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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have done something terrible and don't know what to do

86 replies

Wtfhaveidonehelp · 22/06/2018 14:12

Have nc'd for this.

I'll start by saying i have been happily married for 10 years and would never have dreamed I'd be writing this.

I went on a girly weekend had a few drinks on Sat night. I think I was spiked as I was out of control and don't remember large parts of the evening.

Anyway, I ended up with a man. I don't know who, how or why but I did. I don't remember speaking to him but somehow we ended up outside together. I don't remember kissing him but I feel I must have. I don't believe we had sex but there was touching with hands on both parts.

By my friends account I seem to have gone off with him willingly and it just makes me sick to my stomach as I know if I was in my right mind there is no way in hell I would do that.

Now I'm petrified that I have caught something and have passed on to my husband and I will have to tell him. This will absolutely ruin our lives and I do not know what to do. I have been to the clinic and got some antibiotics but i have had sex with my husband since it happened. We use condoms.

I just don't know what to do. I can't eat or sleep and feel absolutely disgusted with myself.

Please can anyone offer any advice?

Thanks

OP posts:
Mammysin · 22/06/2018 14:16

How awful for you. Please tell your dh- he knows you and what you're like. Fwiw, my dh had his drink spiked at a stag do ( no sex or anything but he was able to get safely back to the hotel luckily).

AdaArdor · 22/06/2018 14:21

I think the best thing is to tell your DH. You are clearly a mess, he will know your true nature and it is better to just be honest so he can decide what he wants to do rather than leave him in the dark and feel guilty for the rest of your life; that will ruin your marriage!

When you say you had a few drinks, have your friends been able to corroborate anything/the amount you drank? If you don't remember so much off 'just a few drinks' it certainly sounds like something could have happened to your drink.

Also, who are these friends?? How did they let youwander off with a guy?! I know personal responsibility and all that, but can't help thinking if my committed friend walked away on her own with a guy id be following her and making sure she was ok.

I hope you find some peace soon! Think you need to just get it over with (and be prepared for the anger to be why you didn't tell him sooner/had sex with him without mentioning all this before).

Original poster
Wtfhaveidonehelp · 22/06/2018 14:23

Thank you for responding. I just don't think i can. He will think I cheated, which essentially I did. I just feel like crying every time I think about it.

OP posts:
SleepIsForTheWeek · 22/06/2018 14:24

That's awful for you. I have had a drink spiked and it rings true what you are describing. And yes, I seemed perfectly willing too.
You haven't done something terrible, whoever spiked your drink did.

BastardGoDarkly · 22/06/2018 14:29

You don't have to tell him.

In your heart, I think you know, he wouldn't want to know, because your family would be blown apart, essentially for nothing. Honesty is not always the best policy.

Chances are, you didn't have sex. You've used condoms with your husband, so he's safe, go to a clinic, have them run tests on you, it will be awful, but do it.

Then swear to take every step possible to ensure this never happens again.

Put it in a box in your mind, and try to never think of it, it's possible.

You made a mistake, while smashed, you love your husband, you don't have to confess all and ruin your life.

Porridgeprincess · 22/06/2018 14:30

Ah you poor thing. So it sounds like you obviously were twisted and no friend interrupted and stopped you leaving with him? Yes of course it is not their responsibility to mind you, but sorry, if someone is that drunk and putting themselves in a bad situation then a friend WOULD AND SHOULD intervene.

I would talk to the friend who knows this has happened and find out the exact details. Then sadly, I think you need to tell your husband as when other people know this has happened , it could get back to him and this would probably be the absolute worse way of him hearing this

I am so sorry , this is a very sad situation

dirtybadger · 22/06/2018 14:32

If your DH is normally kind and supportive, then tell him. Your drink was spiked, and you arent sure what happened, but you were potentially raped (thats what it would be if you had been spiked). I was spiked a few months before getting together with Dp several years ago. I only accepted what had happened a little while later, and have found it very difficult to tell him. A lot of time has passed now and its become awkward.

IMO you are better off telling him now. It may take a while to sink in what has happened, and then your DP is likely to notice a change in your mood, etc. You need his support.

Sorry this happened to you.

AmazingPostVoices · 22/06/2018 14:33

You went to a clinic and got antibiotics? What does this mean?

Antibiotics for what? Did they test for STDs?

If you believe your drink was spiked have you considered reporting it?

Why did your friends let you go off, apparently drunk, with another man?

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 22/06/2018 14:34

What Bastard said...100 times over. You've taken precautions. ..your DH uses a condom. And I totally agree.... you can't change what happened, but you can change your future by telling your DH

dirtybadger · 22/06/2018 14:34

My comment is based upon your drink being spiked. Theres not enough information to know if this is the case but you know yourself how you normally resond to the amount of alcohol you drank.

