My wife thinks I am having an emotional affair..

[sasuke37]

Hi there, first time I have been on this forum and would really appreciate any advice tips for an issue I am going through.

Me and my wife had our first child 6 weeks ago, a baby boy, it wasn't an easy road and obviously are over the moon but since he was born, our relationship has seen more downs than ups. My mother-in-law has been staying with us, and although she does help a lot, she is very involved generally in our relationship and more so now that our baby is here.

I have a few friends who I speak to from previous employers, there is a girl I used to manage who I actually ended up being good friends with. We message each other regularly, mostly about work for her and work with me and that tends to be it. However, me and my wife had another fallout earlier in the week (we have been having them daily) and I in all my wisdom asked her for her advice. She had been seeing a therapist before about issues she was having so I just first went in and asked her on that, she replied asking if everything was okay, I told her me and my wife have had a tough time of things lately and told her what's been going on. I just want to point out, I never intended for anything to happen, I was merely looking for advice, incase I was missing something. She actually gave really good advice to make me see things in a different way and with all these arguments actually try to look beyond the things you are arguing about, she really did help me see what I needed to do to help improve things with my wife.

My wife wasn't aware I was in touch with this girl, not on purpose, just because I thought it wasn't a point that was worth mentioning. My wife was looking through my phone this morning and saw my conversation thread with her. She said I have been having an emotional affair with this girl, I tried to explain she is a good friend and I was just speaking to her for advice on us, it was never anything more than that. Her 30th birthday is on Saturday and I had a weekend planned with her and our boy, she is casting doubt on that and not speaking to me or really having too much time with our son.

She sent me an article on emotional affiairs, and after reading it, I can understand where she is coming from, I have apologised to her and tried to explain to her with no luck. I guess I am on here to ask if there is a way I can help repair things. I feel like crap, I can only imagine she does as well

The friendship wasn't hidden. Neither DH nor I tell each other about every friend we have. The OP does not appear to have hidden his phone/tried to prevent his wife from reading the messages. It was not an EA.

To me, it sounds more that she has overinterpreted him trying to get advice from a female perspective about some of the issues they are facing in the first few weeks of parenthood.

I see nothing suggesting that this is about the OP putting demands on his wife for 'relationship duties' as it is being coyly referred to. Maybe he just wants advice on what new mothers are going through emotionally.

OP has said his MIL has been with them a while, presumably since the birth six weeks ago and is staying to the end of the month. No wonder they are struggling. They have no space to bond as a unit without someone else being in their space.

Op, whether or not you had no further intention than what you have described you have spoken to a woman (girl as you describe- please don't say she's much younger, slimmer, not had children yet and therefore NO idea what parenthood is anything about) about your relationship in a negative light and your wife will be feeling pretty damn embarrassed, hurt and betrayed right now.

I've been there and I don't think I'll ever truly forgive my DH for doing this. I would do what others have said and cut all ties from this woman.

The EA thing is irrelevant. It sounds like the OP has complaints about how well his wife (who had another person come out of her six weeks ago) is fulfilling her relationship duties and has chosen to air those complaints to a woman he doesn't know very well while his wife is very vulnerable and tired.

This with bells on.

If the OP had been confiding in her friend about how difficult things had been since the baby had been born nobody would have blinked an eye. The fact that this is 2 people of the opposite sex doesn’t intrinsically make this relationship inappropriate.

^I agree

I'd imagine the tone and content of what the OP said has played a large part here.

Going to a member of the opposite sex and saying 'I'm finding parenthood hard, but my wife is a real trooper and has done so much for us' is a lot different to saying 'My wife constantly snaps at me and I'm really unhappy,' bearing in mind that that wife has just spent 9 months pregnant and gave birth less than two months ago.

To be fair it sounds like the friend told him to stop being such an arsehole, which is at least something.

your wife had a baby six weeks ago & you're spending your time bitching about her?

Your wife must feel utterly shit about herself. What an awful thing to do.

Lesson learnt. I don't think you had bad intentions, but asking another woman for advice regarding your marriage won't go down well.

I don't think you've been honest. With yourself or on here.

I suspect you fully knew what you were doing. Confiding about relationship issues with a secret friend? Oh really.

Not getting enough attention after your wife gave birth?

