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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What's wrong with my husband?

82 replies

Immigrantsong · 25/06/2018 14:13

My husband of 18 years has always had issues with his memory. But since we had our children, DD 5 and DS 8 months his memory issues have become a massive issue. Today for example he has forgotten for yet another time to leave the pushchair out for me so I can walk to school and pick up my eldest. I have serious health issues and the baby is a horrendous sleeper, so I sleep in with him in the morning, whilst he gets our eldest ready for school. We had friends from school help out before, but today I said he needs to go and pick her up himself. I walk almost two hours to school and back as I have mobility issues and this walk acts as a conditioning treatment, but o also had to miss a very important health appointment because of the lack of pushchair. He keeps doing things like that and insists he will improve but nothing has happened. He has had blood tests and gone to therapy but nothing. As a non driver with health issues, I am really struggling to find the empathy for whatever he is going through. I am resentful and angry. Any advice?

OP posts:
halfwitpicker · 25/06/2018 17:58

This is turning out like the 'full assistance' thread a few weeks ago...

ThePeasantsAreAtTheGates · 25/06/2018 18:26

Get a white board to write anything on he needs to remember and pin it to the front door.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 25/06/2018 18:39

My ex h used to take the pushchair to work in the car boot. Looking back it was one of the first signs of domestic abuse, soon followed by hiding my house keys so I'd be forced to ring him and interrupt his Very Important Job for trivialities. Several times a week.

If he can do this at work op he needs to buck his ideas up about remembering a pretty major thing at home. No excuses.

SuperSharpShooter · 25/06/2018 18:55

OP there are many online 'check lists'
NHS assessment nigh on impossible for adults. Especially those with good jobs and a family... these are seen as successful and coping.
You can get assememt done privately. But I'm will @Singlenotsingle... nothing will change. This hit home hard for me when ex asked me where the number for the midwive was... when I woke up in hard and fast Labour :(

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/06/2018 19:14

What do you get out of this relationship now with this person?.

I doubt very much that he is anywhere on the ASD spectrum to be honest with you. He will not change, you can and should change how you react to him.

He is more than capable at work at not forgetting important tasks and behaves like this deliberately to undermine you.

He does this because he can. He feels entitled to act like this (his dad probably acts the same) and is being deliberately incompetent so that you no longer ask him to do those tasks. He feels those to do with the kids are beneath him and sees all that load as your sole role.

AngelsSins · 25/06/2018 19:20

I’d telling this is killing any respect you have for him and you’re becoming resentful as it appears like he just doesn’t care about you or your children.

Or as my Nan used

AngelsSins · 25/06/2018 19:21

Oops posted too soon!

My Nan used to say “I can be your mother, or your lover, but I can’t be both”

Eryngium · 25/06/2018 19:35

You say you have to manage his money because he can't budget. How did that manifest? What happened when you didn't?

I was expecting you to say he'd taken the pushchair to work with him, stopping you from going out. As has been mentioned, that is a fairly classic abuse tactic. On its own, I wouldn't have mentioned it, but combined with the rest of his behaviour, it is a concern.

He does not have memory problems. He's just mistreating you.

Bananamanfan · 25/06/2018 19:41

Definitely buy another pushchair, one in the car and one in the house. We had the same thing with car seats, I bought a second set of car seats. Life is too hard to be transferring car seats and pushchairs constantly, on top of getting to school and work and remembering everything needed there.

Original poster
Immigrantsong · 25/06/2018 19:45

He definitely isn't abusive. Just a completely passive man that needs constant managing. I had to take control of his finances as he would get overdrawn and that's also because he doesn't know how to manage money. The only thing he is good at is work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Immigrantsong · 25/06/2018 19:46

He is a very timid and placid person and doesn't seem to ever have an opinion or passion about anything. Only work. He is good with the kids and goes through the motions but no zeal for anything.

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 25/06/2018 19:49

It doesn’t sound like money’s a big problem for you so just buy another pushchair!

