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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this a form of rape or am I over-reacting?

122 replies

fwbgonewrong · 22/06/2018 09:55

Hi all - I will start by saying I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and have also been raped before, which probably makes my boundaries very skewed in some ways. I have been quite promiscuous at times, with a need to sort of emulate Samantha from SATC's kind of sexual liberation so as to feel in control (I'm not nearly as prolific as her by the way!). I have always been up front about this. I'm saying this in order to give an accurate background and not drip feed.

I'm a single mum in my early 30's and have been seeing a 46 year old guy I met online since October. The intention was always to just become "friends with benefits" as he was fresh out of a divorce and I had too much on (kids/work/moving area/etc). So we've been happily meeting up every 2-3 weeks or so - just for sex and a fry-up in the morning! I liked him well enough for a chat, a shag and a cuddle but had no feelings of wanting to take it to relationship level and I think he felt the same. Nice and easy you would think?

Apologies as I'm about to get a bit graphic from here on...

He hadn't had sex for the last three years of his marriage and before that it hadn't been frequent or particularly great. I can see why he'd actually be the problem there; he is circumcised and can only get off in certain positions (which as a 6ft 4" guy built like a rugby player) meant that I would often be pinned to the bed underneath his weight, crushed against the mattress). His ex wife was even tinier than I am and I can see why she must have got sick of being suffocated to the point of not putting out!

The sex was okay if I was on top and he was pretty good at all the non-penetrative stuff but it was far from the best I've ever had. He however told me that I was the best he had ever had (which is hugely complimentary but I think an exaggeration after such a long dry spell)!

He liked me on top doing all the work and orgasmed that way a few times. But his favourite way to cum would be to literally pin me to the bed on my front and grind inside me from behind until he came. I'm guessing the extra friction felt nice for him because of his lack of foreskin but it wasn't great for me. He is also obsessed with my backside and would bargain for anal sex as much as possible.

I've never been a huge fan of anal but the first few times we took it slow, lots of lube Blush and both enjoyed ourselves. We didn't do it every time we met up but he started increasingly wanting it. However, on about the fourth time, he cut me inside just as he was finishing. He didn't realise and I spent the next few weeks being a bit sore until we met again. I thought I was healed by that point so we tried again, with me pinned to the bed (and crushed). As soon as he started it was searingly painful and I yelled out "ow!" He seemed to get excited by this rather than stop and went at me faster. I couldn't move and was crying in pain (Although he might not have known this as my face was in the pillow). And then the pain got too much so I yelled "stop" just as he was about to finish. He didn't stop and thrust a few more times until he did finish. I was so glad it was over and stupidly didn't say anything at the time as I thought "he's such a nice guy, there's no way he did that deliberately"?!

We refrained from the backside stuff the next time we met, but the time after that the exact same thing happened. During that exact same sex session he managed to accidentally fracture my rib (likely caused by his weight on top of me). I didn't tell him it was him that did this but we haven't met up in the last 7 weeks whilst I've been "recovering". (I'm absolutely fine now and have been for a few weeks). We've stayed in touch over WhatsApp sending each other jokes and catching up. Plans to meet up in July, etc. But I've found since having a break away from him that I can't stop thinking about those two incidents and how they don't sit right with me. I'm also not missing the sex - I guess it never really was all that for me (even though he was having the time of his life)!

Other not so nice things? He took a photo of us engaging in anal sex (just private parts, no faces) and I later found out he'd shown it a friend. I'm not sure why I didn't kick off at this. Just laughed it off even though I wasn't happy.

Two days ago he sent me a joke meme about anal sex along with a comment about how he "can't wait to be inside my arse again" (lovely!). I looked at it and couldn't even dignify it with a reply so ignored it and talked about something else later that day. He then sent it again last night and said "what did you think of this" so he really wants a reaction to it! Except it's made me inexplicably feel really angry! And I've ignored it (and him) since then. I just don't know what to say to him? Maybe he doesn't realise and doesn't get it? It's not like I've been clear. But he had to know he was hurting me right? And prioritised his fetish and his need to get off...Sad

This is probably my own fault. I don't handle these things very well. Really thought he was a gent. Didn't want to take it further than FWB but now I don't want to ever see him again. But should I say anything to him? I'm so not good at this.

OP posts:
Shiftymake · 22/06/2018 10:34

I would tell him, if he isn't aware then a future partner can benefit from this lesson. If he is aware then at least you said what was needed. I think telling him will also help you put your feeling straight and maybe help you learn to voice your boundaries for the future, just not with this guy. "This isn't working for me" is a straight forward and honest comment as well.

