I know this sounds hideously ungrateful but..

[user109842]

Dh has bought me (extravagant) birthday presents knowing that I really dislike things like that. We've been together years. He knows me inside out so why has he done it? If I say then he'll get in a huff, though if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd want to know. If I don't say, then I'll have to suppress huge panic attacks. Wwyd?

How does he know you dislike them?

These aren't materialistic presents, they're "experiences" for want of a better word. He knows I have significant anxiety.

DH tried to get me out and about when I'm bad with my anxiety, which helps as I get to experience something different and have him to support me. It's really helps me, maybe that's what he's trying to do?

Maybe it's his clumsy way of saying he wants to help you overcome anxiety so you can enjoy life more. Are any of these experiences things you'd love to try in theory but are just too scared? If they are, could you start to work on your anxiety and focus on overcoming small obstacles towards the goal of doing the experience. But only if it's something you'd truly love to achieve. Not if it's something that scares you rigid and makes you think, why do people do that?

It's the latter paws. The first one is today and I have to do it alone so of course I've not slept. The big one is Thursday, with him, and I've vomited from the panic.

Is it skydiving or something OP?
My DH has tried to get me to do this kind of thing with him and sometimes the only thing that works is a flat NO!

Why are you scared of saying no to him? What will be his reaction?

May be suggest to your DH you need help such as a workshop to help you with anxiety?

What type of things are these experiences?

Jumping from an aeroplane?

It is widely known that one should aim to leave one's comfort zone now and again as being good for the spirit, but that confidence has to be built up slowly.

Familiarity helps build confidence, not trying at all isn't good for you as can be self limiting.

Have a chat as you will need empathy and willingness on both sides, also a sense of humour in order to lesson the demons and build confidence.

Good luck!

How about downright refusing to go on it? I would, as my physical cowardice outranks my emotional cowardice! You don't have to, just because the idiot has paid for it, you know. You're going to have to experience something unpleasant either way, the thing itself or the fallout of not doing the thing. But you're in the right here. You didn't want this and you don't have to accept it.

My dad made me do a lot of things I didn't enjoy because it would be good for me . The highlight was climbing a huge observation tower, with him close behind me to be fair, when I was 5, and I've never been able to face heights since. The first time I downright refused, though, was at age 18, when I realised I was an adult and didn't have to do what Daddy says even if he was pointing at me and encouraging my siblings to laugh at me. Lovely. I just said "I don't have to jump over that crevice and I'm not going to." And I didn't. It was such a liberating moment. I've been a bit of an awkward sod ever since, but it's nothing to be ashamed about.

It doesn't sound ungrateful.

I have no idea why anyone of good will, would buy a present for someone that they know that someone will absolutely hate.

Why should you be grateful?

Did he think that this might be the way for you to get over your anxiety? Is he trying to say something? He could be right, he could be wrong, but ultimately, not nice to do it as a birthday present.

I hope it does indeed work and make you over your fear. It can happen, but if you don't go with it, don't feel bad, he shouldn't have done it.

Don't do it, he can sulk all he likes, you're obviously extremely anxious. He must recognise that- why on earth is he going along with it?

My DP did this too! A racing car 'experience' - I was a bit WTF as I'm a nervous driver.

That company was Red Letter Days and I just called them up and swapped it for a day in a spa instead.

Check the voucher and see if you can swap it for something you would enjoy. I'm sorry you were vomiting with nerves he sounds pretty insensitive

If it is jumping from an aeroplane, btw, the likelihood of anything horrible happening is extremely low. However, I'd point out that the likelihood can be reduced to zero by the simple expediency of... NOT jumping from an aeroplane.

I'm not a total wimp btw, nor averse to new experiences per se. It's just that some activities will never make me happy even if they work perfectly, so why the heck even go there? Because I MIGHT enjoy it? There are lots of things I KNOW I will enjoy, so why not spend my precious time doing those?

Because he'll be hurt, he'll have lost a hell of a lot of money, he'll miss out too,

Ah so it's a joint activity that he wants to do! The plot thickens.

Definitely try and swap it for something else, that's a pretty selfish present for him to get. Usually these vouchers can be swapped for a night in a hotel or a naice afternoon tea.

So really it's a present to himself?

Ok this is where you'll laugh and call me irrational. One is a spa day on my own. I really struggle with lying still, I'm hideously self conscious, I don't "do" relaxing, I react to every skin product basically. Win. The second is a city break. I'm phobic - no, I'm beyond phobic - of flying.

It’s a present for him, pffff.

Anxiety isn’t rational, so no, I’m not laughing at you.

Would he have given you an ‘experience gift’ of public speaking in front of 1500 people I wonder?

If you’re vomiting at the thought of it then you have to tell him, if he loves you he wouldn’t want you to be feeling this way. The money is already spent so it’s gone either way, don’t do something you don’t want to just to please someone else.

He's a fool. Don't go. Otherwise how wil he learn, see what I did?

So his feelings are more important than yours, even to the point that his feelings being hurt is worse than you vomiting from anxiety?

So he chooses to spend a lot of money on something you won't enjoy but you are therefore obliged to behave the way he wants?

So you have to do something you dislike not for your birthday happiness but for him?

Nope. I would be angry, would tell him to consider it his birthday present in advance, and make him give me the equivalent money so I could buy myself something I enjoyed. And if he was sulky, I'd remind him he had brought it on himself.

Why are you putting up with this crap? You shouldn't have to.

Well, before he spent a hell of a lot of money he perhaps should have considered your feelings and whether you actually wanted these things. Rather than just picking something he fancied doing and passing it off as a joint activity for your birthday. I think you need to tell him, otherwise you'll either make yourself ill or spend the next year worrying he'll do similar for future birthdays. Him missing out is really not your problem, he could have just booked it for himself.

You can do this. I’d be the same btw but I know from experience that I often surprise myself by having a great time.

The spa day, take a book and spend the day by the pool reading. Is there a treatment? Go for a massage, any therapist worth their salt will make you feel completely at ease. I actually have to go on one next week with my mum and sister and feel exactly the same, although I appreciate it’s not solo. But the two times I’ve been strong armed into going before have been surprisingly relaxing and enjoyable.

The flight is trickier. But you have time to see your GP and get some diazepam or similar before hand. Is it Europe? If so it will be over before you’ve got started. Then the break itself will be lovely.

You can do this. This is assuming you love your husband and think he’s genuinely trying to do a nice thing, if a bit misguided. I usually find that powering through is worth it. I suffer from bipolar and often incapacitating anxiety so I’m not just saying this. Of course there are tones when it would be impossible, but if there’s even the slightest spark that you can do this I think it would be amazing for you to try.

On the other hand if he’s a selfish tosser in general then tell him to fuck off and do something you know you’ll enjoy instead.