Help - is there any other reason? Possible hook ups with men

[futurefallingapart]

Name changed, occasional poster, regular reader. Sorry if this is long and incoherent (also typing fast as don't have long so apologies for any typos)

Background for context

LTR not married
OH Bi sexual - knew from start - very honest about past - fine. Explained as just a sexual thing, previous relationships all been with women.
2 children - 1 primary school 1 pre school
Own house together
Relationship - apart from normal ups and downs, lovely lifestyle, great friends and family, very social together, financially secure (well apart from the £200k savings he has in his sole savings account) lots of holiday etc
1 occasion of infidelity on his part early in the relationship, not affair just one off, split for a while, he had counselling, decided to get back together as honestly very happy, he did all the right things, complete access to phone, email etc etc
We live around 1hr from where his family and business are

Anyway came home earlier than planned this morning, as I walked in to bedroom OH had jumped up and was making the bed (this was around 9am - own business no set hours). Rolled my eyes and thought he was either 1. Relieving himself or 2. Being lazy and felt bad.

Anyway his phone had fallen on the floor, he didn't see I'd spotted this and he got straight in shower.

I looked.

Last thing he'd done was been on a call to someone but it had been deleted. (Swiped up and could see call log but when I actually went in there, no calls).

So I checked his phone bill. Not done this for years. I don't care if that means I 'snooped'.

Couldn't get the call/calls from today but over the last 6 months (all I managed to download before he was out of shower) there was a few numbers that looked odd - only called at certain days, short calls etc not every day but regular enough. Just had a feeling.

Managed to locate one owner through Facebook.

Single gay man, 20 years older than us, lives and owns a Business in OH home/business town. Has a fab guys account where he advertises a 'glory hole' 3 days a week.

There is NO reason why my OH would be calling this guy. Not remotely work related, not an old friend, not someone his family knows etc

He's calling him for hook ups isn't he? It would be completely plausible for him to visit that area as his business is located there, as are his family.

I feel sick and I don't know what to do. He adores our children and swore he would never do this again. I made it very clear that there would be no future chances. He is very against at what he calls being a 'part time Dad' and would hate to not live with the children. We socialise together, sex life has lows and high (as with small children) but it always good, experimental, passionate.

We've been taking about getting married next year and having another baby. We are planning major expensive work to our house

I'm trying to think of excuses. Maybe he's an old friend I don't know about, maybe this, maybe that. There isn't though is there? It's black and white.

Not only fucking up our lives together it would be awful if we separated, Our families are very close, his business and my job are linked, we share all the same friends. Why has he done this???????

I feel sick, I can't eat, I honestly don't know what to do? Do I call him out now? Do I wait and find out some more info? Do I bury my head in the sand and get myself financially secure. (I work and with his maintenance and benefits I could afford to stay in the house, I would just like some money behind me. As stated 'our' savings are in his account)

Help please I have no one to talk to this in real life. I don't know what to do, I'm gutted.

Make sure he can't check what you're posting about - he obviously isn't bothering at the moment, because the shit hasn't hit the fan yet. But it might be an idea to change all your own passwords now, to email accounts and websites like this one.

I think men can compartmentalise their lives much more easily than women. My ex said "but it had absolutely nothing to do with you" when I sobbed about how could he have been so disloyal. I was alos deeply ashamed because I thought nobody would believe what a shit he was, and that it reflected on me for being inadequate in some way. Since joining MN I've realised every second poster on here has had it a lot worse than I did, bad as he was he was never financially abusive, and only wanted the best for his children, even if he's so fucked-up that he doesn't know how to relate properly to them now they're adults.

Keep strong 💐

I think you should consider memorising/writing down when/where his hooks up took place. I say this as when you tell him you know his dirty little secret, he’ll deny then minimise it. By doing the above, hopefully it will put a stop to his bare faced lies.

Stay strong

So sorry you're going through this, I too think it sounds like he's got a sex addiction. Still no excuse to treat you this way. My heart goes out to you and the children. You will get through this

At least take your money out of the account, while you can still transfer. He may demand it back but it's easier said than done, particularly if he's given you access.

Don't expect his parents to side with you against him.

The thought that you might tell them may have some sway over him. Once you tell them, then he will have nothing to fear.

And his parents may even be angry with you for telling them.

If you keep up appearances with them by not telling them any of the dirt, he may be motivated to maintain that.

Be really careful re the £200k. It's unlikely that you'll be able to do a straight transfer of £100k without any additional security checks; leaving aside whether you have any legal right to do so if you're not married.

Re financials. I can’t find any P60 and his payslips are now password protected due to fucking GDPR so I can’t access those. I have bank statements which show £900 salary and £5k dividends. I also have his tax return for the last financial year which shows bonuses. Would that be ok?

You are going to find yourself in a sticky situation here.

If it's his business, he's maximising his tax avoidance here, by basically paying himself the minimum wage, and paying the rest in dividends (all perfectly legal).

Unfortunately for you however, it means from an 'earnings' perspective, he is actually earning £10,800 PA. Your child support/maintenance/etc payments will be based on that, NOT including the dividends. There is literally nothing you can do about this, it's perfectly legal & above board, no matter how good your solicitor is.

