Is this a form of rape or am I over-reacting?

[fwbgonewrong]

Hi all - I will start by saying I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and have also been raped before, which probably makes my boundaries very skewed in some ways. I have been quite promiscuous at times, with a need to sort of emulate Samantha from SATC's kind of sexual liberation so as to feel in control (I'm not nearly as prolific as her by the way!). I have always been up front about this. I'm saying this in order to give an accurate background and not drip feed.

I'm a single mum in my early 30's and have been seeing a 46 year old guy I met online since October. The intention was always to just become "friends with benefits" as he was fresh out of a divorce and I had too much on (kids/work/moving area/etc). So we've been happily meeting up every 2-3 weeks or so - just for sex and a fry-up in the morning! I liked him well enough for a chat, a shag and a cuddle but had no feelings of wanting to take it to relationship level and I think he felt the same. Nice and easy you would think?

Apologies as I'm about to get a bit graphic from here on...

He hadn't had sex for the last three years of his marriage and before that it hadn't been frequent or particularly great. I can see why he'd actually be the problem there; he is circumcised and can only get off in certain positions (which as a 6ft 4" guy built like a rugby player) meant that I would often be pinned to the bed underneath his weight, crushed against the mattress). His ex wife was even tinier than I am and I can see why she must have got sick of being suffocated to the point of not putting out!

The sex was okay if I was on top and he was pretty good at all the non-penetrative stuff but it was far from the best I've ever had. He however told me that I was the best he had ever had (which is hugely complimentary but I think an exaggeration after such a long dry spell)!

He liked me on top doing all the work and orgasmed that way a few times. But his favourite way to cum would be to literally pin me to the bed on my front and grind inside me from behind until he came. I'm guessing the extra friction felt nice for him because of his lack of foreskin but it wasn't great for me. He is also obsessed with my backside and would bargain for anal sex as much as possible.

I've never been a huge fan of anal but the first few times we took it slow, lots of lube and both enjoyed ourselves. We didn't do it every time we met up but he started increasingly wanting it. However, on about the fourth time, he cut me inside just as he was finishing. He didn't realise and I spent the next few weeks being a bit sore until we met again. I thought I was healed by that point so we tried again, with me pinned to the bed (and crushed). As soon as he started it was searingly painful and I yelled out "ow!" He seemed to get excited by this rather than stop and went at me faster. I couldn't move and was crying in pain (Although he might not have known this as my face was in the pillow). And then the pain got too much so I yelled "stop" just as he was about to finish. He didn't stop and thrust a few more times until he did finish. I was so glad it was over and stupidly didn't say anything at the time as I thought "he's such a nice guy, there's no way he did that deliberately"?!

We refrained from the backside stuff the next time we met, but the time after that the exact same thing happened. During that exact same sex session he managed to accidentally fracture my rib (likely caused by his weight on top of me). I didn't tell him it was him that did this but we haven't met up in the last 7 weeks whilst I've been "recovering". (I'm absolutely fine now and have been for a few weeks). We've stayed in touch over WhatsApp sending each other jokes and catching up. Plans to meet up in July, etc. But I've found since having a break away from him that I can't stop thinking about those two incidents and how they don't sit right with me. I'm also not missing the sex - I guess it never really was all that for me (even though he was having the time of his life)!

Other not so nice things? He took a photo of us engaging in anal sex (just private parts, no faces) and I later found out he'd shown it a friend. I'm not sure why I didn't kick off at this. Just laughed it off even though I wasn't happy.

Two days ago he sent me a joke meme about anal sex along with a comment about how he "can't wait to be inside my arse again" (lovely!). I looked at it and couldn't even dignify it with a reply so ignored it and talked about something else later that day. He then sent it again last night and said "what did you think of this" so he really wants a reaction to it! Except it's made me inexplicably feel really angry! And I've ignored it (and him) since then. I just don't know what to say to him? Maybe he doesn't realise and doesn't get it? It's not like I've been clear. But he had to know he was hurting me right? And prioritised his fetish and his need to get off...

