DP tracking his ExW and reading her emails.

[NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful]

Urgh. This is really messing with my head.

So, DP has been separated for 2 years. Divorce in progress. He left. There are 2 older teenage DCs. We have been together 1.5 years, it's serious and we will be moving in together.

Basically, without writing a novel, there are a few issues at play here. He tracks his ex wife on Find My IPhone - he has the password. He says he does it to see where his children are (on same cloud), and so that he doesn't ever have to bump into exw. I've been unhappy with this as it smacks of not letting go, and of control - not to mention legal implications of invasion of privacy.
Thing is, it's not just for the kids. The exw had a night out on Saturday and he kept checking to see where she was and was frustrated that her phone seemed to be offline.
We rowed about it. I told him he needs to let go. He told me that he has let go, but because of the nature of the split - she took it very badly and it's impacted massively on his relationship with his children who took their mum's side and don't really want to see him, that he does it to feel part of the children's lives still...or something,

It's not only that. He regularly checks her email. He also has that password - she isn't technogically minded, and he set up all these things when they were still together. He says he does it see if there are any emails regarding a sport his eldest dc takes part in, as the exw is telling him nothing anymore. I think that is also completely unacceptable.

Further, he's been very reticent about telling her that he has a new relationship. I accepted that due to the precarious nature of his relationship with his kids and didn't want to rock the boat. However, at this stage we are serious about a future together. The other week we were spotted by a relative of the exw who reported back to her that we had been seen together. She text him to ask if he was with someone else, and expressed that he had promised to tell her if he was seeing someone new, and that it hurt to hear second hand (totally reasonable of her in my opinion) and that she (and the kids, she always involves them) would like the truth from him.

He text her back minimising everything, saying it was someone he had very recently started seeing and that it was far too soon to tell the children.
Lies. Total lies. We've been together since 2016. He has met my entire family and child many times. We have had family holidays together and we are going to be buying a house together.

He is just so scared she will use anything against him to create an even worse relationship with his children.

To say I'm fed up of all of this is a huge understatement. We also rowed about his reply to her text. I understand he would have preferred to tell her that he was in a relationship and not for her to hear it second hand, but he should have told her before, in my opinion. And now that she knows something, he should have been more honest. Not to rub her nose in it, but not to minimise me and make me feel like a nothing in his life.

The rest of our relationship is excellent, otherwise I'd not be able to cope with his.

I don't know what to do about this though. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or he is. I am looking for some advice on how to handle it.

The biggest brightest red flag

Perhaps people need to tone it down in the future

The vast majority of the time I would agree with you, but not on this thread. The OP is not the victim here, she doesn’t need support, she needs a massive kick up the arse for being so incredibly selfish! I don’t think she’s an awful person, but she’s acting terribly. I hope the shock of seeing these comments will shake her into action.

massivelyouting the OP did what she could cope with at that point and left the option of the police with the ExW who's the actual victim of this man's illegal behaviour.

Well done op. THat was a brave thing to do.

Now the ex can decide whether or not she wants to call the police as it it her that he has been stalking.

Take care and do what’s right for you. But I would advise that doesn’t include him.

AngelsSins would you tell anyone else with an abusive partner that they simply need a massive kick up the arse to sort things out?

Well done OP, you have done the right thing, it was obviously difficult for you.

Hopefully he will now get counselling and the help he needs to let go, and move forward in his life.

Whatever you choose to do, you have proven that you have the strength. Good luck for the future.

AngelsSins would you tell anyone else with an abusive partner that they simply need a massive kick up the arse to sort things out?

Of course not, what a stupid thing to say! He has not been abusive towards the OP, so completely irrelevant.

OP I’ve just seen your update and genuinely, well done, you’ve done the right thing, what happens now is not your responsibility. You now need to look after yourself, is this really the man you want to commit yourself to? At least think about slowing things down. X

AngelsSins someone that abusive won't just be acting that way in isolation, I can guarantee there'll be other stuff he does to the OP that she'll have normalised and not thought to mention here.

Well done OP. I hope you're ok.

I am glad you told the ex wife but I hope you you will try and find out why you thought this behaviour was justified for almost 2 years. If he hadn't lied about your relationship you would still not see a problem with his stalking.

