DP tracking his ExW and reading her emails.

[NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful]

Urgh. This is really messing with my head.

So, DP has been separated for 2 years. Divorce in progress. He left. There are 2 older teenage DCs. We have been together 1.5 years, it's serious and we will be moving in together.

Basically, without writing a novel, there are a few issues at play here. He tracks his ex wife on Find My IPhone - he has the password. He says he does it to see where his children are (on same cloud), and so that he doesn't ever have to bump into exw. I've been unhappy with this as it smacks of not letting go, and of control - not to mention legal implications of invasion of privacy.
Thing is, it's not just for the kids. The exw had a night out on Saturday and he kept checking to see where she was and was frustrated that her phone seemed to be offline.
We rowed about it. I told him he needs to let go. He told me that he has let go, but because of the nature of the split - she took it very badly and it's impacted massively on his relationship with his children who took their mum's side and don't really want to see him, that he does it to feel part of the children's lives still...or something,

It's not only that. He regularly checks her email. He also has that password - she isn't technogically minded, and he set up all these things when they were still together. He says he does it see if there are any emails regarding a sport his eldest dc takes part in, as the exw is telling him nothing anymore. I think that is also completely unacceptable.

Further, he's been very reticent about telling her that he has a new relationship. I accepted that due to the precarious nature of his relationship with his kids and didn't want to rock the boat. However, at this stage we are serious about a future together. The other week we were spotted by a relative of the exw who reported back to her that we had been seen together. She text him to ask if he was with someone else, and expressed that he had promised to tell her if he was seeing someone new, and that it hurt to hear second hand (totally reasonable of her in my opinion) and that she (and the kids, she always involves them) would like the truth from him.

He text her back minimising everything, saying it was someone he had very recently started seeing and that it was far too soon to tell the children.
Lies. Total lies. We've been together since 2016. He has met my entire family and child many times. We have had family holidays together and we are going to be buying a house together.

He is just so scared she will use anything against him to create an even worse relationship with his children.

To say I'm fed up of all of this is a huge understatement. We also rowed about his reply to her text. I understand he would have preferred to tell her that he was in a relationship and not for her to hear it second hand, but he should have told her before, in my opinion. And now that she knows something, he should have been more honest. Not to rub her nose in it, but not to minimise me and make me feel like a nothing in his life.

The rest of our relationship is excellent, otherwise I'd not be able to cope with his.

I don't know what to do about this though. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or he is. I am looking for some advice on how to handle it.

expecting someone to step out of the fog immediately and accusing them of being crazy, complicit and a risk to their child when they can’t is just unreasonable and hysterical. C’mon people, where’s the compassion?

We are being compassionate - to the wife and children, who are at risk of significant harm.

The OP is complicit. She knows he's stalking his wife (they're not divorced). She knows he's going though her emails - appalling, as she will be in contact with her solicitor etc. She actually sat there while he got angry when he couldn't see where his wife was when she went out.

This is an angry, middle aged (and I'm totally prepared to put a huge amount of money on this) white man. He is feeling that he's lost control. 'His' adult children don't want to see him. 'His' wife is off having fun without him. The objects that he paid for are not doing what he wants. How is this possible? They are defective, yes? Well OP is out here agreeing that yes, they are defective. The adults he was responsible for are totally wrong for not wanting to see him. His wife is totally responsible for that situation. His wife has no right to go out without him knowing where she is. He is the pathetic victim in this situation, despite being the one who allegedly voluntarily left them all. Despite her family being so worried that they felt they had to intervene and threaten him.

OP is, very clearly, stating that she wants to 'support' him. She's accepting his explanations as reasonable and understandable. She's feeding his anger and entitlement.

She's a fucking danger. This has 'Family Annihilation' all over it.

I fail to see what difference his race makes.

And 'family annihilator' . Behave. That's just ridiculous hyperbole.

Agreed MrsB.

Calm down Arum51. The OP has laid out the facts, admitted she didn't realise how bad it was and is no doubt having a good think now. She needs calm advice not scaring.

I actually don’t think it is. I actually think this woman and her children are potentially in massive danger if one day she dares meet someone else. Or she goes somewhere her stalker doesn’t like.

Let’s not nice it up by calling him her husband, although that’s fact, he is a stalker.

This behaviour is seriously chilling and what’s even more frightening is op is sitting their watching, normalising it and thinking of moving her child in with this totally unhinged time bomb.

@NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful

Genuine question - his is he with your child.

I ask because my XH moved in on me very quickly - single Mum with a young DS. Looking back I was very suitable for his circumstances. He has long since totally lest my DS behind and it was heartbreaking. I think you said you have a good relationship with your Ex which is great and hopefully gives your DC some stability but please take care getting further into this relationship with your DCs emotions at the forefront if yours can't be.

