Is this a form of rape or am I over-reacting?

[fwbgonewrong]

Hi all - I will start by saying I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and have also been raped before, which probably makes my boundaries very skewed in some ways. I have been quite promiscuous at times, with a need to sort of emulate Samantha from SATC's kind of sexual liberation so as to feel in control (I'm not nearly as prolific as her by the way!). I have always been up front about this. I'm saying this in order to give an accurate background and not drip feed.

I'm a single mum in my early 30's and have been seeing a 46 year old guy I met online since October. The intention was always to just become "friends with benefits" as he was fresh out of a divorce and I had too much on (kids/work/moving area/etc). So we've been happily meeting up every 2-3 weeks or so - just for sex and a fry-up in the morning! I liked him well enough for a chat, a shag and a cuddle but had no feelings of wanting to take it to relationship level and I think he felt the same. Nice and easy you would think?

Apologies as I'm about to get a bit graphic from here on...

He hadn't had sex for the last three years of his marriage and before that it hadn't been frequent or particularly great. I can see why he'd actually be the problem there; he is circumcised and can only get off in certain positions (which as a 6ft 4" guy built like a rugby player) meant that I would often be pinned to the bed underneath his weight, crushed against the mattress). His ex wife was even tinier than I am and I can see why she must have got sick of being suffocated to the point of not putting out!

The sex was okay if I was on top and he was pretty good at all the non-penetrative stuff but it was far from the best I've ever had. He however told me that I was the best he had ever had (which is hugely complimentary but I think an exaggeration after such a long dry spell)!

He liked me on top doing all the work and orgasmed that way a few times. But his favourite way to cum would be to literally pin me to the bed on my front and grind inside me from behind until he came. I'm guessing the extra friction felt nice for him because of his lack of foreskin but it wasn't great for me. He is also obsessed with my backside and would bargain for anal sex as much as possible.

I've never been a huge fan of anal but the first few times we took it slow, lots of lube and both enjoyed ourselves. We didn't do it every time we met up but he started increasingly wanting it. However, on about the fourth time, he cut me inside just as he was finishing. He didn't realise and I spent the next few weeks being a bit sore until we met again. I thought I was healed by that point so we tried again, with me pinned to the bed (and crushed). As soon as he started it was searingly painful and I yelled out "ow!" He seemed to get excited by this rather than stop and went at me faster. I couldn't move and was crying in pain (Although he might not have known this as my face was in the pillow). And then the pain got too much so I yelled "stop" just as he was about to finish. He didn't stop and thrust a few more times until he did finish. I was so glad it was over and stupidly didn't say anything at the time as I thought "he's such a nice guy, there's no way he did that deliberately"?!

We refrained from the backside stuff the next time we met, but the time after that the exact same thing happened. During that exact same sex session he managed to accidentally fracture my rib (likely caused by his weight on top of me). I didn't tell him it was him that did this but we haven't met up in the last 7 weeks whilst I've been "recovering". (I'm absolutely fine now and have been for a few weeks). We've stayed in touch over WhatsApp sending each other jokes and catching up. Plans to meet up in July, etc. But I've found since having a break away from him that I can't stop thinking about those two incidents and how they don't sit right with me. I'm also not missing the sex - I guess it never really was all that for me (even though he was having the time of his life)!

Other not so nice things? He took a photo of us engaging in anal sex (just private parts, no faces) and I later found out he'd shown it a friend. I'm not sure why I didn't kick off at this. Just laughed it off even though I wasn't happy.

Two days ago he sent me a joke meme about anal sex along with a comment about how he "can't wait to be inside my arse again" (lovely!). I looked at it and couldn't even dignify it with a reply so ignored it and talked about something else later that day. He then sent it again last night and said "what did you think of this" so he really wants a reaction to it! Except it's made me inexplicably feel really angry! And I've ignored it (and him) since then. I just don't know what to say to him? Maybe he doesn't realise and doesn't get it? It's not like I've been clear. But he had to know he was hurting me right? And prioritised his fetish and his need to get off...

This is probably my own fault. I don't handle these things very well. Really thought he was a gent. Didn't want to take it further than FWB but now I don't want to ever see him again. But should I say anything to him? I'm so not good at this.

Sorry cross posted. I do really think you’d benefit from counselling, perhaps trauma based counselling. Please do look into the freedom programme also.

Good luck OP you sound lovely

He, however, does not. Taking photos of you having sex and showing his friend, what is he, 15. What a prick. Bin him right off.

I wouldn't give a reason. Short and sweet.

Hi xxx, this isn't really working for me at the moment - lots going on here - so hope all well with you and best of luck for the future.

Yes, its appeasing, but I think that can be the safest way.

go get some more therapy and i would suggest no more relationships until you can learn to love yourself and be happy alone, learn to enjoy your own company and find enjoyment in everything you do and weirdly that happiness becomes confidence and it shows to others, if you look around, just people watch, you will notice naturally happy people attract others... so set some goals of learning to love yourself an learning to be happy with being alone and get confident that you are ok and will be ok and that you are worth far more than any man who cant treat you like you truly deserve!

