What's wrong with my husband?

[Immigrantsong]

My husband of 18 years has always had issues with his memory. But since we had our children, DD 5 and DS 8 months his memory issues have become a massive issue. Today for example he has forgotten for yet another time to leave the pushchair out for me so I can walk to school and pick up my eldest. I have serious health issues and the baby is a horrendous sleeper, so I sleep in with him in the morning, whilst he gets our eldest ready for school. We had friends from school help out before, but today I said he needs to go and pick her up himself. I walk almost two hours to school and back as I have mobility issues and this walk acts as a conditioning treatment, but o also had to miss a very important health appointment because of the lack of pushchair. He keeps doing things like that and insists he will improve but nothing has happened. He has had blood tests and gone to therapy but nothing. As a non driver with health issues, I am really struggling to find the empathy for whatever he is going through. I am resentful and angry. Any advice?

Beware managing the passive aggressive man, particularly if he is ASD. My XH wouldn't quite often have got out of the house to get to work if I hadn't constantly given him countdowns, and basically shoved him off Facebook and into the car. He was late for everything, never made a decision about anything, waited for me to decide things and then went along with it.

And then left me because I 'kept telling him what to do.' Yes, because I had five kids that needed to get to school, a job to go to, bills to pay and the house needed to be organised. He did nothing towards any of it unless practically forced. Which he saw as 'nagging.'

This is an interesting book. Tho I haven't read it I very much rate the author on other subjects.

When I read your first post, I wondered if he didn’t like being told what to do (‘I said he needs to...’). In a later post, you said you don’t mince your words.

Is it possible, he is doing it deliberately because he doesn’t like being told what to do or your tone of voice?

Can you start to ... I hesitate to say this because I know someone will misinterpret it..... make it ‘worth his while’ to do these things? For example, take a taxi, buy a second push chair, spend money to solve the problems you face caused by his failure to act?

Words obviously don’t work, perhaps money may?

Who project manages his every move at work? I'm astonished he is capable of holding down a senior job if he is unwilling to look up how to stop being "forgetful". Imagine how many things he must have fucked up at work?!

Or has he not?

Food for thought that. It isn't a condition that makes him be shit and not care. If it were it would manifest at work. As it is you know he couldn't even be arsed to google why am I shit at home but not at work. You are not important to him.

...or he just feels that as a man with a certain level of responsibility at work that his home life is not quite as exciting, or easy as he feels entitled to.

Mini this is interesting; why do you say that? Have you actually witnessed or experienced a man being like that - feeling "entitled" to a more exciting or easy home life? Was your ex like that?

I'm just asking myself do women feel "entitled" to an easier more exciting life too?

He has a very senior role at work and he never forgets anything there.

Yeah, there will be a whole exhausted team of secretaries and other underlings reminding him to wipe his a@@!

My Dh is very similar, but the way it has worked for us is that he is responsible for certain things. For example he does all the cooking; he does enjoy it but he knows that if he wants to eat he has to.cook and the children will need feeding.

He is really good and reliable with that now. Other stuff not so much, I do feel like he will only do things if they are built into a routine and we have had many arguments about "mental load".. Still.. Hope this is useful to you.

How about a post it note on the front door. Some people are forgetful and he seems to operate on autopilot.

There's bigger issues to get stressed over... try and find a solution without blowing it out of proportion.

StaplesCorner, I haven't had a relationship with a man who had this attitude.

If over the course of a long relationship a man is promoted, is the sole breadwinner now providing a higher quality of life, he may well expect his home life to reflect this. So, whereas before he was your equal now he thinks of himself in his elevated position as being entitled to adoration, for you to care for him, make his home life "good value for money"

I used to work behind a bar when I was a student. I heard men talking to other men. I got men pouring out their troubles, or chatting me up. This theme was common. Men felt unappreciated, and being wired up the way they are it seems that showing appreciation is as easy as: putting make up on before he returns, tidying house, ensuring there is calm, sending kids to bed or ensuring they are quiey, cooking a meal and then giving him your full undivided attention and support. Listen to his tales of woes, be ready to congratulate his littles victories. Stroke his ego and be prepared to fawn all over him and tell him how much you appreciate him.

