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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP pestering for sex

100 replies

Petsimos · 07/06/2018 09:03

Hi all, wanted to get some perspective on this as I’m feeling pretty shit this morning.

My DP will frequently initiate sex on a night that I don’t want to have. If I don’t respond to him he continues to grope me until it’s easier to ‘give in’ and just have sex with him as I feel uncomfortable telling him to stop. This happened again last night and I now feel quite resentful and upset about it.

I don’t know how to raise this or explain to him how I feel. I think he must know when I don’t want sex and just not care, which makes me feel really negative towards him.

I was wondering how other people deal with this grey area I guess and advice on how to raise it without causing a row?

Thanks

OP posts:
Eatmycheese · 08/06/2018 11:41

He doesn’t care if you are enthusiastic and responsive. If he did, this would happen and you’d say not right now I’m not up for it and he’d leave it at that. And it would not be a regular thing

He’s the sexual equivalent of coastal erosion and that’s not good.

The irony being of course he will kill any desire off in you completely off soon if he carries on behaving this way.

NameChange30 · 08/06/2018 11:45

Is the “rape” word helpful to the OP? If we’re going to be pedantic it probably is rape. But the thread has already been derailed enough by debate over whether it is or isn’t rape.

Can we agree that it’s coercion and abuse, and focus on supporting the OP?

cornishstripes · 08/06/2018 11:47

yes agree emma, whatever it is, it needs to stop as it is unacceptable.

Original poster
Petsimos · 08/06/2018 11:55

Really sad and sorry to hear about some of your experiences . Flowers

For those who asked the sex isn’t like this all the time, there is usually equal amounts of enthusiasm. This is what happens on the occasions I’m not interested in having sex.

I’m soon to be away from home for a few weeks, so will be speaking to him before i go and working out what I want to do about the relationship in general, which hasn’t been great. You’ve given me a lot to think about!

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 08/06/2018 11:56

I personally find that when some men are horny they get blinders in where all they see is their end goal and nothing else Please! Men are not like this.

Rape is a bit far No it's not. OP is giving in, she isn't consenting. Ergo = rape.

If OP doesn't say no or make it clear sex isn't on the cards how is he supposed to know Please. he is her dp, he knows when she is happy to have sex or not, he just doesn't care.

Consent isn't complicated. Everyone knows if they have it.

@Chippyway Please google rape myths. Your post is full of them.

cornishstripes · 08/06/2018 11:58

sounds a good plan - you need to call time on this behaviour whether you end the relationship or not it must be on his last legs, it's pretty crap if he knows that's not enthusiastic and he's going on regardless - when did he decide he was entitled to do that?

differentnameforthis · 08/06/2018 11:59

Is the “rape” word helpful to the OP? Well only the op can answer that, can't she?

But I really don't think we should stop calling it what it is, especially as you can see from other poster's comments, there are still plenty of myths around men and sex and rape.

Missingstreetlife · 08/06/2018 12:43

Can anyone find the cup of tea post. He needs to read that, and know what his right arm is for

AnyFucker · 08/06/2018 13:10
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 08/06/2018 13:57

When he doesn’t get it (the sex, I mean) he is off with you.
So? Let him be off then. Stop caring so much what he thinks. He certainly isn’t offering you much respect. Bounce that ball right back at him.

It is nice you will have a few days away. Perhaps consider that this relationship has run its course.

marjorie25 · 09/06/2018 00:42

Mine does this and this is what I do. I explain that I am tired and once I get a couple of hours sleep, get up early and we have a quickie before work.
What we as women need to understand that men view sex in a different light than us women. Why do you think they wake up with a hard on every morning.
What I would say as someone who knows exactly what you are experiencing is to find a happy compromise, otherwise he will find it elsewhere.
Sex is extremely important to men and if they are not getting it at home, they will get it some place else - don't be fooled.
It does not have to be a long session, 15 minutes or give him a blow job - yes, ladies - a blow job and he would gladly go to sleep.
When it comes to men and sex, you have to work a little bit of psychology on them.

Oswin · 09/06/2018 00:52

If my partner was like the men you know marj i would want them to fuck off with another woman. Your post is disgusting

PickAChew · 09/06/2018 00:56

MN is full of handmaidens, lately :(

PickAChew · 09/06/2018 00:58

A man's morning glory is purely a response if the autonomic nervous system. It doesn't grant them an entitlement to sex with s partner who isn't in the mood.

AornisHades · 09/06/2018 01:07

If he's mostly a good guy then sit him down and tell him that 'YES' means yes but everything else means NO. If it's taking 30 minutes to manoeuvre you into 'willing' it really is givimg in.
Draw that line. Make it explicit. He should already know but if you want to give him a chance then do so. But if he strops or ignores your clear message then you know he has no regard for you.

Heismyopendoor · 09/06/2018 01:08

Wow Marj that’s sad!

OP I think you are doing the right thing. Think what you would tell your friend if she told you she was in the same situation?

It doesn’t sound like you are getting anything good from this relationship at all.

differentnameforthis · 09/06/2018 02:14

@marjorie25

Even if men do view sex differently, it doesn't make it OK for him to badger his partner until she relents (relenting isn't consenting) he isn't entitled to a blow job, they aren't entitled to our bodies when they like and we do not have to give in in order to prevent them "getting it elsewhere", that's what men tell you in order to make sure you give in to sex.

If a man cheats on his partner, it is because he is an entitled arse, who is using two women for sex, instead of one.

When it comes to men and sex, you have to work a little bit of psychology on them. No. When it comes to men and sex, they (the men) need to respect our boundaries and stop thinking we are there purely for their fucking pleasure.

If your user name is indicative of your age, you have A LOT to learn.

differentnameforthis · 09/06/2018 02:18

15 minutes or give him a blow job - yes, ladies - a blow job and he would gladly go to sleep. Are you really telling every woman on MN to literally suck it for some peace and quite?

Doesn't that make you an enabler, or something?

differentnameforthis · 09/06/2018 02:43

*quiet

AnyFucker · 09/06/2018 07:21

Oh marg this is 2018, love.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 09/06/2018 07:57

I’m 99% sure marjorie25 is a man tbh, from what they’ve posted.

Wolfiefan · 09/06/2018 08:03

Some really disturbing responses on here.
If you don't want to have sex you say no. If he pesters he can fuck off and sleep elsewhere. Ditto having a sulk over your refusal.
He's not a child who needs management. He doesn't need sex.
He needs to grow up and respect you and your wishes.

SilverySurfer · 09/06/2018 09:15

marjorie25 the 19th Century called, said it's time for you to go back.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam
I’m 99% sure marjorie25 is a man tbh, from what they’ve posted.

Having read some of their other posts, I think you're right.

hildabaker · 09/06/2018 09:20

My exH was always like that, pestering, pestering every day for sex and turning nasty when I refused. It was lovely when I got rid of him.

Dieu · 09/06/2018 09:58

You don't want to have sex with him. He pesters you for sex.

This situation is the death knell to any relationship, so why are you with him? Confused

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