DH's sister upset about him wanting to be a known donor

[lifeisarollercoasterbaby]

About 3 months ago some good friends of ours approached us to ask if DH would be a known donor for them, using IVF. We were very surprised by the request, but had several catch ups with them to understand how it would work and the implications, and after much debate decided it was the right thing to do - we both initially had concerns but they were answered and now we're both happy with the process and to go forward.
DH will not be 'dad', but will be a family friend that the child can ask questions of as they grow up, on the research they have done this is good for the child (has been confirmed to us by a child psychologist).
Recently they contacted us, saying that they'd got some advice and that we should inform DH's immediate family - essentially his mum and sister. Our friends said they were happy for his family to have contact with the potential child, but they wouldn't be considered 'grandma' or 'aunty' etc (same as the fact that DH isn't Dad).
So we told them, face to face, explaining why we'd come to the decision.
Enter - disaster!
DH's mum is calm but worried about the impact the potential future child will have on our family... fine, I can understand that - there is risk involved.
DH's sister is angry, hurt and very upset - mainly saying DH is abandoning the child and denying her the right to be an aunty to the child. She's accusing DH of being cold and unloving. She's saying she will love the potential child as much as she loves our own two children and will not accept that she can't see him/her on birthdays, christmas etc.
We've tried talking to her several times but she's now saying she can't sleep, it's affecting her work & life, we've upset her too greatly, we've caused a rift in the family, etc etc.
This has obviously upset DH (and me!) a lot as during her upset periods about this she has said some pretty nasty things about both of us and although she can be a handful, she's his sister and he doesn't want to cause her pain.
Now we had to have IVF and had to consider donor sperm for our treatment, which is maybe why we think about this differently to her. To us, family isn't necessarily genetic - it's so many factors that genes are only a small part of.
So now we're in a dilemma - do we put his sisters feelings first and say no to our friends (even though it feels like emotional blackmail) or do we go ahead and let her hopefully get over it in her own time...
Thoughts?

It may not even work.
Is his sister always this dramatic?
She is totally entitled to her own feelings but she has no say over this potential baby and when she can and can't see it.
Just like she wouldn't able to with yours!
If you want to do birthday stuff without her then that's fine.
I think you need to do what you feel is right.
And she will have to suck it up.

I am not going to be as diplomatic as HellsBells, tell her to do one.

She needs to fuck off out of your business tbh.

You let her know as a courtesy. And now she thinks she's got a casting vote.

Tell her you've dropped the idea and your friends are going with "other donor" then go ahead with your original plan.

I don’t think it’s any of her business what you decide to do. And indeed, if you had gone ahead without telling family members, as many would do, she would be none the wiser.
But, if she’s going to act like this to you, might she play up towards your friends, the baby’s new family? What if she starts turning up on their doorstep demanding to see her “DN”? It’s only fair to discuss this possibility with them; it’s all part of the implications and possible issues that may come to light in the process of doing what you’re doing.

None of her business. It’s simply not about her and only affects her if she’s going to be self absorbed about it.

I am not going to be as diplomatic as HellsBells
Haha - I'm not often accused of that

I don’t know. This is a tough one. She will have a Niece that she will not be allowed have a relationship with. DNA is important. We have a genetic disease in our family so I have a different perspective.

It's nothing to do with her. Can you send a message something to this effect:

'Hi Sister

We're sorry you're upset by the recent decisions made by me and DH. However, we feel the time has come for us to move forward with our plans without further input from you. This is a decision we have made between the two of us in order to help our friends have a much wanted child of their own. Once born, the baby won't be a part of mine and DH's family, so, at extension, not part of your family either. We would appreciate privacy from this point forward so that we can continue to do what is best for our friends and their potential child.'

I think a message might be better so that she can't interrupt with her hysterics.

You said you had concerns at first. So does she. You had your friends to walk you through and reassure you of everything. She feels on her own and helpless in this situation. If you're friends could talk with her like they talked with you she might come around just like you.

Wow. Does she understand that she doesn't in fact have "the right" to some special "auntie" access to your existing children on their birthdays and at Christmas either?

Would she try to go to court or call 999 if you booked a holiday over Christmas and didn't invite her along?

She doesn't sound anchored in reality...

On the other hand if you had to consider sperm donation yourselves doesn't that mean your DH, lovely though he probably is, isn't really a practical choice as someone else's donor? Do your friends know that you had to consider donation yourselves?

