DP tracking his ExW and reading her emails.

[NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful]

Urgh. This is really messing with my head.

So, DP has been separated for 2 years. Divorce in progress. He left. There are 2 older teenage DCs. We have been together 1.5 years, it's serious and we will be moving in together.

Basically, without writing a novel, there are a few issues at play here. He tracks his ex wife on Find My IPhone - he has the password. He says he does it to see where his children are (on same cloud), and so that he doesn't ever have to bump into exw. I've been unhappy with this as it smacks of not letting go, and of control - not to mention legal implications of invasion of privacy.
Thing is, it's not just for the kids. The exw had a night out on Saturday and he kept checking to see where she was and was frustrated that her phone seemed to be offline.
We rowed about it. I told him he needs to let go. He told me that he has let go, but because of the nature of the split - she took it very badly and it's impacted massively on his relationship with his children who took their mum's side and don't really want to see him, that he does it to feel part of the children's lives still...or something,

It's not only that. He regularly checks her email. He also has that password - she isn't technogically minded, and he set up all these things when they were still together. He says he does it see if there are any emails regarding a sport his eldest dc takes part in, as the exw is telling him nothing anymore. I think that is also completely unacceptable.

Further, he's been very reticent about telling her that he has a new relationship. I accepted that due to the precarious nature of his relationship with his kids and didn't want to rock the boat. However, at this stage we are serious about a future together. The other week we were spotted by a relative of the exw who reported back to her that we had been seen together. She text him to ask if he was with someone else, and expressed that he had promised to tell her if he was seeing someone new, and that it hurt to hear second hand (totally reasonable of her in my opinion) and that she (and the kids, she always involves them) would like the truth from him.

He text her back minimising everything, saying it was someone he had very recently started seeing and that it was far too soon to tell the children.
Lies. Total lies. We've been together since 2016. He has met my entire family and child many times. We have had family holidays together and we are going to be buying a house together.

He is just so scared she will use anything against him to create an even worse relationship with his children.

To say I'm fed up of all of this is a huge understatement. We also rowed about his reply to her text. I understand he would have preferred to tell her that he was in a relationship and not for her to hear it second hand, but he should have told her before, in my opinion. And now that she knows something, he should have been more honest. Not to rub her nose in it, but not to minimise me and make me feel like a nothing in his life.

The rest of our relationship is excellent, otherwise I'd not be able to cope with his.

I don't know what to do about this though. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or he is. I am looking for some advice on how to handle it.

Your complete avoidance of the question as to why he left his wife only leads to one or two conclusions. Either there was an OW (probably you) or he was abusive in some way (which given his controlling behaviour to her since is not that much of a stretch is it?) Possibly both.

And you wonder why the exW is bitter and angry?

You need to open your eyes very quickly to this man op and to stop minimising and excusing his behaviour or you are going to find yourself in a very serious situation sooner or later.

This thread has been pretty brutal.

I think when posters are concerned (in this case for the exW privacy/safety) and the OP seems reluctant to accept the seriousness of a problem or seems to refuse to act, then the posts get more and more brutal and often unsupportive (as concerned posters try to make them see sense)

Unfortunately overly harsh posts end up driving the OP away, when she clearly needed support.

Perhaps people need to tone it down in the future.

I've read this thread and I'm quite shocked in all honesty.

The thing is OP, you're going to have to tell the ex, and or the police about your husbands stalking.

You know about it, so you're complicit. The stats have been expressed to you, that one in two stalkers who have had involvement with their victim then goes on to physical harm.

The trouble is, you may not think he would do that, but you don't really know him that well, and why on earth he would need constant updates while she's out (was he seeing if she went to another man's house?) or if he was ever violent to her in the past and that's why the children and her family have been hard on him.

You've also posted on here, so if anything ever happened to her because of him, your history would show you knew all about it and didn't do anything but covered it up.

Stalking is a serious offence, this may seem innocent to you, but it's not. Please, please, please tell her or the police.

Unfortunately overly harsh posts end up driving the OP away, when she clearly needed support.

I agree.

You can get your point across, without insults and personal attacks.

I think posters were utterly shocked at what was/is going on, and OP's complicity and excuses for his behaviour.

I think when posters are concerned (in this case for the exW privacy/safety) and the OP seems reluctant to accept the seriousness of a problem or seems to refuse to act, then the posts get more and more brutal and often unsupportive (as concerned posters try to make them see sense)

I agree with this, and I also understand how OP was overwhelmed by the amount and strength of the replies.

If OP doesn't come back, I know we all fervently hope she does the right thing for all concerned, and that she now fully realises what she got herself into. Her OP indicates she was at least on the road.

I would definitely leave him babes xx

Sadly there are some women who will always prioritize men's feelings over other women's safety

In this instance I sadly think the op will prioritise her own feelings and her desire to stay with him.

I don't know what steps she plans to take to put a stop to it, but I'd have to guess it neither involves the ex wife, the kids or the police. All she will do is tell him, maybe,,,and he will just keep doing it and not tell her.

