My wife thinks I am having an emotional affair..

[sasuke37]

Hi there, first time I have been on this forum and would really appreciate any advice tips for an issue I am going through.

Me and my wife had our first child 6 weeks ago, a baby boy, it wasn't an easy road and obviously are over the moon but since he was born, our relationship has seen more downs than ups. My mother-in-law has been staying with us, and although she does help a lot, she is very involved generally in our relationship and more so now that our baby is here.

I have a few friends who I speak to from previous employers, there is a girl I used to manage who I actually ended up being good friends with. We message each other regularly, mostly about work for her and work with me and that tends to be it. However, me and my wife had another fallout earlier in the week (we have been having them daily) and I in all my wisdom asked her for her advice. She had been seeing a therapist before about issues she was having so I just first went in and asked her on that, she replied asking if everything was okay, I told her me and my wife have had a tough time of things lately and told her what's been going on. I just want to point out, I never intended for anything to happen, I was merely looking for advice, incase I was missing something. She actually gave really good advice to make me see things in a different way and with all these arguments actually try to look beyond the things you are arguing about, she really did help me see what I needed to do to help improve things with my wife.

My wife wasn't aware I was in touch with this girl, not on purpose, just because I thought it wasn't a point that was worth mentioning. My wife was looking through my phone this morning and saw my conversation thread with her. She said I have been having an emotional affair with this girl, I tried to explain she is a good friend and I was just speaking to her for advice on us, it was never anything more than that. Her 30th birthday is on Saturday and I had a weekend planned with her and our boy, she is casting doubt on that and not speaking to me or really having too much time with our son.

She sent me an article on emotional affiairs, and after reading it, I can understand where she is coming from, I have apologised to her and tried to explain to her with no luck. I guess I am on here to ask if there is a way I can help repair things. I feel like crap, I can only imagine she does as well

I've got male friends but there's a limit. I'd never talk to a guy friend about personal relationship issues. That crosses a line

I'll go against the grain here and say that your wife is being unreasonable. Understandably unreasonable due to recent birth etc etc. but having mother in law around so long is rubbish, and I think she is over-reacting here.

I fundamentally believe that people should be able to have friends of the the other sex. There is a difference between a secret friendship and a friendship that your wife doesn't know about though. Only you know if that line is crossed. if it is then stop contact with friend. If it isn't then you and your wife will need to have some serious conversations about what is acceptable to you both. I couldn't be with someone who wouldn't let me be friends with someone of the opposite sex. And friends do talk about stuff in their lives, including relationship stuff, it is a good way to clear heads and get a different perspective.

Oh - I'd add that reading Mumsnet is quite toxic because the majority of replies are usually EA! "leave the bastard", "ducks in a row" focused. So like reading the Daily Mail will give a particular view on Brexit, apply a filter to reading mumsnet too.

Good luck

I don't think you're inherently wrong here. I hate how friendships with the opposite sex are inappropriate by default.

You confided in your friend OP, because you thought she was insightful - not because you wanted pity, or ego boosted etc. She have you some good advice - I don't see the issue here.

If your wife was upset and didn't want to be around your son perhaps she's suffering PND? As there's not much correlation there otherwise.

Perhaps she's just completely overwhelmed. Everything can set you off when you're so tired and drained.

I confide in my male friend. I've known him for 10 years and he confides in me - we both suffer with depression so we can relate to how each other feels. But in no way do I see him except a friend who is almost like a brother.

So in essence I don't think you've done anything wrong but how you handle it now will make the difference.

Be open with her. Actually apologise that you hurt her feelings without adding the word but to the mix.

Make her feel valued and special.

If I may dare offer a male view, well aware I will probably be crucified, the replies on this thread are a clear example of the intransigent attitudes which have contributed to making mumsnet infamous – which is a shame, because the forum can be a very useful and sensible resource.

There is nothing wrong in confiding with a friend. It is neither inappropriate nor disrespectful to do so. If anything, my two cents is that it tends to help, because keeping everything bottled up and not talking about your problems to anyone is recipe for disaster.

@SakuraBlossom, your comment that
“You have had a few problems and you dealt with this by talking about your wife and relationship behind her back with another woman. That is pretty low to be honest. “
left me speechless. Totally and utterly speechless.
Since when is confiding in a friend = “talking behind the partner’s back”? And how on Earth could it possibly be “pretty low”? You really need to get a grip. You and your partner are not allowed to talk about your relationship with friends and relatives? Really? If there is a problem, who, if anyone, is a spouse allowed to talk to about it, and what is the approved “process” to do so?

@Spaghettijumper, sweeping generalisations about “men behaving like babies” do not help. Sure, there are many such cases, but the OP hasn’t really elaborated enough on his situation for us to infer that’s his case, too.

The question I have for the OP is why he didn’t mention the friendship with this woman to his wife. There are couples who mention in great detail to each other all their respective friends, what they’re up to, when they catch up with them. And couples who don’t do it. Horses for courses, I don’t see anything wrong in either approach. But, OP, which is your case? If the latter, I don’t see anything wrong in your behaviour. If the former, then, yes, I’d question why you failed to mention this specific friendship, and might understand why your wife might think you had something to hide.

