Help - is there any other reason? Possible hook ups with men

[futurefallingapart]

Name changed, occasional poster, regular reader. Sorry if this is long and incoherent (also typing fast as don't have long so apologies for any typos)

Background for context

LTR not married
OH Bi sexual - knew from start - very honest about past - fine. Explained as just a sexual thing, previous relationships all been with women.
2 children - 1 primary school 1 pre school
Own house together
Relationship - apart from normal ups and downs, lovely lifestyle, great friends and family, very social together, financially secure (well apart from the £200k savings he has in his sole savings account) lots of holiday etc
1 occasion of infidelity on his part early in the relationship, not affair just one off, split for a while, he had counselling, decided to get back together as honestly very happy, he did all the right things, complete access to phone, email etc etc
We live around 1hr from where his family and business are

Anyway came home earlier than planned this morning, as I walked in to bedroom OH had jumped up and was making the bed (this was around 9am - own business no set hours). Rolled my eyes and thought he was either 1. Relieving himself or 2. Being lazy and felt bad.

Anyway his phone had fallen on the floor, he didn't see I'd spotted this and he got straight in shower.

I looked.

Last thing he'd done was been on a call to someone but it had been deleted. (Swiped up and could see call log but when I actually went in there, no calls).

So I checked his phone bill. Not done this for years. I don't care if that means I 'snooped'.

Couldn't get the call/calls from today but over the last 6 months (all I managed to download before he was out of shower) there was a few numbers that looked odd - only called at certain days, short calls etc not every day but regular enough. Just had a feeling.

Managed to locate one owner through Facebook.

Single gay man, 20 years older than us, lives and owns a Business in OH home/business town. Has a fab guys account where he advertises a 'glory hole' 3 days a week.

There is NO reason why my OH would be calling this guy. Not remotely work related, not an old friend, not someone his family knows etc

He's calling him for hook ups isn't he? It would be completely plausible for him to visit that area as his business is located there, as are his family.

I feel sick and I don't know what to do. He adores our children and swore he would never do this again. I made it very clear that there would be no future chances. He is very against at what he calls being a 'part time Dad' and would hate to not live with the children. We socialise together, sex life has lows and high (as with small children) but it always good, experimental, passionate.

We've been taking about getting married next year and having another baby. We are planning major expensive work to our house

I'm trying to think of excuses. Maybe he's an old friend I don't know about, maybe this, maybe that. There isn't though is there? It's black and white.

Not only fucking up our lives together it would be awful if we separated, Our families are very close, his business and my job are linked, we share all the same friends. Why has he done this???????

I feel sick, I can't eat, I honestly don't know what to do? Do I call him out now? Do I wait and find out some more info? Do I bury my head in the sand and get myself financially secure. (I work and with his maintenance and benefits I could afford to stay in the house, I would just like some money behind me. As stated 'our' savings are in his account)

Help please I have no one to talk to this in real life. I don't know what to do, I'm gutted.

his payslips are now password protected due to fucking GDPR so I can’t access those

date of birth is a common one for this :/

Another vote not to bother about his parents. Been there, and I got the "you werent giving him attention" line. Could have killed the woman with my bare hands.

passwords norm have to have a capital and numbers nowadays...hope he gets every shit coming his way..mainly for how sly and sleazy he has been while you have sat there keeping shit together..selfish ...
Dont ever feel sorry for him after the double life this saddo has led behund yours n dcs back and the potential flipping danger he could have put you un sexual but he wants a marriage n another kid the fucking joker..i feel like slapping him for you.
Dont trust his parent's either im telling you..my xdp parent's just stopped after a year with dcs but tbf they did it with xdp brothers wife when that prick cheated and cut their grandkids off after years of doting on them.
I know it will be so hard but plan something tomorrow night if you can to take your mind off and i know it sounds petty but i would rub hot pepper in his boxers..only slightly but on all of them so he thinks he caught something.

oh i agree with pp, rub the chillies on his boxers then when he starts panicing - you havent got anything so surely he must be ok

The payslips that are password protected if on email probably have his national insurance number as password.