Hopefully the rose coloured glasses re this man will come off.

Good for you. You've done the right thing.

I hope you have time and space to consider your next move. I'd certainly be distancing myself from this man until the counselling sessions are well underway. If that happens.

Perhaps you too would benefit from counselling, to sort out how you feel about yourself and your relationships following the breakup with your DD's father.

You have done absolutely the right thing op and that can't have been an easy thing to do so well done.

Hopefully your dp will get some counselling now.

Good luck in whatever you decide moving on from this

ACatsNoHelpWithThat

I’m sorry I disagree. The only abusive behaviour that we have been told of, is towards the ex, SHE is the victim and therefore, SHE is the priority. The OP doesn’t get to stand by and watch, whilst being obsolved of any responsibility just because she’s his new partner. If we had any indication that he was abusing the OP, I’d agree, although I’d still argue that she’d needs a wake up call seeing as she’s about to move in with this guy and bring a young child into the situation.

Well done, that must have been difficult. Have you got any real life friends you can tak to about this? Are you willing to admit to them the position you are now in?

OP massive well done. You’ve done the right thing, at an emotional cost to you and that is to be commended. It was a courageous thing you did, whatever happens next don’t forget that.

Angels but that's my point, if the OP couldn't recognise for herself just how bad her DP's behaviour was towards his ex without posting about it on MN, there's bound to be other stuff going on that she hasn't told us about which would cause us to raise an eyebrow. I was the same myself with my exH who everyone thinks is a top bloke. But we can agree to disagree

To those shouting at the OP for not going to the police, it really isn’t that simple, and I speak as someone who has been on the other side.

Because the ex gave the partner her passwords and access to find my iPhone she was unfortunately prepared to have him access that information, or so the law sees it anyway. If now that she is aware and changes her passwords and he manages to stalk her further after that she would have cause to go to the police. But not based on the current situation.

Remember that in any instance of stalking you have to have told the person that you want them to stop before it’s possible to take any kind of action.

OP glad you have told the ex wife. I would definitely be careful now though, because if as you say she is still upset about the split and knows that he isn’t actually over her there is IMO every chance they will get back together now anyway. But aside from that, you know what he is capable of in terms of his level of desparation to remain in control at all times.

The ex wife knows now, and it is up to her to do whatever she feels. But you need to think about how to get away from this relationship. The fact that you don’t live together is a good place to start.

OP, you did the right thing. Telling the ex was the right thing.

I am at those who are ask her to report her DP to the police. It's too soon, she will not do it. OP can do this only if she wants to completely burn the relationship and she is not there yet.

You did the right thing. The ex can report if she’d like to.

Having been a victim of crime myself, I’m grateful that I at least had my own autonomy over what I would do about it. I would not have appreciated anyone who tried to force my hand in that so at least you’ve empower his ex to deal with this how she sees fit.

Well done op, you did the right thing and now you will not be involved with the fallout what that may be.

I would like to know how he frightened you so much, and I do hope you are okay. Perhaps it is time for some breathing space so you have time to consider your options. Ask him to stop contacting you for now, and go and find some support in RL.

Not only has it been a shock to have this situation happen, but a shock to your own system that you did not know to protect yourself adequately.

Spend some time with your child, let the whole thing calm down and take time to decide if this is the kind of person you want to share the rest of your life with...

This will be a role model and parent to your child. You need to feel complete trust to give someone such importance.

I don't know why the exwife would call, and let you down like that, but this is drama has been going on for decades between them and nothing should surprise you. Sometimes you are truly better off out of a real nasty situation that will end terribly. You are lucky to be able to walk away without a backward glance if you choose to.

whatever

Now you have done the right thing you can talk to others in RL tell them how awful it has been. You need the support as much as anyone.

If you check out now, you won't be hurt.

I would be running for the hills for sure.

Protect yourself ASAP.

Having done the right thing by the ex it’s now time to get out from your relationship.

What he has been doing is serious. It takes years for counselling to work and there can be relapses. As I said before, what is he capable of when he’s on a bad day now you’ve betrayed him? You didn’t think you were with a stalker so you can’t trust in your judgement of him.