This is probably my own fault. I don't handle these things very well. Really thought he was a gent. Didn't want to take it further than FWB but now I don't want to ever see him again. But should I say anything to him? I'm so not good at this.

Another one to add that circumcision was a handy excuse. My abusive boyfriend also used this line to get me to help him more than I wanted. My DH is also cicumcised but not abusive and he never has any problems.

Stopped reading at took a photo and showed a friend. The lead up was bad enough but that was it for me.

He is NOT a nice man. He knew full well and good that he was hurting you and he got off on it. Don't see him again.

I also think your text is good but would take out any references to anything being your fault. It wasn't. Be clear that his behaviour is unacceptable so that, if there is any part of him that is the nice, genuine person you thought he was, he'll learn to treat women with more respect and care.

OP I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I think it would be therapeutic for you to send that text; but your anger is justified and you should feel entitled to it, so don’t worry about his feelings when you write it.

As a side, I’m 5 foot and small in build and almost every guy I’ve slept with has been over 6 foot, 2 of them were 6’7, with bigger builds and circumcised None of them have ever pinned me down like that or hurt me. They’ve actually been very conscious not to crush me or hurt me. What he’s doing is not normal.

I think sending your message would give you closure which is always good imo/e.
Not sure I would expect to get a reply - or a non aggressive one anyway.
Which will only go to confirm he is a knob.
And a' cut' one at that...

Your OP actually made me feel genuinely queasy

I haven't read the full thread but even if nothing else, sharing intimate pics of you without consent is a horrific breach of trust that I could never come back from.

He is abusive and disgusting. Circumcision has noting to do with it. A lot of men in the world, including my DH are circumcised and do not roughly abuse their partners. This is not your fault. He is horrible.

I prefer Shiklar's message, only I'd add "that is actually rape" to the bit about him not stopping when asked.

What an absolutely revolting man. Please put as much effort into yourself and building up your self esteem as you've put into these awful relationships, nobody should be treated like that, and no friend treats you that way (and sex with him certainly wasn't a benefit for you!!).

I think Shikla's version is the one to send. Just do it and block him.

Sorry this has happened to you. I agree you should tell him if you can. Hopefully he will realise this was not ok before he gets with someone else.
I hope you find the FWB that gives you the tenderness you deserve 💐

Horrible for you. Your text sounds cathartic.

Too much porn for a big, clumsy man who is acting out his fantasies. I know people have always had anal sex, but the current obsession with it, and the belief of entitlement around it is worrying.

I had never considered the FWB term before. But the advice to be friends first really makes sense.

Your post will resonate with many people.Stay safe OP.

shakingmyhead1

Spot on!

OP, just because you were fwb, it doesn't mean that there should be no respect re sex.

Message him, and tell him what you've told us.

And the pinning down? He tells you he can only get off in that position because of being circumcised, but the truth is he gets off on that position..face down, arse up, causing you pain. And he didn't stop when you told him to.

So sorry to hear about this OP but pleased to see that the support you've been given here has validated your feelings and given you the strength to walk away with your head held high.

FWIW I also think skhilah's text is better.
And I think you should send it. For one thing he needs to know that he was waaaay out of line. More importantly I don't think you'll get closure until you've told him this.

Onward and upward!

Yep, your message is fine or a shorter version of it - but you've made it clear that he can't continue this in his next relationship. You might have helped the next gf out if he realises that he's gone too far.

I think you sound a little too meek and apologetic in your message. Abbreviate it down a bit. Take out the well wishes and change 'many consider this to be rape' to 'legally, this is rape '.

Just "This is rape". It is.

Run as fast as you can away from the person.

Gosh I think the crushing you in to the bed thing rings alarm bells for me, let alone the broken rib and torn rectum. It sounds to me like a power thing OP, and having such disregard for your comfort during sex is a massive red flag for me. You told him to stop and he continued. Consent was withdrawn and although I hate shouting rape, he should have stopped immediately regardless of how 'close' he was. I wouldn't be seeing him again OP.

Did you send the message? Xx

Run and block. Rape, no question. Abusive, fetish, quasi dominant shit as well