I'm not suggesting any woman should.

But this was what I heard talking to men. They feel entitled.

To add another perspective, which may or may not be relevant, my DH has got senior now and finds his job pressurised and difficult. He gets home & has very little mental energy left, so he forgets stuff. I really don’t think he is pretending. He works very long hours now, out of the house 5:30/6am until 8/9pm and is the main breadwinner which is also added pressure. He is doing well, good bonuses, etc. I used to earn more than him pre kids but have moved to part time so that I can manage the house too. As the kids are now both at secondary school nowadays this means ferrying them about to sport & music a lot (cricket matches, athletics meets, music workshops and exams this week). So I am on the go 6-9 most days too. We do both get resentful of each other from time to time, but recognise that we are both trying. DH forgets birthdays and anything to do with the wider family, mine and his, children’s evening activities (serial offender), and is so shattered that I tend to be the entertainer at weekends too. It isn’t easy but so far we’ve made it. Anyway, no idea if any of this rings true. But being senior at work can mean little energy being left for home.

Thank you all for your advice and time. I suggested he writes a note and leaves it where we keep the pushchair, so if it isn't there it will prompt him to go get it. He agreed but as to when he does that, I guess I will have to remind him again. He has no PAs or secretary at work and does everything alone. So he copes in t work front well. I just think he just isn't used to multitask suck tasks. Paying for a taxi, pushchair.. . wouldn't phase him. He really would never bedrudge me spending money even if we were overdrawn. That's why I had to take over finances. He doesn't even notice when direct debits go up and query this with the supplier of services, so I had to take control. He literally is the most horizontal person ever. We have talked numerous times about treating things at home like work and make action plans and come up with a timeline. He just doesn't do this.

He does start doing things, like help with the kids and plate up tea as soon as he comes home so I know he isn't lazy at all. In fact, he absolutely loves the kids and is a very loving dad just a tad clueless. I don't want to take away from his good attributes as he does his fair share. He just doesn't do any of the mental load. He never thinks about stuff that needs to be done and never notices them. For example he will come to me and ask me to tell him what needs to be done so he can do it. It's like he is oblivious and doesn't notice the dirt or mess or food to be cooked. I try to only leave certain tasks for him to do as anything out of a routine or new really throws him off.

He very occasionally has blamed me for being too direct as he found that hurtful. But he is the type of guy that does not get indirect things or he thinks he still has time to waste until I blow my lid. I had to get hospitalised and really unwell and in tears for him to understand the severity of things. He gets to sleep all night as he is even worse without sleep and when I tell him I do all I do with 2-3 hours of sleep he is always sympathetic but I don't think he actually gets it. I feel that the problem is how he processes things and he seems to struggle a lot with that.

Mini thanks for your reply. For some reason its really resonated with me; I know things like this are said on MN all the time but its as if you have confirmed it ...

But back to OP. Blimey. I don't know where to start - so he asks you to tell him when things need to be done (which backs up the bit about him simply not realising) but then blames you for being too direct as its hurtful. Then conveniently fails to understand that you are ill.

You began by asking is there something wrong, do you suspect he's on the spectrum? Does he? Because I used to think there was something wrong with my DH but really he's just an entitled arse, just as Mini describes so well.

Yes, I definitely think he is on the spectrum. Or maybe I am clutching at straws and want him diagnosed so I can finally have something to justify his behaviour and way of acting. I don't know anymore. I just want to figure him out and help.

I just want to figure him out and help.

He does not want either your help or support. You should not waste your precious energies trying to figure him out because its a waste of your time and effort. This is who he is and he acts like this because he can.

I would think he is not on the ASD spectrum at all actually and are clutching at straws because you want to find a reason, any reason,
as to why he behaves towards you as he does. He won't actually be diagnosed.

