DP tracking his ExW and reading her emails.

[NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful]

Urgh. This is really messing with my head.

So, DP has been separated for 2 years. Divorce in progress. He left. There are 2 older teenage DCs. We have been together 1.5 years, it's serious and we will be moving in together.

Basically, without writing a novel, there are a few issues at play here. He tracks his ex wife on Find My IPhone - he has the password. He says he does it to see where his children are (on same cloud), and so that he doesn't ever have to bump into exw. I've been unhappy with this as it smacks of not letting go, and of control - not to mention legal implications of invasion of privacy.
Thing is, it's not just for the kids. The exw had a night out on Saturday and he kept checking to see where she was and was frustrated that her phone seemed to be offline.
We rowed about it. I told him he needs to let go. He told me that he has let go, but because of the nature of the split - she took it very badly and it's impacted massively on his relationship with his children who took their mum's side and don't really want to see him, that he does it to feel part of the children's lives still...or something,

It's not only that. He regularly checks her email. He also has that password - she isn't technogically minded, and he set up all these things when they were still together. He says he does it see if there are any emails regarding a sport his eldest dc takes part in, as the exw is telling him nothing anymore. I think that is also completely unacceptable.

Further, he's been very reticent about telling her that he has a new relationship. I accepted that due to the precarious nature of his relationship with his kids and didn't want to rock the boat. However, at this stage we are serious about a future together. The other week we were spotted by a relative of the exw who reported back to her that we had been seen together. She text him to ask if he was with someone else, and expressed that he had promised to tell her if he was seeing someone new, and that it hurt to hear second hand (totally reasonable of her in my opinion) and that she (and the kids, she always involves them) would like the truth from him.

He text her back minimising everything, saying it was someone he had very recently started seeing and that it was far too soon to tell the children.
Lies. Total lies. We've been together since 2016. He has met my entire family and child many times. We have had family holidays together and we are going to be buying a house together.

He is just so scared she will use anything against him to create an even worse relationship with his children.

To say I'm fed up of all of this is a huge understatement. We also rowed about his reply to her text. I understand he would have preferred to tell her that he was in a relationship and not for her to hear it second hand, but he should have told her before, in my opinion. And now that she knows something, he should have been more honest. Not to rub her nose in it, but not to minimise me and make me feel like a nothing in his life.

The rest of our relationship is excellent, otherwise I'd not be able to cope with his.

I don't know what to do about this though. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or he is. I am looking for some advice on how to handle it.

I also just read you sentence about him being scared to tell his ex wife about you because of the repercussions.

What repercussions? He's talking crap.

You have already said that he has barely seen his children in 2 years and that she had already got the house in the divorce settlement.

What more could possibly happen?

You need to stop believing him so much and look at the facts fast!!!

Sorry, it must feel really shit.

This is terrifying. I really really hope OP comes back to tell us the ex wife now has full knowledge of the invasion of her privacy and the stalking.

Truly horrific.

I'm not going to repeat dozen of other posts that make the same points but I will say this -
To anyone out there - helping a man get over his marriage breakdown is not a relationship.

Being a punch bag either emotionally or otherwise for a man who is cross his wife left him is not a relationship.

Being terribly understanding about a mans emotional turmoil because he is cross his wife left him is not a relationship.

(In my case) helping a man re establish contact with his children because he lost it of his own volition is not a relationship.

Listening to a man whine about his ex wife is not a relationship.

Op please don't bring this man into your child's life. He has no sense of boundaries and is obsessive and controlling. He is unstable. Get your child away from this man.
He has conditioned you to accept his stalking is fine. Please get some counselling for yourself before you commit to buying a house with him.

Please stay safe. Keep your child safe. And yes, you owe it to his ex to let her know she is being stalked.

Be brave and do the right thing.

Seriously run as fast as you can. If it wasn’t for a few differences you could actually be my exH’s new wife! I’ve already heard that he’s starting to treat her the way he treated me. Do you want him stalking you in the future?

Still no reason why he left op?

OP everyone is agreed, including you, that hacking accounts and tracking her movements is completely fucked up, so I'm not going into that.

Let's say you came on here and said your DP who you plan to live with and have been with 18 months is keeping you secret from everyone and pretending that you're not even in a relationship. What reaction do you think you'd get? I can guarantee that posters would tell you that you deserve better. You deserve someone who wants to be with you completely and is proud to be with you. You deserve to be with someone who's not crushing your self esteem by keeping you like a secret mistress. In fact imo it's worse feeling like the OW because there's no reason not to shout from the roof tops that he's with you. Collect your dignity and tell him that you are not prepared to be his or anyone else's dirty secret (he has a lot of those) and you deserve better. Say it, do it and mean it.

I understand people's concern about his ex wife's privacy and I will take steps to make sure that it will not continue.

Those steps need to involve his wife and the police. If you just agree it with him nothing will change and his wife and family will still be at risk, whatever he tells you, whatever you tell yourself.

You also need to protect yourself and your child. Do not move in with him and keep a distance.
If it helps, get advice from one of the many links posted here. Tell them the details you can't share here.

OP, your updates are horrendous. I can't muster much sympathy for you because I feel you're far too complicit in the continued abuse of his ex.

So sad.

@TemptressofWaikiki I've said I would make sure there is a stop to it. And I will. Immediately.

I'm not looking sympathy, so if you can't muster any, then no problem as that's not why I posted.
I'm sorry you find my updates horrendous. I can't say this has been a wonderful day for me either! It's been pretty brutal all round and I certainly am not shirking my personal responsibility for involvement in any of this, nor condoning or seeking to justify away any of it.

I came here looking for perspective as it's very difficult to see the wood for the trees when you're in it. I definitely got that and more. Thank you to everyone who has taken the the time to read and respond.