Oh god op, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

You’re doing so well, stay strong. Your kids are lucky to have you x

*In article below it says "Rules do exist which allow a single parent to request a ‘variation’ to the standard child maintenance formula in this situation, and take account of ‘unearned income’ and income diverted elsewhere"

blogs.lse.ac.uk/politicsandpolicy/self-employed-status-child-maintenance-evasion/.

But that possibility is all in the future for OP ...

Early in the thread the OP did some calculations and worked out she would manage OK. She also has somewhere to live. And family support. I think future said she might even be better off (partner's high living expenses and "savings" perhaps).

I think Freaky has made v good points. One possibility is that you could always tell people / including his parents that you found out he was unfaithful with various people over a long period of time.

Save your main energy to focus on the positive things you need to do, for yourself and your children.*

She made reference to CSA amounts being included in that figure, so she might (will) be in for a bit of a shock when it happens.

You can request a variation, but playing devils advocate, he's going to be savvy enough if the CSA comes knocking to sit on the dividends in his company bank accounts until they go away again.

The short answer is, you need to consider if he's going to be an arse about this, you face the very real prospect of him not contributing much, if anything at all to the welfare of his children, especially if he's being called out & blackmailed, as some have suggested.

Good luck and go
You
Kick his sorry arse
Out what a twat !

I'm really sorry, what a horrible surprise. It's less the bisexuality and more the lying and cheating that's the major problem!

Have you got a contingency plan for any of the links you mentioned between your job and his business?

Just sending you kind thoughts

With regard to the extension...you could use that to prove the joint savings.
Drop him a message (text, email, however you might contact each other normally), and say you've been thinking about borrowing, we should really be using our joint savings as it's looking likely interest rates will rise in the longer term, didn't you say there was almost £250K (or some figure higher than you've previously discussed) in there now?
He of course will dispute the figure and cite some lower figure nearer that you've perviously discussed (even though likely there is even more in there), but he won't dispute the 'joint'.

Sending thoughts and luck for Friday OP

Yes, agree with trying national insurance number for password. My employers have used this.

You poor thing .. sending 💕
Just prioritise your STI check .. you will feel stronger when that is done .. do not marry him . That would be madness and leave you tied to the pig

Quantumblue ... you read my mind .. I couldn't come up with the right wording !

Just stopping back in to say well done for holding it together, what a bloody awful situation. Bite your tongue, pace yourself and trust your instincts. You got this!

hey future, not much replies today - thinking of you, hopeyour ok

OP

My heart goes out to you OP. You must be physically and emotionally exhausted. Please remember that all this shall pass and a year from now you will be in a better place.

In the meantime for you.

Even his savings? They are his. Sounds like he knew the writing was in the wall hence ring fencing his money

YY to this MellieGrant

He knew all along that he would eventually ride off into the sunset with his 200K.

I think deep down men like this are narcissists bordering on psychopaths. Their motto is 'Me, Myself, and I'. And also 'F*ck Everyone Else'.

Ragingmentalist
...from an 'earnings' perspective, he is actually earning £10,800 PA. Your child support/maintenance/etc payments will be based on that, NOT including the dividends. There is literally nothing you can do about this, it's perfectly legal & above board, no matter how good your solicitor is.

Indeed.

Narcissist bordering on psychopath.

(This is why I kept my powder dry until my own exH had a verifiable income and was no longer self employed.)

It's just mind blowing to think people can be so two-faced. How can he live like that?

@mathanxiety i agree - definitely an element of anti social PD.

This isnt pure narcissism.

Also just wanted to say i wish other posters wouldnt advise cheap tricks like rubbing chilli on his underwear.

I dont see how that is supportive - OP needs all the support she can get to keep her strength and focus for leaving this relationship , as financially and emotionally secure as she can.

Apologies for my absence. I’ve had an afternoon of getting more ducks in a row whilst he’s been out. Then he’s been hanging around me all evening keep asking whata wrong. We’re in bed now he’s gone blissfully straight to sleep. Another sleepless night for me I imagine.

Not read the recent posts properly so will do this tomorrow

Thank you xx

I remember all too well the sleepless nights. Don't dismiss the idea of popping to the GP for support at such a difficult time.

I remember barely being able to eat or drink either, stomach in knots. But try to eat/drink something even if just snacks - that might be easier for now.