Sorry how is he with your child?

His race makes a difference. In the UK, men who are white are much more of a danger of family annihilation than men of other races. It's a recognised risk factor.

This man's age, race, behaviour etc are huge red flags. I'm sorry that you don't realise that. Perhaps familiarise yourselves with the MARAC risk indicators.

Thanks for all your responses, I even appreciate the ones that have been less than supportive to me. It's important to read that and take them on board too. I'm by no means portraying myself as an innocent bystander here, as I know I have been complicit in this.

I'm pretty shell shocked to be honest, and I'm going to need to take some time to think.

I understand people's concern about his ex wife's privacy and I will take steps to make sure that it will not continue.

I also think there is a risk to this woman, stalking for this length of time is not healthy in any way shape nor form. Getting upset and repeatedly checking where she is on a night out has danger written all over it. And he's sitting doing it in front of the op. And telling her.

Op, I guess you won't tell us, but is there more to this than you've said? Were you involved with him when he left, and part of your upset is he's still keeping you a secret from her, even two years down the line? That he is making you promises you know must be a lie because he's still denying you?

You said you think she would take him back. I assume the fact he's stressing about where she goes out you must be worried he will go back, I'd assume when another man appears on the scene? Why is the divorce not yet final?

That's why he is reading her emails and tracking her isn't it, he's trying to suss out when another man appears.

Have you had a chance to think about the situation Op? How is he with your children? Please delay the moving in/house buying until you’ve managed to get your head around this. Perhaps calling the stalking line for advice could be a good start...

Think carefully about what you will do though - it's a valid concern that he will see her emails.

You will also be the first person in line for the fall out (with your child) I really think you need to step back from him for ever a while before you chuck the bomb in about that one.

Think carefully about what you will do though - it's a valid concern that he will see her emails.

You will also be the first person in line for the fall out (with your child) I really think you need to step back from him for ever a while before you chuck the bomb in about that one.

I think it's hard for the people posting on this thread because a lot of the people drawn to comment on threads like this have a history of being abused themselves. And most of the threads on here are to the tune of "I've been with my husband 20 years, and I now see how abusive he is - we have 3 kids and he controls all the money, what do I do?" And those threads are really sad to read and get a lot of sympethic responses. But here is an OP in what is really a very short relationship, without any financial or family ties to the man, describing abusive behaviour, and yet seemingly unwilling to leave. I don't think it's that people aren't compassionate, more just bitterly frustrated at their inability to stop this very obvious slow motion car crash. Its like if you spent ages reading posts from people saying "I've been run over by a train" and replying "sorry, that must have been so painful". Then one day you read a post saying "I'm lying on the train track and there's a train coming". Of course people will start jumping up and down saying "get out of the fucking way then!" And when the poster replies "but in every other way this is a really lovely spot to lie down, and really it's not the trains fault that someone is driving it on these tracks" it's easy to see why people start tearing their hair out and getting cross!

OP, I'm sorry this thread has been such a horrible read and that you haven't felt supported. Some people have been needlessly cruel. But the majority... well, the majority (myself included) just really don't want to see you get hit by the train. It bloody hurts. And it's so rare to get the chance to try and stop this kind of shit when it's still in its early stages, before you're tied in by children and shared housing. So please, take a good look at the train bearing down on you. Just because it didn't ask to get driven there, doesn't mean it won't run you over. Then get off the tracks, ok?

Beautifully put @NordicNobody

OP you've had a range of responses on here but underlying them all is the urge to make sure you and your child are safe and that the exW is made aware of what is happening, so she too can take steps to ensure her privacy isn't violated and she too can stay safe. If some of the harsher posts have shocked you and made you think then that isn't a bad thing. If you are going to make sure the exW is made aware of what is happening then that is a very good thing. Relationships do break down for a multitude of reasons and when children are involved, emotions can run away (single parent, own lots of bloody difficult t-shirts believe me), but your DPs behaviour is not acceptable. Full-stop. Please find someone in RL to talk to. And please take care

It seems like he lied to you about why they broke up. That’s not on you. Most abusive men lie about their exes. I think your relationship needs to cool down a bit. You need to get some perspective here.

OP, why won’t you answer the question as to why they split?

People are not abusing the OP here. She is complicit in allowing a man to stalk his ex wife, and the reasons she has found it uncomfortable haven’t been because she finds it creepy, they’ve been because she doesn’t like it as she feels that he’s using time with her to check up on his ex. Added to that there is something more which she clearly knows but doesn’t want to admit on here. Why did he leave?

