How to get hubby over my NUMBER

[BusyBeeMummy1]

LONG story curlt straight down. Im from an indian background. Had my 'wild' years then met a great guy through mutual family friends as a dinner party. We got married 5 months later and really happy. This was a few years ago. However him and I have kept a dark secret which I can only discuss with MN for advice.

I wasnt a Virgin when we married, but he was. I didnt think my past had any place in my future and he never asked prior marriage. A few months into our marriage and he saw some olddddd messages from a guy. This opened a can of worms. He forced me to tell him about my past relationships and sexual partners. I told him and he was devestated. It rocked us and I feel like to this day its affecting our marriage. He isnt emotionally connected to me anymore. We have good days where things feel normal ans we have bad days where he will say oh well Im not the one screwing X amount of people. How can i resolve this problem once and for all because i always try to brush it under the carpet but i see its just lingering. I really feel this is causing a breakdown..he says you lied to me in the beginning how can I trust you

Thanks

this is awful. he's holding you to account for something that you can't change and you don't see as a problem. it's his problem. he has to come to terms with it but to continue with this punishment is not on.

He should have asked prior to marriage if it was important to him, it was to me as I didn't expect a virgin but didn't want somebody who had slept around a lot.

We don't know what he was led to believe even if he didn't outright ask the question. It sounds like the OP knew he would have an issue with this but didn't realise how much it would affect him when it came out. If marrying a virgin then there are some obvious believes there usually so the OP should have been honest pre marriage when he admitted to his sexual status.

My DH was a virgin when we married (christian) I wasn't. He has never once made it an issue but he did know beforehand.
You can't change the past, but your number hasn't changed who you are, the person he married only his perception, so yes, it's his problem. I can see he felt lied to by omission but you can't spend your whole life having that thrown into your face. I think you need to do what other PP have said, tell him it's his problem to get over, he is stressing the marriage. You can ask him what he needs to come to terms with it, and ask if he needs anything from you (accept a time machine) to help him BUT you have done nothing wrong, if your past was a deal breaker for him he should have made it clear.

he will say oh well Im not the one screwing X amount of people

I'd give him the death stare and reply, 'x amount so far.'

Ask if he wants to continue being married to you, because you don't want your past relationships having a place in your marriage.

If he can't deal with it and wants to keep bringing it up... you need to decide if you want the marriage.

Id talk to him and suggest you both see A good couples counsellor, I don't think it'll resolve itself.

@Cambionome
Wow! I never said it was okay to be a misogynistic areshole, so please don't jump down my throat. I simply said if she lied about being a virgin he has a right to be upset about that.
Trust me I am absolutey not part of the problem. I'm the kind of woman who dislikes stripclubs, porn and slut shaming.
The way he has reacted is out of order. Her past should never matter unless she has lied about it.

But of course the first comment you saw you could pick apart you did!

Sorry girls i dont think i pointed out that i didnt lead him to believe or lie and say im a virgin prior to marriage we simply never discussed it and I thought that was because it wasnt important. Yes he most likely thought i was or rather he assumed I was due to our background.
When he found out he said he wanted a divorce and was really hurt. Then he decided to move on... were a baby and a house on now and he still says you lied to me in the beginning.. you deceived me. I honestly wouldnt have minded if he wasnt a virgin because what happens before you has nothing to do with you (in my view). I want us to seek counselling as a few times hes mentioned he wishes he could talk to someone but because none of our family/friends know its hard - it would ruin my reputation its just taboo amongst my family.

Any of you ladies tried couples counselling? What are your thoughts?
Divorce is on the cards because i dont want him to be deep down unhappy his whole life and blame me. However because we have a beautiful DC whos 1 and just bought a house together etc I want to say I gave it everything and rn i feel counselling is our last resort, I still have a little bit of trying within me. I also dont want to make a drastic decision like file for divorce because I worry I will regret it deeply.

What a mess my marriage is

counselling is our last resort

Not a last resort - get cracking - get counselling asap. Make sure you get one that is sensitive to your culture....

It's not a mess.
Your DH is an arse.
He will forever use this as a 'stick to beat you with'
This will be your life forever.

You could try couples counselling.
It might help.
But I fear, this is him.
He's a misogynist and you can't change that about him.
His resentment for you will keep building.

Honestly, as others have said, I think you need to end it.
This will make you miserable forever.

It's not necessarily misogynistic - it would be if he had slept around and expected his wife to be a virgin. And if they are from the same background he assumed that they would both be virgins, which is a foolish assumption to make but I can see why he did. His reaction is totally disproportionate to the situation however and needs further interrogating - what is it exactly that he's so hurt about? You didn't lie to him, he made an assumption and besides, it really is irrelevant given that you're married and have a child now.

