DP tracking his ExW and reading her emails.

[NameChangeAsThisIsBloodyAwful]

Urgh. This is really messing with my head.

So, DP has been separated for 2 years. Divorce in progress. He left. There are 2 older teenage DCs. We have been together 1.5 years, it's serious and we will be moving in together.

Basically, without writing a novel, there are a few issues at play here. He tracks his ex wife on Find My IPhone - he has the password. He says he does it to see where his children are (on same cloud), and so that he doesn't ever have to bump into exw. I've been unhappy with this as it smacks of not letting go, and of control - not to mention legal implications of invasion of privacy.
Thing is, it's not just for the kids. The exw had a night out on Saturday and he kept checking to see where she was and was frustrated that her phone seemed to be offline.
We rowed about it. I told him he needs to let go. He told me that he has let go, but because of the nature of the split - she took it very badly and it's impacted massively on his relationship with his children who took their mum's side and don't really want to see him, that he does it to feel part of the children's lives still...or something,

It's not only that. He regularly checks her email. He also has that password - she isn't technogically minded, and he set up all these things when they were still together. He says he does it see if there are any emails regarding a sport his eldest dc takes part in, as the exw is telling him nothing anymore. I think that is also completely unacceptable.

Further, he's been very reticent about telling her that he has a new relationship. I accepted that due to the precarious nature of his relationship with his kids and didn't want to rock the boat. However, at this stage we are serious about a future together. The other week we were spotted by a relative of the exw who reported back to her that we had been seen together. She text him to ask if he was with someone else, and expressed that he had promised to tell her if he was seeing someone new, and that it hurt to hear second hand (totally reasonable of her in my opinion) and that she (and the kids, she always involves them) would like the truth from him.

He text her back minimising everything, saying it was someone he had very recently started seeing and that it was far too soon to tell the children.
Lies. Total lies. We've been together since 2016. He has met my entire family and child many times. We have had family holidays together and we are going to be buying a house together.

He is just so scared she will use anything against him to create an even worse relationship with his children.

To say I'm fed up of all of this is a huge understatement. We also rowed about his reply to her text. I understand he would have preferred to tell her that he was in a relationship and not for her to hear it second hand, but he should have told her before, in my opinion. And now that she knows something, he should have been more honest. Not to rub her nose in it, but not to minimise me and make me feel like a nothing in his life.

The rest of our relationship is excellent, otherwise I'd not be able to cope with his.

I don't know what to do about this though. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or he is. I am looking for some advice on how to handle it.

A fairly unanimous answer to your Ainu OP. I do hope you manage to get some clarity and at least tell the exw about this.

hes stalking her.
he is ashamed of his relationship with you.

end things and tell the ex. imagine if that was you and his latest girlfriend didnt tell you.

Its her he's obsessed with, not the kids. The fact he becomes frustrated when she turns her phone off on nights out is proof of that.

This is disgusting. He seems to think he owns her, or is owed her. She is not to be allowed any privacy from him. Honestly revolting. He's a piece of shit.

Let alone the fact that he doesn't care enough about you or respect your relationship enough to not keep it a shameful secret.

Don't buy a house with him. He's gross. Leave. And tell her to change all her passwords.

Even if he was interested in the kids- if your kids dont want to see you, how do you think they wold feel after they found out you were stalking them?....

Its probably been tough to hear all this, but I agree you do sound a bit deluded about it. His explanations are not logical, and even if there was some logic its still totally unacceptable.

To be honest the least of your worries is that he is hiding you. But that would be enough to leave anyway. Forget about the rest. How many years are you willing to be a secret for? Youre wasting your time!

I’m divorced. Ex dh simply provided his contact details to the school and arranged for a duplicate set of information to be provided to him too, so he knows all about sports days, reports, parents evening etc. Kids have been at more than one school since we split and all of the schools have done this. Very standard practice.

I don’t think he is doing this to you. I also think it’s laughable you think he’s doing this because of his kids

He is not over her!!!! THAT is the ONLY reason why he’s doing this.
If he was stalking her to keep in the loop with his kids, why would he need to know her exact where abouts when she’s on a night out? Why was he becoming frustrated when the phone went offline?

Get real OP, you’re a fool. Sorry but you are. Maybe he did break off their relationship but he clearly isn’t over her. He isn’t stalking his kids, he isnt stalking her because of his kids either. He’s stalking her because he’s a creep and wants to know exactly what she’s up to

Why would you even think of staying with a man who stalks his ex and invades her privacy by reading her PRIVATE PERSONAL emails? That’s fucking weird.

What he’s doing is illegal. Dress it up however much you want but he’s a creep and by staying silent you’re letting him get away with it.

Been there, got the t-shirt, and it is not one I ever want to wear again.

There is something very wrong with this man.

He left his wife and teenage children and has barely seen his children since.
He has been in a relationship with you for 18 months but has not mentioned you to his wife.
You have been on holidays, he has met your children and family- his know nothing about you and have never met you.
He has now minimised your relationship and what you mean to him now he has been found out.
You seem to have accepted his justification that it is because he is worried about what the wife would tell his children - yet he never sees them.
He stalks his wife.

