Hi all, long time lurker and first post but love all the support and advice given on here. I am quite young and no kids but hoping for some advice. This is unbelievably long but don't want to drip-feed so appreciate if this gets no replies.
Backstory: me 24, great stable job for two years in London, family owned flat in nice central area with cheap rent, sporty and size 6-8 (not boasting relative later), kind and loyal to a fault, overly sensitive and difficult upbringing and can come across cold at first but am actually really soppy and desperate to just love and be loved and be happy. I'm a relationship person and past relationships ended due to youth and distance, and most recent because I'd grown up a lot over the years and my ex was very much in the student phase of life. Not his fault but parted on good terms as we both wanted different lives.
Him: same age, model looks, two jobs he does not enjoy in a year, quiet, active, sporty, anger issues (I have tried to support and understand and show him love and don't judge), moved to London to be with an ex in her family's home, he kissed someone on a work night out (only told me well into our relationship that he had previously cheated or I'd probably not have gone there in the first place), then said it fell apart because living together caused rows and he moved into a new flat whilst saying he to her they were still together and would make it work living apart but then ended it as soon as he moved into the new place. Met me about six weeks later.
Met a year and a half ago, I'd resigned myself to being single but was enjoying the odd date (more for a laugh and something to do) and he turned my life upside down. I had never known love like it, i couldn't believe I'd met someone who wanted to fight my corner and be on my side and support me. I think I am quite nice looking and like to make an effort with hair and clothes but he made me feel like the most stunning creature on the planet. I couldn't contain my happiness and thought that all the difficulties I'd had in life had been worth it to experience such a great love, like I'd experienced the bad so I would be ready to appreciate the wonder of this relationship. I couldn't believe how lucky I was and even better, he didn't seem to be able to believe how lucky he was either. Bliss and contentment and safety all in one.
Or so I thought, he hated his job. I supported him and helped in job search, he then found a new one and seemed happy to start. He was then off for six weeks. In this time after Christmas I noticed he was a bit off and for one week didn't want to be intimate with me (a marked change from the nine months previous where it would average 4/5 times a week at least). He then got very drunk one night and was horribly abusive, nearly killed us both dragging us under a tube platform, screaming at me when I was desperately trying to get us home safely, police offered to take him for the night so I could get home but refused as I couldn't do that to him. Police handed me his phone as he was going to drop it and when I got home his phone flashed up with a message from friend asking if he got home okay as he was so drunk. I opened the phone and found messages to his teenage years ex about a sexual dream he'd had the night before about her, messages to a 45 year old blonde woman asking if her response to his proposition was no, and someone down as an auntie who clearly was not an aunt and was actually a 50 year old model he had found on instagram and messaged and exchanged numbers with. Messages saying he'd missed chatting to her that week and asking if she could be his milf and he could be her toy boy. These messages were all sent that night whilst he was messaging me saying he loved me and was desperate for me to come out and meet him.
I stupidly stupidly took him back, he said he was a mess and worried about new job and had done this before and couldn't believe what he risked losing and had just gone mad. Promised he would build my trust and never do anything to hurt me again.
Gradually he seemed to begin to resent the fact that I'd ask the odd question about these women and if any had got back in touch, or for him to reassure me that nothing was going on. Admittedly any time his mood changed towards me I worried he was doubting us and talking to other women again. But overall, we have been happy and made plans for the future, booked a Christmas holiday and been on holiday with his family with more family trips booked later in the year. We celebrated our anniversary with a weekend away and it was wonderful and we agreed how happy we were and how we both felt we'd met the person we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with.
Three weeks ago he shut off. Complains of constant tiredness, doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything, bad moods and foul temper, picking on me and everything I do, causing huge arguments and I've been worn down by it all and have felt miserable. Begged him to tell me what is wrong as such a change made me worry he was depressed or about to have a breakdown, he just said he felt unhappy in himself and stressed recently. I have tried everything, asked to spend quality time and reconnect, cooked romantic dinners and given him some space as well. Any effort I have made has not been appreciated, he finds fault or says he's too tired to do anything. Rejects my advances sexually and made me cry more than I can count because it hurts so much. He says he has put on weight and I have too (I hadn't realised and am still a tall size 6-8) and doesn't feel sexy at the moment.
Things came to a head yesterday when I'd had enough of being treated nastily and I was so unhappy, somehow he turned it round on me and told me I was crazy and irrational and too emotional, he is logical and logically we are not going to end up together. It's like he's closed off all feelings for me. Says he needs space and isn't sure what he wants, I deserve better, he doesn't want to hurt me again, he's never been alone and independent and needs to find out who he is, but maybe if he gets some space (can't say if that means a week or a month or six months) he might want to be with me but doesn't know right now. I asked him to just be honest but he is adamant he doesn't know. I pointed out he's repeating history and I don't believe for one second if he moves out for six months there is any chance he'll end up back with me, offered to support him with his issues and maybe organise some counselling for him but he laughed at that idea.
So here's my dilemma, anyone I have spoken to thinks he has someone else or someone in the wings, in which case he is trying to keep me sweet whilst he finds somewhere to live/can get money together for somewhere as he has paid low rent with me and will struggle to pay normal London rent/is sure she wants him too, in which case I need to toughen up and tell him to get out of my home ASAP and not be falsely led on and taken advantage of (they feel quite strongly about this as they know I see the good in people and can be a doormat)
I worry he is actually a kind person deep down who has some demons and bad role models (his father is a serial cheat and ironically he detests that side to his father), and is cracking under the stress of London and a high pressure job environment and needs support. In which case I would want to be kind and a friend to him and hope if he sorts himself out that he may come back to me when he's ready.
From what I've said (so so sorry for how long it all is) : does he have someone else? Is he lying to me? Am I a doormat? Tough love or loving love? I feel such a mess, I never let myself believe I'd have a family and kids and real partner until I met him and let myself believe I had a chance at all that and now feel like I may be back to square one but with even more hurt and damage.
Thanks