On the one hand it would be good if he were warned for his benefit and for the next woman, on the other hand you owe him nothing and it's really up to you if you even want to go there. Your main priority is to protect yourself.

I am so sorry. There is nothing good about the way things have turned out and he has behaved very badly. 'He is also obsessed with my backside and would bargain for anal sex as much as possible.

This should have alerted you to the possible problems, his bargain for sex is a really bad sign. I think you need to cut all contact with him.

'Do you really think there's no chance he'd have known he was hurting me? He seemed to think a great time was had by all (self awareness not his strong point)! And crucially I didn't say anything at the time.'

It is possible, but it does show someone totally wrapped up in their own desires and utterly unaware of you.

Dump him, 'as it'll be done over text - classy' - there is no problem with texting him and please do not feel you need to meet him to break up, you do not.

'I'm just thinking do I tell him the truth just in case there's a chance he meant no harm and is more careful with other women in the future? Or is that pointless.

I think you need to get away from him, whatever way suits you but do not see him again.

'... he's got me feeling like a being a wank sock is all I'm good for so I think I'll lay off sex until I'm ready for a relationship again.'

Please do not think anything negative about yourself. However, I do think you would benefit from some assertiveness training and some thinking about how you feel and what you want.

I have not managed to read all the comments yet but this one stood out to me...

@Juells
'Your self-esteem is very low, you should be nice to yourself and do some reading up on how to get over the trauma in your earlier life. You deserve to have somebody who loves you and treats you well.'

the pain got too much so I yelled "stop" just as he was about to finish. He didn't stop

Your answer is here. You wanted him to stop. He knew that, He did not stop.

Dump him and make a promise to yourself that you will not accept anything other than a relationship that makes you feel happy and cherished. Don't look back

Do not under any circumstances go near this man again.

Some things to remember:
You never ever ever ever, for any reason ever have to do anything sexual that you don't 100% want to do. You don't have to provide a reason, you don't have to apologise, you don't have to explain or make up for it in any way, you can just say 'no' and that's it - no man has any right to guilt you or persuade you into doing anything and you never owe a man anything. If the man implies that you are wrong to say no, he needs to leave, immediately.

A decent kind and gentle man will be constantly looking out for you and always concerned that you are having a good time. He will check often that you're ok, do things to make you smile, enjoy your pleasure and stop immediately if you even seem to look like you're not comfortable. A man who crushes you against the bed to the extent that he breaks your bones and hammers at you even though you're in pain is a rapist, plain and simple. For him not to know he was hurting you he'd have to be blind, deaf and completely stupid - chances are, as you suspect, he got off on your pain. At the very least he really didn't care one bit about you - you were just there to satisfy him in whatever way he wanted.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. What a fucking bastard that guy is.

He hadn't had sex for the last three years of his marriage and before that it hadn't been frequent or particularly great. I can see why he'd actually be the problem there; he is circumcised and can only get off in certain positions

Nothing he has told you is true. Crushing is a fetish, anal is a fetish, and he is a very nasty piece of work.
If he turns up at your house do not let him in, do not talk to him, call the police on 999 straight away.

Talk to a counsellor as soon as you can.

You poor thing.

You don't need to explain why you're breaking off all contact. It's not your responsibility to prevent this happening again with someone else - it's his.

I had a similar situation with someone who really hurt me and many women have too - it's not just you, unfortunately I think these things are quite common. However there are some great guys out there - I'm sure you'll find one.

It may be true that he didn't have sex for the last three years of his marriage, but in that case it was likely that his ex wife got tired of being raped and put a stop to it.

I missed that - yes he is using circumcision as a means to get you into his fetish positions

Not clued up enough to tell you if it is rape but obviously you said stop and he carried on anyway. In times I have been in pain or said stop my ex stopped immediately and asked me if I was ok. That's what decent people do.

Please block him. I wouldn't personally say anything to him unless you feel you need to. Do so, then block him in that case.

YOU haven't failed. This bloke has failed, failed to be good enough. I can imagine why his wife dumped him, stopped having sex with him; I wonder how many times she was injured in the course of it.

I can't really see any 'benefits' in this friendship. He has treated you like dirt in so many ways, including taking a photo and showing his friend- unforgivable. He is 46 years old fgs. No wonder his wife didn't want to sleep with him.

I would actually tell him why I was ending it if I were you. These men need telling that the way they treat women is totally out of order and unacceptable. I would text him a list and suggest to him that he does some serious work if he ever wants any future relationships or FWB.

I wouldn't meet up with him again. I presume also that you are relatively confident that he won't be a physical threat to you (ie violence) as I assume he knows where you live.

Fucking vile.

YY to therapy, good idea.

@Spaghettijumper 'Do not under any circumstances go near this man again.'