Do not move in with him. Look after yourself, never mind him.

This thread is unanimous in telling you to leave this sick fuck. Are you going to leave him? Because staying with him would either mean you’re completely delusional or a sick fuck yourself.

I agree this is about her and not the kids,

Op are you coming back?

This man is lying to you. I think you know that. He's not going to buy a house with you or be moving in with you, when he doesn't even want his ex to know about you.

He's also tracking her for a reason, either to fuck her over in the divorce or to see if she's involved with anyone else. Probably both.

He's not a good person. He is lying To you, he is lying to her, his children want nothing to do with him and he's also a stalker. Children do not end their relationship with good parents.

But even if you feel nothing for her and them, then you do need to accept he is lying when he says you will move intogether, that became very clear when he told her you were just someone he had started seeing.

Why didn't he put his time and energy into going down the formal court route for access when they first split?

And take a cold hard look at what you're saying. He is stalking HER movements and reading all of HER personal emails because he misses his kids - really? Instead of trying to keep in touch with them and prioritise repairing his relationship with them?

Does this actually make sense to you - because it shouldn't. It's nonsense. That's like me saying I'm going to hack my old boss' emails because I miss the other people he manages at the company I used to work for. It's bullshit!

And if you don't believe that he could stalk you then you are shockingly naive. You should be very worried about the fact that he has openly admitted what he is doing. If he feels that this is such a normal thing to do then it suggests that he views the women he has relationships with as nothing more than his property. I think you should consider your own safety very carefully as men like this can be extremely dangerous.

The fact that you answered the question "would he ever stalk you?" With "no I'm too tech savvy" and not "no because he loves and respects me" is really messed up.

The fact that you think any level of being "wonderful in every other way" can mitigate this behaviour, is really messed up.

For god's sake, change your passwords, tell his wife, and LTB. And once you do, prepare yourself for police involvement as I can guarantee that won't be the end of it.

Oh, and about the "crazy ex withholding contact", my friend was dating a man who never saw his kids as his ex was withholding contact. I asked her why he didn't go through court for access and she said he was afraid his ex would "lie" to police about DV if he did. I asked her how sure she was it was a lie and if he'd ever been violent to her. She thought about it and then said "well, there was this one time that we argued and he pushed me over and held me down... but that doesn't count, right?"

If the "crazy ex" says they did it, they probably did it.

A man who behaves like this is not someone you want in your life and - ESPECIALLY - not someone you want in your child's life.

Dismissing the specifics of the illegal behaviour he's engaged in for now, he is still engaged in his prior marriage. He is not ready for another relationship. He is not capable of another relationship. He can't even be honest about your relationship.

That's all that matters in relation to you right now. You should certainly not be tying yourself to this man. He would do better to be alone for a while, resolve his issues, and then consider where things stand. There's no rush.

Thanks to another poster on a another thread here is a list of Stalking Helplines from This Morning.

OP perhaps you could talk through what is gong on with one of them. They would be able to knowledgeably help you to work out what your DP’s behaviour is dong (for him, and to his ex and DCs) and how much at risk you might be.

The kids are too old for a court order - one is an adult teen, the other not far behind. He tried that and was advised by his solicitor that they were too old to be forced to comply. He is devastated by loss of his relationship with them and that has torn him apart, I believe this had led to behaviour he wouldn't otherwise exhibit.

I don't think he was controlling with his ex. Her response to him leaving was that she desperately wanted him back, and I believe still does in some way, although she is now mainly angry.

The finances are all sorted. She got the house and he was Incredibly generous - his guilt about leaving fuelling that, and hope that he would get dc's on side.

He questions himself every day what he did wrong that the kids don't want to have much to do with him, and I can't answer that either, I just don't know.

I feel he does all of these things to regain some sense of connection to his family. Yes perhaps his ex wife too, they were together many years.

I don't want this to be read as justifying his behaviour and I think his message to her minimising my role in his life as someone he has basically just started seeing and definitely too soon to tell the kids as there is 'nothing to tell' is wholly out of bloody order and really giving me massive worries about everything.

I'm not a naive woman. I'm separated myself, though have a much more sane relationship with my ex.

I don't think my DP is a bad person. I think he's been desperate and it's caused some really skewed thinking. I also think he tends to be very weak when it comes to anything he fears may threaten his fragile relationship with his kids further.

It's beyond fucked up, and it all needs to stop immediately, I completely see that. But I don't want him to he painted as a monster when really he has just been a very upset and desperate man who is struggling to accept the changes in his life.

I really really don't want to be seen to be saying his actions are ok, but I do want to stress that he is not the lunatic that people who don't have the whole context have been suggesting.

She says the kids are teenage, so they will get to say if they wish to see him or not, the fact they don't he can do little about. But it says a lot.