It seems her main issue is his denial of her existence basically, making out she was no one important and still wishing to keep her a secret.

When a man does that, we all know he's not serious about you. I guess in time she will come to realise it.

Whether or not you were the OW, the advice is the same Run and Report

and if you were the OW, the ex wife derseves to know the truth about that too

The only reason I mentioned the possibility that OP (or someone else) was the OW (or he was abusive) is that it shows that there is much more of a backstory here for the exW than the OP is letting on

Good luck OP, I hope you work things out.

@Greypaws beautifully put.

You can get your point across, without insults and personal attacks. I don’t see where there have been personal attacks on this thread. There have been some responses to the OP which have pointed out that she is complicit in this behaviour by continuing to minimise it, but those do not equate to insults or personal attacks.

Added to which posters have asked on numerous occasions why thHe split from the ex and OP has refused to answer. A clear indication that there is far more to this than the OP is letting on.

I wonder in fact whether the OP is the partner in this scenario or perhaps someone else who only knows half the story from the partner’s perspective. Because given the amount of detail OP went into in her first post, her follow-up posts were one or two liners containing almost no information at all. As if she couldn’t answer the questions people asked on the thread iyswim.

I would let the ex wife know that she needs to change the password on her email account to something very obscure so her soon to be ex can’t spy on her. Also let her know that the findmyiphone is being used to spy on her whereabouts

Then think seriously about your relationship with this man

I know the feeling of your reality being turned on its head and your everyday life as you knew it suddenly looking totally unrecognisable and strange. It takes a while to put the pieces of the puzzle back together again. I'd recommend talking to people, to help you make sense of the new situation.

Afterwards things often look bloody obvious, in retrospect, but when you are in the middle of it, it's not so simple. This shock to the system is horrible, but could actually be a good opportunity for you to set a few things straight in your mind and work out what you really want from life and from a potential partner. You might actually find that you emerge at the other end feeling stronger and putting up with a lot less "minor" crap.

Added to which posters have asked on numerous occasions why thHe split from the ex and OP has refused to answer

She's under no obligation to answer questions. This is not a court of law, with her on the stand giving evidence.

I have just read this with my jaw dropping lower at every post.

I cannot comprehend a woman accepting a man doing this to another woman. It is beyond comprehension that you condone this.
No matter how acrimonious the divorce, no one, NO ONE should have their privacy invaded in this way .

I wonder how in god's name you can sleep at night.

FFS just put an anonymous note through her door, let the poor woman know. This will NOT end well. They guy sounds like a fucking psycho.

Be aware, if anything untoward happens to that poor woman, YOU will be in it up to your neck too.

Do what you said you would do in your last post OP.
And keep safe

And there is no way on earth you will stop him.

He'll still do it, just covertly.

@NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful

I've said I would make sure there is a stop to it. And I will. Immediately.

That's great. please stay safe whilst doing so..

''I can fix him''
''He wouldn't hurt a fly''
''He's not like that''

These are lies we tell ourselves, they are dangerous and destructive.

Be aware, if anything untoward happens to that poor woman, YOU will be in it up to your neck too.

^ This
Let's hope OP is still reading.

She's under no obligation to answer questions. This is not a court of law, with her on the stand giving evidence. no she isn’t. But given how adament she was that it was him who orchestrated the split, and her who took it so badly that she turned his children against him one would imagine that she would clarify this point as she was happy to talk about how awful the ex was after the split but not before iyswim.

I understand that the OP isn't coming back but given that he is commiting a crime, if it can be demonstrated the OP knew and almost enabled it by not reporting is she legally complicit in that crime?

she needs to change the password on her email account

I would go much, much further than this, I would encourage her to buy a new laptop or rebuild the existing system from scratch, so that it may be cheaper to just get a new one. Certainly get an entirely new email address from an entirely new provider, rather than just reset the password on systems where he has more than likely set himself up as the administrator. And pick an email address in a name which he cannot guess, rather than her own name, or even the cat's name.

This is why it is so important to involve the police, who (some forces anyway) have teams who can give specialist advice on the pitfalls to avoid....

Not sure why i keep coming back to this thread, i think its because so often similar threads are heartbreaking because of the ties of shared children and housing, so that breaking free is such a challenge. OP has come on MN to express concerns much, much earlier in the process, I so hope she is benefitting from the advice provided here.

I don’t think it’s that simple even with regards to his being charged with a crime. She knowingly gave him her passwords and access to find my iPhone. She will know that he still has these details even though they are not together any more.

If you consider that even on MN women are routinely encouraged to spy on their partners to prove e.g. infidelity, hack into their phones and computers and in some instances even place trackers etc in their cars, that to all intents and purposes is also a crime but would unlikely be provable as such.

by not reporting is she legally complicit in that crime/

I mentioned the concept of accessory after the fact' upthread, and have since found this which seems might be relevant.