Did you mention that some of the money is yours? At least transfer that amount out as once he realises what's happening it will be too late. If he's given you passwords etc it's very hard for him to prove it's not a legitimate transaction. Easier to apologise than ask permission!

This couple aren’t married unless the law has changed I don’t understand why op needs the low down on his finances?

She’s entitled to CSA and her share of the family home but nothing else?

Even his savings? They are his. Sounds like he knew the writing was in the wall hence ring fencing his money

I've been following this thread since you first posted. I've nothing to add to the brilliant advice you have already been given but wanted to say I'm thinking of you. You are amazing and I'm in awe of how well you are dealing with this.

I would agree with what some other posters have said about keeping quiet about his sexual deviances (for now), especially to his parents, I know from my own experience that he will probably, very easily, change everything around and make you the bad person in all of this mess and because they're his parents, they will believe him over you. Hence keeping all the sex stuff to yourself for now to give yourself a bit of leverage if necessary.

Take care

Be wary of his parents.

ExMIL told me she’d never forgive ExH when he abandoned me during pregnancy, that she’d always want to see her DGD, would pay child support if he wouldn’t and would help me in anyway - basically fill the gap her son left.

She didn’t. She hasn’t seen DD since she was a newborn and now she’s a toddler.

Despite her son being a lazy, scrounging, alcoholic who stole from her, trashed her house, almost ruined her relationship, lies constantly - she sided with him.

Have to agree with PP, do NOT assume that his parents will side with you. Blood is always thicker than water.

I was with my ExH for 20 years. I was the perfect wife and daughter-in-law, and we had a fantastic relationship. When they found out, that I was leaving their son, because he had cheated with up to TEN women, they never spoke to me again. Not one word. After 20 fucking years. The reason? Their son had "been having a bit of fun", whereas I was "breaking up a family". I shit you not. And they were devout Catholics too.

None of my SIL's ever spoke to me again either. After 20 years of close friendship.

Make NO assumptions about who will be "on your side". It's likely to be your own family only.

Why the hell is he doing 4 short calls in a short time frame, do you think? Is he bottling it or being disturbed by kids and hanging up? Or do you think it's the phone calls he's getting off on? For me, making the calls would in itself be enough to LTB, but is there a chance he's getting his kicks from arranging to see someone but not actually following through? The phone bill patterns are strange (but then I can't claim to be an expert in such behaviour so who knows!)

CardinalCat my guess is that he kept getting the answer phone and let it go to the end of the message in the hope the recipient would pick up.

He could also have been getting information in each call - he may have transferred money into the account of the callgirl. I suspect he will have another bank account he uses to pay for these types of things. Can you check if money leaves his bank account on the same day as the liaisons that you are aware of?

Yep, totally, totally agree with previous posters about not trusting him to do the right thing and not trusting his family to stick by you. He has already betrayed you in the worst possible way and shown himself to be monumentally selfish - do not underestimate what he is capable of when it comes to money and kids. I would advise being squeaky clean in real life - don't risk doing anything illegal with his bank accounts, don't try blackmailing him, don't badmouth him to the kids or his family. Vent here or to your family or friends. Be careful about looking at phone bills etc any more now too - there comes a point where looking for more detail just gets more and more painful and you don't gain anything from it. Only try and find out anything more if you think it's going to help you.

You need to get really hard-hearted right now and focus on doing the right thing for you and your kids. You are doing so amazingly well so far and your mum sounds brilliant too!

Try and look after yourself. Tea and biscuits are fantastic when you are stressed and can't face anything else. You will feel better for eating and drinking, I promise. And this is the worst bit. It's hideous - I remember it so well. But it is temporary and you will get through it.

I’m here and I’m listening. Thank you all.

I will update as soon as I can I am just trying to get everything sorted.

Take care, Future - I'm thinking of you and sending positive thoughts.

@ragingmentalist - this is the kind of tax avoidance the IR is keen to crack down on at the moment so would it be worth the OP contacting the IR?

Wishing you luck for Friday op

@ragingmentalist - this is the kind of tax avoidance the IR is keen to crack down on at the moment so would it be worth the OP contacting the IR?

In short, no, it would a pointless waste of your time & their resource, as it's all perfectly legal & above board - just playing the system.

They are trying to tighten the laws around it, but not getting anywhere at the moment.

It's not illegal to take money from the company in that way.. but I'm pretty sure they csa look at the tax return so both salary and dividends

You're doing so well waiting until Friday, I would've cracked by now!

And with the savings, wouldn't he be willing to give you some in order to keep his secret safe, not suggesting blackmail just an understanding between the two of you

In article below it says "Rules do exist which allow a single parent to request a ‘variation’ to the standard child maintenance formula in this situation, and take account of ‘unearned income’ and income diverted elsewhere"

blogs.lse.ac.uk/politicsandpolicy/self-employed-status-child-maintenance-evasion/.

But that possibility is all in the future for OP ...

Early in the thread the OP did some calculations and worked out she would manage OK. She also has somewhere to live. And family support. I think future said she might even be better off (partner's high living expenses and "savings" perhaps).

I think Freaky has made v good points. One possibility is that you could always tell people / including his parents that you found out he was unfaithful with various people over a long period of time.

Save your main energy to focus on the positive things you need to do, for yourself and your children.

Personally, I would be wary of getting into "deals". Hold your head high. Being resolute and assured and straightforward might be the best way to go.