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Original poster

DP pestering for sex

100 replies

Petsimos · 07/06/2018 09:03

Hi all, wanted to get some perspective on this as I’m feeling pretty shit this morning.

My DP will frequently initiate sex on a night that I don’t want to have. If I don’t respond to him he continues to grope me until it’s easier to ‘give in’ and just have sex with him as I feel uncomfortable telling him to stop. This happened again last night and I now feel quite resentful and upset about it.

I don’t know how to raise this or explain to him how I feel. I think he must know when I don’t want sex and just not care, which makes me feel really negative towards him.

I was wondering how other people deal with this grey area I guess and advice on how to raise it without causing a row?

Thanks

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 07/06/2018 10:50

He can be a bit off=sulking, shouting, abusive? Coercive. Unreasonable behaviour.
Doubt I'd feel that friendly either.

chajazam · 07/06/2018 11:14

OP I think you have to accept this discussion may cause a row and also think about what you are prepared to do as a result of that row. You don’t have to go into the discussion aggressively- just be clear of your position and how you’re being made to feel. I don’t doubt he knows exactly what he’s doing.

Boundaries can be tough as sometimes it means leaving and you need to be prepared to accept that possibility. My worry, if you don’t have your boundaries thought through, is he will gaslight you into thinking you’re the problem and “if only you did this or that” will become the focus of the discussion rather than his behaviour. Baggage reclaim is a good site with information about boundaries and self esteem.

What he is doing is unacceptable.

ElMarineroBaila · 07/06/2018 11:18

Learn to stand up for yourself and say no!

RosieWoodChelt · 07/06/2018 14:01

I have had this repeatedly. I don't want sex during the week as I work hard and am exhausted. He needs respect no meaning no and discretely masturbate to release not expect you to concede sex you don't want.

Adora10 · 07/06/2018 14:05

Disgusting! He KNOWS you are not in the mood or want it, your Perogative, regardless of him being horny; he's forcing you to have sex with him because he does not give a fuck if you do or not; it's all about him and what he thinks he is entitled to; abusing your body basically, why on earth have you and still are putting up with this shit, it's rape, simple as that.

NordicNobody · 07/06/2018 16:11

I understand consent isn’t unenthusiastic all the time but i think it’s a bit disingenuous to suggest people aren’t aware when someone theyre having sex with isn’t enjoying it or interested in it.

I absolutely agree with this and am SO glad you said it yourself. Sleepy middle of the night sex isn't the same as obviously unenthusiastic sex. If you have to sit there for half an hour to an hour trying to "encourage" your clearly unenthusiastic partner to have sex, then you don't get to say you thought you were just doing normal foreplay. That's obviously not normal foreplay. No one would seriously think that was normal foreplay. If you try for a few minutes and get absolutely no response the normal thing to do is say "are you not really feeling it tonight?" Or "is this OK, are you enjoying it?" Or just take the hint and fucking stop already. You don't carry on for a bloody hour with no response and then when your partner reluctantly gives in (and I'm assuming from what OP has said that the actual act itself is not enthusiastic on her part either) assune that means they like it. I refuse to believe any one is that thick. It's got nothing to do with "being a mind reader" it's about caring more about your partner than your own dick. Which he doesn't.

So I agree with you OP, I think he knows you don't want to have sex. But he has sex with you anyway. You don't have to call it rape if you aren't comfortable doing so, but it sure as hell is wrong in every conceivable way. I really really hope you talk to him about it, firmly and directly, without caring if you hurt his feelings (because he clearly doesn't care if he hurts yours!) And if he doesn't respond immediately with 100% shame and contrition for his behaviour, if he isn't absolutely disgusted with himself for doing that to you, and if from that point on it ever happens again, ever, in any context, I hope you leave him.

SoapOnARoap · 07/06/2018 17:58

Say no & mean it. He’ll have to fend for himself. There’s plenty out there for him to look at on the internet, as we regularly read about on here.

What he is doing to you is wrong. Don’t put up with it

AnyFucker · 07/06/2018 18:03

Where is the "grey" area?

He knows you don't sex. He has sex on you anyway.

It's black and white to me.

AnyFucker · 07/06/2018 18:04

Don't want

oompapa · 07/06/2018 18:18

Rape is a strong word. A word I wasn't comfortable with, even with my ex....who did do that to me. A long time ago, still can't face counselling about it...but it happened and it's something I still can't accept that happened.
I hated him, but...I was young, naive, isolated and trapped with 2 babies 13 months apart by him. Awful time of my life.
Free now, but took a long time to recover from the abuse.