Growingboys · 22/06/2018 14:35

I wouldn't tell him. So upsetting for him.

Poor you. How awful. This is one of the reasons I get a bit militant about how much I drink - so much can go wrong when you're vv drunk.

I am sure you will work through it x

swimmerlab · 22/06/2018 14:36

Did you drink much more than is usual for you?

When you say you got antibiotics, did you test positive for something or are you taking them as a precaution?

If you have caught something then I agree you need to tell your husband.

Is there any danger of him finding out from one of your friends or their spouses?

I'm surprised your friends didn't try to stop you, they must have realised you were acting out of character.

hmcAsWas · 22/06/2018 14:38

Not too impressed with your 'friends'

Robin233 · 22/06/2018 14:38

In your heart, I think you know, he wouldn't want to know, because your family would be blown apart, essentially for nothing. Honesty is not always the best policy.

THIS (can't get the bold to work)
Do not burden your dh with this.
It won't help
Sorry this happened to you x

Myotherusernameisbest · 22/06/2018 14:45

Sorry to hear this happened to you. by your account it does sounds like your drink was spiked. Where on earth were your friends?

I had my drink spiked a long time ago and luckily the friend I was with got me to safety as she realised what had happened. My girls are almost of an age where they will be going out drinking and this kind of thing terrifies me.

I think the only reason you need to tell your dh is if you need help emotionally to deal with this. He may at first be hurt and angry but if he loves you he will be able to support you and help you get your head around it all.

And get yourself some better friends.

Pineappler · 22/06/2018 14:46

I think you need to tell your dh. He will find out eventually - you'll admit cheating or he will hear through the grapevine or you'll mention when tipsy or sleeptalking.

Best that you are able to plan what you say and be honest, good luck Flowers

Original poster
Wtfhaveidonehelp · 22/06/2018 14:53

Thank you all for your kind words. The clinic said I could t be tested for 2 weeks but I could have the antibiotics as a precaution and I felt that this would be the best thing.

It was a mixed group of people I know well and friends of friends type of thing. The person in question is someone I don't know very well so I don't feel that an responsibility should be hers. She laughed about it the next day in a 'god you were hammered' way and i laughed it off.

I usually only drink maybe 6 times a year. I have never ever not remembered anything from the previous night. That is what is so scary. I keep replaying it over to find some clues but there is nothing.

OP posts:
Ididnthearanything · 22/06/2018 14:55

I'm all for honesty but I wouldn't tell DH. What would be the benefit apart from easing your conscience? None. I agree with a pp, chances are not much happened. It is terrible but I would live with the horrible-ness of it rather than ruin my home life.

Not saying I'm right. But it is what I would do. I think.

BTW I'm appalled at your friends. They left you, drunk and vulnerable, with a stranger. Appalling.

Smallhorse · 22/06/2018 14:58

Do not tell your husband

knockknockknock · 22/06/2018 14:59

If other people know there's a very high chance it will get back to your DH anyway. If you've not told him you'll look guilty.

Original poster
Wtfhaveidonehelp · 22/06/2018 15:03

The person in question has never met my husband and lives some 200 miles away so I don't think it would get back. I. Just not a secret keeper and I'm a horrible liar. Right now I feel that this will torture me forever but that seems like the best option rather than telling him and breaking his heart.

OP posts:
Ariela · 22/06/2018 15:10

Maybe get some counselling. It's NOT your fault your drink was spiked.

AdaArdor · 22/06/2018 15:12

I guess it depends on what you and your DH have discussed in the past. Me and my partner have both always said honesty is the best policy; we would always want to know if anything had happened because we would want all the information to be able to make a decision about the future of our relationship. I know some people are the other way and say what I don't know can't hurt me. Both are equally valid. Where does your DH stand? I think you have to respect that view personally, even if it means breaking his heart.

This has also made me think of it this way: if my partner came to me and described the situation, of course I'd be angry and hurt, but I'd like to think (if he could demonstrate remorse) that we could work through it. It's not a deal-breaker. Of course you never know how you would react, but that's just my gut instinct.

The problem is, when he notices something is wrong (which he will) soon you will be in a position of lying to him demonstrably. Eg if he says to you "you've been weird since your weekend away, did something happen?".... Then you have to lie, or you tell him and it looks like he just tortured it out of you... But again, it all depends on his stance on this scenario and what you know about his preference.

Clutterbugsmum · 22/06/2018 15:12

Once again the great mn double standard is up and running.

Of course you have to tell you husband. He’s the one who gets to decide whether he continues your marriage not you.

If you listen to the advice about not telling him then not only are you a cheater but also more importantly a liar which to me is do much worse then what you have done.

AdaArdor · 22/06/2018 15:13

PS take it from me, there are no clues to be found. You know what you know. Memory doesn't work like that, the more you process it the more you will invent things and torture yourself. Go with what you currently know and base your actions on that.

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