DP tracking his ExW and reading her emails.

[NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful]

Urgh. This is really messing with my head.

So, DP has been separated for 2 years. Divorce in progress. He left. There are 2 older teenage DCs. We have been together 1.5 years, it's serious and we will be moving in together.

Basically, without writing a novel, there are a few issues at play here. He tracks his ex wife on Find My IPhone - he has the password. He says he does it to see where his children are (on same cloud), and so that he doesn't ever have to bump into exw. I've been unhappy with this as it smacks of not letting go, and of control - not to mention legal implications of invasion of privacy.
Thing is, it's not just for the kids. The exw had a night out on Saturday and he kept checking to see where she was and was frustrated that her phone seemed to be offline.
We rowed about it. I told him he needs to let go. He told me that he has let go, but because of the nature of the split - she took it very badly and it's impacted massively on his relationship with his children who took their mum's side and don't really want to see him, that he does it to feel part of the children's lives still...or something,

It's not only that. He regularly checks her email. He also has that password - she isn't technogically minded, and he set up all these things when they were still together. He says he does it see if there are any emails regarding a sport his eldest dc takes part in, as the exw is telling him nothing anymore. I think that is also completely unacceptable.

Further, he's been very reticent about telling her that he has a new relationship. I accepted that due to the precarious nature of his relationship with his kids and didn't want to rock the boat. However, at this stage we are serious about a future together. The other week we were spotted by a relative of the exw who reported back to her that we had been seen together. She text him to ask if he was with someone else, and expressed that he had promised to tell her if he was seeing someone new, and that it hurt to hear second hand (totally reasonable of her in my opinion) and that she (and the kids, she always involves them) would like the truth from him.

He text her back minimising everything, saying it was someone he had very recently started seeing and that it was far too soon to tell the children.
Lies. Total lies. We've been together since 2016. He has met my entire family and child many times. We have had family holidays together and we are going to be buying a house together.

He is just so scared she will use anything against him to create an even worse relationship with his children.

To say I'm fed up of all of this is a huge understatement. We also rowed about his reply to her text. I understand he would have preferred to tell her that he was in a relationship and not for her to hear it second hand, but he should have told her before, in my opinion. And now that she knows something, he should have been more honest. Not to rub her nose in it, but not to minimise me and make me feel like a nothing in his life.

The rest of our relationship is excellent, otherwise I'd not be able to cope with his.

I don't know what to do about this though. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or he is. I am looking for some advice on how to handle it.

At the very least you need to find a way to tell her to change all her passwords and turn off the app on her phone.

That’s the VERY least you should do!

OP - he's not ready for a relationship with someone else.

Obviously he likes someone to have sex with and spend time with. But mentally and emotionally, he's not over his marriage. Many people seem to think the person who left is immediately 'over it' as it was their idea, but many take a long time to recover themselves, even more so if they don't feel they need to recover as it's a 'good thing' they have split up.

The most generous way to view his behaviour is that he's not recovered from his marriage suitably enough to be ready to commit to a new relationship. This is why he's keeping stalking his exW and hiding his relationship with you. (In his head, his relationship with the ExW is the primary one, so your relationship is an affair, even though you got together a while after he was single - he wasn't mentally single and still isn't).

Move on.

And in the future, judge if a man is a good man based on what they are like when exhibiting their worse behaviour, not their best.

I'm not a naive woman.

How can you say that and then go on to say I don't think my DP is a bad person.

He is a liar, he is a stalker. Stalking his ex wife when she is on a night out and being “frustrated” if her phone is offline is not connecting with his children FFS.

Wake up.

I would be pointing out to him that reading her emails is a criminal offence.

Yes this. Have you done this and if not why do you feel unable to do so when you know it is wrong and illegal?

When his wife eventually starts dating someone else and is evident in her emails, I have every suspicion that he will use her location tracker to find and attack her and/or any new man she's seeing.

That is what men like him do.

At this point you too will be investigated by the police. Prison and having your child taken off you, does that sound good to you.

But it's quite plain that nothing anybody says here is getting through to you or you just don't care.

Good luck, you're going to need it.

I don’t think he is stalking or will stalk the OP.
He doesn’t care enough about her.
He’s only obsessed with his ex-wife.

Oh ffs stop minimisiing what he is doing op.

HE IS STALKINIG HIS EX end of, no excuse, no reasons its illegal.

He is not keeping tabs on his kids if they are adults and she is out on her own. He is keeping tabs on her. And you can bet your sweet life he will try the same with you.

Tell her what he is doing, he is violating her privacy and she needs to know and get the police involved.

Nothing he has said or done justifies his absolutely creepy behaviour.

Get your child and yourself out of this fucked up situation. How would you feel if your ex knew every little thing about you by spying on you? By reading your emails, tracking your movements? Its vile, he is a control freak. I wonder why his exs family hate him so much? What did he do before he left/immediately after he left her? And I wouldnt give too much credence to what he says after all you know he has lied about his ex and about you to her.

And I wouldnt want to be someones dirty little secret for 18 months. Its not toddlers he is 'protecting' they are adults I dont think they need 'protecting' for 18 months. Everything he says is bullshit and you are buying it.

"Has his ex wife dated op? Because I reckon if she does that's when this is going to get very nasty indeed."

This.

I am not convinced that 'he left her' is the whole story. I suspect it's far more complex than that and he won't be happy when she gets herself a new bloke.

If he is worried about his relationshi[p with his teens there are better ways to address that. Stalking is not a solution to anything.

He’s following her movements on nights out and checking her emails because he doesn’t want her to meet anyone else.