'You never ever ever ever, for any reason ever have to do anything sexual that you don't 100% want to do. You don't have to provide a reason, you don't have to apologise, you don't have to explain or make up for it in any way, you can just say 'no' and that's it - no man has any right to guilt you or persuade you into doing anything and you never owe a man anything. If the man implies that you are wrong to say no, he needs to leave, immediately.'

This is so true and everyone girl and woman should be told this before they reach puberty and reminded of it often!

I am going to copy this to my notebook and will talk to my dd. I've alluded to it all before but this is a good comprehensive list. My niece is a lesbian so I think can talk to her too and all I would add is 'no man or woman'... (although I think this behaviour is more common in men.)

OP I hope you are OK. Please get medical care for whatever needs it. I don't know if this is relevant but if he anal tear is still painful, please consider getting things check out. www.nhs.uk/conditions/anal-fissure/

And the rib, I bet you have checked it out but if not... www.nhs.uk/conditions/broken-or-bruised-ribs/

Please get professional help for the psychological aspect of this. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX This is not your fault.

First of all, poor you. I can only echo what other people have said here which is to remove yourself from the situation. However, I would also let him know that you feel violated and that he injured you. Express what you're feeling and the facts of the situation but don't go into any further dialogue afterwards. I hope you find someone soon who won't treat you like this!

Ps This is so true and everyone girl and woman (and boys too)...

You seem articulate enough to me, but maybe you are not confrontational in person and hate to disappoint people? Send a confrontational text mentioning your injury and how else he violated you. Then say that because IRL you can't confront people he should not try to visit you and that you want no reply whatsoever. I also hate confrontation and have ghosted people who have persisted but your case seems a lot more serious. If you explain and he texts back arguing or "explaining" just ingore him and block.

If his wife wasn't giving him attention he could have turned to porn and maybe got his ideas of violent sex from there.

Could you report him he could be like this with another women?

When a man did something very off to me (nothing like as bad as this) I dumped him but I also told all my girlfriends. I didn't want any other woman to suffer in the same way. You might consider doing this, OP.

Thanks again everyone.

It's so odd; he's so shy and gentle and awkward and even nerdy in person - I never knew he could be capable of being this deviant! Certainly not a ladies man - I think half his enthusiasm was that he couldn't believe his luck that he'd found someone so easy (me). He also seems to be on good terms with his wife still - that's what makes me wonder if I've got this all wrong? He says she stopped being attracted to him and ceased sex (Although I can imagine if it was uncomfortable for her too then fair play)! He also said she loved anal play in the earlier years.

But perhaps he had altogether more respect for her boundaries as maybe she had more of a backbone than me and they were, ya know, actually married? Perhaps to him I'm just a blow up doll as someone mentioned? That's what it started to feel like!

I knew anal was a fetish (and he's clearly into it). I didn't know crushing was - Jesus Christ! He was also obsessed with trying to get me to squirt (which I can occasionally don- sorry for TMI). And he started to like tying my hands up as well. But to be honest, his weight was enough to stop me escaping. I think that was just a convenient plaything for all the porny stuff he wanted to try. I wouldn't have even minded if he'd have been more careful! I wanted no-strings sex too but not like this. No more.

The poster who said that I'm no good with confrontation is bang on. Im useless. I need to work on it badly.

I was thinking of sending him a text like this:

"Hi M. I didn't reply to your meme that you sent me twice as I couldn't find the humour in it. I'm not sure if you're fully aware but you've hurt me quite badly during that particular act and didn't stop when I asked you too. More than once. Many consider this to be rape.

I also didn't tell you that my rib fracture wasn't really due to me falling over, it was actually due to too much rough sex with you. I'm not sure why I wasn't able to tell you the truth at the time, but the couple of months I haven't been seeing you whilst recovering, have given me time to think and I am in fact, no longer comfortable with our arrangement. Whilst I should have been more clear, I hope going forward you are more careful in your sexual relationships. Be sure to always check that your partner is not pain or she will end up feeling violated, like I do.

Also, showing other people intimate pictures of us without my knowledge or consent is in fact, illegal. It would probably be wise if you deleted these pictures.

I wish you all the best going forward but for me, this is goodbye."

Or of course I could just block and delete? Not sure...

I think the wise people here will tell you not to send it. I would want to so he knows what the actual issue is, and because he should feel crappy (and more) for assaulting you.

Is there a chance it could make him angry? In which case don't send.

If it would make you feel happier then send it, but cut out the "Whilst I should have been more clear", the sentence is better without it. Also 1) some men would jump on any form of excuse from you to completely blame you so don't give him the opportunity to even begin to be that man; 2) how clear is saying "stop"? Is there a way to be clearer? Not really.

"I also didn't tell you that my rib fracture wasn't really due to me falling over, it was actually due to too much rough sex with you."

Youre still hedging. "I also didn't tell you that my rib fracture wasn't really due to me falling over, it was actually caused by you crushing me during sex."