Am I a mug? (So long, sorry)

[Nothingsundercontrol]

Hi all, long time lurker and first post but love all the support and advice given on here. I am quite young and no kids but hoping for some advice. This is unbelievably long but don't want to drip-feed so appreciate if this gets no replies.

Backstory: me 24, great stable job for two years in London, family owned flat in nice central area with cheap rent, sporty and size 6-8 (not boasting relative later), kind and loyal to a fault, overly sensitive and difficult upbringing and can come across cold at first but am actually really soppy and desperate to just love and be loved and be happy. I'm a relationship person and past relationships ended due to youth and distance, and most recent because I'd grown up a lot over the years and my ex was very much in the student phase of life. Not his fault but parted on good terms as we both wanted different lives.

Him: same age, model looks, two jobs he does not enjoy in a year, quiet, active, sporty, anger issues (I have tried to support and understand and show him love and don't judge), moved to London to be with an ex in her family's home, he kissed someone on a work night out (only told me well into our relationship that he had previously cheated or I'd probably not have gone there in the first place), then said it fell apart because living together caused rows and he moved into a new flat whilst saying he to her they were still together and would make it work living apart but then ended it as soon as he moved into the new place. Met me about six weeks later.

Met a year and a half ago, I'd resigned myself to being single but was enjoying the odd date (more for a laugh and something to do) and he turned my life upside down. I had never known love like it, i couldn't believe I'd met someone who wanted to fight my corner and be on my side and support me. I think I am quite nice looking and like to make an effort with hair and clothes but he made me feel like the most stunning creature on the planet. I couldn't contain my happiness and thought that all the difficulties I'd had in life had been worth it to experience such a great love, like I'd experienced the bad so I would be ready to appreciate the wonder of this relationship. I couldn't believe how lucky I was and even better, he didn't seem to be able to believe how lucky he was either. Bliss and contentment and safety all in one.

Or so I thought, he hated his job. I supported him and helped in job search, he then found a new one and seemed happy to start. He was then off for six weeks. In this time after Christmas I noticed he was a bit off and for one week didn't want to be intimate with me (a marked change from the nine months previous where it would average 4/5 times a week at least). He then got very drunk one night and was horribly abusive, nearly killed us both dragging us under a tube platform, screaming at me when I was desperately trying to get us home safely, police offered to take him for the night so I could get home but refused as I couldn't do that to him. Police handed me his phone as he was going to drop it and when I got home his phone flashed up with a message from friend asking if he got home okay as he was so drunk. I opened the phone and found messages to his teenage years ex about a sexual dream he'd had the night before about her, messages to a 45 year old blonde woman asking if her response to his proposition was no, and someone down as an auntie who clearly was not an aunt and was actually a 50 year old model he had found on instagram and messaged and exchanged numbers with. Messages saying he'd missed chatting to her that week and asking if she could be his milf and he could be her toy boy. These messages were all sent that night whilst he was messaging me saying he loved me and was desperate for me to come out and meet him.

I stupidly stupidly took him back, he said he was a mess and worried about new job and had done this before and couldn't believe what he risked losing and had just gone mad. Promised he would build my trust and never do anything to hurt me again.

Gradually he seemed to begin to resent the fact that I'd ask the odd question about these women and if any had got back in touch, or for him to reassure me that nothing was going on. Admittedly any time his mood changed towards me I worried he was doubting us and talking to other women again. But overall, we have been happy and made plans for the future, booked a Christmas holiday and been on holiday with his family with more family trips booked later in the year. We celebrated our anniversary with a weekend away and it was wonderful and we agreed how happy we were and how we both felt we'd met the person we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with.

Three weeks ago he shut off. Complains of constant tiredness, doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything, bad moods and foul temper, picking on me and everything I do, causing huge arguments and I've been worn down by it all and have felt miserable. Begged him to tell me what is wrong as such a change made me worry he was depressed or about to have a breakdown, he just said he felt unhappy in himself and stressed recently. I have tried everything, asked to spend quality time and reconnect, cooked romantic dinners and given him some space as well. Any effort I have made has not been appreciated, he finds fault or says he's too tired to do anything. Rejects my advances sexually and made me cry more than I can count because it hurts so much. He says he has put on weight and I have too (I hadn't realised and am still a tall size 6-8) and doesn't feel sexy at the moment.

