My wife thinks I am having an emotional affair..

[sasuke37]

Hi there, first time I have been on this forum and would really appreciate any advice tips for an issue I am going through.

Me and my wife had our first child 6 weeks ago, a baby boy, it wasn't an easy road and obviously are over the moon but since he was born, our relationship has seen more downs than ups. My mother-in-law has been staying with us, and although she does help a lot, she is very involved generally in our relationship and more so now that our baby is here.

I have a few friends who I speak to from previous employers, there is a girl I used to manage who I actually ended up being good friends with. We message each other regularly, mostly about work for her and work with me and that tends to be it. However, me and my wife had another fallout earlier in the week (we have been having them daily) and I in all my wisdom asked her for her advice. She had been seeing a therapist before about issues she was having so I just first went in and asked her on that, she replied asking if everything was okay, I told her me and my wife have had a tough time of things lately and told her what's been going on. I just want to point out, I never intended for anything to happen, I was merely looking for advice, incase I was missing something. She actually gave really good advice to make me see things in a different way and with all these arguments actually try to look beyond the things you are arguing about, she really did help me see what I needed to do to help improve things with my wife.

My wife wasn't aware I was in touch with this girl, not on purpose, just because I thought it wasn't a point that was worth mentioning. My wife was looking through my phone this morning and saw my conversation thread with her. She said I have been having an emotional affair with this girl, I tried to explain she is a good friend and I was just speaking to her for advice on us, it was never anything more than that. Her 30th birthday is on Saturday and I had a weekend planned with her and our boy, she is casting doubt on that and not speaking to me or really having too much time with our son.

She sent me an article on emotional affiairs, and after reading it, I can understand where she is coming from, I have apologised to her and tried to explain to her with no luck. I guess I am on here to ask if there is a way I can help repair things. I feel like crap, I can only imagine she does as well

A friend whom your wife doesn't even know is your friend is a close enough friend to confide in about personal, marriage problems?

(In addition to not having been a parent; you couldn't find one other person, family member or friend, whose life experience was more relevant and whom you know better to confide in and ask for advice? Your confidant had to be an (unmarried?), without children 'girl' from a previous workplace.

Mmm.

If this isn't a reverse, I wondering if you're naive, or disingenuous or ...?

This;

I've got male friends but there's a limit. I'd never talk to a guy friend about personal relationship issues. That crosses a line

And this;

No I'm sorry but I would be utterly pissed off if my partner decided it was okay to discuss MY personal life with a woman I knew nothing about, and that's the top and bottom of it.

And this;

The thing that stands out to me is that you didn't speak to mutual friends because you don't want them to think badly of her. Which, to me, implies you've bern bitching sbout your wife to your new, secret friend. Not good.

And this;

Just one question really. The next time you and your partner have a really bad time are you OK with her calling up an old male colleague to discuss your relationship?

My marriage may be different to others but so far it has lasted 20 years and 5 years before this. One of the reasons why it has lasted is because I expect complete loyalty and respect from my DH.

How the hell is discussing your relationship with a friend of the opposite sex disrespectful. If this had been a woman posting you lot would be saying her DH was controlling and to LTB!!

First off, you flipping tit. You’re totally entitled to go ask for advice about your relationship, you need that outlet and trust me, there will be times you’ll need to just unload whatever junk is on your plate.

However, you have literally done it with the most inappropriate person. My wife would be livid! But she would not leave me over it, you’ve made a total schoolboy error, but you’re not a bad guy, you’ve recognised your error so don’t be giving yourself too much grief. The man who never made a mistake never made anything.....

What you need my friend is a confidant, a male one, and it needs to set in a friendship of stone. I have two friends and we share a pact, anything we say is in absolute confidence, it is free from judgement and we take it to our graves.

Between the three of us, there’s a one off cheater and one who’d definitely go to jail, but our role is not to judge the person, it’s to help and guide the friend. The guy who cheated, we worked through why he did it and said it’s done and sealed, but if we ever see it again, we’ll both go to her and tell her. Being a confidant doesn’t mean you’re a bucket to collect people’s sins and make them feel better.

There will no doubt be people about to jump on me for encouraging men to have secrets, and if that’s what you think, you’ve missed the point of having such friends. Besides, I guarantee everywoman here has dirt on someone that could trash a relationship if they so desired.

@Cambshusband this is pretty much a zombie thread.
People will probably jump on you yeah but not for keeping secrets. For keeping one big one.
I'm so glad you three top blokes worked out why your mate cheated and his wife didn't need to know. She must be grateful to have you all in her life. She wouldn't want to know her partner once had his dick in someone else. Nah of course not.

She would want to continue on blissfully unaware because you three mature blokes came to that solid decision for her! Top bloke

I can see where your wife is coming from but dont think you’ve done anything wrong, a bit naive maybe.

I am sure your wife confides in her friends who are probably female. Trouble is men are not always, if ever! the best people to confide in.
I have 5 friends from childhood 2 of whom are female. If my wife and I were having problems I know who I’d talk to and it wouldn’t be the men!

I think the issue here is secrecy, you have to remember Op, your wife’s mind will go into overdrive about what was being talked about, going on, because she hasn’t seen the conversation threads in full . My H was having full on whatsapp chats with a colleague, deleting them and never mentioning how much of this was going on, when I did actually see the chain because I snooped before he deleted, it was all crap tittle tattle but it’s the fact he was deleting and didn’t delete other people, nor did he ever mention the tittle tattle that alerted me to it. If it had all been mentioned (she worked for both of us) And wasn’t deleted, I might have actually asked her to cool it somewhat

@feelingthepain

We are certainly not proud of what he did, it is shameful and disrespectful, but given the situation, we can hold him to task and make sure the twat doesn’t do it again, or we can go and ruin his wife and kids lives?

I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to be the one the wreck a family. The event was done, and we tore him a new a hole, but ultimately, who am I to be judge jury and executioner? Would I be the one to march into his family home and destroy those kids lives? No, and I don’t think anyone but the most cold hearted, bitter being would.

Do you not know anything about a couple that could probably see them in divorce proceedings? I bet you do, most of us do, buts it’s not our place to judge them.

Would you be okay with your wife texting another man (a man you knew nothing about), and discussing your marriage? Just weeks after you'd been through something life changing (which child birth is). Of course not. You've been an absolute Tit. You have betrayed her confidence, at the most crucial time in her life. If you don't see that, you're being a bit thick.

Maybe not, but I couldn't live with that lie either. Their lives are already ruined as they knew it. They're living a lie and always will be.

Get out, you only get one stuff at life and your wife sounds like hard work. She’d do most people’s heads in.
You can talk to whoever you like about whatever you want. Don’t dance to the tune of a control freak