We don’t know the exact content of the OP’s conversation. His wife has read it and seems to think it’s EA, but, well, his wife could be completely wrong. Or totally right. We just don’t know. So why on Earth are so many people jumping to conclusions without knowing all the facts???

Also, no one has commented on the wife going through the OP’s phone? Really? Does everyone think it’s acceptable? I’d go ballistic if my partner tried to do that, and she would have the same reaction if it were me trying to do it. I fully realise every relationship is different and what doesn’t work for one couple may well do for another, but has this been discussed openly? Have you both explicitly said you’re fine going through each other’s phone and stuff? If yes, may I ask why? If no, how did she dare?

@Rollercoaster1920 , your comparison with the Daily Mail is spot on! Everything must be interpreted in context; if the OP had posted on a ‘lads’ forum most of the comments might have been along the lines of “poor you, what an unreasonable witch you have married”

It would be the lying by omission I'd struggle to let go of in your wife's shoes. Having had a baby so recently she's likely to already feel vulnerable, exhausted and simply overrun with emotions. Adding to her load by behaving so disrespectfully to her (and lying by omission absolutely is disrespectful in an honest relationship) shows a huge amount of disregard for who she is and your marriage.

I think your priority has to be showing her that this isn't who you are; that you made a poor choice but that you're letting go of the friendship with this "girl" and putting your focus where it needs to be.

DH and I have been married 8 years, together for nearly 12 years. I cannot imagine any circumstance where I would have a male friend that I’m in regular contact with without his knowledge - that alone is disrespectful, but to then actually be sharing details of your relationship with this person while your wife is in the most vulnerable state of her life? I’m not surprised she is so upset.

I don’t think it’s truly possible to grasp the extremity of physical, emotional and hormonal changes a woman experiences when having a baby unless you’ve personally been through it. I remember feeling irrationally angry at my DH because all he had to do was have sex. My body was irrevocably changed, my mind was changed (the day my twins were born I switched to high alert and it’s never switched off again), birth was horribly traumatic, I was separated from my babies as they were so ill, I was physically and mentally broken for most of the first year. I felt like I was expected to be an expert when I knew nothing about children and everything was my responsibility unless I specifically asked for help. This led to huge resentment and many arguments, even though my DH was very hands on, always helped through the night etc. If I found out that during that time he was seeking advice (or, let’s really call it what it was - attention) from another woman I would have felt so angry and, mostly, so alone.

Hopefully the comments here will help you understand why your wife is so hurt so that you can apologise for the hurt you’ve caused. I promise you, the way to survive newborns is to communicate. The little rows you have are probably about much more than what you’re arguing about - sounds to me like you feel she’s not paying you enough attention, and she may be feeling resentful about things you haven’t even realised you’re not doing. You need to talk to each other more - that’s always the answer.

OP. This is MN. Worse than that, you have braved the relationships board. This means that because you are a man you are wrong. Because you are a man who has dared talk to another woman you are doubly wrong. Worse than that you asked for her advice, as a woman, about your relationship. In future know that only women are allowed to talk, at length and in great detail about, their relationship. When you do it, it is an EA.

Parent of One

Just one question really. The next time you and your partner have a really bad time are you OK with her calling up an old male colleague to discuss your relationship?

My marriage may be different to others but so far it has lasted 20 years and 5 years before this. One of the reasons why it has lasted is because I expect complete loyalty and respect from my DH. We have had our very fair share of issues during our marriage but these 2 things have remained constant between us.

I am confused by all these 'lying by omission' accusations. My husband doesn't know all my friends because I don't really talk about them. And he doesn't go through my phone

The thing that stands out to me is that you didn't speak to mutual friends because you don't want them to think badly of her. Which, to me, implies you've bern bitching sbout your wife to your new, secret friend. Not good.
I think you are not unreasonable to want mil to go home, but lets hope you are going to provide the support your wife needs. Maybe she wants her mum there because she feels you are not offering that?

Also a woman who hasn't had a baby herself is on no position to advise you on your wife.

its not because its a man ffs. Women are given just as harsh advice, but a lot of it is good advice.
It is significant and it IS different when its a platonic friendship that crosses a line into close confidante about relationship issues. If both of you do it and are both ok with it and thats the way your relationship rolls, then all power to you, but the emotional intimacy side to a relationship is surely the most important bit. I cant imagine confiding my issues with my partner or his shortcomings to many people because ultimately theres a very fine line between getting advice here and it being a betrayal. If you need somewhere safe and unbiased to talk about your relationship, I think anonymously is better or book a few sessions with a counsellor
Your wife has just been through a pregnancy, childbirth and is getting to grips with a newborn. This is MASSIVE. You need to be supporting her and doing everything you can to make this work. I think you maybe also need to ask your mum to leave asap because that will be putting extra strain on the relationship that you dont need.

