The kids are too old for a court order - one is an adult teen, the other not far behind. He tried that and was advised by his solicitor that they were too old to be forced to comply. He is devastated by loss of his relationship with them and that has torn him apart, I believe this had led to behaviour he wouldn't otherwise exhibit.
If the kids are that old then they have made their own mind up about him, haven't they? They're not impressionable six year olds whose minds have been poisoned against him by their evil mother.
I don't think he was controlling with his ex.
AARRRGHHH.
Her response to him leaving was that she desperately wanted him back, and I believe still does in some way, although she is now mainly angry.
So he says.
The finances are all sorted. She got the house and he was Incredibly generous - his guilt about leaving fuelling that, and hope that he would get dc's on side.
So he says. In my experience, very few men going through a divorce voluntarily give their ex wife a much bigger share than the judge thinks they should be entitled to, especially once the children are grown up.
He questions himself every day what he did wrong that the kids don't want to have much to do with him, and I can't answer that either, I just don't know.
Really? Are you shitting me?
I feel he does all of these things to regain some sense of connection to his family. Yes perhaps his ex wife too, they were together many years.
Well stalking is one way to regain some sense of connection to your family, I'll give you that. Just not a healthy, sane or indeed legal way.
I don't want this to be read as justifying his behaviour and I think his message to her minimising my role in his life as someone he has basically just started seeing and definitely too soon to tell the kids as there is 'nothing to tell' is wholly out of bloody order and really giving me massive worries about everything.
Your whole post is attempting to justify his behaviour. Out of all the things he is doing, the thing that is "giving you massive worries about everything" is by far the least worrying. The stalking and controlling behaviour (and the lying) should be more of a problem for you.
I'm not a naive woman. I'm separated myself, though have a much more sane relationship with my ex.
You are coming across as naive, sorry. Maybe it's because you've been lucky enough not to be with someone like this in the past, so you don't recognise this kind of behaviour for what it is.
I don't think my DP is a bad person. I think he's been desperate and it's caused some really skewed thinking. I also think he tends to be very weak when it comes to anything he fears may threaten his fragile relationship with his kids further.
Good people don't stalk their exes and children. They just don't.
It's beyond fucked up, and it all needs to stop immediately, I completely see that. But I don't want him to he painted as a monster when really he has just been a very upset and desperate man who is struggling to accept the changes in his life.
Please stop trying to make him the victim here. I'm sure he does have problems, but you don't need to make those problems your problems. For the sake of your child, if not for yourself, please get away from this toxic, abusive, controlling, law-breaking man.
I really really don't want to be seen to be saying his actions are ok, but I do want to stress that he is not the lunatic that people who don't have the whole context have been suggesting.
There is no possible context that would make this kind of behaviour OK.