I know this sounds hideously ungrateful but..

[user109842]

Dh has bought me (extravagant) birthday presents knowing that I really dislike things like that. We've been together years. He knows me inside out so why has he done it? If I say then he'll get in a huff, though if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd want to know. If I don't say, then I'll have to suppress huge panic attacks. Wwyd?

My first guess was spa day.

I suffer with anxiety, OP, and was given a spa day voucher for my birthday. I dreaded it, but went, anyway, and actually had a nice time. The build-up is always so much worse.

doesn't sound ungrateful at all. Presents should be what the recipient wants, not what the giver wants to give.

If someone gave me a spa day I'd just not go.I realise they are popular but to me they feel beyond pointless,and I don't have so much spare time that I'm happy to spend a whole day in something I don't want to do.
If I had anxiety about going,then even more would I not be going.
And while I can see your DH might feel the pros of a city break would outweigh your fear ,the spa day does seem idiotic.

When I was given a spa day voucher for a birthday I thought "wtf? I'm not a spa day person at all!". I wasn't anxious but I just didn't think I'd enjoy it. I dislike massages and I thought I'd be bored. Well, I went and I have to admit I loved it and have done it again since. You don't have to have a treatment (even if it's included in the price), just spend the day swimming and reading and have a nice lunch. There's often a gym too if you prefer something more active?

The city break is trickier. I'm not sure what to suggest tbh. There are courses available to help people over their fear of flying but I guess you haven't got time to do one before Thursday.

I hate flying, and when I had to fly to Venice for something I got xanax from my doctor. He said it was better than valium as it left the system faster. I found it wonderful - half a tablet and I didn't care if the plane plummeted out of the sky.

Or, he could take someone else, like his mum or brother, on the city break.

Just pretend to go spa or go and have a facial then tell them you feel ill and go, he doesn’t need to know but make it clear once was enough.
City break - can you take a train?

Tell him no. He can’t make you go to anything. And the money is spent now, whether you go or not. Perhaps if you dig your heels in, he will understand he is wasting his money and distressing you and bloody well stop! I feel for you, a city break would be fun for me but I would detest a spa day, I hate being touched by people I don’t know.

So do you never fly?

Spa day go,, take a book, have a nice lunch. Tell yourslf you'll just go for an hour or so. You can leave at any time. Nobody is judging you.

City break. Read up on things there that interest you. Use rescue remedy for the flight. Focus on surrounding people or listen to music.

I used to suffer terribly but the more you make yourself do, the more you can do.

Get some support for this OP. Anxiety is so life sapping.

Oh and your DH is just trying to help. He can't really know how it feels.

OK, spa day. Think, and think again, that these masseurs/euses have seen it all. Think of very old crinky skin, people farting (happens a lot as you relax), people who don't wash... honestly, my friend is a masseuse and she says that like a doctor, she couldn't care less about the body itself, she knew they would come in all form and shapes when she trained, and as a matter of fact, she says that massaging someone with more fat is more enjoyable to her. Discuss the products and make it clear you are allergic, they are used to this.

Body conscious because of the others there? Who cares about them. Honestly, if you let it, you can really make it an enjoyable experience.

Flying, well I'm totally with you on that one as I have a total phobia that has been there for 20 years. I didn't fly for 10 years until I met my OH. We both love travelling and always wanted to see other places, so I had to tackle that flying issue. I cannot tell you all the stories we have of my flying experience... from almost not getting on a plane because I overdid the drink before (I never drink!) to saying inappropriate things (nothing rude and taken well, but still embarrassing afterwards) to bursting in tears getting on the plane in front of everyone. I'm doing it though, with help of some magic pills and it's got less bad each time. I've even done long hauls. Ironically, I'm flying in a few hours, had the usual nightmares before, really really don't want to, but I know I'll be ok and it will be sooooo worth it when I get there. I can't imagine ever enjoying flying, or being relaxed, but I care get to the point of bearing it and that will do. You can do it!

If it was lounging by a pool with a book that'd be fine but he's booked three specific treatments for me. I've googled them and they're like an hour each. Wtf. I'm due my period too. Great.

