How to get hubby over my NUMBER

[BusyBeeMummy1]

LONG story curlt straight down. Im from an indian background. Had my 'wild' years then met a great guy through mutual family friends as a dinner party. We got married 5 months later and really happy. This was a few years ago. However him and I have kept a dark secret which I can only discuss with MN for advice.

I wasnt a Virgin when we married, but he was. I didnt think my past had any place in my future and he never asked prior marriage. A few months into our marriage and he saw some olddddd messages from a guy. This opened a can of worms. He forced me to tell him about my past relationships and sexual partners. I told him and he was devestated. It rocked us and I feel like to this day its affecting our marriage. He isnt emotionally connected to me anymore. We have good days where things feel normal ans we have bad days where he will say oh well Im not the one screwing X amount of people. How can i resolve this problem once and for all because i always try to brush it under the carpet but i see its just lingering. I really feel this is causing a breakdown..he says you lied to me in the beginning how can I trust you

Thanks

Disliking other cultures attitudes is not being ignorant of them.

He alone needs counselling OP.... to be reminded that woman are not objects that sit on a shelf until they are chosen by a Husband .. good lord no Lovely... let him sort out his own ego....stop beating yourself up

Where does OP say her husband is Indian? I didn’t see that?

It is dangerous to use someone’s perceived cultural beliefs as a justification for abusive behaviour, and frankly springy I find your comment: You have married a man from your Indian culture, not a western man. It is unfair of you to expect him to have western beliefs. disturbing in the extreme.

I’m in a long term committed relationship with a man whose parents are from India (he’s second generation immigrant), he doesn’t use that as a justification for emotionally abusing me about my past, a past he could easily have asked me about prior to marriage if it’s that important.

OP is not at fault here. If it was so improvement to her husband he should have brought it up before marriage. Not kept quiet and now be using his own failure to get to know his bride properly (five months is a rush into marriage) to beat her with.

Important not improvement.

Sorry to go against the majority, but it is not as simple as saying 'premarital sex is normal here'. In our (Indian) culture, I would argue that premarital sex is still not the norm and OP was kidding herself to assume he wasn't expecting her to be a virgin.

To me, what the DH is feeling is no different to anyone else who had a strongly held belief - however romanticised - about what marriage would be like and find it to be inaccurate. There are some things that a grown adult can guess need to be mentioned before getting married and past relationships is one of them. Just like massive existing debts, wanting to have kids or not etc. Even in English culture, the topic of past boyfriends usually comes up before marriage I think.

But the issue of how to move forward, on that I agree with the rest of you that OP can't fix it - its for DH to get past if he can. So no constructive help at all, I'm afraid. Would you consider saying that if you could take it back you would? As wrong as it may be, the quickest way to soothe his ego and stabilise family life (if that's what you want) would be to say it was all a mistake. But if you are holding out for this traditionalist to accept your rights to premarital sex, then you are in for the long haul. And no doubt it will rear its head again when your daughters are teenagers. If he hasn't told his family there's probably good reason to be hopeful?

You were perfectly entitled to have a normal sex life before you met your husband. You did absolutely nothing wrong.

The key issue, however, is : Were you honest about your previous sexual experience? Did you know he was a virgin? Did you mislead him into believing you were also a virgin?

If you were honest with him, he is a misogynist idiot who needs to sort out his appalling attitudes.

If you weren’t completely honest with him, then it is understandable that he is angry and upset. You can’t change the past, so you both need to work out how to move on together, or separate.

If she wasn't honest, he is still a misogynistic idiot who needs to sort his shit out. Just one who wouldn't have been in a relationship with the OP had he known, which would have saved @BusyBeeMummy1 all this aggro.

It isn't an excuse for abuse, to quote myself.

"You were perfectly entitled to have a normal sex life before you met your husband'
Yes, but normal for INdian Hindu culture (men and women in most socioeconomic groups) is no premarital sex. OP - you say you thought it wouldn't be an issue for him because he didn't ask. Is that really true? Or did you suspect it would be an issue but winged it and never expected it to be this big of an issue?
Accordingly you can strategise.....it's easy to say he is at fault for having a huge misogynistic ego. Or you can consider that he may feel as you would've if he'd had a secret family hidden away all this time. i.e something he thought you were doing together exclusively is not so.
I think your best strategy depends on how much you're willing to accept 'fault'. If you truly feel there was no reason to believe he would've minded and therefore that you were not negligent in discussing it with him, then stand your ground. But if in your heart of hearts you knew he was assuming you were a virgin, then accepting that you misjudged the situation and should've told him may be helpful.

Unicorn where did OP say her husband was Indian? PP mentioned it too but I’ve re read her posts and still missed it.

He has no right to judge her on what happened before they were together. She has done nothing wrong and has not lied. He needs to get over himself.

re OP's DH being Indian - I only inferred when she said about 'our' culture. You're right that she didn't say so specifically. If he is from a western culture then I retract most of what I've said before which is all rooted in what I know of Indian marriage expectations.

So, a few a months into your marriage you discussed this and years on he's still throwing it into your face? Dude has had time to adjust. I agree that counseling or something is needed asap because you shouldn't have to live like this.

There was a lot of things in my past my spouse didn't know when we got married (while he was a virgin when we met and he did know I wasn't, there was a lot of other stuff some of it sexual we just didn't discuss). He's never used that or the issues I've gone through since which was mostly rooted in my past against me. To do so wouldn't be the loving behaviour one should expect in a friend, let alone a spouse.

I think he is just gonna use this to throw at you. He sounds as though he was lacking in confidence before he met you and still is. With a baby to keep you busy you cant be looking after a "man child" who is throwing strops at you left right and centre. Tell him if he mentions it again then you want a divorce as its just purely fucking annoying and the more he goes on about it the less respect and love you will have for him.

Have you ever apologised to him for keeping the truth from him? It sounds like you knew all along he thought you were a virgin but you never intended on telling him the truth. You can't keep secrets like that from someone you plan to marry. That takes away his informed choice.

When he found out he said he wanted a divorce and was really hurt.

You should have granted it to him. Life is too short to be dealing with moronic attitudes like his. He will use this as a stick to beat and slut shame you every time you have a disagreement. He has the problem, you have done nothing wrong.

Well if you're going to pander to it then hope it goes well for you.

Your before number is nobodies business, including your families.

@DrunkUnicorn

Interesting perspective that moral values for emigrés from India seem to be stuck in the decade in which they emigrated, eg 50s, 60s, 70s and passed down the generations. Despite India moving on & modernising, and the presence of the internet and airplanes.

I doubt very much he will ever get over this and it will be used against you for the rest of time.

Ask him what he thinks you can do about it now.

Ask for his suggestions on how to unfuck all of those guys 🤷🏻‍♀️

Have you pointrd put that the only way forward is for him to get over it? That is literally the only thing to be done now. If he didn't you marriage will inevitably fail. Don't have any more children with him.

Not your problem. Past is in the past. I openly told my dh about my extremely eventful prior party lifestyle and all that came with it... he laughed and said oh well. He was also a virgin. We both used my acquired expertise to our relationships favour...