DP tracking his ExW and reading her emails.

[NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful]

Urgh. This is really messing with my head.

So, DP has been separated for 2 years. Divorce in progress. He left. There are 2 older teenage DCs. We have been together 1.5 years, it's serious and we will be moving in together.

Basically, without writing a novel, there are a few issues at play here. He tracks his ex wife on Find My IPhone - he has the password. He says he does it to see where his children are (on same cloud), and so that he doesn't ever have to bump into exw. I've been unhappy with this as it smacks of not letting go, and of control - not to mention legal implications of invasion of privacy.
Thing is, it's not just for the kids. The exw had a night out on Saturday and he kept checking to see where she was and was frustrated that her phone seemed to be offline.
We rowed about it. I told him he needs to let go. He told me that he has let go, but because of the nature of the split - she took it very badly and it's impacted massively on his relationship with his children who took their mum's side and don't really want to see him, that he does it to feel part of the children's lives still...or something,

It's not only that. He regularly checks her email. He also has that password - she isn't technogically minded, and he set up all these things when they were still together. He says he does it see if there are any emails regarding a sport his eldest dc takes part in, as the exw is telling him nothing anymore. I think that is also completely unacceptable.

Further, he's been very reticent about telling her that he has a new relationship. I accepted that due to the precarious nature of his relationship with his kids and didn't want to rock the boat. However, at this stage we are serious about a future together. The other week we were spotted by a relative of the exw who reported back to her that we had been seen together. She text him to ask if he was with someone else, and expressed that he had promised to tell her if he was seeing someone new, and that it hurt to hear second hand (totally reasonable of her in my opinion) and that she (and the kids, she always involves them) would like the truth from him.

He text her back minimising everything, saying it was someone he had very recently started seeing and that it was far too soon to tell the children.
Lies. Total lies. We've been together since 2016. He has met my entire family and child many times. We have had family holidays together and we are going to be buying a house together.

He is just so scared she will use anything against him to create an even worse relationship with his children.

To say I'm fed up of all of this is a huge understatement. We also rowed about his reply to her text. I understand he would have preferred to tell her that he was in a relationship and not for her to hear it second hand, but he should have told her before, in my opinion. And now that she knows something, he should have been more honest. Not to rub her nose in it, but not to minimise me and make me feel like a nothing in his life.

The rest of our relationship is excellent, otherwise I'd not be able to cope with his.

I don't know what to do about this though. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or he is. I am looking for some advice on how to handle it.

If the children are older teens and not seeing him through choice then I'd imagine they have a better grasp on who he is than you do OP. You don't know what they saw and experienced with him in their lives,only what he has chosen to tell you. However you know the consequences of this so you can deduce that he isn't a good man and wasn't a good father either.
You must be off your trolley to shackle yourself to this man, run and run quickly and let the ex wife know what he is doing.

Do you know you could be describing my best friends husband to a T; a version of you even exists in that scenario too.

Let me be plain. He is a controlling, stalking accident waiting to happen. In our case, despite knowing it will end horribly we are actually grateful that his version of you exists as all the time he’s distracted he isn’t unleashing the full crazy on my friend.

If you’re smart you’ll take yourself and your child and exit.

We were so relieved when he left. I’m not the only one that jumped when the phone rang unexpectedly thinking he’d finally lost it.

Get out of this relationship and get out fast. Don't fgs buy a house with him.

He is stalking his ex, who he walked out on, and his own kids do not want to see him. Tells you a lot about who he really is.

I cross posted with you op.

You can't for one moment believe what you're posting, he has an adult child but tracks and stalks his ex wife to feel part of the kids lives? Even when she's on nights out? He doesn't want to tell her about you in case it damages his relationship with his kids? He has no relationship with his kids. For kids this age to walk away from a parent they would need to be a very bad parent indeed.

You keep positing all this illogical stuff to justify it.

The cold hard facts are, his children want nothing to do with him. He's tracking his ex wives where abouts, he is reading her personal emails, he is lying to you about your future, he is lying to you about his motivations, he is lying to her about you and I assume other things.

Actions speak louder than words. This is what this man is doing. He may not be a lunatic, but he is deeply dishonest, manipulative, creepy, a stalker and a bad parent.

That's it. That's who he is. There is no justifation.

MN: He's a stalker

OP: Ah but he's not that bad really.

MN: No seriously he's a stalker

OP: Ah but he's had a very hard time

MN: He's going to do it to you too

OP: You don't understand, he was devastated by the split, he's just a bit mixed up at the moment.