Teenage Children don't end relationships with a good parent easily. So something here is very wrong indeed.

As they are teenagers, tracking his wife to see where they are is illogical, clearly they aren't with her all the time, and the mere fact he knew she was on a night out and he was still tracking her and getting frustrated he couldn't see where she was, should also tell the op something is very wrong here. It's her he's tracking, it's nothing to do with the kids. He's lying to the op on so many levels.

I suspect he may be gaslighting the op, I simply can't understand why she doesn't know if she's being unreasonable or not. Any normal person would get out of this relationship and fast because there is something very wrong with this man.

Op, you have 11 pages of people telling you that your partner is an abuser. He’s a nasty, lying stalker who is continuing to attempt to control his ex wife. Trust me, if you stay you will be next. He does not love you and probabky never will. He has never loved his wife. You don’t treat the people you love the way he has/is treating his ex/you. But you will be his next “subject”. If you stay, as time goes by and you move in together, he’ll convince you to start sharing your location just “because it’s easy to see when you’re on your way home to start dinner” etc. Then he’ll convince you to share your email passwords “for joint bills” etc. Then it’ll be a joint account so “it all goes in one pot so we can manage our incomes/outgoings” etc. If you stay, within a year he will know where you are, who you’re in contact with, what you’re spending and where ALL OF THE TIME. He’ll start quizzing you on why you spent a tenner in boots when you were in Starbucks 5 minutes later. He is insane. If you stay with him your future is fucking chilling.

Trust me. I’ve been where you are. It was just to check on his kids he followed his ex. Next thing I knew I was in a relationship with a jealous, obsessive control freak who started beating me up if I ever dared question why he needed to track me, check my bank account, read my texts/emails.

You. Need. To. Run. I get that it’s hard, you’ve spent 18 months getting to know this man, including him in your life and picturing your future with him. But please, please listen when I say that a future with him in it is not one you want.

Oh dear.

I think you should tell the police (to avoid you being implicated if nothing else) and then get away from this man as quickly as possible. You sound utterly brainwashed and unable to see what is completely obvious to every other poster on here.

Shame on you OP, shame on you for standing by and Watching this unfold. Shame on you for minimising, excusing and defending his behaviour. Shame on you for being so blindly gullible. HE is responsible for what he’s doing, no one else, and YOU are responsible for standing by and doing nothing to put a stop to it.

I think his main reason is that he has so little contact with his kids and has been emotionally destroyed by the bitterness of the ex and the lack of seeing his children that he does this as a means of perhaps still feeling part of their lives

BULLSHIT. He has little contact with these, almost adult children, because they don’t want to know him. Don’t presume to know why, don’t blame the ex when it’s your DP that has PROVEN he’s an unstable, controling creep. What exactly has he done to try and sort things out with them? Does he pay maintenance? Has he been to court? Has he written to them?

He is terrified to tell his exw and kids that he is in a relationship because he fears the repercussions. In fairness, his exw has been awful since he left - that's not him telling me that she has been, I've seen it for myself

SHE’S been awful?!!!! Are you actually serious? He is breaking the law, he’s stalking her and invading her privacy. She may well be angry, that’s not illegal, what he’s doing is. And you really think this behaviour only started once the relationship ended? Why is he even speaking with her at all? Do the kids not have their own phones?

You’re an expert at delusion.

Yes the kids are too old for a court order but it's unusual for children to cut contact with a parent without reason other than the split.

I have been with someone who has been in your Partners position. He desperately missed his kids. He desperately wanted a relationship with them. He didn't track his wife, deny he was in a relationship with me or read her emails though. Because that's crossing a dangerous line and you need to be clear, through your own actions, that this is unacceptable behaviour.

If his kids are older teenagers then I'm sorry but they have their own mind and the chances their mum has poisoned them is very very slim.

It's weird that he's tracking her, sounds like you might be the only serious one and he's still hung up on her. If there is any bitterness it sounds like it's him. Who does what he is doing?

I'm assuming as older teenagers he has means of contacting them without his ex wifes involvement, a mobile by any chance?

There's really no reason at all he should be contacting her or stalking her.

He's behaviour is unacceptable and by staying with him and not doing anything about it then it's kinda telling him that you're cool with it.

Tell her what he's doing. Tell her to change her passwords ECT it's not on at all.

Wouldn't you want to know?

You can see in front of you that what he's doing is incredibly wrong. Why do you think his kids don't want to see him? When he thinks tracking his ex on a night out is acceptable. And how has he made you believe that him stalking his ex is anything to do with remaining close to his children who are mostly independent anyway. The kids won't be with her on a night out.

You are deluded and this is all kinds of fucked up. You need to tell her what's going on and you need to leave him.

I don't think he was controlling with his ex.

I don’t even know where to begin with this statement.

He's totally hoodwinked you OP.

i also think he tends to be very weak when it comes to anything he fears may threaten his fragile relationship with his kids further

I wonder how the kids will react when they find out he has been stalking their mother.