Plating up the tea for his children is really the barest of bare minimums, what else does he do re his children?. How is he doing his fair share here when you are carrying the mental load?. It does not compute. It seems to me you are all on the periphery of his life, you people really are not that important to him and he also has you to do all the donkey work for him.

Or maybe I am clutching at straws and want him diagnosed so I can finally have something to justify his behaviour and way of acting - lots of us do this OP

So today's events. I had asked him yesterday to put a chicken pack in the freezer as I had a whole marinated chicken on a container I was going to cook for today. Of course he didn't and I had to do so today. I know it's not a big think, but he just doesn't engage with these things at all. If I don't deal with food, it can go off as he happily leaves it to rot away and doesn't care about wastage. He actually doesn't care for anything other than work. I feel so angry I could throttle him and want him gone.

You sound at the end of your tether, the lack of sleep mustn’t be helping at all. I don’t know how you’re coping on so few hours of sleep and it can’t continue. I’d tell your H that he HAS to step up or you’d rather he moved out as it would all be less work for you as he’d have to have them at weekends and after school.

The fact you missed am important medical appt yesterday is awful, as is the way you described him not acknowledging how ill you are. Please sit him down tonight and speak to him. Be calm (or try to be!) and so he realised how serious you are.

He messed up helping with food, so tonight he gets no dinner.

Treat him like a child if he wants to behave like one.

He has a very senior role at work and he never forgets anything there.

That'd do your answer right there. He's prioritising. Its not impossible but it would pretty unusual for someone to have a memory problem that does not happen at work but happens at home.

I think a lot of you are being pretty harsh. It would be the sort of thing I would regularly forget - not because I don't think it's important but because, like many of us, I have a huge amount on my plate and am worrying about work, kids etc. He could be passive aggressive etc., but he could just be a bit swamped. And it's often easier to have methods for remembering things at work (detailed diaries / to do lists etc. that are right in front of you) and you can focus on it completely while you're there. It sounds like he does pull his weight at home. I think you need some sort of practical solution - second pushchair etc. to make both your lives easier.

What is his family /DF like?
If they are all slow and non-motivated that is what he has grown up with.
I'm don't understand why you say he is a good father, does he do stuff with the DCs?
If it is memory any tasks should be daily so there is less chance of him forgetting. Why can't he always do bath then bed and bed time story. That gives you some peace. Then he does breakfast every day 7 days a week whilst you shower? Is this beyond him?

I don’t think it is just about the pushchair dip.
He isn’t sympathetic to her illness or lack of sleep. I do get what you’re saying though, my Dh can be “forgetful” at home whilst managing to run a sussessful business, but as I didn’t work and had full health it wasn’t something which would mean the end of our marriage. If I was ill etc he would drop everything. The OP’s H seems to be ignoring the fact she’s getting only a few hours sleep and has mobility issues. He needs to step up and help her with these issues.

Ok I think your DH doesn’t have a memory problem but a ‘can’t be arsed with things at Home taking up Headspace problem’ mine is exactly the same.

I haven’t read the whole thread but if this was me I would be getting a spare push chair (one for the car and one for home) to make my life easier or between you get into the habit of taking the existing push chair out of the boot each time you use it (so it’s always in the house unless you are out using it).
Two hours seems a long walk/journey to school OP was their not a closer School or have you deliberately chosen to make life harder by not having your DC in a school within catchment/walking distance?
I was 38 when I had my first DC and 39 when I had my second I also had health issues to contend with but as I was on mat leave then worked PT I battled on. I always did all the night time feeds etc. DH was out of the house 6am to 6.30pm and we were both exhausted by 7pm when the DC went to bed (we just existed really). DH never did any dressing bathing feeding etc in the week as he wasn’t there and it was bloody hard especially on very little sleep and I still did the lions shared on a weekend too.
I am thinking maybe the extra your DH is picking up alongside working FT is making him more tired fed up and or resentful.
The early years are not easy for anyone but if he’s holding down a FT job he maybe feeling the pressure and multi tasking doesn’t keep easy to most men.
Whereas as women it’s part and parcel of daily life.
Take care OP