I have decided that I won't be updating this thread further and will be dealing with things privately moving forwards.

Sadly there are some women who will always prioritize men's feelings over other women's safety. There are women who profoundly believe that any other woman who is beaten or harmed by a man must have brought it on herself (by being disobedient, or slutty, or frigid, or lazy) - and that decent women, who know their place, are safe from male violence. There are women who believe that they can transform an abusive piece of shit into a reasonable human being with 'love and understanding'.

OP has had a previous relationship, and has a DC, so she's not a naive 16 year old. Though I agree with PP who suggested this disgusting man is white, middle-aged, a bit of a failure and potentially extremely dangerous, he's possibly not that much older than OP. But I think OP is sadly one of those women for whom other women are competition for male approval, not people, and that no other woman is as important as My Relationship and Pleasing My Man.

Op. Good you are reading and absorbing. Please do as I and others have suggested and contact WA in the first instance. Take advice about how to proceed re his wife. It is not just about her privacy , but her safety. And your own. Don't simply tell her.

And please don't even consider telling him about or showing him this thread. Even if you are struggling to believe what we are saying. Be very careful. Thinking of you .

OP, leave this man. He is wrong'un and I'm surprised it has taken scores of strangers on the internet to tell you this before you start to see it.

Even putting aside the horrendous stalking, he clearly doesn't respect you to be hiding you away and obsessing over the every movement of another woman.

Also look again carefully at Greypaw's post. You are in the SAME situation she was in, but you are the manipulated girlfriend making excuses for the man.

I hope this doesn't come across as mean because I feel genuinely sorry for you (and his stalked ex-wife).

Best of luck Op

More fool you OP

If you don’t want to do anything to help the ex wife then that’s your horrid own decision. But let’s be honest, the only reason why he’s with you is because he can’t have her. I mean, he’s keeping you his dirty little secret remember? He’s sat in with you yet he’s desperate to know his ex’s where abouts. Instead of laying on the sofa hugging you he’s stalking his ex whilst she’s on her night out

You’re second bet love. He doesn’t love you. He loves his ex, he’s obsessed with her but tries to cover it up by saying it’s because of the kids. Any decent person would tell the wife the only reason why you haven’t is because you know he’d leave.

Oh and I hope when the police do eventually find out (which they will, btw) you enjoy your questioning.

Given the age of your DP's DC, if he had been even a vaguely adequate dad (note, not necessarily great or even good), then his DC would be making an effort for contact, even against their mother's wishes. The fact that they aren't is not a good sign.

I'm sorry OP. This thread must be difficult to read.

OP is now going to tell her DP that he's been a Very Naughty Boy, and she doesn't want to hear about any of his stalking shenanigans any more.

Man will continue stalking, situation will get more out of control. Bad Things will happen.

Anyone know if MNHQ have a way of dealing with this sort of thing? Woman openly admitting to being party to very risky behaviour by a man towards a woman and her children?

Op, if you are still reading despite no longer updating, I just wanted to share this for your own benefit whatever decisions you make:

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It will help you make sense of the bigger picture here and process some of the shock you've been left with today.

I remember that horrible sickening feeling like your whole world just caved in, as it hits you that this is far bigger than you thought it was. This cannot have been an easy day for you.

The Freedom Programme is just information. It's not therapy. And their first rule is that they will never tell you that you have to leave. (I'm not sure I would have gone otherwise.)

You can do it online at your own pace, or you can do the course at a group in person. The groups are good (supportive, understanding, non judgemental), you don't have to share anything at all or stand up in front of anybody, you can just listen. It's 12 weeks on a rolling programme. You just keep going until you've done all 12 sessions. If it's too much you can pause and come back to it when you're ready. If you need to repeat it a second or third time that's ok too. It can be a lot to absorb when you're feeling shell shocked.

They also have a phone number you can call on their website if you have questions or want to talk it through or find a group running near you. It's a separate charity from women's aid, but the people who run it are decent and switched on. They care and they will help you make sense of this.

Good luck and take care.

Maybe it would help you to get some perspective if you looked at this through your child's eyes.

Mum is proposing a stepfather who cannot bring himself to introduce her to his own children.

The stepfather is committing a crime which mum knows about and has not (yet) stopped.

The stepfather is more interested in his ex-wife's movements even if he's spending time with mum.

Now I understand that your child doesn't know the facts, but if you had to how could you explain your choices? Because you're in love? But love, real love, is a partnership which is based on honesty and you don't have that with this man. It seems like you're his cover story.

I understand that these responses will have been difficult, even heartbreaking, to read but you have to put the brakes on and take a step back.

You have become complicit in his stalking, the way you excuse and minimise his behaviour is a disgrace. When this progresses-and it will, how will you defend him when he hurts her?

What excuses have you already got in your head for him?

Greypaws one of the best pieces of writing I have ever seen on this subject.

Sorry to pile it on but agree with PP, there's so many reasons in your post that I don't even know where to start. He has some serious issues and you should get out ASAP, you know you deserve better than this.

This is terrifying, imagine being on the receiving end of the stalking! And I can't believe your standards are so low that you have actually sat there watching him do this, and also deny your relationship, and you are still there and calling him a decent man! What the hell is wrong with you? Would you really choose to expose a child to this, frankly creepy, excuse for a man? Wise up OP, you should have run for the hills as soon as he lied about you. He is a stalker, and not even ashamed of it fgs, there is something deeply wrong with him.

Agree very much with ReanimatedSGB,Arum51 and AltheaorDonna This left a horrible taste in my mouth. I would love to believe you OP that you will actually do the decent thing and warn his ex. You are utterly deluded if you think he will stop for you though. You don’t have that sort of influence and rank far too low in the overall scheme of things for him. I still cannot believe that you minimised and excused his behaviour.