Things came to a head yesterday when I'd had enough of being treated nastily and I was so unhappy, somehow he turned it round on me and told me I was crazy and irrational and too emotional, he is logical and logically we are not going to end up together. It's like he's closed off all feelings for me. Says he needs space and isn't sure what he wants, I deserve better, he doesn't want to hurt me again, he's never been alone and independent and needs to find out who he is, but maybe if he gets some space (can't say if that means a week or a month or six months) he might want to be with me but doesn't know right now. I asked him to just be honest but he is adamant he doesn't know. I pointed out he's repeating history and I don't believe for one second if he moves out for six months there is any chance he'll end up back with me, offered to support him with his issues and maybe organise some counselling for him but he laughed at that idea.

So here's my dilemma, anyone I have spoken to thinks he has someone else or someone in the wings, in which case he is trying to keep me sweet whilst he finds somewhere to live/can get money together for somewhere as he has paid low rent with me and will struggle to pay normal London rent/is sure she wants him too, in which case I need to toughen up and tell him to get out of my home ASAP and not be falsely led on and taken advantage of (they feel quite strongly about this as they know I see the good in people and can be a doormat)

I worry he is actually a kind person deep down who has some demons and bad role models (his father is a serial cheat and ironically he detests that side to his father), and is cracking under the stress of London and a high pressure job environment and needs support. In which case I would want to be kind and a friend to him and hope if he sorts himself out that he may come back to me when he's ready.

From what I've said (so so sorry for how long it all is) : does he have someone else? Is he lying to me? Am I a doormat? Tough love or loving love? I feel such a mess, I never let myself believe I'd have a family and kids and real partner until I met him and let myself believe I had a chance at all that and now feel like I may be back to square one but with even more hurt and damage.

Thanks

@pinkyredrose yes he moved in before Christmas, so will need to find a friend or rented flat elsewhere.

He's off out at a barbecue today I think so hopefully he will tell a friend what is going on and one of them will offer to have him whilst he sorts out a place for himself

Take some friends with you, or call 101 and inform the police you will he kicking him out tomorow, hopefully you won't need to call them but have them on speedial if you will be alone with him.
You are so young and naive, op. This guy is an absolute loser and, yes, taking you for an absolute mug. Woman up and take control, its your flat ffs!!! Why the hell have you left?!? In your shoes I would be kicking him and all his shit out of MY flat right now.

You need to end this for good and read the books 'Co dependant no more' and 'why does he do that'.

It's not you it's him and you can't rescue him or fix him and this will keep happening. Run far and fast.

You're young and deserve so much more.

Right, so if he is not even there today you have a perfect opportunity to pack all his shit and lock him out. Text and tell him that, op, let one of his friends keep him.
And don't bother relying to any of his inevitable rants because he obviously knows you swallow all of his bullshit.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I think you are right and I do need to stand up for myself. I do think (and feel even more stupid) he targeted me.

Growing up - alcoholic prolific cheating father, left Mum for other woman when I was 11, caused havoc and chaos and upset for years. Kicking us out because he got drunk or had an argument with Mum, making a scene in front of our friends, having to phone up his friends when I was aged 12 to apologise for his behaviour and console young siblings who would be terrified. Mum not much better and reacted to it all and Home was stressful and hysterical and both parents brought me into their problems and involved me as I was the eldest which I can see now was cruel and unfair and I was far too young to be dragged into their very adult issues. Then to top it off my mum moved in a horrible man who manipulated her and the whole family and drove a wedge between her and us kids and Home was ruled by fear of being sent to live with unpredictable dad. Horrible man also touched up my sister and I aged 13/14 a few times and we never felt brave enough to tell Mum until horrible man left her two years ago. Or knew he would twist and we wouldn't be believed and sent to live with difficult dad.