What utter bollocks, auditqueen. A woman would be told the same thing if she had a secret male friend she was bitching to about her husband, especially if her husband was in a particularly vulnerable situation.

How the hell are they supposed to bond as a family with grandma hanging around like Banquo's ghost?

Sorry OP, in all seriousness I think you're genuine and your heart is in the right place. I was totally batshit emotionally 6 weeks after both of my dc's births and if I'd seen messages I could well have misconstrued them even though I sometimes ask friends of both sexes for advice.

Im sure you love your wife, just show her a bit more with your actions. It's no easy thing producing a human.

No I'm sorry but I would be utterly pissed off if my partner decided it was okay to discuss MY personal life with a woman I knew nothing about, and that's the top and bottom of it.
OP has clearly buggered off and hasn't given many details.
It's not an EA no, you're all right. But it's bloody disrespectful. She is vunerable and even though its wrong for her to have gone through his phone. Right now she isn't thinking straight and there is clearly things wrong in this relationship, that is now common knowledge to this woman she didn't even know existed.

How can you find nothing wrong in that. If it was a woman typing this. I would say exactly the same thing!

I agree. You choose to spend time, talking with another woman, instead of bonding with your baby!!!!

A woman would be told the same thing if she had a secret male friend she was bitching to about her husband

When does asking a friend for advice become bitching about someone?

A woman would be told the same thing if she had a secret male friend she was bitching to about her husband

Do you tell your husband about every 'secret' post you make here when you 'bitch' to the whole fucking internet?

ffs really..EA ...pmsl...grow the flip up about being UPSET cause your partner is chatting to next person...

I chat reagardless of your sex to whom i feel comrtable at the time and who would understand also..Don't mean AFFAIR..and sorry but if you dont like your partner talking to same sex there is a problem with you or trust so for both sakes work it out or move on..realllllyyyy

i didnt mean OP lol i meant in general

@SakuraBlossom, your question “The next time you and your partner have a really bad time are you OK with her calling up an old male colleague to discuss your relationship? “ is badly phrased. If she called an old male colleague she hadn’t spoken to in 10 years, maybe I might get slightly suspicious, and I might start wondering if she’s trying to re-ignite an old spark. But that’s not what seems to have happened in this case.

I’ll give you an example. Recently my wife has recontacted two old (female) colleagues she hadn’t spoken to in a long time, and whom I have never met nor had I ever heard of. In one case, my wife went to her city and they had lunch together, in another they started to talk via email and whatsapp about something work-related that was very specific and that one of the two had experience in. In both cases, my wife told me how similar the lives of all 3 of them were, and how interesting it was to talk about similar problems (at work, at home, with children and husbands etc) with people who can understand you. So, yes, she talked about me and our issues, but so what? Why should I feel betrayed, or feel this was “pretty low” or any of the nonsense written here? And yes, I would say the very same things if the colleagues in question had had different reproductive organs from those of my wife!

The key mistake most of the people who have replied have made – and which is typical of so many forums etc, not just mumsnet – is that most posters tend to analyse the situation from their point of view, to comment on how they would react and why, without the slightest effort of trying to interpret the situation in the context of the OP’s relationship, which is different from yours and from mine! I’d do this, I wouldn’t do that, I’d react this way, I’d want this, I wouldn’t want that… That’s all great, but how does it help the OP??? Spoiler alert: it does not!

We all want different things, and we all set up our relationships differently. That’s why I asked the OP about how much he know about his wife’s friends, and viceversa.
@SakuraBlossom, if I understand correctly you would probably feel betrayed if your husband talked about certain marital issues with a female friend, right? That’s fine, that’s great, whatever works for you. But just repeating it like this, without trying to understand the OP’s situation, and without the mental flexibility to appreciate that, you know, people are different and what works for you may not necessarily work for others and viceversa, well, that’s a complete waste of everyone’s time!!

Also, it can still be useful to talk to friends who do not live and would therefore struggle to understand your problems, because keeping everything bottled up is far worse! Otherwise, what, I shouldn’t talk about my marriage to friends who are not married, I shouldn’t talk about my child to friends who don’t have children, I shouldn’t have talked about losing my job to friends who have never lost theirs… ???

Is this a reverse?

“I agree. You choose to spend time, talking with another woman, instead of bonding with your baby!!!!”
How horrible! A parent who confides in a friend! Much better to keep everything to himself, right? In my experience, those who do so tend to explode like pressure cookers, eventually. Is your experience different? Do you find it healthy not to talk to anyone?

I take it the friend you confided in doesn't have children?

I don't see anything wrong in not talking about all your friends. I have lots of friends I'm in contact with who I've never told my stbxh about. Not because I have anything to hide but because there was no reason to. Also if I was having a particular issue that I thought I needed a male perspective then I would probably ask a male friend.

However op, your wife has just had a baby. She'll be emotional and hormonal and that's normal. If you've not had a baby yourself you won't have a clue and the first one is always the biggest shock.

auditqueen Congratulations! That was the dumbest response on the thread. You must be so proud