My wife thinks I am having an emotional affair..

[sasuke37]

Hi there, first time I have been on this forum and would really appreciate any advice tips for an issue I am going through.

Me and my wife had our first child 6 weeks ago, a baby boy, it wasn't an easy road and obviously are over the moon but since he was born, our relationship has seen more downs than ups. My mother-in-law has been staying with us, and although she does help a lot, she is very involved generally in our relationship and more so now that our baby is here.

I have a few friends who I speak to from previous employers, there is a girl I used to manage who I actually ended up being good friends with. We message each other regularly, mostly about work for her and work with me and that tends to be it. However, me and my wife had another fallout earlier in the week (we have been having them daily) and I in all my wisdom asked her for her advice. She had been seeing a therapist before about issues she was having so I just first went in and asked her on that, she replied asking if everything was okay, I told her me and my wife have had a tough time of things lately and told her what's been going on. I just want to point out, I never intended for anything to happen, I was merely looking for advice, incase I was missing something. She actually gave really good advice to make me see things in a different way and with all these arguments actually try to look beyond the things you are arguing about, she really did help me see what I needed to do to help improve things with my wife.

My wife wasn't aware I was in touch with this girl, not on purpose, just because I thought it wasn't a point that was worth mentioning. My wife was looking through my phone this morning and saw my conversation thread with her. She said I have been having an emotional affair with this girl, I tried to explain she is a good friend and I was just speaking to her for advice on us, it was never anything more than that. Her 30th birthday is on Saturday and I had a weekend planned with her and our boy, she is casting doubt on that and not speaking to me or really having too much time with our son.

She sent me an article on emotional affiairs, and after reading it, I can understand where she is coming from, I have apologised to her and tried to explain to her with no luck. I guess I am on here to ask if there is a way I can help repair things. I feel like crap, I can only imagine she does as well

I can see why your wife thinks you’re having an EA: firstly, you lied by omission to your wife by not letting her know you’d built up this friendship with an old Co worker. I know in my relationship we’re pretty open about friends we speak to, not to the extent that we know when and what about, but we definitely chat about people we’ve developed friendships with from work. It would be odd to me to have a friendship with an old colleague that my OH knew nothing about, if only because I’d have talked about the colleague at some point, maybe invited him out with my partner and I or something. I’d be a bit suspicious if I found out suddenly that my partner had a coworker close enough to be friends texting outside of work and discussing relationship issues with he had never mentioned.

And secondly, because you’ve confided in this woman about your relationship issues, at a time when you and your wife are going through difficult ups and downs, new baby, wife probably feeling vulnerable, you’ve invited a third party into the difficult bits of your marriage that your wife didn’t even know existed. Was there some reason you didn’t go to a mutual friend, a male friend of yours or a relative to get some advice? Or online? I’d feel it disrespectful if I talked about our relationship problems to another man my OH didn’t even know about.

So I can see why your wife is upset. You’ve gone about this in a pretty shady way.

I think the best way to repair this now is to tell your wife she’s right, it was inappropriate and disrespectful, to end your friendship with this other woman (delete her from social media and block her) and let your wife know you’ve already done that, and invite your wife to read your messages so she can see there was nothing romantic to it. And in the future don’t hide friendships!

Just as a side note, does your Mother in Law being there contribute to the stress between you both right now? Six weeks after the baby is born seems a long time to still have a parent around. You said she’s pretty over involved. Might be time to just get back to you, your wife and child as a family. Focus on your new little family (as I’m sure your wife thinks you should have been doing while you were secretly messaging another woman).

You have a six week old newborn and you're chatting with a female friend and confiding in her? You need to refocus. Let this "friendship" go and concentrate on your new baby.

Thanks for responding. I have profusely apologised and acknowledged to her, I can see why you think I am having an emotional affair and it was merely asking for advice.

I only asked her instead of a male friend or family because I am very conscious of my family and close friends judging her in the wrong way and thinking of her badly. I try to avoid going to them with issues (most I try and work through myself). Going forward, I think speaking to a forum online would be a better shout. I said to my OH this morning, I wanted us to calm down first and then talk through our issues, bearing in mind how things were, I didn't think our conversations would be useful if all we did was yell at each other.

I am not happy with myself at all, I was being naive with how I went about this and fully see where she is coming from in terms of how it looks on face value and the emotional confusion it causes her.

With my mother-in-law, my wife knows that things haven't been easy and I have voiced my frustrations to her. She is due to leave at the end of the month, I think a lot of it comes down to my OH being scared and overly-reliant with her mum. I have been wanting just family time for weeks.