I think she's being extremely over dramatic. She has to understand that this baby won't be yours and DH's son or daughter, it will be somebody else's.

You told her as a courtesy. She is disrespecting that courtesy.

As another poster said though, do your friends know that you were considering using donor sperm? Really, sperm donors should be 100%

I think she’s acting badly.

But I also think she’s onto something. How well you get on with family members (and others) on an instinctive level is closely linked to how many genes you have in common. That’s a big part of why some siblings get on famously with one another and some don’t.

I don’t think it’s massively relevant to her, but it could be relevant to your DC. They could share up to 50% of DNA (maybe more due to random matches passed down from the mother’s side. One or other or both of the them could be genetically closer to the linked child than they are to one another. Will they be considered half-siblings?

Also, are there any mitigating background factors for his DSis to kick off like this e.g. fertility issues? Because it seems quite an extreme reaction if not.

Will the child live nearby?
I think if she never sees the child that might help.

(Not you OP, but other posters) You can’t say it’s none of her business. This child, to HER, is exactly the same as the children he had with the OP. She’s allowed to feel sad that she won’t be able to be an Aunty to this child. She’s allowed to be honest about her feelings and be listened to.

OP, that’s where it ends though. It’s understandable & sad that she feels like this (but she has been a bit nasty with some of the things she has said).

There’s no need to escalate bad feelings by saying what Autumn said though, that’s not going to help.

I think you and DH need to go and talk to her (ignore the nasty comments she made), tell her you understand how hard she is finding this and you’re sorry that it’s hurting her, tell her you have taken her feelings into account, but have decided that you are going ahead with it because you feel it’s the right thing to do. Explain that have you have spent a lot of time thinking about it & discussing it together, and with your friends as well and are happy with the decision you have made, but are sorry she is upset.

Don’t change your minds if you are SURE you can both handle it and if you feel you have spoken to enough well informed people who could enlighten you on the reality of having done this. I know I could not do it. I just couldn’t NOT feel the child was as much ours as our other children & any issues with the way they were parenting the child would really upset me. Plus, if we fell out with them or they chose to go and live overseas I’d be devastated. There’s one friend in particular I’d have done it for if she’d asked (me or my partner depending on what was required), but having seen how her DH parented their children was hard enough to deal with, I couldn’t have coped at all in this situation.

Thanks for the replies.

DH’s sister has thrown hissy fits and caused big upsets in the past about things - so I probably shouldn’t have been surprised. This is however a new scale for her.
Our friends live about 4 hours drive from us so not close by - any meet ups are pre-arranged, we wouldn’t just bump into them. They aren’t social media users either.
DH’s sperm dramatically improved after he made some lifestyle changes, he’s just been tested again and he’s on the lower side of average but our friends are happy with that.
I think getting her to talk to our friends is a good idea, but I’d want to control her somehow (she’s said some horrible things when upset like they don’t deserve to be parents as they can’t conceive... I’d be mortified if she said this to their faces)
We’ve spoken to lots of people and a counsellor about the potential implications and our concerns... perhaps this is something we can offer to her too. We haven’t entered into this lightly.
No there are no fertility issues for her as far as I’m aware. She has just started a relationship with a new bloke so quite far off kids still I think.
She says this has triggered her PTSD about her dad (he had an unexplained death about 6 years ago) and is accusing DH of ‘abandoning’ this child like she feels her dad abandoned her

What a pity you were advised to tell DH's family. What was the reasoning behind this I wonder?

I do think they should know if they have a relative. The little child could look identical to your DH. If they ever saw him ( a king shot) it could be a big shock to them.

I honestly think I would lie to his sister and tell her you’ve decided against it. It sounds like she may try to get in contact with this potential child and cause a fuss. Stupid woman.

*a big shot

SIL obviously can't cope with the concept.

I would tell her you're not going ahead with it, then do what the hell you like.

It's none of my business what my DB dies with his sperm. I may have 100 DN as far as I know.

Yeah I am kicking myself a bit for thinking it was a good idea to tell her! I just thought she might be a bit more grown up about this (she is 31!!) I guess the point of telling them is that if the potential child wants more contact in the future then they’re aware they exist rather than it being a shock

She’s just threatened (via text) to tell the rest of DHs family ( his aunts, uncles, etc) so they can all weigh in

Yep she did say that even if DH didn’t want a close relationship with the child she’d be pursuing one... I better tell my friends about that one!

She really thinks she’s something, eh? I hope the rest of the family tell her it’s a good thing he’s doing and to get the hell over herself.