I agree the other stuff is a PITA, but I don’t think it’s a gender thing. Because I wfh I’ve found that my previously organised partner, who’d coped fine as a single mum, now can’t seem to find her bum with both hands and “needs” to be reminded about almost anything related to the household. It drives me nuts.

Insurances, car tax, appointments, stuff for her DD at and for school etc. Because she doesn’t have to think about it, she simply doesn’t bother to. Believe me, it’s not a situation I’ve engineered or encourage but I can’t find a way to change it.

0hCrepe · 25/06/2018 19:57

If he is in an important role at work he prob doesn’t have to remember admin type jobs as he’ll have someone doing that stuff for him. It’s probably very obvious to him what he needs to do at any one time and he just does that. Just say get the push chair now whenever you remember. Or buy another one second hand!

RabbitsAreTasty · 25/06/2018 20:00

Just make sure he suffers as a result of his daftness. So, he brings you the pushchair. He takes time off work to drive you to the new appointment, etc.

Butterymuffin · 25/06/2018 20:17

Agree about buying another pushchair. If budget is tight it can come out of his spending money.

Porpoises · 25/06/2018 20:55

Have you looked into adhd, or relatedly, executive function disorder. Google adult adhd and see if it rings any bells.

You can be forgetful and disorganised and still succeed at work - it depends very much on what your role is. Sometimes it's more important to have creativity, technical knowledge or people skills. So he may be forgetful at work too.

RabbitsAreTasty · 25/06/2018 21:49

Have you looked into adhd, or relatedly, executive function disorder. Google adult adhd and see if it rings any bells.

Has he looked into adhd, or relatedly, executive function disorder. He could Google adult adhd and see if it rings any bells. If he is at all bothered by this

RabbitsAreTasty · 25/06/2018 21:53

That came across snarky. What I meant was, if he's worried about his thoughtlessness with you then he will eagerly seek out ways to make it stop. You don't have to.

If he's not interested in seeking out ways to make it stop then nothing you could google would make any difference anyway. You should not look for ways to fix him. He has to do it.

If he doesn't look for ways to make it stop that shows the real problem is him actually not giving a shit, which has an entirely different means of "fixing".

StaplesCorner · 25/06/2018 22:13

Buy more things so if he forgets then there is spare. I literally cannot believe people are suggesting this. So rather than give the twat an ultimatum that he must get his life in order, the OP is simply to arrange everything so as to mitigate his twatishness? Wow.

StaplesCorner · 25/06/2018 22:14

OP you don't need a second pram, you need a different DH.

Original poster
Immigrantsong · 25/06/2018 22:18

He will not proactively look into resolving anything or understanding his behaviour. But if I show him a link he will read it. He basically does as told but will not initiate anything. This is who he is and it does drive me mad. I don't want to keep enabling him.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 25/06/2018 22:30

I can't help noticing that you 'project manage him'
My money would be on him being resentful of his lot in life and being passive aggressive. Even if he isn't consciously doing his best to get at you, make you feel a burden or to undermine you, his actions suggest he is struggling to accept that he has to do quite a lot at home. I'm not suggesting you are some nagging harpy, but there is a possibility that because of your illness that he feels pressured, or he just feels that as a man with a certain level of responsibility at work that his home life is not quite as exciting, or easy as he feels entitled to.

Original poster
Immigrantsong · 25/06/2018 22:35

There is an element of him being passive aggressive as there is also an element of me nagging him. I think we both have assumed the roles that fall natural to us and we need to snap out of it. Hence why I am trying to leave him be responsible for things rather than remind him as I always used to. It's difficult for both of us, but I want to hope we both want to improve our bad learned behaviour. I just don't know how to manage things until real change happens and how to help him.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 25/06/2018 23:01

My ex was like this, it never improved. I'm not certain what you can do. I ended up making out rotas on excel! And lists, and then eventually I gave up.

Spaghettijumper · 25/06/2018 23:08

Why do you have to manage things and help him when he does literally nothing to make the situation better?