Way to make your wife feel like shit! She's just had a baby and is feeling vulnerable and you choose to talk to another woman about it.
You need to end your friendship with this woman as pp said deletd her off everthing and focus on your new family.
If you need supporf in the future and cannot talk to your wife please donf talk to another female about it 'unless it is your mother or sister'

Well I whole heartedly disagree. The idea of a friendship with the opposite sex automatically being an “ emotional affair” is an utter distortion of what an EA actually is. People are allowed friends of the opposite sex and naturally when you have friends you discuss issues which are impactive in your life. Millions of women are discussing their marital issues with friends the world over - obsessively and in great detail in some instances. If the OP had been confiding in her friend about how difficult things had been since the baby had been born nobody would have blinked an eye. The fact that this is 2 people of the opposite sex doesn’t intrinsically make this relationship inappropriate. Where the OP probably has issues is in the fact his wife apparently isn’t aware of his friendship with this woman and he wonder why that is.

OP: 6 weeks with a new baby and her hormones will be going haywire, what she needs from you is unconditional support and understanding. Its a change for both of you with a new baby, but believe me you cannot truely understand the adjustments your wife is going through. Be kind to her, talk to her, don't go confiding in other people without discussing it with her first. The girl might just be a friend, but your wife is vulnerable right now.

She has literally spent the last 9 months growing a human, and now is nuturing the baby who will be her main focus at the moment, go speak to your bro mates who have been through it. I bet your friend doens't even have kids does she?

This is what stood out to me:

My wife wasn't aware I was in touch with this girl

Answer me this, is it usual for you to have friends your wife doesn’t know about?

My DH is no angel but when I look back at the time when both my DC were born I remember a man who put me and our DC first before himself. Never once heard him moan about anything. He knew it was going to be different, he knew it was going to be hard and he knew he had to step up to the plate and be a husband and father.

You have had a few problems and you dealt with this by talking about your wife and relationship behind her back with another woman. That is pretty low to be honest.

This difficult newborn time will pass. Her mother will leave. In the meantime you need to man the f*ck up and NEVER discuss your wife or relationship with another woman. It is a betrayal. I wouldn't tolerate that.

My wife wasn't aware I was in touch with this girl
Is she a girl or a woman that you are texting?

You hid your contact with this woman from your wife and you discussed your marriage with her, Yep I'd think it was an EA too.

Does your wife need this shit when she's just had a baby, can you not just be supportive and kind to her and not text other woman?

Oh dear, sour move OP.

That would hurt me something rotten.

This is how your wife is seeing it.

I've just grown our child for 9 months and been through an awful birth. I'm feeling alone, scared and exhausted. I need my husband but instead he is talking to another woman about me.

Everything for her has changed. Her body, emotions, mental state and life. Yes it's changed for you also. But not in comparison.

You have some major grovelling to do. Starting with deleting said friend completely and giving her full access to your phone.

Being honest with yourself. Was your friendship completely platonic? No feelings what so ever?

People are allowed friends of the opposite sex

Yes, but making a new secret friend who is a "girl" and confiding in her about your marital issues when you're a new dad is pretty tone deaf if not more.

OP, you can stop beating yourself up about this and put that energy into your marriage and your future with your new family :) just learn from this for the future and do what you can to put this right.

For what it’s worth I wouldn’t class this personally as an emotional affair, I’m just saying I completely see why your wife believes it is. If you’re representing the nature of your relationship with this woman truthfully here then what you did wrong was a) hiding the friendship and b) confiding in her about your marital problems. I would have zero issue with my OH talking to a friend of his about our relationship, male or female, if it was a friend I knew! But if it was someone I’d never even heard of who was apparently close enough to be a confidante i’d rightly wonder why he had chosen to hide her from me and feel betrayed he was talking to a secret friend about our problems.

It’s not having a friend or taking about problems that’s the issue. It’s that friend being secret. The only reason to keep it a secret would be if something untoward was going on.

You haven’t said whether you’ve totally got rid of this lady from your life or not.

Your comment about not speaking to anyone else about problems because you didn’t want them to think badly of your wife is a bit weird, why didn’t you mind your secret female friend thinking badly of her?

Make it clear to your wife that you fucked up and should have been honest with her, let her see your communications if she wants to, and then delete and block this woman everywhere. Then be the best most supportive husband you can be to her.

I wouldn't call asking for advice an EA. Otherwise I am having several EAs with several of my (female) friends. It doesn't make it an EA just because you are opposite sex.

Would the advice here be the same if op was asking advice from a male friend?

I get that your wife is feeling low about it, she is entitled to feel annoyed if you didn't tell her, but chatting occasionally about work and asking advice is not the makings of of an EA.

Otherwise what @SpiritedLondon said.

Op has been experiencing his own issues, and telling him that talking about them is making his wife feel shit, is way off course. That is what causes resentment within marriages and relationships, when one partner's feelings are put above the others. And the other is expected to "man up" and be supportive and bury his feelings.

People are allowed friends of the opposite sex

Yep. Not secret friends that you dish the dirt to about your relationship problems. Disrespectful to your spouse and asking for trouble tbh.

Op has been experiencing his own issues, and telling him that talking about them is making his wife feel shit, is way off course.

