I know this sounds hideously ungrateful but..

[user109842]

Dh has bought me (extravagant) birthday presents knowing that I really dislike things like that. We've been together years. He knows me inside out so why has he done it? If I say then he'll get in a huff, though if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd want to know. If I don't say, then I'll have to suppress huge panic attacks. Wwyd?

You say he knows you inside out OP. What do you honestly think his intentions are by giving you these gifts? Is your marriage a happy one?

I don't understand why anyone would ever need to get over a fear of spa days.

Ask him why he's given these to you.

If he really understands your issues, then he must know you would find these hard - is he trying to "improve" you via your gifts? Then that's shitty, even if he meant well.

Tell him you don't want to go, if you go knowing you'll hate it, his money is just as wasted as if you don't go at all. You won't get the benefit, and if he was worried about not wasting money, he'd have bought you a gift you'd like.

You don't have to go. If he gets upset, then he'll learn in the future gifts should be something the recipient would like, not something that will make them a "better person".

Lucky for you that you've not had to experience such high levels of anxiety then wagil

I don’t think that’s what Wagil means.

Rather that if he has bought you this to teach you to get over it, why would you need to? It’s a spa day, not something you ever HAVE to do in life.

Are you getting help for your anxiety? What does your doctor say? Can they prescribe something to help with the flight?

And agree with PP change the treatments to something you can cope with. Or just don’t do the treatments if you don’t like the thought of any.

I've changed the treatments. I've had CBT. I can't take antidepressants for anxiety or beta blockers or benzos due to underlying health conditions. I'm also t-total so a drink or seven on the plane won't help.

Why did he buy them? What was his reasoning?

Is he normally nice and caring or do you normally do as he wants?

Eurostar? Antwerp is nice, ferry to Dublin?
I think you are being bullied. I understand it's irritating to live with someone so anxious, but he needs to go abroad with a friend or learn to enjoy a nice walk.

The treatments are not compulsory to attend and you can swap once there for nails or pedicure.

You can go and sit by the pool of you chose.

Try this approach as you will feel you have achieved something.

It's very hard living with somebody with such anxiety and it sounds like he's trying to do normal stuff that couples do within a relationship.

Do you never do holidays etc together?

Do you think he is happy being in the relationship? I'm not blaming you as I know anxiety can be debilitating but this sounds like incredibly hard work and limiting for him.

Spa breaks aren't to everyone's taste but a city break is quite a normal and fun thing to do. I don't believe he is trying to punish you but perhaps somehow he wishes you could do normal couple things together.

Perhaps he is trying a bit of tough love? Have you talked to him properly?

Does he specifically know that a spa day would cause you such huge levels of anxiety?

The city break I do kind of sympathise with him about - it's fairly normal for couples to go on weekend/midweek breaks away and it's possibly he just wants to enjoy that kind of thing as well. Are there alternatives to flying, perhaps? Could you get the Eurostar and then the train or hire a car?

Well I have nice nails and toes now. But I'll never get the need to lie in someone else's dressing gown listening to whale music.

But does he actually know you’re terrified of the spa?

It sounds to me like he’s booked you a lovely spa day to help you relax and be pampered. If he wanted to make you feel uncomfortable and anxious, I doubt that’s how he’d go about it.

Glad you went along to the spa OP. Ha ha I know what you mean, I'm not a Spa person and I hate massages! I'm more tense when they're finished

Now hopefully you can speak honestly to dh about your planned city break. I think it'll help just to put your cards on the table like you have here. You're grateful for the thought behind it, but your anxiety is bad at the moment and you're worried about x, y and z.

He's not showing much understanding of how incapacitating your condition is for whatever reason.
Anxiety can skew your perspective and make you think the worst sometimes and that maybe true when you're considering dh's motives for these presents.

What would really piss me off is feeling that a partner who does this just doesn't 'get' me. They don't understand how terrifying/boring/miserable I'd find the experiences. They think I'm someone else, someone who would enjoy those things.

What's wrong with having an Amazon wishlist and telling him to just bloody well stick to it!

OP you may not want to say, but you haven't answered why, if he knows you hate these things, he bought them. Because it matters.

Buying improving presents for someone knowing they will hate them is horrible and you can, in good conscience, just refuse.

Tee hee reminds me of a friend who miserably told me that her DH had given her a lecture because she liked to relax by watching TV. The right way to relax was by reading a book

He's a bit cruel isn't he? It's no good getting you things that HE wants. More fool him if he's wasted a lot of money. He'll have to do it on his own.

It might not help for this imminent upcoming city break but maybe look into hypnotherapy for your flying phobia, it helped for someone I know.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about you today OP. You are wrong by the way, I understand anxiety rather well.

Your willingness to please your DH at the expense of your own well being has really troubled me. In spite of vomiting and panicking you are very worried that you might appear 'hideously ungrateful'.

Do you believe his actions are for your own benefit, in as much as he really does know you inside out? Or something else?

How many years have you been together, op?
And in all of those years have you never been on a weekend break or holiday together?

In just concerned that overriding your wishes is just a general part of your relationship. It's difficult to understand why you don't feel you can just say no. I think this could be just the tip of the iceberg in a bigger relationship problem.

I think it's very difficult if you have never suffered from bad anxiety to understand what it's like.

I was in a very loving relationship when I was at my worst. He did stuff like this. He thought it would help.

Op really, get some support. You can change this with help.

Go on the anxiety.co.uk website for resources.