It was a horrid time and I honestly didn't think I'd ever come out the other side, and I try to be kind and look out for others because I understand suffering and hate the idea of anyone else who feels alone or is in pain. But maybe it's made me fear rejection and abandonment and has lowered my self worth so I accept less than I deserve

My last post may come across as a pity party - I don't actually feel like a victim anymore and am a fighter and have fought to get to London and my job and build a life here. I'm several hours outside London today and am spending time with my family but he will be gone tomorrow. Thank you all for kicking me in to touch and the good advice. I'll come back stronger

Thing is you have made a conscious effort to come out the other side. You've a great job, a home etc. You are a caring, empathic adult person who wants to love and be loved. Huzzah to you for your strength and self awareness!
Unfortunately, he has not come out the other side, he is wallowing in it and using it as his excuse to behave how he wants and to treat others badly. You can't be his, or anyone else's, path to the other side. That is a solo trip and he obviously doesn't want to walk.
Keep living and loving, but raise your boundaries and expectations. You are worthy of the love and respect of another decent human being. Expect that, and don't settle for less.

You will never fix him. He may someday fix himself but it won't be because of you or anyone else.

You are young, bright and beautiful with a great job and affordable rent in one of the most exciting cities in the world. Do not let this selfish man ruin another second of it for you.

Find some amazing friends, enjoy yourself and when you are feeling secure and proud of the woman you are you might meet someone special - you might not, but being single is better than what he is offering you.

"But maybe it's made me fear rejection and abandonment and has lowered my self worth so I accept less than I deserve"

Yes you sadly learnt all that and given your life at home with your so called mum and dad (they are not fit to be parents really) that is not at all surprising. You display practically all the characteristics of an adult child of an alcoholic right down to the codependency and feeling super responsible for others which you yourself learnt from them.

I would also suggest you contact NAPAC as they could be helpful to you as well.

Such crap can be unlearnt but you need to stop dating for the time being after you rid yourself of this piece of work and work on rebuilding you from the ground up. Otherwise you will remain just as vulnerable to chancers like this person who did target you.

Jeez OP you've been through some horrible experiences at such a young age.

Please stop trying to understand him, so far giving him the benefit of the doubt and finding reasons for his behaviour has only brought you heartache.

I've just reread the part where he nearly killed the two of you. It's so horrifying, please don't give him the chance to do similar again, he might actually kill you next time whether he means to or not.

If a friend told you all that you've told us what would you think?

You sound lovely, you could do so much better. You deserve someone who treats you with honesty, dignity and respect.

Yes, he is a cunt and good riddance to him

He would have destroyed you

Now, please do the Freedom Programme before you pick another fucking loser like him to rescue again

I’m with JuicySwan. He’s a cunt and you deserve better. He doesn’t love you, he certainly wouldn’t treat you that way if he did.

When you go home, take someone with you and throw him out there and then. Make him pack essentials and fling the rest into black bin bags for him to collect later. Thank god it’s your flat!

You sound a lovely person . You're the same age as my daughter, who lives away from home too. I'd tell her the same if she was in this position. You're young and have a lot going for you ....so get rid of him and your life will work out for the better . Be strong . You know the answer for yourself really don't you. ??

You’re clearly trying to rescue him, which in turn will mean all you went through as a child was worth it for “happiness” because you saved him and you think you’re saving yourself at the same time.

But you’re just trying to right the wrongs that happened to you as a child.

You were made to be the “fixer” at home and you’re trying to be the fixer now. You couldn’t fix anything then, and you can’t fix anything now for anyone else or for your childhood.

Get youreself to a therapist ASAP to try and stop the pattern. Because it is a deeply imbedded pattern you will continue your whole life if you don’t try and deal with it.

You’re boundaries are pretty non exsistent because of what’s happened to you. You need to try and change that. It won’t be easy but you need to know you deserve respect in life. And real love shouldn’t be the way you’ve described your relationship.

Trust me from someone who’s walked in similar shoes to you
X

And sorry if that sounds like a massive projection! But my childhood was scarily similar. And I’m always trying to save people. And overly empathising with men who’ve had a hard childhood like me.

Be very, very careful when you split up with him. He will promise you the Earth, that he will change, that he has all these poor sad upbringing reasons why he behaved like this (note well that he will claim that you 'triggered' him btw) and if he really is a clever cunt, he will ask for your help in making a go of it.

