DP tracking his ExW and reading her emails.

[NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful]

Urgh. This is really messing with my head.

So, DP has been separated for 2 years. Divorce in progress. He left. There are 2 older teenage DCs. We have been together 1.5 years, it's serious and we will be moving in together.

Basically, without writing a novel, there are a few issues at play here. He tracks his ex wife on Find My IPhone - he has the password. He says he does it to see where his children are (on same cloud), and so that he doesn't ever have to bump into exw. I've been unhappy with this as it smacks of not letting go, and of control - not to mention legal implications of invasion of privacy.
Thing is, it's not just for the kids. The exw had a night out on Saturday and he kept checking to see where she was and was frustrated that her phone seemed to be offline.
We rowed about it. I told him he needs to let go. He told me that he has let go, but because of the nature of the split - she took it very badly and it's impacted massively on his relationship with his children who took their mum's side and don't really want to see him, that he does it to feel part of the children's lives still...or something,

It's not only that. He regularly checks her email. He also has that password - she isn't technogically minded, and he set up all these things when they were still together. He says he does it see if there are any emails regarding a sport his eldest dc takes part in, as the exw is telling him nothing anymore. I think that is also completely unacceptable.

Further, he's been very reticent about telling her that he has a new relationship. I accepted that due to the precarious nature of his relationship with his kids and didn't want to rock the boat. However, at this stage we are serious about a future together. The other week we were spotted by a relative of the exw who reported back to her that we had been seen together. She text him to ask if he was with someone else, and expressed that he had promised to tell her if he was seeing someone new, and that it hurt to hear second hand (totally reasonable of her in my opinion) and that she (and the kids, she always involves them) would like the truth from him.

He text her back minimising everything, saying it was someone he had very recently started seeing and that it was far too soon to tell the children.
Lies. Total lies. We've been together since 2016. He has met my entire family and child many times. We have had family holidays together and we are going to be buying a house together.

He is just so scared she will use anything against him to create an even worse relationship with his children.

To say I'm fed up of all of this is a huge understatement. We also rowed about his reply to her text. I understand he would have preferred to tell her that he was in a relationship and not for her to hear it second hand, but he should have told her before, in my opinion. And now that she knows something, he should have been more honest. Not to rub her nose in it, but not to minimise me and make me feel like a nothing in his life.

The rest of our relationship is excellent, otherwise I'd not be able to cope with his.

I don't know what to do about this though. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or he is. I am looking for some advice on how to handle it.

To be fair ... Your pretty weird for dating a man who stalks his ex wife :S .. its illegal and totally inappropriate

He is stalking her.

Regardless of the issues with the children, her family and how she's treated him, that does not give him the right to stalk her.

How the fuck does he justify tracking her phone whilst she is on a night out - which has NOTHING to do with his kids?

He is stalking her.

And if you seriously stay with this bloke for another second then you are totally fucking batshit. Seriously, you need to sack him off, change all of your passwords and block him on everything. I'd also tell her what he's doing, because she deserves to know what this creepy fucker is doing.

Yanbu.

He is being a stalking bitter ex. He isn't emotionally ready to be in a relationship at all. What do you think his kids would say if they knew that their Dad was doing stuff like reading mum's emails? Stalking is against the law and very serious

I suspect that his relationship with the kids would be even worse if they found out. If he ever wants to have even a tiny chance of reconciling with the kids then he needs to become an honest man who respectfully tells the mother of his child that he's in a relationship(especially as he agreed to this)

Personally this is a dumpable offence.

Please don't buy a house with this man, OP.

He's stalking his ex.

He's not a good guy.

Leave and tell his wife about the stalking.

He'll do it you as well, when you leave, so start reviewing your privacy settings. What am I saying, "when you leave"...he's probably doing it right now. Get all your devices checked out by someone else, and change all passwords.

Ravenmum ive never met his children. They don't know I exist. Well, apparently they do now as we were seen together by the family relative, but he's never told them about me. He has barely seen them for the past 2 years. His exw was devastated when he left, she didn't want him to leave and I believe would still have him back.

I shall be the voice of conciliation here.
I would suggest that perhaps he gets some form of counselling/mediation/legal advice so that he can see that what he is doing is wrong and to give him some strategies to deal with the underlying issues that are making him do this.

Yes, of course what he is doing is wrong but from your posts it sounds like he desperately wants some/better contact with his dc. What is the situation regarding contact?

I read this with my face like

My God. He's stalking his ex. That's illegal. The poor woman. What an invasion of her privacy! And he thinks it's acceptable?! I'd run a million miles the other way.

