DP pestering for sex

[Petsimos]

Hi all, wanted to get some perspective on this as I’m feeling pretty shit this morning.

My DP will frequently initiate sex on a night that I don’t want to have. If I don’t respond to him he continues to grope me until it’s easier to ‘give in’ and just have sex with him as I feel uncomfortable telling him to stop. This happened again last night and I now feel quite resentful and upset about it.

I don’t know how to raise this or explain to him how I feel. I think he must know when I don’t want sex and just not care, which makes me feel really negative towards him.

I was wondering how other people deal with this grey area I guess and advice on how to raise it without causing a row?

Thanks

I personally would shove some tissues at him and tell him to fuck off to the bathroom.
And I say this as someone who has been in your position but was too naive /scared to confront him.
My exh.

This isn't acceptable. You need to talk to him and tell him this isn't on any longer. Can you sleep in separate bedrooms?

OP that is rape. I'm not sure how you can raise it without causing a row. He is treating you appallingly. Time to get out of this relationship.

I personally find that when some men are horny they get blinders in where all they see is their end goal and nothing else. This does not excuse their behaviour but men tend to not be as emotionally aware or observant as their female counter parts.

I would say to sit him down and tell you how it makes you feel. And say you will be the one to instigate sex from now on. If you don't want to say out right "let's do it" you could leave an item on the bedside table or something.

But you must tell him instead of just have sex for the sake of it as that's not helping anyone and you will come to really hate him

This is actually marital rape and has been illegal in Britain since 1991.
You are perfectly entitled to refuse.
I think you need to have a calm talk with your partner about boundaries, respect, consent. Or leave.

Rape is a bit far. 9/10s sex in a relationship is expected by both parties. Hence being in a relationship and not a friendship. If OP doesn't say no or make it clear sex isn't on the cards how is he supposed to know

Thanks for your replies. I don’t consider it rape personally but I think it is obvious from my lack of responsiveness to him that I don’t want to have sex. The whole process can go on for half an hour to an hour and I absolutely hate it.

I think I will raise it later but I don’t want to really offend him or put labels on what he does that will alienate him from the conversation if that makes sense.

Why don’t you feel comfortable saying no? Are you scared of him?

Next time say ‘I’m not interested tonight’.

"If I don’t respond to him he continues to grope me until it’s easier to ‘give in’ and just have sex with him as I feel uncomfortable telling him to stop. "

You've established a routine where you don't immediately respond to his advances but if he persists you will oblige. It's not unreasonable for him to think that carrying on when he gets no initial reaction is the right thing to do. Use your words. Tell him that tonight you are not in the mood.

Stop the 'obvious from my lack of response' approach, and start saying a clear NO.

Tell him to buy one of these new sexbot thingies!

What's obvious is he knows you will give in, its coercion.
Just say no, firmly, shout if you have to and get out of bed, or kick him out.
Tell him the more he goes on the less likely you want to oblige
Men are like dogs

Why do you feel uncomfortable telling him no/stop?
Please take some ownership of your mind and body - you're not his cocksocket.

He's basically raping you when he coerces you into sex like this. Consent under duress or because it's the only way to get him to leave you alone isn't true consent.

How long have you been with him? Has he always been this disgusting? Seriously. Don't put up with it.

We’ve been together nearly 5 years. I agree that the tactic of not responding or touching him back obviously isn’t working and I guess he will take it as a given now, so will speak to him about it more directly I think.

Each to their own, but I wouldn’t consider my partner to have raped me if he came onto me, I didn’t say no or leave the room, after half an hour of what he thought was foreplay I shagged him, and every time we had sex we went through the same motions without me ever saying ‘I don’t want to have sex’ or just physically refusing to have sex.

Enthusiastic consent is a thing, yes, but doesn’t always happen every time in a long term sexual and romantic relationship. How many of us have had sleepy middle of the night sex without either party outright saying ‘I consent to this’?

For all the OP’s husband knows, his wife is usually reluctant to begin with but then gets into it after half an hour of foreplay and is then up for sex! He can’t be expected to mind read.

OP if you’re not willing to take some ownership over your own body and sexual needs and desires then fair enough, but that doesn’t automatically mean your husband is a rapist (Jesus Christ to PP saying that, talk about downplaying rape).

If you were too scared to say no then of course it’s a different story and is coercion/assault. But if you’re not and you’re for some reason just not making your needs or wants clear, that’s kinda on you.

Is that the tactic you've been using for 5 years? Why don't you say no to him if you don't?

I don't think

'I think it is obvious from my lack of responsiveness to him that I don’t want to have sex. The whole process can go on for half an hour to an hour and I absolutely hate it.'

Is downplaying rape. Though I do understand the discomfort in labelling it as such.

An hour of sex where you absolutely hate it, is something that should not be happening to you. Ever.

He's sexually assaulting you and you're worried about offending him?!

OP thinks it’s obvious, we don’t know what her husband thinks. Maybe it’s not obvious she doesn’t want to have sex, if she does have sex with him every time he comes into her, and never so much as says ‘I don’t want to’ or leaves the situation?

It’s not always been like this with him, no. I understand consent isn’t unenthusiastic all the time but i think it’s a bit disingenuous to suggest people aren’t aware when someone theyre having sex with isn’t enjoying it or interested in it.

I do understand the point about taking responsibility for speaking up though and that I need to do it more often. He can be a bit off with me when I’ve said no in the past but it’s better than this alternative.

He obviously doesn't really care if you want to have sex or enjoy it. Is there anything good about this relationship?

You can do this right now. You don’t need to wait until the moment.

Sit down with him and explain: I don’t know whether you realise or not, but there are times when you want sex and I don’t, but I go along with it anyway. I don’t want to do that anymore. In the future if you start trying to come onto me and I’m not interested I’m just going to say so rather than do it anyway’. Use your words.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a spouse to assume that if their partner doesn’t want to have sex with them they’ll say so, or not have sex with them. And that if they do go along with it and end up having sex they wouldn’t have done so unless they wanted it too.

Are there times where you do actually enjoy sex with him? Is it that he wants it too often or that you only want it occasionally?

Why don’t you want to have sex with him? Is it because you are just not in the mood, or is it something else?

I believe that sex is one of the most important things in a relationship.

I just can’t understand why for so long you’ve continued to have sex with a man when you don’t want it.

Is he abusive? Are there cultural issues at play where it’s just assumed that you’ll always be up for it? Is there past experiences in your life where you’ve refused sex and been assaulted? I’m struggling to understand how it’s gone on for so long that you’ve finally snapped and come onto a message board to talk about it rather than at any stage speaking to your husband?

I’m glad you have come here btw, if only to see that it’s not normal to keep having sex you don’t want. I’m just worried that there are deeper reasons and issues at play here for it to get to this point.