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Original poster

DP pestering for sex

100 replies

Petsimos · 07/06/2018 09:03

Hi all, wanted to get some perspective on this as I’m feeling pretty shit this morning.

My DP will frequently initiate sex on a night that I don’t want to have. If I don’t respond to him he continues to grope me until it’s easier to ‘give in’ and just have sex with him as I feel uncomfortable telling him to stop. This happened again last night and I now feel quite resentful and upset about it.

I don’t know how to raise this or explain to him how I feel. I think he must know when I don’t want sex and just not care, which makes me feel really negative towards him.

I was wondering how other people deal with this grey area I guess and advice on how to raise it without causing a row?

Thanks

OP posts:

SuperSuperSuper · 09/06/2018 10:27

My exH was like this. It's so nice to be in bed these days without being grabbed and pestered. I used to acquiesce just to get it over with as well. I wish I hadn't! It went on for tooooo long.

Gloryificus · 09/06/2018 10:49

marj25 really?
Just because it's up doesn't mean it needs to be used ffs a penis is not a perishable item!

marjorie25 · 11/06/2018 16:06

Gloryificus
Well you don't do it someone else will. Trust me he won't have to look/wait long. his release is out there.
I will be looking forward for you to write it and ask: My H is hitting someone up for sex because I refuse to have sex with him unless it s once a month.
Obviously you have a lot to learn about men.
If you want a happy man, make sure he is sexually satisfied, unless he is impotent or have a low sex drive.

marjorie25 · 11/06/2018 16:06

Deadringer · 11/06/2018 16:58

So Marjorie your advice is to keep your man happy at any cost, or else you will lose your man. you think you know all about men because you managed to nab one, who sounds like a selfish arse btw, but never mind, you hang on to him. i have been married for 30 years and have never, ever been pestered for sex, and no my dh is not impotent or lacking a sex drive, he understands that I am a person, and our sex life is not all about his 'release' as you so charmingly put it. And isn't a morning hard on related to the level of testosterone that has built up overnight in the bladder? Not because men need sex or they will explode.

Haffiana · 11/06/2018 18:18

God, Marj, how sad your poor life is. I guess you don't know any decent men.

AngelsSins · 11/06/2018 19:00

Well you don't do it someone else will. Trust me he won't have to look/wait long. his release is out there.
I will be looking forward for you to write it and ask: My H is hitting someone up for sex because I refuse to have sex with him unless it s once a month.
Obviously you have a lot to learn about men.
If you want a happy man, make sure he is sexually satisfied, unless he is impotent or have a low sex drive.

You know what else ends relationships? Men who treat their partners as wank socks, not caring for their pleasure at all. Women tend to leave men like this and look for more satisfying sex lives.

marjorie25 · 11/06/2018 21:18

Haffiana
My life is not sad, I have an orgasm every time we have sex and I have long, short and quickie sessions - in the mornings and at nights
You and the other women who are chastising me are not are not facing the facts.
Ask any mistress or any women having an affair with a man and they will tell you this.
Men think of sex totally different from us women and it have being proven.
I have a man that treats me like a queen, who have made my home life very comfortable: talk about: gym, sauna and all the niceties that you can imagine.
My advice to you and al the others is to a have a real conversation with a man - not your spouse and they will tell you what I have said is true.
I have serious discussions with my male friends, because we are all adults and we are comfortable with each other.

marjorie25 · 11/06/2018 21:21

AngelsSins
Which book did you read that in.
Sex is a two way street. Sometimes it more give than take. But continue in your fool's paradise and I will just log on waiting to read your story.
As I said to someone else, have a serious talk to a really good man friend and if he is really honest, he will not sugar coat the answer.

Wolfiefan · 11/06/2018 21:25

It have being proven?
You are being wrong.
Men (as opposed to arseholes and wankbadgers) are able to control their own dicks. They don't feel the need to pester a partner and coerce them into sex. I wouldn't live like that for any "niceties".

Haffiana · 11/06/2018 22:33

I have a man that treats me like a queen, who have made my home life very comfortable: talk about: gym, sauna and all the niceties that you can imagine.

This just proves you are a man! You are describing a prostitute, not a real woman!

ByeMF · 11/06/2018 22:36

Have you ever heard of respect marjorie?

Bananamanfan · 11/06/2018 22:52

Op, I would like to say that I think this is really common and happens in a lot of 'normal' relationships. I think it is something that can be resolved too. I posted on here about a similar issue and it gave me the reassurance that I needed to realise that I wasn't frigid or uncool, I was being presented with some deeply unattractive and unsexy behaviour. That was the problem, not me!

Your dp's behaviour is totally wrong and I hope you have the confidence and resolve to tell him so very firmly. Don't hide your anger.

Scott72 · 12/06/2018 02:37

OP, perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt? You're not telling him you're not interested. Perhaps he's genuinely not picking up on whatever signals you're sending him.