Make sure he doesn't have any passwords of yours. And tell his ex what he's doing!

You seem to be looking for a way to fix this. There isn't one. Honestly, this man sounds dangerous. If he is open enough to let you see what he is doing, then he obviously thinks his behaviour is okay and normal. That's worrying in itself.

He is giving you notice of what to expect from him in the future. His wife may well be a total harridan, but I think you need to warn her about what he is doing. At the very least, she deserves to know that someone is reading her private emails. But leave first and make sure he doesn't know where you have gone.

No, you are making excuses for him. You know he is obsessive and controlling. You are hearing what you want to believe.

It's an oft repeated trope on here but when someone tells you who they are, listen. Actions speak louder than words.

You meant to write your ‘XDP’, right?

Because you aren’t seriously considering a further with a man who

• lies
• pretends you don’t exist then minimizes your existence
• stalks his ex
• engages in criminal behavior

Right?

Do not move in with this guy. He will start tracking you then if he can't now. It won't be difficult for him. It's his norm so he won't think anything of it and will justify it by saying he's looking out for you.

Even if you weren't concerned about him stalking his ex wife it shows he's too entwined in that relationship to have a focus on you.

Get rid.

Why do you believe she wants him back? Because he told you? FFS wake up

X-post.

Barely seen them for two years? Well that's the issue clearly.

Tell him you will leave tonight unless he gets rid of all material tracking her. Talk over how this is topping up his bitterness and preventing him from being happy with you. I'm suggetsing this there's a chance he's not a weird creep by nature - breakups can cause even normal people to do really weird, stalkerish stuff for a while. The difference is - if you show him clearly why it's wrong, he should re cognise it and be able to make a clean break from his obsession. If he can't or won't then he's weird and creepy and you need to get away from him and change all you security passwords regardless of whether or not you think he has access to them.

How many more red flags will come out in the next update?

Just leave. You deserve better.

He may seem ok with you now, but I bet not under close scrutiny.

This feels creepy as fuck OP
I know he has been through the mill with the separation/kids by your post but it’s no excuse for that behaviour.
He does not need to track her
He does not need to read her emails
You need to explain boundaries to him and he has to stop or you need to consider your future.
Would you like someone tracking you and reading your emails ? I’d be very very angry if an ex did that to me and even angrier knowing his new partner was colluding with him.

I'm aghast that you are still with this man. This really isn't the sort of behaviour you gloss over.

I don't think this flag could be any redder, sorry.

You are still excusing and minimising his behaviour.

I know this has come as a bit of a shock and as you say, we can easily become accustomed to these things.
But im going to say bluntly what those around you cannot say to you:
You KNOW he's a liar and stalker. You cannot believe or trust anything he does or says. He is abusive in his behaviour.
You CANNOT fix him, NOR SHOULD YOU.

Please do not waste your life with this man.

Seriously run for the hills!!!

He will treat you the same...

OP, I wonder if you're getting a very partial account of their marriage.

However, as PP have said, you can not rescue this man and his DC. He has to rescue himself. And, there are vanishingly few scenarios in which the behaviour you describe is a good part of that self-rescue strategy far less something that would convince the courts to grant him access to his DC if that's being withheld at present. (And, I'd want some confirmation as to why that's not happening - not just his interpretation.)

Please consider what you would be exposing your own DC to in this man and his behaviour, should you go ahead with your plans and move in together.

I could not respect a man who tried to justify stalking anyone, especially an ex.
If he wanted to keep a check on the kids then he should get put on all the newsletters for their activities.

I get not telling kids straight away as you have to make sure the relationship is going somewhere but that's usually 6 months not 18. They should at least know about you even if you haven't met them.
Can you really see a future with someone who hasn't told the most important people in his life about you?

If you want any future with him then he has to stop doing everything in your op. He should tell her to change her passwords so he can't get tempted anymore. Remove find my phone. Tell her and his kids about you.
But honestly for me I'd be done with him. He might have left but his clearly not moved on.

What he's doing is illegal and very, very creepy.

Dump him - he really doesn't love you while he's so obsessed with her.

What was the real reason for their split? And I mean the real reason, not what he has told you... because she sounds very hurt and upset by the split, hence the vitriol.

But I agree with the majority, what he is doing is wrong and illegal and it's only a matter of time before he starts doing it to you, because he doesn't see anything wrong in it and is doing it for reasons he thinks are right and proper. So when you start coming in late because work is manic, be prepared for a tracker on your phone, because 'he's worried about your safety'...