Help - is there any other reason? Possible hook ups with men

[futurefallingapart]

Name changed, occasional poster, regular reader. Sorry if this is long and incoherent (also typing fast as don't have long so apologies for any typos)

Background for context

LTR not married
OH Bi sexual - knew from start - very honest about past - fine. Explained as just a sexual thing, previous relationships all been with women.
2 children - 1 primary school 1 pre school
Own house together
Relationship - apart from normal ups and downs, lovely lifestyle, great friends and family, very social together, financially secure (well apart from the £200k savings he has in his sole savings account) lots of holiday etc
1 occasion of infidelity on his part early in the relationship, not affair just one off, split for a while, he had counselling, decided to get back together as honestly very happy, he did all the right things, complete access to phone, email etc etc
We live around 1hr from where his family and business are

Anyway came home earlier than planned this morning, as I walked in to bedroom OH had jumped up and was making the bed (this was around 9am - own business no set hours). Rolled my eyes and thought he was either 1. Relieving himself or 2. Being lazy and felt bad.

Anyway his phone had fallen on the floor, he didn't see I'd spotted this and he got straight in shower.

I looked.

Last thing he'd done was been on a call to someone but it had been deleted. (Swiped up and could see call log but when I actually went in there, no calls).

So I checked his phone bill. Not done this for years. I don't care if that means I 'snooped'.

Couldn't get the call/calls from today but over the last 6 months (all I managed to download before he was out of shower) there was a few numbers that looked odd - only called at certain days, short calls etc not every day but regular enough. Just had a feeling.

Managed to locate one owner through Facebook.

Single gay man, 20 years older than us, lives and owns a Business in OH home/business town. Has a fab guys account where he advertises a 'glory hole' 3 days a week.

There is NO reason why my OH would be calling this guy. Not remotely work related, not an old friend, not someone his family knows etc

He's calling him for hook ups isn't he? It would be completely plausible for him to visit that area as his business is located there, as are his family.

I feel sick and I don't know what to do. He adores our children and swore he would never do this again. I made it very clear that there would be no future chances. He is very against at what he calls being a 'part time Dad' and would hate to not live with the children. We socialise together, sex life has lows and high (as with small children) but it always good, experimental, passionate.

We've been taking about getting married next year and having another baby. We are planning major expensive work to our house

I'm trying to think of excuses. Maybe he's an old friend I don't know about, maybe this, maybe that. There isn't though is there? It's black and white.

Not only fucking up our lives together it would be awful if we separated, Our families are very close, his business and my job are linked, we share all the same friends. Why has he done this???????

I feel sick, I can't eat, I honestly don't know what to do? Do I call him out now? Do I wait and find out some more info? Do I bury my head in the sand and get myself financially secure. (I work and with his maintenance and benefits I could afford to stay in the house, I would just like some money behind me. As stated 'our' savings are in his account)

Help please I have no one to talk to this in real life. I don't know what to do, I'm gutted.

Are you giving anything away though in interaction, are you shorter, has the way you look and talk to him changed? Silly things like this to a guilty person are enough to put them on edge.

I’m in this situation financially because I actually did trust him to do the right thing.

I have to do this for my kids. Poor babies. I looked at them this morning and it hurt so bad. What a let down their father is. And I will make that clear to him.

Baby’s fallen asleep now so will put him down the make the calls before I go out. WIl update. Hoping I can get appointments quite soon for solicitors and clinic.

Can you log into his online banking and transfer half the £200k from his savings into yours?

Alternatively, plead with him about the building work being paid from savings rather than a loan. Tell him his withholding the cash makes you suspicious he doesn't love/trust you.

Lastly you could try creating a false invoice from the builder with your account details on for payment in advance of the build.

Open a new bank account if you have to.

The bastard has been financially abusing you for years while he has whittled away his own nest egg.

The way I read all this is that you and the kids are the cover story, the big pretence that he is a normal, high achieving family man.

You need to use your knowledge of his seedy preferences as power over him when the shit hits the fan.

The minute you let that golden nugget of information out the bag to his friends and family he's got nothing more to lose and will turn into the biggest arsehole ever.

Thanks minipie good idea I will tread carefully with his parents.

I hope not Mila. We’ve not had too much interaction since I’ve been back from school as builder was here and he’s been in his office since. Think he’s leaving at around 11.30

fallingat40 I have access to his online banking but I don’t think I’d easily be able to transfer £100k over without getting in to serious trouble with the law!

I think you’re right. And I think deep down that’s what he wants. Normal family etc. But he can’t fucking help himself. Even the potential of losing his beautiful children can’t stop him. He’s sick.

I don’t mean I’d use them against him, I mean as I’m not living with them and missing out on so much. Our little one is almost 2 so learning new things everyday. Because he works from home he gets to see a lot of this. Not any more sunshine!

And I thought of another bonus. Only 3 more mornings of cleaning his shit away from the toilet bowl.

Him not living with them! Not me. Christ not me!!!

We’re meant to be away this weekend with friends. Lovely hotel, treatments booked, evening dinner etc. Was really looking forward to it. Even bought a new dress.

Blackmail is illegal and rarely turns out well for either parties. (He'll probably have it in the back of his mind anyway).

Re the £100K, you can tell him you want your money back regardless - in the heat of the moment and in response to your strength/resolve and even to prove his "reasonableness" he may agree - though as OP says its unlikely.

Focus on you and your lovely kids and the happy future life that beckons free from all this one day soon.