FermatsTheorem · 22/06/2018 10:37

That's a very good point that Juells makes. You say yourself OP that you know your boundaries are all over the place, and if you give him an opening, he will exploit it (because don't kid yourself, he also knows your boundaries are all over the place - he is doing this quite knowingly and maliciously).

So it would be nice to get closure by sending Prawn's message, but I suggest pragmatically just block (or a one line "I don't think this is working for me any more" text - though even that opens communications, with him immediately texting back "Why?")

Now really is a time for that old Mumsnet favourite "No is a complete sentence." Keep reminding yourself that once you've said no to him, that is you setting down a boundary - your boundary. It is not you offering a start to negotiations (aka a chance for him to wear you down).

shakingmyhead1 · 22/06/2018 10:38

i am 5 foot 1 and my husband is 6 foot 4 and also built like a rugby player, he can get off in any position and has never needed to pin me to the mattress or break my bones because of his weight...
you said ow and he carried on... think about that.... you said STOP and he carried on...... think about that, really think about that... you said STOP
Next time he broke your bones pinning you to the bed..... think about that...
He took a photo of you while forcing you to have anal sex and showed it to people without your consent.... think about that

the moment you said STOP it became RAPE.... THINK ABOUT THAT!!
he sounds like he was coercive and once he got you how he wanted you abusive and a rapist and now he is distributing porn pictures of you.... think the pictures ( there will be more than one) are to keep you in line??? THINK ABOUT THAT!!!!

BonfiresOfInsanity · 22/06/2018 10:39

My DH is 6'5" and a heavy bloke. He is always worried about 'crushing' me (he's put on a bit of weight since we met!) and if, for one minute, he thought he was hurting me then he would stop. Be strong and end this arrangement before you get even more seriously hurt.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 22/06/2018 10:42

I think he is an abusive arsehole. I also think that continuing this relationship / FWB with him will be both physically and mentally damaging to you.

Cut all contact now and never have anything to do with him again.

WingsOnMyBoots · 22/06/2018 10:42

Tell him you don't want to see him because he hurt you and if he replies minimising it be clear 'You hurt me and I do not want to see you ever again'. Start creating boundaries.

Ditto the above.

Quartz2208 · 22/06/2018 10:44

Yes he raped you - you said no, he continued, you shouted stop, he continued. Yes Im afraid that is rape. He broke a rib and he took pictures.

He is not a gent.

I agree you need to simply shut it down and walk away - when you still can

yousignup · 22/06/2018 10:45

HE IS AWFUL OP.
Sorry, I am shouting, but he does Please dump this man and don't meet him ever again, not to explain, not for any reason.

Hoppinggreen · 22/06/2018 10:47

My DH is over 6ft and well built, I’m 5ft 2 and have dodgy hips and knees
He’s never hurt me during sex and would be horrified if he did and would stop straight away
What this man did was not ok and you need to cut all contact with him. You deserve a lot better than this, be kind to yourself

Dragongirl10 · 22/06/2018 10:47

OP l feel so very sick reading your post...l don't know where to start.

EVERYTHING about that is so wrong.

Please stay single and work on understanding a loving relationshipbefore sex again,

even casual 'friends with benefits ' can be done in a kind and respectful way, even S and M has boundaries and is respectful.

What made you think he was a gent???

Stop laughing off things you are uncomfortable about, why do your feelings not matter?

NEVER allow photos to be taken of you again...ever.

Dump him he is a lowlife, forget him, shelve sex and please learn what healthy boundaries look like and practice implementing them, you deserve much better.

Lastly you only get the respect you demand, set your bar high.

Butterflykissess · 22/06/2018 10:48

this isnt about anal, some women do enjoy it (me being one of them) but thats because im not being crushed. ex was 6ft3 and im 5ft 3 at one point he weighed 18 stone, he never crushed me! this sounds all kinds of wrong! and he showed your picture to his friend, i have to be honest this is why i dont think FWB works unless your actually friends to begin with as he sounds like he has zero respect for you. i wouldnt report it personally i would just block him and never speak to him again.

Sleephead1 · 22/06/2018 10:49

so sorry op it's awful I think telling him would be good but not if you feel at risk, is he likely to turn up at your house ECT for that reason I may give a more generic break up txt then block. What happened to you is so much eorse but i just wanted to tell you tbst i do think these things csn happen and at the time its easy to reason with yourself it was a accident or mistske or msybe they didnt hear you ect. I'm embarrassed about this but when I was 18 I met a man he was Into body building took steroids and was huge I'm 5f7 but was about 8 and a half stone at the time. We where in bed but I'd said we would not be having sex any way he flipped me over into that position and my arms where under my body and he was do heavy I couldn't move he then started to have sex with me I shouted no no no I don't want to. He stopped after about a minute. At the time he apologised and I said it's ok. I told my friend who said he had tried to rape me but I said oh no it's fine he stopped ECT Then I'm really embarrassed about this but I saw him again and had sex with him it was consensual but just not nice I've never felt like the way I did with him before or since. Trust your instincts and you never have to do anything you don't want to do.

snewname · 22/06/2018 10:51

Get rid, tell him straight why, just in case he's oblivious, even though "Stop"is pretty obvious, and then get yourself some counseling to see why you felt unable to say anything at the time and why you went back for more after the first time he hurt you.