DH and I have never spoken about our 'number' but I am fairly sure he was a virgin when we married due to religious beliefs. But we both reassured each other that the past is in the past and as long as neither of have any medical reason to disclose any sexual interactions then there's no need to go there.

@ausfrosty good point I will try and find someone with a good understanding of our culture because it plays a big role.

@lifebeginner thanks this helps me to think its not the done thing to just come out and disclose everything. I agree with re-assuring one another I think its like a male ego thing.

@hellsbells its a concern for me that things will not change but I do want us to try counselling because I just feel like weve never really hashed it out in a safe place. Men arent great with talking or expressing their inner emotions.

Honestly the only question he should be asking is 'is she going to forgive me to being a grade a arsehole'

If he thinks marriage is just about a bloody number that's really immature.

I'm so sorry OP.. I wouldn't even consider going to counselling .. he's behaving really badly..

@yy58 LOL i thought hed be more mature but we did marry in our mid twenties i sometimes tell him to get over it too but have come to learn that its not a productive or meaningful thing to say and if it comes from a counsellor it would be better perhaps. Also i think when you have no relationship to compare by you would think of this relationships shit because we argue etc but when you have experience (like i do) i know that its pretty NORMAL and pass and parcel of being in a relationship...you argue, disagree, frustrate one another at times but bad days together doesnt necessarily mean a bad life together.. but he doesnt have that exposure due to never being in a relationship before me. He blames me rather than relationships in general being that nature (hope that makes sense)

@gemini69 should i be re-assuring to him that hes the one i love and want to be with? I think its a male pride thing at times where they feel insecure when it comes to other men

I think if you pander to his misplaced ego and pride around this then it will seem like you agree that you have done something wrong.

He needs to stop dicking you about. If he wants to remain in the relationship then he needs to let this go, stop bringing it up and stop holding it against you. If he can't or won't do that, then it's not fair on you and I would separate.

Other PP have got it covered, it’s his issue not yours and he needs to be told that if he can’t move past it the marriage will end.

In the future, I think it’d be much better not to rush into marriage like this time, OP. Five months obviously wasn’t long enough to properly get to know each other, your views and expectations and history. Not to mention that I’m sure a portion of those five months was taken up with planning the wedding so you must have gotten engaged very very quickly. It was a mistake and now you’re married to a man you barely knew who has completely different views on sexuality and relationships. Please don’t rush into the next relationship or marriage!

Not being a virgin on marriage is surely the norm nowadays in our society.

In our society, yes - our western society. Op makes it clear they're is a big cultural slant to this, therefore our western views don't entirely apply. I am shocked at the narrow views expressed so far, that assumes our western culture is the only culture and the only culture of any worth.

Of course this has a mysoginist bias but what culture doesn't?! We are lucky in that our culture is more progressive in that sense - tho tbf we have a great deal to learn from other cultures in terms of eg family. Swings and roundabouts: we are not the best, or only, culture.

His cultural believes will run very deep - as they do with all of us. He is not being a dick in terms of his culture, he is genuinely distressed. Though what he does with that is another thing: it isn't an excuse for abuse.

Op it looks like you are straddled between the two cultures. I would see a couples counsellor whose speciality is your indigenous culture - you don't want a counselor who doesn't understand your backgrounds and slaps on the same narrow views expressed in this thread.

Fascinating that not holding misogynistic views is considered narrow minded!

Treating your wife like shit isn't cultural.

Surely it's more important to be the LAST not the first. He needs to sort it out. Dreadful attitude.

I want us to seek counselling as a few times hes mentioned he wishes he could talk to someone but because none of our family/friends know its hard - it would ruin my reputation its just taboo amongst my family.

This is probably why he assumed you were a virgin if it would ruin your reputation. I think he's probably quite immature about this and as he can't talk to anyone is lashing out at you. I think it is a tricky one because it's obviously a family issue as well as his regarding shame. It must be quite a difficult mindset to change if his friends feel the same way. I think it could be good to talk to someone professional.

If you pander to his misplaced ego and pride around this then it will seem like you agree that you have done something wrong.

Agree.

Narrow as in ignorant - of other cultures and deeply held and felt beliefs; which may be repugnant to our western beliefs but are deeply held nonetheless.

I think you are being disingenuous op. You know full well what this means to him, the enormous taboo of this. You have married a man from your Indian culture, not a western man. It is unfair of you to expect him to have western beliefs.

He needs some counselling. I'm guessing this is a cultural thing in that he made some (incorrect) assumptions about your experience and is struggling to come to terms with the reality. While it is his problem, you may need to be patient while he works through his feelings about it.