What's wrong with my husband?

[Immigrantsong]

My husband of 18 years has always had issues with his memory. But since we had our children, DD 5 and DS 8 months his memory issues have become a massive issue. Today for example he has forgotten for yet another time to leave the pushchair out for me so I can walk to school and pick up my eldest. I have serious health issues and the baby is a horrendous sleeper, so I sleep in with him in the morning, whilst he gets our eldest ready for school. We had friends from school help out before, but today I said he needs to go and pick her up himself. I walk almost two hours to school and back as I have mobility issues and this walk acts as a conditioning treatment, but o also had to miss a very important health appointment because of the lack of pushchair. He keeps doing things like that and insists he will improve but nothing has happened. He has had blood tests and gone to therapy but nothing. As a non driver with health issues, I am really struggling to find the empathy for whatever he is going through. I am resentful and angry. Any advice?

Does he forgwt stuff related to himself too? Or is it just stuff relating to you & the dcs?

Anything to do with the house, me and the kids. He has a very senior role at work and he never forgets anything there. But at home and family time he is inept at the basics. He does do his fair share, but that's because I make him do it but I feel like I project manager him. Any ideas as to why he is like that?

Are you sure he actually has a memory problem? Sounds more like a 'stuff that doesn't revolve around me isn't important' problem.

There is an element of both: both memory issues and a bit of the fact that work is more exciting than home/family life. I just don't know what to do when it impacts on me and the kids. I made him come home to pick her up and feel guilty. Arghhhh!

Keep making him be the one to solve the problem his ineptitude causes. He does it because to him, these things aren't important, don't impact his life and don't cause him any problems. If he did this at work, it would be him who is directly affected but at home it's you and the kids so he doesn't need to worry - it's not his problem.

Make it his problem. Every time he forgets the pushchair, you do what you did today and call him to do the school run. Everytime he forgets a dinner related thing, don't cook his dinner. Carry on like that and he will start to remember because the alternative is a negative affect on his life.

I can't really comment on what could possibly be wrong with your husbands memory but I can offer practical advice.
I understand that your Dh gets your eldest ready for school and then drops her off on the way to work.
So obviously, you need the push hair every afternoon to pick her up.
Where is the push-chair kept that makes it difficult for you to get to it?
Could it be possible to store it somewhere more accessible for you?
Or, ask your husband to put an alarm/prompt on his phone for half an hour before he leaves "Get push hair out" and also a large note on the back of the front door "Pushchair!!!!!"
You could also ask your daughter to remind him "Dad! push chair"
Perhaps that could help!

Thank you all for the advice. He keeps the pushchair at the boot of his car, so when we went to work today, he took it with him. He does already have alarms on his ohone, but he obviously ignored or didn't see them. Yes, I can suggest he writes a note and leaves it stuck where the pushchair is normally left but to be honest it makes me lose any respect for him, when I have to come up with ways to manage his incompetence. I feel that he should be more proactive in dealing with his shortcomings. I am on maternity leave, up most night, surviving on 2-3 hours of sleep and managing my health conditions whilst looking after the baby and walking nearly two hours a day to school and back. He doesn't seem to understand that for me this is an enormous undertaking, but I do it for the family's benefit. I just want him to be proactive and as decisive as he is at work. Feel very short changed.

You could also ask your daughter to remind him "Dad! push chair". Yes, teach your 5 yo DD that men are so incompetent that they need women and young children to do their thinking for them!

Have you been this direct with him?
Don't pussyfoot around it. Just tell him straight out and use the words you've used here... feeling like you need to manage him, feeling it's him choosing to be incompetent. Be blunt. You should not have to deal with it and he needs to realise that it is not just a little extra thing for you.

Yes I am always direct and to the point. I never mince my words and try to be crystal clear. The problem is that he gets it on the day he cocks up, but come next week he can easily repeat it again. He just doesn't seem able to multitask all the facets of his life and remember the minutiae of little tasks and jobs like leaving the pushchair out. I have mentioned that this has even made me think less of him as it makes me resentful and he comes across incompetent. He just apologises and promises to be better, but ultimately he is completely unreliable and I feel like the only adult in the house. If you leave something up to him it ends up in disaster, but if you tell him to do something he always does it. I just don't want to tell him anymore. I don't want one more thing to manage. I want a fellow parent and adult. Why is he so passive? He does this with everything. He hasn't planned anything in 18 years or taken any decision. He happily follows and does everything I say though. What is this all about?

With regard to the pushchair, I can quite see how in the busyness of the morning, taking the chair out of the car could be forgotten. Could he do it at night instead? I would make a mistake like this easily, indeed I do forget things unless lots of notes/written down/someone reminds me. I manage work just about but often drop the ball at home.

As for why is he passive, that's obviously how he was before you had children, I don't think it's likely he's going to change, so the issue is how can you get him to take a bit more responsibility but also accept how he is- I had a friend who moaned about her passive husband til I pointed out how great it was she could get him to do anything or agree to anything, which he did. She decided to just fix on what she wanted and ask him to do that. Infuriating, but he's always been like this and you married and had kids with him!

Get another pushchair, one for him to use in the morning and kept in the car, and another at home for you to use.
I've got a pushchair that I use for my dgd, the other nanny's got one and ddil has her own one - works a treat!

He has a very senior role at work and he never forgets anything there.
Ironic isn't it?

How do you know he doesn't forget anything there? Perhaps he's not doing quite as well as you imagine? Especially if there are sleepless nights. I get that the pushchair is symptomatic of everything else, but unless you think he deliberately think he drove off with it in the boot, then it's quite likely it slipped his mind. I have a relatively senior role and just about manage to pull it together for most of work, but I do miss things/slip up from time to time as well.

It's a bit foolish to keep the pushchair in the car and remember to take it out every morning- definitely get a better system for that, if nothing else.

Just to clarify the pushchair only stays in the car during weekends. Monday to Friday it's in the house. He has now forgotten it in the car for the last 3 consecutive Mondays. I used to remind him, but got fed up. Will have to obviously revert back to that if Thais is what happens when I don't manage him. I know he does well at work, because of promotions and bonuses. I manage all his money too as he can't budget.

Make him put a reminder on his phone!

I’m pretty sure if you rolled up at his work looking annoyed and with screaming toddler in tow demanding he bring the pushchair home that would be the last time he did that.
At work he is a BIG ImPORTANT PERSON always on the ball with no memory problems - the risk of denting his self image means he forgets nothing.
You on the other hand will stick by him if he pulls his weight or not.

Definitely buy another pushchair.
You will drive yourself crazy exhausting yourself around trying to work out why this guy chooses to have selective memory loss!

Would it be better for him to set the reminder for the Sunday night, so the pushchair is brought into the house on Sunday?

I’m not sure what to suggest about all the other stuff he forgets, it would drive me mad too.

Sounds exactly like my ExH who has Asbergers. Not giving online diagnosis, just many comparisons.
Fine being told what needs doing but taking no actions/decisions independently. Shocking memory and time keeping outside of work environment. Only difference to your situation is he never progressed in work. 😑

Can't you get it out on a Sunday eve? Or ask him to? Or do you forget about it yourself on Sunday eve? Easily done.

I have thought about Asperger's too, but don't know how to go about finding for sure. Yes of course I could take it out of the boot myself, but if I start taking over all of the jobs like that I will get back to feeling like I am doing absolutely everything.

Someone helpfully posted these links on another thread the other day.... sound applicable to you. Maybe ask him to read them?

www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Sorry, will try second link again:

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Even if he has got Asperger's that won't change anything. He'll still be selectively forgetful.