OP given your earnings wouldn't it be more tax effective if those savings were in your name? Find out. If so, that is your justification for moving it.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

@futurefallingapart I am so sorry to read this. It does sound like you are getting things in order to separate and I think no ,alter what he says the desire for him must be too much to ignore. Good luck x

Re the £200k, I think it would be treated as a civil matter rather than a criminal investigation.

If he phoned the police to report it I'm 99% certain he'd be told it was civil and to consult a lawyer.

Perhaps you could ask the question?

I really think 6 months down the line when your new reality is becoming harder and he's swanning round with his cash, nice cars and businesses and managed to keep /manipulate all the joint friends & family into supporting him as he's 'gay' the rage will kick in and you'll wish you'd took every penny you could when you had the chance.

Make sure you've got all your ducks in a row. Don't rush into anything. He's got enough money to pay for very good legal advice etc.

So sorry you're going through this

He's manipulative, a liar etc. but also sick in some way, it must be awful to live that way .

Op

See a solicitor about what? You aren’t married so.........as it stands it’s whats yours is yours and what’s his is his. CSA and benefits are yours.

I can’t believe you are sitting on this information.

Imo the guy is clearly gay and in the closet.

He sounds as tight as they come.

Go and blow his world up. Horrible selfish man, bringing children into his world, so he can keep up his public persona and please his family!

Oh and definitely take the 10k!

Right I’ve managed to get an appointment with a solicitor next Wednesday. I have 4 locally and that’s the quickest out of all of them.

I don’t think I can wait until after then though. Argh. Especially as if have to go through a weekend without the kids away on the pretence that everything is ‘normal’. If it was a normal weekend it might be different.

On hold to STI clinic and then to call my mum

Can’t get tested for 2 weeks since last unprotected sex so appointment will be 27th June.

You're doing so well OP. I would also say hold fire til you've spoken to a solicitor - you need to get your ducks in a row.

Might be useful: www.ommlaw.co.uk/prepare-first-meeting-divorce-solicitor/

I would consider a detective to confirm your suspicions. I know you have enough information (phone calls, locations) to make them sound but I’d rather have solid proof he’s been a dick as when he is exposed he’ll turn nasty, likely deny it and create a story about you. He will feel very threatened when his real life is exposed if what you believe has been going in is true.

I think you need to tell him the game is up by Friday at the very latest.

Even that will be hard - it's still a long way off and mentally it will be really hard for you.

Oh god, so annoying about the solicitor not being free until next week AND youre meant to be going away together this weekend!! Ideally you want to speak with solicitor before him, but then you miss your good opportunity to kick him out and have to pretend all weekend that everything's fine.

The fact you aren't married means there's not much to agree though, right? Or am I wrong? What's yours is yours, what's his is his, and the house is owned jointly so will be split jointly. Considering you say you are financially comfortable on your own and have some support from your parents hypothetically, I'd be tempted to stick with the plan of booting him out Friday while he's away, then see the solicitor for anything else s/he can advise in terms of the house, visitation etc. He'll be so gobsmacked and scared on Friday then will have the whole weekend of closed offices so won't be much further ahead of you on the legal front.... But maybe I'm wrong, it's just my thinking.

Is it a lawyer who specialises in family law? A general solicitor won't be any use.

What a horrendous situation OP. Keep your head, stay as calm as you possibly can. I would cry off the weekend saying that you are ill and use the time wisely. I wouldn't let anything slip until you have everything quietly sorted (personally I would take the money from the house and savings, not use it and if it does get to court give it back because it may not get that far). But that's just me. As tempting as an emotional, triumphant show down may seem, it will feel hollow and pointless if you suffer further down the road. Do not reveal your hand until you need to. I would use the money as leverage. Boot him out and promise not to reveal to his family and friends the real reasons why if he let's you keep the money / house. He seems deep in the closet, that is definitely leverage. Don't get even, get everything.

Can I just point out, that marrying at this point, would do you no good anyway. I know you said you wouldn't (obviously), but thought it was worth mentioning.....assets/money etc, are all split on the basis of "apportioned to the period of the marriage", so you'd need to be married for years and years, before you reaped any benefit. People who think you can get married today, and then leave next week with half of his money & pension, are ill advised.

Re the £200k, personally I think I would transfer half of it into your account. You are never going to have this opportunity again, as he will change all the passwords when you separate.

Previous posters who advised you to never rely on him being fair, when you tell him you are separating are absolutely correct. My cheating Ex played very dirty once he knew the gig was up. He did things I would have sworn he'd never, ever do.

This man will not be your friend when he knows what's happening. In fact, you will think he's your enemy. I can't stress this enough. So get copies of his salary (for CMS). And btw, you DO include bonuses when you calculate Child Maintenance. So, make a copy of his wage slip for the end of the tax year 17/18, showing his full annual income. My Ex was a great Dad when we were together, and yet upon me leaving he tried to get away with paying no child support, because he saw that as him "funding my lifestyle".

What I'd do: Gather your proof, see your solicitor, get other financial stuff going then just tell him you want a separation and you want him to leave. Tell him you know he's been contacting male and female sex workers and that you have proof elsewhere.

Then explain that you want a fair division of the assets and that if he's prepared to be fair and give you [insert fair terms that you want, as advised by your solicitor] and work with you in protecting the children as best you can from the fallout, and in return, you won't go into the specific of who he cheated with to the wider family.

Yes it's shitty to leverage him in this way but fuck him. He gave no thought to your sexual health with his extra curricular activities. At least if you are gunning for a fair share of the assets, you are doing it for a noble reason unlike him.