DP tracking his ExW and reading her emails.

[NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful]

Urgh. This is really messing with my head.

So, DP has been separated for 2 years. Divorce in progress. He left. There are 2 older teenage DCs. We have been together 1.5 years, it's serious and we will be moving in together.

Basically, without writing a novel, there are a few issues at play here. He tracks his ex wife on Find My IPhone - he has the password. He says he does it to see where his children are (on same cloud), and so that he doesn't ever have to bump into exw. I've been unhappy with this as it smacks of not letting go, and of control - not to mention legal implications of invasion of privacy.
Thing is, it's not just for the kids. The exw had a night out on Saturday and he kept checking to see where she was and was frustrated that her phone seemed to be offline.
We rowed about it. I told him he needs to let go. He told me that he has let go, but because of the nature of the split - she took it very badly and it's impacted massively on his relationship with his children who took their mum's side and don't really want to see him, that he does it to feel part of the children's lives still...or something,

It's not only that. He regularly checks her email. He also has that password - she isn't technogically minded, and he set up all these things when they were still together. He says he does it see if there are any emails regarding a sport his eldest dc takes part in, as the exw is telling him nothing anymore. I think that is also completely unacceptable.

Further, he's been very reticent about telling her that he has a new relationship. I accepted that due to the precarious nature of his relationship with his kids and didn't want to rock the boat. However, at this stage we are serious about a future together. The other week we were spotted by a relative of the exw who reported back to her that we had been seen together. She text him to ask if he was with someone else, and expressed that he had promised to tell her if he was seeing someone new, and that it hurt to hear second hand (totally reasonable of her in my opinion) and that she (and the kids, she always involves them) would like the truth from him.

He text her back minimising everything, saying it was someone he had very recently started seeing and that it was far too soon to tell the children.
Lies. Total lies. We've been together since 2016. He has met my entire family and child many times. We have had family holidays together and we are going to be buying a house together.

He is just so scared she will use anything against him to create an even worse relationship with his children.

To say I'm fed up of all of this is a huge understatement. We also rowed about his reply to her text. I understand he would have preferred to tell her that he was in a relationship and not for her to hear it second hand, but he should have told her before, in my opinion. And now that she knows something, he should have been more honest. Not to rub her nose in it, but not to minimise me and make me feel like a nothing in his life.

The rest of our relationship is excellent, otherwise I'd not be able to cope with his.

I don't know what to do about this though. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or he is. I am looking for some advice on how to handle it.

Hopefully Ryder, I think I'm just cynical though, it's all the justifications she's posted for his behaviour, and the way the op is written "we are serious, we will be moving in toghether" whilst in the next breath telling us he won't even tell his wife and kids about her.

As said, I suspect her discomfort is more about the fact he's still so emotionally invested in his ex wife and denying her. I don't think she gives a shit about the ex wife, no matter how many people tell her.

I'd like her to prove me wrong though.

I had to come back to this thread even though I said I wouldn't.

The last 24 hours have been hell on earth. I managed to get exw's phone number (I went on DP's phone - please don't judge, I felt I had no choice). I then went out and called her directly. I was worried she would think I was a complete nutter, but she took it seriously and pretty well all things considered, said she knew he had all the passwords as he set them all up, but just hadn't thought any further. I advised her to change all her passwords immediately on her phone and her email, she said a dc would have to do that.
This has not ended well for me, as by the time I got back DP knew as she had called him, but I don't want to get into that and I'm ok.
On some levels I think he is relieved it's all out, even about me, he was very angry and then broke down as he didn't want to be doing this and admitted that he just hasn't been able to let go. He has agreed to get counselling.

I've done all I can do. I just didn't want this thread to remain under the impression I had done nothing and was condoning this going on. I couldn't do that.

I admit, my main concern was initially for myself in all of this. However, I'm also not a complete monster and quickly woke up to how very wrong it all was.

I have no idea for the future now, I need space and time to myself. My head is honestly still spinning and I think I'm in shock, don't really know what to do with myself now.

OP, you were not bothered about his minimizing you until you saw that he actually verbalized/wrote it. However, every minute of stalking his ex, every story of recriminations that might be, of explained heartbreak over the teenagers-lies-was all demonstrating that his attentions were anywhere but on you; yes- that was also minimizing you through his actions.

I just cringe thinking of you sitting there while he was glued to his phone in search of another woman.

That you decided to stay and play along ... I could perhaps see that, in the moment, to salvage an evening’s entertainment; meanwhile solemnly swearing to myself to never go out with him again. But as a standard operating procedure for your relationship? Well, as others have said: that is not a relationship. You are nothing more than a pet to play with-and that is so demeaning that he will not ever respect you enough to be equal pertners in an authentic relationship.