The worst thing OP is that you're going to just keep letting it happen. He's just gonna learn not to tell you about it any more.

He's capable of murder for sure. Run. Like the wind.

NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful
If you were the ex wife how would you feel? At being violated like this and knowing that the new partner knew?
You maybe right that the breakup made him this way, but it doesnt make your dp any less controlling.
What happens ifyou break up in the future andthis happens to you?

Jesus, OP, be better.

Get this abusive sick criminal out of your and your child’s life and have the basic decency to alert his Ex to his stalking of her.

He is breaking the law. Run, and change all your passwords too!x

So he's a weird, creepy stalker who pretends you don't really exist, and you think the rest of your relationship is great (plus you haven't told his ex that he's stalking her)?

I would have given you my first ever LTB, but maybe you're quite suited to each other I would run a mile from both of you

I'd also agree with a previous poster. You have a duty to protect your child.

You've invited a man into their life who you know is such a bad parent his own children won't see him, you know he is a stalker and a liar, you know he is controlling.

If this gets nasty, as it undoubtedly will, your fitness as a parent will rightly be questioned. It's one thing to be with someone like this when only you are impacted, it's a whole other story when you involve your own child.

Stop justifying behaviour that cannot be justified.

He has been tracking her and the children since the day he left (got kicked out) and probably long before that.

Wake up and run!

maybe you're quite suited to each other

^^ this

And anyone who knowingly allows an abusive stalker into their home isn't fit to be in charge of children.

OP

From your posts, you strike me as an educated, articulate and thoughtful person. You really do.

And yet in this scenario you simply can’t see the wood for the tres.

The fact that your partner does these things has much wider implications that invading someone’s privacy. It really does reveal himself to be someone with a very skewed moral core. Unpleasant to say the least

I wonder if you could be seen as an accessory to harassment; if this escalated, as you know all about it?

Regardless;
But I don't want him to he painted as a monster when really he has just been a very upset and desperate man who is struggling to accept the changes in his life.

If he's upset and desperate; it's because he still wants her, and he's worried she's moving on. That's why he's tracking her on nights out and reading her email.

It's nothing to do with the children at all.

The kids are too old for a court order - one is an adult teen, the other not far behind. He tried that and was advised by his solicitor that they were too old to be forced to comply.

They have been separated for 2 years but his adult and near adult children want nothing to do with him? That doesn't happen from a bit of bad mouthing, not with children that age who previously had a good relationship

You have a child, you have a duty to that child. Do not move in or even maintain a relationship with this stalker.

You also have a duty to report his breaking the law by hacking her email and stalking her unless she has told you face to face that she has consented to him doing this.

You are being taken for a ride. Escape, if only for your child's sake.

Run far and fast from this man and report him to police. He’s a whack job

Oh good lord just seen you have a child.

I missed that.

Ok dismiss my above comment about you striking me as “thoughtful”.

And now you are minimising his behaviour. You posted that it was "messing with your head".

You KNOW this isn't right, but you want everyone to come up with a magical explanation that will make it OK - because you don't want to believe that you've spent the last 18 months with an unbalanced manipulative creep.

How the hell would you feel if you were the one being monitored like this? FFS how can you stand by and say nothing whilst HE BREAKS THE LAW and stalks her movements and emails?

If you carry on turning a blind eye to this then you are complicit in him stalking his Ex - and that makes you as bad as him. The fact that you have a daughter of your own makes this truly frightening.

www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

www.suzylamplugh.org/Pages/Category/national-stalking-helpline

www.gov.uk/report-stalker

placemarking here as this sounds very familiar to me but I need to think about it

He is stalking his ex, my adult dd is being stalked by her controlling ex and he was tracking her and reading her emails, I would be pointing out to him that reading her emails is a criminal offence.

Generally thinking I find mumsnetters are a bit harsh on male partners but this is super creepy and I agree with all the comments saying "run".

I actually feel really sorry for the OP - but not as sorry as I do the ex wife. I am dumbfounded reading the justifications.

Yes, people can handle break ups badly. Yes, people can go slightly mad when their families are separated. But this goes WAY beyond that. Not only has it been years since they split, he's been with you for most of it! and I use the term 'with you' very loosely. He's using you to fill a physical gap of having a woman in his life. I cannot get my head around you sitting next to him whilst he checks up on his ex whilst she is out (no children there to check up on!!).

What he is doing is hugely violating (and illegal), no matter how you look at it.

I wouldn't point out anything to him, I'd assume he has a history of behaviour that would make it unsafe to challenge him, and get him out of my life.

Then use the 'report a stalker' link 3 posts up.