How to get hubby over my NUMBER

[BusyBeeMummy1]

LONG story curlt straight down. Im from an indian background. Had my 'wild' years then met a great guy through mutual family friends as a dinner party. We got married 5 months later and really happy. This was a few years ago. However him and I have kept a dark secret which I can only discuss with MN for advice.

I wasnt a Virgin when we married, but he was. I didnt think my past had any place in my future and he never asked prior marriage. A few months into our marriage and he saw some olddddd messages from a guy. This opened a can of worms. He forced me to tell him about my past relationships and sexual partners. I told him and he was devestated. It rocked us and I feel like to this day its affecting our marriage. He isnt emotionally connected to me anymore. We have good days where things feel normal ans we have bad days where he will say oh well Im not the one screwing X amount of people. How can i resolve this problem once and for all because i always try to brush it under the carpet but i see its just lingering. I really feel this is causing a breakdown..he says you lied to me in the beginning how can I trust you

Thanks

You can't. You did nothing wrong at all. It's up to him to grow up and get past it.

This is not your problem. It's his problem. There's nothing you can do about it.

If you want my honest advice, hand on heart, I encourage you to end this marriage. Men who think things like this about women just need to marry virgins and live in their own dream world of misogynist nonsense.

It's a real shame that you didn't discover his archaic attitudes before marrying him. You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to resolve. If this was vitally important to him he should have made it clear before marrying you.

Needless to say his attitude about this is ridiculous. I would make it clear that he is damaging your relationship, and that it's something he needs to find a way to get over. Using it as a way of attacking you to win arguments is shitty. I would make it clear that you won't tolerate it and he needs to make clear steps to address his issues, otherwise the relationship will have to end.

I agree with Prize. You can't resolve this problem because it isn't your problem it's his. And he doesn't want to resolve it, he wants to use it as a tool to hurt you and bully you.

If I were you, I'd end the marriage. You deserve to be treated nicely and valued as a person and a partner.

He's a misogynist. His attitude is completely wrong and you have nothing to feel ashamed of.
If he can't move on and stop bringing up your past then you should leave him.

I think you need to take a stand - he needs to stop throwing this in your face, you did nothing wrong. He needs to get therapy or you need to split.

It kind of depends really. Did he think you were a virgin when you married? Did you both have those discussions before marriage or was nothing said and you assumed that he would guess you had guys in the past and he assumed you hadn’t?

I suspect he feels that he hasn’t been told the truth and you feel it’s none of his business. No one is right or wrong.

It think all you can do is have it out. Telll him everything, lay it on the line and he either accepts it and moves on or doesn’t and you have to think about drawing the marriage to a close. He has to be aware those are the choices.

What PrizeOik says. It’s his misogynistic views that are ruining your relationship, not your past.

He sounds ridiculous but being from an Asian family myself I know that it's expected that women will be virgins when they marry. However it's one rule for men and another for us.One of my cousins is living with his girlfriend, yet I was actually called a slut and a whore for liking someone when I've never even kissed him.

How long will he hold this over your head for?

Did he think you were a virgin when you married? Did you both have those discussions before marriage or was nothing said and you assumed that he would guess you had guys in the past and he assumed you hadn’t?

This.

You haven't done anything wrong (unless, perhaps, if you always knew it would be an issue and were happy to keep quiet about it - in which case you were very careless keeping old messages hanging around on your phone).

Anyway - what's done is done.

Would some sort of joint/marriage counselling work ? Some would argue it's his issue - not yours - but I think you need to have a discussion about this in a safe space.

Erm. Why are we all laying into this guy? Have you all missed that he was a virgin? So he’s not asking for different standards for him and her. It says at the end, he feels lied to. None of us know whether he was or not.

Is he not allowed to have 'dealbreakers'? To us it might seem irrelevant but obviously not to him.

Did he think you were a virgin before you married? If not, he needs to get over himself. If he did, then I can understand him being upset.

Yes, of course footballmum - he has every right to hold these misogynistic, unpleasant views and to make her feel unhappy and ashamed for the rest of her life. That's what good husbands do, isn't it?

People like you are part of the problem!

Why is he being misogynistic Cambionome? He’s not holding her to a higher standard than he’s held himself. He feels lied to. Why are his feelings not important?

I missed the bit where he was a virgin too. Is he also Indian? Perhaps there is a lot of cultural in ingraining playing on his mind. Did he think you were a virgin too? Then I can understand his shock but his behavior towards you is unacceptable.
You could try counseling, however if it is a fundamental cultural divide, which has been highlighted by your "number" then you may end up going your separate ways.

Do you have children op? ( I have just seen.your user name.) If you do then you need counseling to make his see that he risks breaking up a family over something that can never be changed. He needs to deal with his attitude.

If he wants to rescue your relationship he will seek counselling and maybe then couples counselling to talk together in a safe place. He has a serious problem and selfishly he has made it a problem for you too. If he is not able to see it as his issue then you won't be able to stay together. Btw you might decide not to anyway now that you know how he can behave towards you, I'm sorry.

Did he ask you prior to marriage - “are you a virgin?”

If not, you haven’t lied.

Why are you calling being a virgin having a "high standard" Buggered? Not being a virgin on marriage is surely the norm nowadays in our society.

Unless you suggested to him that you were a virgin before you married him then this is completely his issue.

As PP have said, all you can do is have it out with him. Tell him he either accepts it and let's it go or he goes. It's your past, it's helped make you into the person you are, the person he fell in love with. You've done literally NOTHING wrong. He needs to give his head a wobble

Being a virgin isn't having a higher standard, it's a choice no more or less than choosing to have sex with people.

If requiring a virgin was that important to him then he should have been very clear about it beforehand! And now, if it's a deal breaker he should also make that clear and end the relationship.

Not your problem in the slightest. I've no idea how many people DH slept with before me. As you say, separation of past and future. Come to think of, I can't remember my own number either...I've clearly been married for too long

He's been like this for several years now? What a baby. I'd tell him to grow up or feck off.

In the OP it clearly says 'he never asked prior to marriage'. If it was that important to him, he should have asked. So he needs to get over himself

What an idiot. He is the one that needs to sort his mind out. He’s just going to use this against you whenever he can and forever how long he feels like. Making you feel guilty and ashamed.
I would leave him I think xx