I dont think its an emotional affair if there are no 'feelings' involved at all, other than friendship I do however know I would have been upset and pissed off! I have been on the receiving end of these rather secret 'innocent' friendships and its extremely demoralising OP. You have to remember, you 'know' what was discussed and any 'feelings' involved, your wife doesn't or may think you have deleted texts etc and she doesn't know the full situation. Your mind goes into complete overdrive at times like this, especially at points you feel vulnerable and can make a lot more of something than it is . Apologise profusely, avoid getting into that situation and 'think' before blabbing your personal situation to all and sundry, women or blokes. It comes back to bite.

OP-this is how emotional affairs start!
You have been silly, now end this friendship and focus on your marriage.

To those commenting about how it wasn't an emotional affair...........the OP's wife has read the conversation and she thinks it is. After readin the article his wife sent, he sees she has a point. So I think there is much more than what has been said in the original post. Also you say you are in "regular" contact with the "girl which I assume your wife didn't know about (no biggy) but you are friends enough for her to tell you she is in therapy and also to disclose your issues. That could indeed just be a friendship, but why hide it from your wife?

I have both male and female friends, of course people can be friends with the opposite sex. The issue here is his wife THINKS it is an emotional affair and OP is trying to justify it wasn't. Hiding it from your wife, when you should be having a grown up conversation about it, emotional affair or not, is still shitty. I imagine your wife feels super great about herself right now, when the main thing she should be concentrating on is your tiny baby.

Dear god, it doesn’t matter what it is - you have a 6 week old baby. All your time, energy, patience and attention should be dedicated to your baby and wife I.e. your family. Your wife is going through the most enormous physical and emotional changes. Get your act together.

Some very harsh comments here! Poor bloke tries to get some advice to help the situation with his wife, she blows up on him and you lot are mainly acting like he's shagged someone else. Yes, I can understand her upset to a certain extent, but was it really that bad? Not in my book, as a woman. Just do your best OP, I'm sure it will be fine.

Why did the article resonate with your wife/you? From what you've said in your OP, I do not think it's an EA but having read the article you obv think it is...?

Anyway, whatever it is, it's now time to focus fully on your wife and that very young baby. Have a good weekend.

Also, I think it's probably time to let MiL know, courteously, that you need space as a family unit. 6 weeks is absurd.

You seem like you have understood very well that this would have hurt your wife greatly. Especially as she has just had a new baby, and is in therapy (therefore needing your support even more than usual)

I would be dropping our 'friend' like a stone and putting all of your energy and thoughts into your marriage if you want your family to stay together. Avoid this happening again by choosing to confide in male friends next time.

Your wife has given you the most amazing gift, a baby, and this surely needs to be entirely where your focus is.

Ask your wife as part of a plan to consider spending time with her mother when you are not there, so you are able to enjoy quality family time without her intrusion. It may be that your mother in law is providing much needed emotional support, so although I understand it might be annoying, it may also be necessary. If you are supporting your wife and baby then your MIL may be able to drop more into the background.

This is not the time to fix everything in one go, already you have a lot to adjust to, both of you. But do treat with the greatest respect and with love, your first baby is a huge physical and emotional upheaval and try and enjoy the most lovely times with your new baby as a family. If ever there was a time to put all the crap to one side and make the most of what you have, this is it.

It doesn't have to be an EA but keeping it secret makes it suspicious and disloyal. Secrets are nearly always shameful (except birthday surprises) and therefore I would feel the same as your wife.

A new baby brings lots of pressure and change. It's hard. Try to be there for her and stop whining.

I don’t expect my DP not to have any female friends.

However a secret female friend with whom he’s discussing our relationship when I’m at my most vulnerable, yeah it sounds like an emotional affair.

Six weeks post partum, I was still getting to grips with my new baby and really really hated my body. If DP has done anything to show me he was more interested in talking to/spending his energies on another woman I’d have been heartbroken and reconsidering our relationship.

How would you feel if you discovered your wife was having secret conversations about your shortcomings to a good looking male she connects with, whilst you’re fat and healing from major abdominal and rectal trauma and feel like shit?

From what you describe above you are not having an emotional affair.

I have many male friends (in very male dominated industry) and usually it's work, very occassionally I'll say something personal, as will they (and as have you). For an emotional affair I believe it goes beyond contact re work and a few personal things on whatsapp or whatever and is about the person taking over your thoughts.

An EA happens when someone finds excuses and creates reasons to be with the other person, they become the first person they call with any news, the spouse gets compared and it's not favourable. You have not said any of this, you kept it about work and then asked for some personal advice to get a female perspective. I can see why your OH is upset, but sorry she is over-egging it (although you can't put it to her like that). This may be hormonal or it may be a last of understanding as to what generally consitutes an EA - look on Relate's website if you want to see more.