I think it’s more talking about them with a new secret female friend when your wife wouldn’t be okay with that tbh.

He absolutely can and should seek support from appropriate people!

I agree though it’s not an EA, an EA is an affair that hasn’t turned physical: two people having an affair with feelings for each other, hopes for the future, flirting, basically a strong bond with someone including stuff you wouldn’t want your partner to know about.

Unless OP is hiding a lot here, it wasn’t an EA, just disrespectful and dishonest.

It sounds like you're aware of what an idiot you've been and you're very sorry. That's a good start. If you really want to fix this, you're going to have to grow up an enormous amount and put huge amounts of effort into making things better. Are you willing to do that? If not, you might as well walk away now and save yourself and your wife the bother.

I think you need to realise some things.

Parenthood is very very hard, especially at the beginning. It is inevitably harder for the woman, as she is the one who has had to physically produce the child and who usually has to do the vast majority of childcare while also recovering from the most physically demanding and frightening experience most people will ever go through. You might be finding things difficult, but you have to remember that whatever you're experiencing your wife is likely experiencing that, plus a huge heap of other very very difficult things. So if you ever feel hard done by or like you're not getting what you need/want you really need to give yourself a nice hard poke in the eye and then get on with your day and see how it feels.

Women, generally, step up to the plate when they become mothers, no matter how long and awful pregnancy was, no matter how horrible and painful labour was, no matter how incredibly sore and tired and scared and lonely and unsure they feel. They just get on with things.

Meanwhile, many men, who haven't had any physical effects whatsoever, who aren't breastfeeding, or bleeding, or staying up all night, begin behaving like babies themselves - feeling they're not getting what they want, making life harder for the woman who is already wrung out to the very core of her being.

Add in the betrayal of talking to another woman about how 'difficult' things are for you and you can see how your partner might feel so much contempt for you that she can never really respect you again, can't you?

If any of what I've said rings true for you, you need to take a long hard look at yourself and turn this around. Fast.

For future reference when in a relationship with some women, the only female friendships that you are allowed to have are the ones that occur your wife's watchful eye. Your wife seems to be one of those women (although it may only be just for the moment, having a children can be very destabilising making new parents insecure). You didn't have an emotional affair. You know that. Your wife will probably realise it once she comes a bit more to her senses. But, you did do something wrong. Talking about your marriage like that to people that you don't know well isn't ok. Talk to your wife. Apologise for what you have done wrong and ask her to trust you that you haven't been having an emotional affair just an emotionally hard time and you reached out to the wrong person for advice.

All this EA crap everywhere. I have friends male & female I talk to them all the same way. Is it an emotional affair when you are a friend what they did, how they’d cope, for their opinion on stuff. No it’s just friendship!

TuTru Do you hide the friendships with men from your husband (if you have one) m?

The EA thing is irrelevant. It sounds like the OP has complaints about how well his wife (who had another person come out of her six weeks ago) is fulfilling her relationship duties and has chosen to air those complaints to a woman he doesn't know very well while his wife is very vulnerable and tired.

It's just a low move.

I am the one who told OP to man up and I sand by this.

A few months ago I had to spend a day in A&E with my DH. Through neglect of his own body we ended up there thinking he was having a heart attack. I remember sitting there annoyed thinking he had brought it on himself and how I didn't need this right now. Then I remembered that he was my DH, the person I love most in the world and that we had BOTH committed to taking care of each other when the chips were down. I then took the lead in what was happening to him and made sure he knew that I was there and going to make sure he was alright and do whatever I could to help him out.

That's what a marriage is. When the chips are down you step up and take over to make sure the other person is going to be OK.

The EA thing is irrelevant. It sounds like the OP has complaints about how well his wife (who had another person come out of her six weeks ago) is fulfilling her relationship duties and has chosen to air those complaints to a woman he doesn't know very well while his wife is very vulnerable and tired.

This.

FWIW OP I'm not convinced that you have been having an emotional affair.
Actually it doesn't matter. You have broken your wife's trust at a really difficult time in your lives. It's just as bad as sitting with all your mates in the pub and blabbing it all out. The fact that it's a secret female friend makes it seem shiftier but actually the betrayal is the same.
Do you love your wife? She is recovering from a huge physical upheaval, and hasn't had an effective nights' sleep (ie more than 5 hours at a stretch) for weeks. Grovel, cut contact with your ex-colleague, or introduce them and get everything out in the open. Stop making your DW's life harder by making her worry and re-evaluate everything.

That’s great Sakura, and I agree, but why does being there for your partner and being strong for them mean ‘manning up’? That just implies that women aren’t as strong as men, and the phrase ‘man up’ has long been used to force men to ignore and swallow down their emotions and pretend they don’t have any feelings, leading to a crisis in male mental health.

How about ‘take care of business’ or ‘be strong for someone else’? Something that doesn’t link being male with dampening down your emotions?

How would you feel if this was your wife confiding in another man