He is not available. The stalking holy shit storm you are being/have been sucked into is an unintended consequence of being the “cool girlfriend”...or is it a boundary-less empathetic mothering instinct that shuts down your thinking brain? There are circumstances where it is ok to rein in the empathy. This is one of them.

Well I'm glad you proved me wrong and well done that can't have been easy but you did the right thing for all of them, including yourself..💐

Good for you OP, you did the right thing and it's not surprising you're in shock.

Give yourself time to process all this. If you still want a relationship with this man run away fast then you need to give him time and space to sort his head out and truly move on from his ex, which he clearly hasn't done yet. And don't arrange anything for him regarding counselling etc, you can't spoonfeed him into changing his behaviour, it needs to come from him.

OP what you did was very brave and although it sounds a bit schmatlzy from a complete randomer on the internet I don't care! I'm really proud of the way you a) went back and dealt with it and b) came back in spite of this thread being a very hard read for you.

I'm sorry things are so tough but please please do come back here for support going forward. You did the right thing and I'm sending very unmumsnetty hugs because what you did took a lot of gumption.

So instead of informing the police, the ex contacted your DP and told him you'd told her putting you in danger. Nice. And you're still with him. The mind boggles.

You must be in shock. It took courage to do that, and I am sorry it was necessary.

I can't imagine wanting to be in a relationship with a man like this but you must make your own decisions. Good luck.

* Thank you for the update, I sincerely hope you are just being reticent about your own future, and that you have no* intention of staying around for any more of this drama, where you have only a walk on part.

he was very angry and then broke down

Who could have predicted that reaction 🤔. Don't let him play you any more, please run....

Well done op, calling the ex wife was brave.

She can call the police now she knows the facts.

You and your daughter deserve better than this man.

Good on you for letting her know. You done the right thing

The best thing you can do is contact WA and do FP. Regardless of what your thoughts are re him and why he did it. Crying, apologising , excusing are classic responses from abusers btw. But as I said regardless it can only help you going forward in or out of relationships.

I worry that if you have known him a long time that he has been grooming you for years. I know you may be furious at that suggestion. None of his recent behaviour is that of a recent abuser though. FP online can really help you. If he not abusive you still have nothing to lose.

Good for you, OP. You've done the right thing in terms of his poor ex. I'm not surprised your head is spinning.

Now you need to think about yourself. I am not the most confident woman in the world but I wouldn't put up with any of the crap you have. Either the whole world knows you're his DP or he can forget it.

And then there's the lies. So many lies. If his nearly adult DC aren't speaking to him there will be good reasons.

My DSD's mother spent years trying to break down the bond between my DH and his DD. She failed because my DH was a loving, committed dad and my DSD could see it. There were times when we weren't seeing my DSD when my poor DH used to weep, afraid he might lose her. But her love endured intact. It takes a lot of shit to make a teenager give up on a parent.

Use your common sense, OP. This man is not the man you thought he was. He's a very unpleasant, controlling person and he's a crap DP. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Get out before you get sucked further into his manipulations.

You have done the right thing OP. People here were very concerned about you and your child and wanted so much for you to understand that it wasn't typical behaviour of someone who had supposedly walked out of a marriage and had moved on. I'm glad that you're ok and have now exposed everything out into the open. I hope this has made you stronger and that you feel you can tackle any indiscrepancies if/when they arise. What happens in the future is for you to decide, but remember, you were denied that you existed and this would be a deal breaker for most people.

Sending lots of love OP you were very brave and 100% did the right thing.

Hope you get some time to yourself and realise you are worthy of respect, care and love. Both you and the ex wife deserve to be treaty with dignity.

In case we haven't made it obvious MNetters think this man is a he could be a dangerous or a pitiful . Either way he should never have put you in this position.

You did the right thing and made a stand for his ex, I hope you make a stand for yourself to.

Not an easy thing to do OP but well done for doing it

Well done op. Now please consider yourself as someone who deserves more than your creepy partner.

Well done OP. Now take some time to think about you and the relationship you deserve. You have had a hard experience on here, but I wish you well for the future.

Good for you OP. You did the right thing.

Take care of yourself and keep your eyes open.

Well done, OP. I'm so relieved, for you as much as anyone else. There are so many risks here, that you just didn't seem to be seeing.

You did the right thing.

Bloody well done NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful , you were right this was bloody awful.

Go and get a RL hug from a friend.

You're still with him, OP.
Take care.

I’m wondering how/why she rang him. Was she angry with him or was she confiding in him about what you had done?

I would be careful if I were you as they might have a weird dynamic where they turn against you. It had obviously never concerned her that he knew her passwords.