Evening Babes!
Tis me, Mouse.** 😊
WARNING - GIANT POST ALERT!
Anxiety. It's horrific, frightening and feels like only YOU CAN FEEL IT 😢
When I first got onto Gerald (The Battle Bus!), I was too terrified to be honest. With the Babes and myself.
I asked "How much is too much?" (alcohol)
The reply went something like this - If you have to ask, you're drinking too much. And of course that was true but I wasn't quite ready to face my demons. I'd always self medicated using alcohol, whether it be a big event, meeting new people, stress, travelling, change, feeling down and wanting to be 'happy' ......... You name it, I drank just to get through it. Vodka was my poison of choice. Less chance of being caught out with a can of Diet Coke topped with vodka, much easier to conceal than a bottle of wine.
I just didn't know what else I could do so that I'd get past my nerves, anxiety and memories of the horrendous abusive relationship that I had been in, which still haunted me...... I was afraid of myself and how much I could drink and yet still function 'normally'. Except I knew that all I was doing was adding fuel to the fire. A fire that had to be put out!
The anxiety I felt at just the very thought of giving up drinking was so intense that I'd always start again next week, or the next Monday. Always tomorrow.
It wasn't until I had some routine bloods taken, that I truly understood the gravity of my situation. My liver is very badly scared from drinking, the markers in my blood were sky high and my liver function test was extremely poor.
"Diagnosis typically relies on laboratory tests of three liver enzymes: gamma–glutamyltransferase (GGT), aspartate aminotransferase (AST), and alanine aminotransferase (ALT). An elevated level of the liver enzyme GGT is another gauge of heavy alcohol use and liver injury."
That was a section of text in a leaflet that my GP gave me when he requested to see me urgently once my bloods were back. At first I thought he wanted to discuss something completely unrelated to my level of alcohol consumption but no. My skin was already showing signs of Jaundice, my eyes were constantly blood shot, my hair was dry, my nails brittle and breaking off, plus my complexion was changing before my eyes. The more I drank, The more ill I looked. That wasn't my wake up call.......
It wasn't until I'd gotten drunk one night and tried to pick Nemo up. He has Complex Special Needs and was only a baby, not even a year old and there was I trying to pick him up to soothe him, but Mr. Mouse managed to get there before me thankfully and told me a few pretty tough home truths, that made me realise just how sick I was. Knowing that I could have dropped him, fallen with him in my arms, THAT was my wake up call, my rock bottom. ☹️
I felt ashamed, embarrassed, terrified and utterly lost. That was the last time that I was drunk.
Nemo is 9 now and I can honestly say, finding another crutch as such, was the most frightening thing to me. But, with the support of my husband and GP, I did.
Distraction is my new weapon. I'm now extremely happy to be able to say "No thank you" as the wine gets passed around the table, or I can go out (once in a blue moon!) and not feel the need to drink to suppress what was really going on inside my head. Yes, my demons are still in my life, but I'm in a much stronger position to take back the control of my life now. I say if I would like a drink or not. I decide when I've had enough (which is 2/3 drinks over the course of an evening, rather than half a bottle of vodka BEFORE I even left the house!) and I decide what I drink too, which is usually a nice chilled fruit cider at 4.0% ABV as opposed to vodka, weighing in at 30+% ABV.
I hope that you don't think that I'm bragging about how I managed to take back the control over my drinking, I'm really not. Yes, I still get anxious and yes there are still utterly shite days when I want to hit the F&@K IT button and go to the shop but those episodes are way fewer and further apart than they've ever been, and I can honestly say that I've never regretted taking back control of my life for my own sake, and for that of my family. 😊
When anxiety attacks now, I use Mindfulness techniques to help calm me down and for me, that works!
So hang in there Babes, I know how hard going without a drink for even a minute can be when the cravings hit, or the washer breaks, or they don't have the brand of shampoo I use........
The little things all add up and before you know it, you've convinced yourself that "You've earned" a drink or seven because of X, Y, and Z. If you want to drink, you will, simply because you can.
There will always be a good reason in your mind to have a drink, at least until you find YOUR own rock bottom. And, because we're all at different stages of cutting down, or stopping completely or even not, and you're still drinking a bottle a night, sometimes more, you really are in the best place! 
At least one Babe on this Bus has been in your shoes right now so ask away! Post your feelings, no matter what's upsetting you enough to abuse alcohol, someone here will be able to relate to YOU, and the reverse. So please don't be worried about posting how much you REALLY drink or when you start etc, there are NO JUDGY PANTS ALLOWED! 😉
This Bus is so versatile that there's always going to be one person who will be nodding along as they read your posts. You CAN do this, with or without outside support (AA, GP etc) but you have to want it more than anything else. ** You have to be completely honest with yourself.
Sending much love to you all, regardless of where you are up to on your journey.
Mouse xxx 😊😊😊