Fuck off the spa day, just don't go, and talk to him about the city break.

Obviously he wants to do these things and you're not in a place where you can manage it. So needs to be some talking about how to address it going forward.

The spa break I would refuse to go on. Money spent or not. See if you can find someone who might want to pay you something for it to maybe reduce your losses.

The city break I am more torn on. I don't think he should have bought this for yoy as it is a bit coercive. However when I met DH he was terrified of flying and I did say that I would things never being able to go abroad together very difficult. He agreed to a holiday which involved a flight in our early years together. He was very frightened but did it. Over the following 18 years he has flown quite a bit though he still dislikes it really
In that time he has used a number of things to help of the fear gets bad -agebeta blockers from the doctor, did some hypnotherapy and a course for fear of flying.

Cancel the treatments. Tell him you'd rather spend the time relaxing by the pool and you don't want the treatments. You can still go to the spa though.

What are the treatments? I'm not keen on treatments like massages, facials etc but I do have regular appointments for things like gel nails and brows. Could you switch for things like that where you know exactly what will happen ands it's more straightforward, less contact etc

If you're not honest, he'll buy you a Spa day for every birthday for the rest of your life.

Why is it preferable to make yourself ill with anxiety than him being in a "huff"? Is his temper that bad?

And are you receiving any treatment for your anxiety? It's restricting your life badly. Do you go out much at all?

Okay have you had a spa day before and hated it?
If so then very dumb on his part,if not just go. Realistically you can walk in look around decide its crap and leave without getting changed. Alternativly you might go think hmm this actually looks good and enjoy it. You wont know untill you try. Also trying things alone means no one you know will be around to see your reaction its just about you and exploring your own boundries.

City break: can swap it for a location that doesnt involve flying?
if you yruely cant face the plane tell him you dont want to ruin his fun and suggest he turn it into a lads weekend so he knows for next time that such a gift is not about you.
It doesnt sound as selfish as other people have suggested just a bit lacking in insight which to be fair most people are guilty of at times.

Some people don't get the concept of 'punishment presents'

How are things around being able to go out with friends or getting time for yourself?

Explain to the Spa and get the therapies changed. Go and come back refreshed with nice toenails.

Definitely do the weekend away. Go to your GP, read self help books. It is fabulous waking up in some other part of the world.

What is it about flying that makes people phobic? It's my "stronger" friends that all get twitchy on planes. Is it different if you fly yourself?.

I’m not a spa day person either, but I could go with reading by the pool and being fed cake. Are there any treatments you’d prefer? They might swap them if you asked. Or just don’t have the treatment, he’ll never know. I would say go and see you what you think. You can leave if you don’t like it.

I also despise flying. I do it as I want to get places, but it’s not an enjoyable experience. Definitely see your gp and see if they can prescribe medication to help.

He is very selfish.

Are you honest with him about your anxiety at all? Bottling all this up will make it ten times worse.

The first step I would think is to tell him how you're feeling about the day out/ city break; the particular parts that scare you and why you're feeling like this. Then if you do decide to go, he can be supportive and perhaps offer ways to make this easier for you.

Being completely honest with him will be a huge weight off for you.

Attempting to go on the city break, and trying to put on an act that you're grateful and happy and trying to suppress your panic atttacks without telling him what's going on will contribute to your anxiety.

I don't agree that he's selfish or using this as a "punishment". Unless there's a huge backstory of him being abusive or manipulative?

If your anxiety is a relatively new thing then he's probably desperate to get back to how things were. It's misguided but I don't think you're being honest with him about your condition.
Does he know you have a phobia of flying for example?

Just as a suggestion for the future, would you perhaps consider hypnotherapy for the flying phobia? My DH had it for a needle phobia and it was really helpful. It's obviously too late for this trip, but might be a plan for moving forward. I agree I would find it frustrating to not be able to fly to places if my other half didn't want to. But I would try to find ways to help make it easier for them/us, not just book something so they are effectively forced into it. You need to be honest with him how much these things are affecting you.