You really need to talk to your partner...out of bed...if he will listen. He may not realise how much of a caveman he is being.

AnyFucker · 07/06/2018 20:17

Of course he realises

SilverySurfer · 08/06/2018 00:50

i don't understand why you have been putting up with this for five years. I wouldn't have tolerated it for five minutes.

Say NO, make it as clear as you can, NO means NO. If he persists tell him to FUCK OFF.

PrizeOik · 08/06/2018 02:14

He's raping you. He doesn't care if you want to have sex or not, he just wants sex and will take it from you no matter how you respond. That's definitely rape.

The fact you don't seem keen to say out loud, and that this has gone on for five years, tells me this relationship is toxic and you should probably get out of it as quickly as possible. But I sense in your posts that you would prefer to stay? Which makes me sad for you. I think you deserve to be loved and treated with care, concern and respect xx

helacells · 08/06/2018 03:23

Enthusiastic consent. Google it.

category12 · 08/06/2018 06:14

So you're basically afraid of his reaction if you said no directly. Because he's then "off" with you. This shouldn't be happening, but you know that.

What's the rest of the relationship like?

WheelyCote · 08/06/2018 06:59

I think the question is, is the not wanting sex a new thing?

It's not cool of him to push it like this. I've been in your position and it's not a good feeling.

MSnotMRS · 08/06/2018 08:07

I really sympathise. My ex would sulk and be very hurt when I wasn’t in the mood. It would cause rows, and I used to dread bed time. Then this thing happened where I would wake up in the middle of the night very disoriented and he would be having sex with me. I’d be confused and end up going along with it. I would feel worried about going to sleep and would feel violated. When I would try and talk about how I felt he would be upset as he couldn’t help it. He likened it to sleepwalking and said it was too embarrassing to discuss. I felt guilty for mentioning it and thought it was my fault for not giving him enough sex. Wow sounds bad when write it back. It went on for a good few weeks and felt very murky.
Anyway I resolved to have six with him twice a week and the night thing stopped. 4 years on the relationship broke down though, and sex was a big part of the problem. Partly because I developed feelings for someone else, and sadly feel riddled with guilt about the whole thing. Not sure how far down the road with marriage and kids you are, but I’d say there are some big issues to address. Flowers

Chippyway · 08/06/2018 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NordicNobody · 08/06/2018 11:21

Chippyway saying that it wasn't rape because she didn't say no is a really dangerous and damaging message both for the OP and others in her situation who may read this thread. It can ABSOLUTELY still be rape even if she didn't say no or move away. This isn't about being a mind reader, this is about whether or not her partner might reasonably believe that she actually wants sex, and even the OP doesn't believe that. Now, the OP doesn't have to identify what's happening to her in any way she isn't ready to or comfortable with. No ones telling her to turn this guy into the police. But to say that her partner can honestly believe that an hour of groping and sex that receives NO response is consensual is, in the OPs own words, disingenuous. I've reported you post, not because you disagree with me, but because I think it's a very dangerous and "victim blaming" thing to have said.

OP, you aren't responsible for what's happening to you. It isn't your fault.

HollowTalk · 08/06/2018 11:28

You don’t say no. You don’t tell him you aren’t interested. You don’t stop him.

Wow. Didn't you read where the OP said, "it is obvious from my lack of responsiveness to him that I don’t want to have sex. The whole process can go on for half an hour to an hour and I absolutely hate it"?

cornishstripes · 08/06/2018 11:31

you should feel negatively towards him - he's not respecting a boundary you've set. Not getting into the semantics but why is this dynamic like this? You do need to sit down and talk about it, I also can't think a good man carries on with it if he's getting no response, but maybe he's not picking up on clues that you're not enthusiastic - which in itself is worrying, he can't be terribly good in bed.

cornishstripes · 08/06/2018 11:34

do you have other better kinds of sex, and he can't tell the difference between that and last night? If you don't, and it's all like this then you really do need to get rid of him, and if you do, why can't he tell the difference and why does he think it's ok to carry on?

NameChange30 · 08/06/2018 11:38

This is called sexual coercion and it’s abuse.
See [[
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/coercive_sexual_abuse.html Coercive Sexual Abuse]]

Is he abusive in other ways? See Am I in an abusive relationship? and Signs of emotional abuse.

NameChange30 · 08/06/2018 11:40

Argh link fail
coercive sexual abuse

differentnameforthis · 08/06/2018 11:41

Giving in is relenting.

Relenting isn't consenting. It's rape.

You can talk to him if you like, but do you really want to have sex with a man who 1] rapes you and 2 ] won't take no for an answer.