So, what do you do. I think you calmly explain to her that it's not an EA, you keep it about work and one time you asked for some advice because you've been concerned about her (your wife). There is no way this woman is taking over your thinking. Your OH will probably agree things have been tricky lately. Tell her you are looking forward to it just being your family unit and you've found it tough to have someone else there. You should knock off the comms with the person you asked advice from, then keep it strictly about work. Then you'll have to wait I think for DM to go and get back to being a family unit - so it's time and patience.

Being accused when it's not true is something I feel very strongly about, I was once accused by my OH of having an affair, I had not (in fact I had not even looked at another guy in that way). It nearly broke me, and even 6 years later it's horrible because I still wonder if he trusts me and we've been together over 20 years. Good luck with it.

Walkingon, OK poor choice of words. I agree with what you said. Perhaps a better phrase for both men and women is ""step up"

Step up is a great way of phrasing it!

I think the Americans have coined ‘lean in’ which is pretty weird as I don’t see the link, unless the implication is that we literally ‘lean away’ from difficult stuff 😂

*Six weeks post partum, I was still getting to grips with my new baby and really really hated my body. If DP has done anything to show me he was more interested in talking to/spending his energies on another woman I’d have been heartbroken and reconsidering our relationship.

How would you feel if you discovered your wife was having secret conversations about your shortcomings to a good looking male she connects with, whilst you’re fat and healing from major abdominal and rectal trauma and feel like shit?*

Firstly, congratulations on making a whole heap of assumptions and twisting it to suit your own warped mind.

Reconsider the relationship? Are you mad? He was asking out for advice, harping on about how tough it is just for the woman, and how the bloke needs to just man up is stunningly selfish and narrow minded. Assuming they wanted the child, this guy has watched his beloved wife change into a totally different person, physically and mentally & sat on the side feeling like a useless spare part. Then a baby pops out & he feels even more useless. His (likely) irrational wife due to endless hormonal changes is feeling it, possibly lashing out & he's asked a friend (sex is irrelevant) for some advice on how to deal with it, which he's taken on board and tried to act on.

Also, no mention on if she's good looking, so congratulations on making another leap of assumption there. To be honest, a friend is a friend. Sex is irrelevant. My partner doesn't know all my friends, nor do they know the ins and outs of every single conversation I have with them. That's just normal.

So no, you are not having an EA, not even close. You are however having a tough time with a massive life change for all involved. For what it's worth, I don't think you have done anything wrong, you've actually done it with the best of intentions.

So, to counter the sheer drivel spouted on here, I would say in this instance, your wife needs to wind her neck in, baby or not. You went to a friend for advice on how to deal with things, to make it easier for all. She's read a whole book more into it and come to some rampant 'baby brain' conclusion you are having an EA.

I have deleted all contact with her and don't plan on messaging her anymore.

Aw sasuke37, I do feel for you...it's not an easy situation you're in. I mean, we all need someone to confide in and talk to but unfortunately there seems to be an unwritten rule about not confiding deeply in members of the sex we're attracted to...

There's so much going on here:

1. Your wife and you sound like you're in trouble. You don't say why you haven't been getting along but it sounds like your marriage needs serious attention and your wife is craving love.
2. You have a strong and reasonably new platonic friendship with someone who may have romantic feelings for you...that's hard to know...
3. By not mentioning the closeness of this friendship to your wife, she feels betrayed at a time when you're already not getting along and she's trying to come to grips with a new baby.
4. It sounds like a really tough time for both your wife and you...

I'm not going to go down the judgemental route because you're a grown man and I'm sure in your heart of hearts you know exactly what's right. You know you should speak to your wife and re-assess your boundaries with this platonic female friend (platonic for now, anyhow).

I just want to share a little bit of my own experience which may somehow help you and that's all I'd like to do here: help you. So, I went out with a man for 5 years. We were going through a rough patch etc. He too confided in a female friend who quite craftily and slowly painted me in a pretty negative light to him. He broke it off with me. He married her. The marriage broke down after 5 years and he contacted me afterwards telling me that not one single day went by when he didn't think of me and that breaking up with me was the biggest mistake of his life. It was only then that he finally admitted his then platonic friend had done everything in her power to paint me in a negative light and that he had confided in her about our relationship. I didn't have to tell him what a betrayal any of that was. He caused himself enough hurt.

Anyhow, just food for thought...all you can do is what you think is best. The very best of luck to you and your family.

I’d be kicking the MiL out for starters. How the hell are they supposed to bond as a family with grandma hanging around like Banquo’s ghost?