So you have to verbally refuse him, but let him down gently and also reassure him you will be having sex at some point in the near future. If he still keeps pestering you, then you need to educate him that this is only going to make you less inclined to want sex. Anyone should be able to cope with occasional rejection without getting testy.

But if the rejection is frequent, then that's when problems arise. Of course his idea and your idea of what's an appropriate frequency of sex may differ substantially. You will both have to communicate, in depth, about what is happening to clear up any misconceptions.

Celebelly · 12/06/2018 06:19

When it comes to men and sex, you have to work a little bit of psychology on them.*

Oh yes, you're really outsmarting them with your psychology of enabling and rewarding awful and predatory men by giving them blow jobs instead of telling them to fuck off. Good job.

Any man who happily has sex with someone who clearly isn't a willing participant or any man who can't accept that their partner just doesn't want to have sex is a disgrace. Just because it happens in a relationship or in the comfortable surroundings of your own home doesn't mean it's not rape. Even if you aren't comfortable branding it that, how can you stay with someone who has so little respect for you and thinks you're just a piece of meat they can use whenever they like?

Bananamanfan · 12/06/2018 06:49

I'm sorry Scott, but if the 'rejection is frequent' it's probably something he needs to fix. Firstly, by not being a sex pest/sexually abusive and then there are often a host of ways a male partner will take advantage of a female partner; forcing her (by opting out) to shoulder most of childcare, cleaning, cooking, shopping, planning... and simultaneously criticising how well she is doing at this. This is all very normal in heterosexual relationships and very unattractive.

SilverySurfer · 12/06/2018 09:24

When it comes to men and sex, you have to work a little bit of psychology on them

So you have to verbally refuse him, but let him down gently and also reassure him you will be having sex at some point in the near future

WTF? You need do neither of those two things. If you don't want sex you say NO and mean it. Women aren't a variety of holes put on earth for men to fuck, although you would have a hard time believing it reading some of this drivel.

Haffiana
"I have a man that treats me like a queen, who have made my home life very comfortable: talk about: gym, sauna and all the niceties that you can imagine."

gringringrin This just proves you are a man! You are describing a prostitute, not a real woman!

I see marjorie is still posting 19th century bullshit. Wonder what their hourly rate is?

hellsbellsmelons · 12/06/2018 09:30

and working out what I want to do about the relationship in general, which hasn’t been great
Well as he's quite happy to sexually assault you and rape you then I would imagine he has other abusive, misogynistic traits!?
If you have no children, please get away from this vile man.
It makes my stomach turn to think of a 'man' doing this.

eggncress · 12/06/2018 09:48

If he’s “off” with you when you refuse to have sex, that’s coercion. He knows you won’t want to put up with his sulking or other negative behaviour and agree to sex with him instead.
Think about it: Why does he feel happy having sex with an unwilling partner?
Will he sulk when you have “ the conversation” with him?
Sex should be a 2-way thing.

differentnameforthis · 12/06/2018 11:57

If you want a happy man, make sure he is sexually satisfied,

If a man would cheat on me because I don't want sex with him because he pesters me for it, and then sulks when I refuse, or carries on touching me when I make it clear I don't want him too, she is bloody welcome to him. Let's see how long it takes her to get pissed off with it!!

Their reaction to not getting sex when they expect/want it is actually a really good indication of who a man is. My dh is fine with it. In fact, due to various reasons throughout our 30yrs together we have been through various dry spells, for differing amounts of time. Not once did he even consider going elsewhere, because he is not a twat and marriage to him (to both of us) is about more then sex.

I wouldn't want a man who thinks his right to insert his penis into a vagina is bigger than my right to say no.

blackteasplease · 12/06/2018 15:25

Nothing such a turn off as pestering or wheeling for sex. Nothing. Well except sulking about it.

I agree with those who say this is totally unacceptable and a good reason to ditch the whole relationship.

Is it rape? Legally it's down to whether he could have reasonably believed she was consenting, but definitely not on either way!

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/06/2018 15:42

You have enthusiastic sex with him. He knows the difference. He just doesn't care.

You might not want to call it rape but a man who has sex with someone he knows doesn't want to have sex with them... is a rapist.

FinallyHere · 12/06/2018 16:08

continues to grope me until it’s easier to ‘give in’ and just have sex with him

In a toddler this is called pester power. Best not to give in to it. Can you really enjoy sex with someone who pestered you to join in.

Why are you still with this man?

SilverySurfer · 12/06/2018 18:12

differentnameforthis
My dh is fine with it. In fact, due to various reasons throughout our 30yrs together we have been through various dry spells, for differing amounts of time. Not once did he even consider going elsewhere, because he is not a twat and marriage to him (to both of us) is about more then sex

I suggest the difference is that your DH is an adult whereas the OP's DP is a whining man-child.

differentnameforthis · 13/06/2018 01:24

@SilverySurfer sometimes but especially at the important times.

I was addressing marjorie25 mostly.

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