Branleuse · 22/06/2018 10:53

no no no, him not stopping when you shout no and are shouting out in pain is already actual rape, let alone the fact he got more and more excited by you not wanting to.

This guy could seriously damage you and already has. Please bin him off

cholka · 22/06/2018 10:53

Your post reads like you're still entangled in worrying about what this utter shitbag thinks about you or thought about what he was doing - it doesn't matter. Let him go. He's a piece of scum.

You deserve to be with somebody who respects you and makes you feel wonderful. Don't accept anything less.

I agree counselling is a good idea or at least taking new relationships s l o w l y until you're confident you're not with a dickwad. You're vulnerable and that's ok, but it means you should take extra care to find someone who is trustworthy.

RockinHippy · 22/06/2018 10:54

His actions are nothing to do with him being circumcised, total bullshit. His actions are because he is a Sadist & he gets off on hurting you.

The injuries you mention are dreadful OP, no way is that normal behaviour & no way is not stopping when you were in tears, shouting ow & saying stop, normal either.

Block him & seek counselling to recover from your ordeal & sort out those skewed boundaries.

Helmetbymidnight · 22/06/2018 10:54

This is distressing to read. Flowers

Please stay away from this nasty, nasty man.

MaryandMichael · 22/06/2018 10:55

He's a rapist and you are worth much, much more.

Miserysquared · 22/06/2018 10:56

I can understand why you feel so confused by this. It may be an idea for future to just say no to anal as it isn't something you seem to particularly enjoy. That way the boundary is set and if someone keeps suggesting something you have said no too then there isn't any need for you to continue to be involved with them.

If you want a no strings attached sort of thing there are plenty of men who will happily stick with your boundaries, being cajoled into something sexual is never a good sign.

If it helps you can put his actions down to over excitement or lack of awareness.

In these sorts of arrangements it helps to set out boundaries from the start. You were content to continue to go to bed with him which if we are feeling charitable towards him may have been a confusing signal for him.

fwbgonewrong · 22/06/2018 10:58

Overwhelmed with all of your support - thank you! Thanks

Damnit I guess I've been done over again! Sad I was in counselling last year but I think it's probably a good idea if I sign myself up for it again. Literally all of my relationships and experiences with men have ended up abusive in some way (not necessarily sexually) so perhaps I should look at doing that Freedom Programme that I keep hearing about? Hopefully it will help me create some boundaries.

What stood out to me is actually even without the forced continuation of sex (struggling to label it THAT word now), why did I continue to see this guy when he wasn't all that as a lover anyway?! I guess I'm very lonely at times and I didn't want to fail again - and if I couldn't even find a successful FWB thing then maybe that counted as another failure in my mind? Because before all this happened, it was just about "good enough" to carry on with. Plus as someone with obviously low self esteem, there's something very heady about knowing someone desires you that much. All stuff for a counsellor to unpick I suspect...

I will send a short message saying that I don't want to continue (not sure if I should say why). Although I'm sure he'll think he's owed that) so I might block afterwards. He unfortunately does know where I live.

Thanks again everyone. Really appreciate the responses. Back to the drawing board I guess.

OP posts:
Juells · 22/06/2018 10:59

If he gets back in touch with you and you find yourself weakening, post here again. You don't have to do this on your own. It can be difficult to look after yourself when your boundaries are weak, but there are plenty of posters who will help you to be strong.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 22/06/2018 11:01

I had some lovely FWB relationships but they were lovely because, as a PP said, we were genuinely friends before the sex turned up. There's nothing about this relationship that's remotely friendly.

Your thread title asks the question "am I over-reacting?" If anything you're under-reacting.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 22/06/2018 11:03

He’s vile and this was a very upsetting read. You must be hurting so much. I really hope you have support and people in your life to show you that you’re worthy of more.

Butterflykissess · 22/06/2018 11:04

i dont think he will turn up at your door or anything so i wouldnt worry about that. sounds like he just sees you as a play thing and will probably swiftly move onto the next.

postcardsfrom · 22/06/2018 11:04

You've had a really unpleasant experience with this guy, and I would tell him so and move on, block him, don't see him. He's also shown a pic without your consent - I'd ask him to be deleting that and remind him that it's a criminal offence for him to be sharing that without your consent.

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