HTH

Op if his dc are adult teens almost adults then stalking his ex is still illegal invading her privacy is still stalking.

If he wants a relationship with his teens/adults he'll need to reach out to them separately from his ex. He had their entire childhood to build a bond with them
They themselves are now in charge of whom they want in their young adults lives.

Your dp cannot control who they want in their lives through stalking their mother which Frankly gives them every reason to not want their father in their lives.
The ex needs informing that her privacy and movements are being tracker and invaded today before your dp logs in and continues stalking her yet again

And your dp needs to accept his dc get to decide from now on if he deserves a place in their lives

Op, from what you are saying, you still believe this man is a good guy except for one little fault. Let me ask you, would you drink a cup of tea that had a tiny amount of shit stirred into it? That is the true picture of your relationship. You need to break up with him.

I advise you to end this relationship and do it soon. You'll be having a lucky escape. He is stalking his ex; you know that. It has nothing at all to do with his kids, it's about control.

You can do better. You deserve someone who focuses himself on you, not on spending every waking second on what his ex wife is doing. Why are you still with this man?

When you say she has been awful to him and you have heard it what kind of awful? Angry? Resistant? Avoidant?

Because women who have broken free of controlling men tend to be quite angry and resistant. Weird that.

Ps your dp could also be a normal parent and friend request his dc on social media. If they accept or ignore the decision is theirs and still not a good enough reason to justify stalking a woman he is no longer in relationship with

What's even worse is what seems to have tipped the op over th edge was him denying her existence basically. Past that she's clearly been accepting what he's been doing for the last 18 months.

Just the mental image of a woman sitting there, watching her partner stalk his ex on a night out, watch him getting angry because she was off line and discuss it with her is so discomfiting. And then to say it's because he wants to feel part of his kids lives. To sit there knowing he is going through her emails. To accept it. And to pretend to yourself you believe it's so he can find out about his kids sport?

To then try to tell yourself that his kids don't want anything to do with him due to thr split. She must know kids this age don't do that if the parent child relationship was a good one.

It's just all so wrong, but then you factor in she's classifying herself as a family with this man, having him involved with her child, knowing. Knowing what he is. I'm struggling to get past it.

Just one question OP, Are you going to tell the ExW he is stalking her?

At first you just sounded niave and able to listen to advice- now you sound just as bad as him. OP you are condoning and are complicit in serious stalking.

As for him stalking me - I'm way too tech savvy for that. There's zero way he has my passwords.

The first thing any tech savvy person would check is all their devices for keylogging software. Have you done that? I'm betting on no. I cannot believe your are defending this man. What he is doing is not normal. His poor wife has no idea her creepy estranged husband is stalking her. You are utterly mad if you continue a relationship with this creep.

I feel he does all of these things to regain some sense of connection to his family
He stalks her on a nights out!!!!
How is that anything to do with connecting with his family?
Absolutely fuck all - that's what!
He's tracking his ex- WIFE!!
Not his kids.
And again...... HE SET ALL THAT UP BEFORE HE LEFT!
Before he knew what would kick off.
Wake up and smell the coffee (and the bullshit!!!)

He has an unhealthy obsession with his ex wife that has nothing to do with his relationship with his children.

He is stalking his ex wife and justifying it by saying it is a way to feel in contact with his children. This is complete and utter bullshit and you know it.

If it was all about the kids then why was he so agitated that he couldn't track her constantly when she was on a night out on Saturday? What does her personal email correspondence have to do with the relationship with his children? What does he think his children will think of him when they discover that he is a disturbed creep of a man who has stalked their mother?

Why the hell is he denying your existence as a partner of 18 months? The children are tween/teenage they aren't primary age, I sincerely doubt that finding out that their father (who has been separated from their mother for 2 years) is in a relationship will be a catastrophe and detrimental to their well being.

You might feel you are in a serious relationship with him but his actions clearly demonstrate that the feeling is not reciprocated by him.

You are witnessing a snapshot of his illegal disgusting behaviour towards his ex partner yet you describe her as an unreasonable angry woman because you choose to believe whatever he tells you and even worse you are minimising his behaviour when you could actually put a stop to it. He is already conditioning and manipulating you to accept his immoral sick behaviour and it is working.

The right thing to do is to get you and your child the hell away from this vile man and maybe look in to doing the freedom program to help you identify abusive arseholes. Go to the police and contact his ex and inform them of his behaviour.

NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful you have been groomed, coerced and hoodwinked into being an accomplice of your DP's crimes.

Call the stalking helpline 0808 802 0300 and get some help for you and his Ex wife. She is at great risk, and you - well he has demonstrated that you are not at all important.

Or walk into a Police Station they will take this seriously, he is presenting a well documented profile (as are you).

His kids have the right idea OP. You should follow their lead and drop contact with this man.

After you've told his ex or the police about his stalking that is.

You’re as bad as him. Words fail me. Are you seriously so desperate that you get with shortly after his marriage ended and he actively stalks her. Your a stand in op a bit on the side that’s it.

Yes, you need to do the decent thing here and let the ex know op, that he is tracking her movements and reading her personal emails. You can't let this go on. You need to help protect her and the kids, you can't sit by and watch as he does this to her.

You should go to the police, but I doubt you will. But at the very least let her know what's happening. She's going to find out at some point. He will give himself away by revealing something he shouldn't know. And the fact you knew and watched must make you sick to your stomach in terms of the reaction you will get.

Let her know. It's the only moral and decent thing to do. You cannot be complicit in this anymore.