My ex followed me several times after we split up. As I said before he bugged the House, hacked into my social media, and when I closed down those avenues i.e. changed my passwords etc he started installing keyloggers on my computer.

He was never violent towards me but I was afraid of him anyway. And just before I moved out he went out for the evening and then pretended to break into the house to scare me, and then propositioned me for sex .

Even if he’s not violent the idea of being constantly watched is terrifying and chilling. I could have gone back in the beginning, but one of the reasons I couldn’t was the fact that as he had bugged the house I felt as if I would never be free to speak, or do anything which he wasn’t watching.

I would love to hear the other side of this story

You let a man do that to another woman and stood by him as he stalked her? Really? You have played a big part in this by just letting him do it - you should be ashamed. .

You need to step back and take a look at yourself - do you really want to lead your child down this path? To be raised by someone like this? I don’t know what you will do OP, I suspect (by the amount of excuses you seem to be making for him) you will stay with him, good luck, you’ll need it. Poor woman - she doesn’t even know what’s happening behind her back.

definitely stalking her and its totally wrong her hasn't been open with her about you. Its been long enough! When does he plan on telling her? He sounds very dangerous, think long and hard about what you are doing!

FFS. What are you doing?! Get away from him.

I haven’t read all the posts, only your OP.

His actions are totally unacceptable. He is stalking his EX. No excuse.

He has not emotionally detached.

She needs to be warned or you report it to the police. It’s against the law and unacceptable, no excuse.

Have you read any of those links OP? Here's a few things to think about from the Suzy Lamplugh leaflet which are relevant:

"More than 90% of those who contacted us last year knew their stalker. Many domestic violence abusers go on to stalk their ex- partner once the relationship is over."

"The stalker is not handling the breakup well.
This is a common excuse used by perpetrators of stalking and others who attempt to justify stalking behaviour. Persistent unwanted contact is not acceptable and no one should feel in fear. "

"However, no history of violence is not a guarantee that a stalker won’t become violent or that they haven’t been violent in the past, it may just be that the victim did not report to the police. In addition, physical violence is not the only risk from being stalked and many victims experience enduring psychological distress, with 50%
developing PTSD."

There is a definite link between violence and stalking. Again, you need to think about why his nearly adult children refuse to have a relationship with him and why her family have threatened him. You know he's obsessive and controlling.

Can you get some distance? Can you talk to someone in real life about this? You must be reeling but you really need to take steps to keep everyone safe here, however hard that might be to face up to.

Are you much younger than him op? How did you know him for years and not her?

Please tell me you didn't work for him?

This is a hard thread for me to read as I was in the position of this guy's ex. My ex DH utterly destroyed me with this kind of behaviour, and his new gf was complicit in it using much the same language as you are OP to rationalise the behaviour.

His new gf also had me down as a bit nuts, probably because she witnessed some of my reactions to him which weren't kind after I came to terms with the fact he'd been emotionally abusive for so long. I was angry and defensive. To her I probably appeared antagonistic, but I was protecting myself against him, and that took priority over worrying what her opinion of me would be. She said that he wasn't a real stalker but had been driven to it out of anxiety. She said it was a totally reasonable response to a highly stressful situation. She said that he wasn't a bad person at all, but was doing a thing that most people would consider bad only if they didn't know what he'd been through. She said it must be hard for him to deal with someone like me, and that his intentions were all good. She said she knew he would never do anything like that to her, because she brought out the good in him, whereas I brought out the bad.

It's devastating to be on the receiving end of that kind of thing. I just wanted them both to focus less on WHY he had done what he'd done, and instead focus on what his behaviour had been. All stalkers feel they're justified in stalking. People who physically abuse their partners feel they're justified to do that too. It's all about how bad they feel, what they've been through, what they're forced to do to retain control and feel better about things. Fuck that. Fuck whatever they think gives them the right to behave that way, the deep hurts they've suffered that mean it's ok for them to do it. As the ex wife, WHY he did it wasn't important. He stalked me. Cut through all the waffle and diversions, and that is the plain reality. He had NO right to do what he did.

He's still with his gf and he wouldn't think twice about stalking her too. How do I know this? Because he felt entitled to do it to me. That sense of entitlement means he will be able to convince himself that it's ok for him to do anything, because when he does it, it's because of x, y or z which make it all perfectly reasonable and understandable. And she endorsed that idea.

Your bf does this because he feels entitled to do it. He believes he has a right to barge past her privacy and boundaries and satisfy that itch using whatever excuse allows him to do it without his conscience bothering him. Maybe he even believes the lies he tells himself. But her reality is that she's being stalked, and that's the end of it.

Incidentally, my ex DH stalked me in this way for a year. According to him, it becomes addictive. Do be careful.