It is what you know and feel familiar with, all this being the understanding rescuer person. Even if it causes you pain - and it clearly does - you will put that down to you being a very special empathic understanding sort of rescuer, and you will carry on, unhappy, being taken advantage of, trying even harder to understand him. You will enable him to be even more of a cunt than he is naturally. It will destroy both of you.

Never mind him, he is a cunt and you see that now, what you need is help so that you don't get put back in that mad rescuer box again in your next relationship. You WILL end up in that place again unless you are fantastically lucky.

Someone upthread mentioned The Freedom Programme. That is a good place to start, because you will see how your responses are what keep you imprisoned in a certain pattern. You need to see how you mistake abuse for love.

You have had a hard life, a really hard childhood that has not equipped you for a happy, fulfilled adult life. I think it would really help if you could find a good therapist and let your real, beautiful self blossom out.

Do you have a friend, if possible a man, who could be there when you tell him to move out?
Please don’t fall into the ‘poor him, he has nowhere to live’. He has told you it was better to have some space. So I wouod have assumed he had been looking at somewhere else to live (and do the same to you than he has done to his ex).
But one thing is sure, he can NOT stay in YOUR house whilst he is looking for somewhere to live AND you have separates.
Either he will be real nightmare (see your fear he is going to damage things) or he will try to win you back (and might well manage to as you are way too nice)

Hi all, thank you for all your messages. I can't tell you how much the support means to me.

I will look into freedom programme because I don't want to end up in these unhealthy relationships and situations again.

As an update, I told him he needs to arrange to be gone by the time I'm home tomorrow. I got a fair bit of abuse to which I didn't respond, and he's now said his mum will be coming to pick up him and his stuff tomorrow. So that's a success as he won't do anything silly in front of her.

I won't lie and say his lack of concern or worry about me/is doesn't hurt me, instead he's angry and worried about himself and what he's supposed to do now. But ultimately nastiness is easier for me to walk away from and he's shown himself for what he is

Well done op.

You were far too good for him.

From now on if you have a relationship you must repeat " He is lucky to have me" and walk away from any relationship if they treat you in a way you would never treat them.

You are a the loveliest, kindest young woman and from now on, you are never to accept abuse of any kind nor try to 'fix' losers, ok?

Well done op
Be strong you deserve someone who truly supports and loves you
Words are cheap. Remember that

Sorry, he's not a kind person with anger issues. He is an extremely abusive person.

If you haven't already, please give some serious consideration to doing the Freedom Programme (freedomprogramme.co.uk), even if you only do the online version, so you can understand what he's been doing, and why it's left you so confused. It's textbook abusive behaviour, right from the start.

Your comment about being a relationship person, and your need to help and love him, etc, concerns me. I really think you would benefit from doing Freedom to help you avoid ending up in another situation like this one.

All humans need relationships. We're social creatures. But it's not healthy to be desperate to pair yourself off at any cost, and sacrifice your own needs in the name of saving somebody else.

You need to learn to meet your own needs, and value yourself enough to recognise that sometimes your needs are the ones that must be prioritised, and that doing so is not selfish.

You deserve better. It's not your responsibility to fix him. And it's definitely not your role in life to protect him from the consequences of his actions.

Managed to miss your update.

Im sorry it's gone like that, but I think you're right in that he's done you a favour by making it easier to walk away from him by behaving like that.

I know it still hurts, but you really do deserve so much better. And with him gone and you working on yourself, you've opened the doors to something much better in your future.

Take care and well done.

The bit where you said he ‘nearly killed us both dragging us under a tube platform’...
That should be enough for you to never ever go near this bloke again.
Stay strong and stay away from him. Xx

Hi all, managed to get some sleep last night and woken up today feeling like I've been hit with a ton of bricks. It feels like a physical pain and I'm starting to think about all the little routines and things we did together that will never happen again and I am heartbroken. I know I'm grieving someone who isn't actually real but the pain is so very real to me.

I am dreading going back to the empty flat and seeing all of his things gone, with all our photos still up. I'm just going in to pick up some clothes (and check nothing of mine has been taken and all is tidy) and am going to lock up and stay with a friend tonight so I'm not on my own.

I've just bought "why does he do that" as recommended by another poster and I within the first few pages saw my own relationship.

Thanks again all