious and we will be moving in together
Hell NO!
Do not move in with this guy.
It's all kinds of wrong and you know it.
As EVERYONE else has said.
RUN FOR THE HILLS.
THEY ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The fact that yet another woman is being stalked is bad enough but to know that you are glossing over it blows my mind.
If you don't speak up, you are complicit.

This needs to be you OP...

The fact that he moved on six months after his marriage ended would be enough to raise red flags to me. The rest would make me want to run.

and that she (and the kids, she always involves them) would like the truth from him.

Why shouldn't she?

I don't believe he's told you the truth about the break-up at all. Plus, if you'd left someone broken-hearted, would you want to read their emails? It's such an invasion of someone's privacy. It also makes it seem like he's positively enjoying the fact that she was devastated. Another side altogether could come out if she wasn't upset, and found a new man.

It's all about control. You're next.

Him minimising your relationship would be bad enough but the stalking is horrendous. It wouldn't surprise me if there's other things he does that you don't know about too.

Sweet jeffing Christ. This is creepy as fuck.

OP his kids are not 4yos who can be kept away and poisoned by mummy. They are almost grown. They will have their own views on fault in the marriage and if they wanted to see your "D"P, THEY WOULD.

I also have to wonder if by "threatening" him, he means the ex's family told him to STOP FUCKING STALKING HER.

OP. You are seriously contemplating moving in with a man who denies you exist, and who is stalking another woman. And who gaslights you when you point out how messed up and wrong that is. Can you really not see how that sounds? For the love of God don't do it. Run like hell while you still can, before you're the one being stalked while he gaslights a new girl and tells her lies about how vindictive you are.

By their fruits shall ye know them.

Those excusing this behaviour - he has to have put these stalker controls in place before he left the marital home. This isn't a result of 2 years without contact. He's been doing it for 2 years.

And if the ex has 'poisoned' the children against him it shows she's a good judge of character, to be honest.

From the moment you knew about his stalking and did nothing, you're complicit.

What do you get out of this relationship with him, what is the pay off here for you?.

He will eventually stalk you just as his ex wife is being stalked now, do you really want your child to be exposed to such a man in the first place?. Some role model he is. How can you also state that the rest of your relationship is great, what is great about this exactly?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Why are your boundaries so pathetically low here that this specimen was able to have a relationship with you?.

Those excusing this behaviour

Is anyone excusing this behaviour?

You came on here to say you felt uncomfortable about this situation.

You have seen that most people on here are pretty horrified.

This is a sinister situation and despite some posts suggesting that you give him warnings and/or counselling. I think he move on to simply tracking her in secret.

He is breaking the law, he is doing so with your consent, and he is also hiding you away so that he can continue to keep the door open for her.

You have been caught up in their spiders web of toxicity. Caught between the real drama that is still playing out between them. Get out now. Tell her everything and choose someone that truly loves and respects you.

Are you going to tell his ex she is being stalked?

It's a horrific thought that someone is being stalked and she knows nothing about it.

You are being very naive.

Read your opening post.
Then... run!
Do not commit to any financial links with this man. Do not give him access to any of your devices. Search your home for concealed cameras.
Get rid!

You’re actually being complicit in his stalking. Wow.

I think you need to change YOUR passwords/mobile phone and run.

You read it, I mean. I've already read it and it scared me shitless. You're caught up with a weirdo potentially unpleasant person. Sort it.

However, at this stage we are serious about a future together. The other week we were spotted by a relative of the exw who reported back to her that we had been seen together. She text him to ask if he was with someone else, and expressed that he had promised to tell her if he was seeing someone new, and that it hurt to hear second hand (totally reasonable of her in my opinion) and that she (and the kids, she always involves them) would like the truth from him.

And then you say

The rest of our relationship is excellent, otherwise I'd not be able to cope with his.
*
I don't know what to do about this though. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or he is. I am looking for some advice on how to handle it.*

You ask for advice on how to handle it. I really don't know where to start. He is stalking his ex wife, invading her privacy and certainly breaking the law. He is lying to her about you. I would guess that he is !future faking' with you, telling you what you want to hear about how your future is going to be.

Since you know that he lies, how can you trust anything he says? Why would you wan't to. These are not little white lies, pretending to like a gift. These are seriously breaking promises , agreed to tell them himself when he had a new girlfriend and didn't.

Just incase you can't work out my advice, it is to ditch him as quickly as you possibly can. Don't fall for his lies any longer. Oh, and in future, you can assume when you know forming lies , you cDNA be sure they are also lying to you.

Rather than the ExW turning the DCs against him, it's very likely he has always been abusive and controlling, and that's why the DCs are against him.

He is stalking his wife. I'd also hazard a guess that he is gaslighting and manipulating you because you know deep down his behaviour is very wrong. Yet, you have accepted his 'explanations'.

Sometimes we can't see that someone is controlling or abusive. He's slowly conditioning you to accept abusive and controlling behaviour as a sign of love. It isn't. Leave him.

Also if you knew him before the split, surely you must have some friends in common with the ExW? If so, tell them to tell her to change her passwords.