DH's sister upset about him wanting to be a known donor

[lifeisarollercoasterbaby]

About 3 months ago some good friends of ours approached us to ask if DH would be a known donor for them, using IVF. We were very surprised by the request, but had several catch ups with them to understand how it would work and the implications, and after much debate decided it was the right thing to do - we both initially had concerns but they were answered and now we're both happy with the process and to go forward.
DH will not be 'dad', but will be a family friend that the child can ask questions of as they grow up, on the research they have done this is good for the child (has been confirmed to us by a child psychologist).
Recently they contacted us, saying that they'd got some advice and that we should inform DH's immediate family - essentially his mum and sister. Our friends said they were happy for his family to have contact with the potential child, but they wouldn't be considered 'grandma' or 'aunty' etc (same as the fact that DH isn't Dad).
So we told them, face to face, explaining why we'd come to the decision.
Enter - disaster!
DH's mum is calm but worried about the impact the potential future child will have on our family... fine, I can understand that - there is risk involved.
DH's sister is angry, hurt and very upset - mainly saying DH is abandoning the child and denying her the right to be an aunty to the child. She's accusing DH of being cold and unloving. She's saying she will love the potential child as much as she loves our own two children and will not accept that she can't see him/her on birthdays, christmas etc.
We've tried talking to her several times but she's now saying she can't sleep, it's affecting her work & life, we've upset her too greatly, we've caused a rift in the family, etc etc.
This has obviously upset DH (and me!) a lot as during her upset periods about this she has said some pretty nasty things about both of us and although she can be a handful, she's his sister and he doesn't want to cause her pain.
Now we had to have IVF and had to consider donor sperm for our treatment, which is maybe why we think about this differently to her. To us, family isn't necessarily genetic - it's so many factors that genes are only a small part of.
So now we're in a dilemma - do we put his sisters feelings first and say no to our friends (even though it feels like emotional blackmail) or do we go ahead and let her hopefully get over it in her own time...
Thoughts?

As others have said, she has no "right" to see your current DCs at any particular point in time.
Bear in mind though that this potential DC may want a relationship with your DH, your children, and your SIL in the future - so you/they may have this to come anyway.

Just tell her that you've decided not to go ahead. She sounds like a self-involved pita.

Hopefully she'll have chilled out in 20 years if the child decides to have contact.

Don’t tell her you’ve changed your mind! It’ll only validate her opinion that it was wrong for you and that she knows best. People like her need putting in place. Who does she think she is?!

Don't put her in touch with your friends that's not fair on them. Warn your friends she hasn't taken it well tell them what she has said about pursuing a close relationship. Let them decide if she tips the balance or not. She has no rights to a relationship but if she's the type to cause issues trying to find them/contact them ect they may re think things that's up to them.

If you and DH and the other couple want to go ahead let her rage on. She was told out to make things better down the line not for opinion. Does her opinion change how either of you feel about it? I wouldn't give her anymore information though when you start the process if it's successful ect.

She sounds fucking unhinged. Cut ties, I would.

Her involvement needs putting to bed. If you and your partner are 100% sure, then go for it. As someone else said, it may not work, but it might,and if it does, the donor and their family have no legal rights over the child. The sister needs to be told that, and that her input is not welcome and is bordering on offensive. The only thing I'd say (and do check this, but I think I'm right) that on the child's 18th birthday they can be given their donor's details, so if you've lost touch with the friends, you'll have to deal with the child potentially getting in touch, which could be lovely but is worth being prepared for. But do double check I'm right on that (the fertility councillors will know). Good luck with it all, you're doing an amazing thing

I think your DH probably needs to tell the friends about his sister's reaction. They should have the choice not to go ahead with DH if it's going to create a load of hassle for them in the future.

I would then be very clear with the sister that if the couple decide not to go ahead it is because of her staggering and self-centred over-reaction. If they do decide to go ahead, it is despite this and she is in no way to attempt to overstep the boundaries that will be put in place. I would not put it past her to tell your own children, and I think you need to consider that risk.

Don't think you should tell her you have changed your mind - i'd just cut her down and end the dialogue - this is YOUR decision, really is absolutely nothing to do with her - although agree with PP re informing friends that family has had bad reaction but happy to go ahead as long as they are etc.

She sounds evil.
I’m not sure I’d want someone so cruel around my kids at all, I mean the ones you already have!
I’d tell your friends and go from there. After all, it was their suggestion to tell family.

This decision is something you'll live with the rest of your life. You were happy to do that before your SiL weighed in.

I don't think she should influence your decision. You were happy with it before, she shouldn't change that.

Tell her you've changed your minds, go ahead anyway and frankly, cross the bridge of the child possibly wanting more contact later on when it happens. If she complains and throws another hissy fit that you lied - well, you've learned how to handle her fits haven't you?

tbh actually, practicality aside, anyone who resorts to emotional blackmail like "if you do this Ill tell everyone else!" would get bloody short shrift from me anyway. If anyone was foolish enough to weigh in - if - it's none of their concern.

Seems to me her hissy fits are holding you to ransom.

There are legal ramifications here too. The mother could apply for child support from the genetic father, and the father could seek access to the child even against the wishes of the mother. If the sperm is obtained from an official sperm bank both parties are protected against these possibilities.

So we had DHs Mum and sis over today to have another talk. Things haven’t changed really - DHs Mum would ideally want to be ‘grandma’ but would understand if that’s not what our friends want and said she’d be sad for a bit then get over it.
DHs sis said again that she would want the same relationship with the potential child as our DCs (birthdays, Christmas, holidays, regular visits), and anything less than that would make her very upset forever more.
I told her this would be unreasonable as me & DH won’t even be having near this level of contact and it will impact the child.
DH then told her if you’re insisting on that its putting unreasonable demands on our friends and it won’t go ahead, at which point she cried again because it’d be her fault it didn’t go ahead!

scott72 we’ve checked into this legally and the same applies as if they’re going through a sperm bank as that’s where DH will be donating - just to a known person rather than an unknown

Hmm. It's mean, but you could point out to her that your friends will be heartbroken if you can't go ahead.

It's one HELL of an honour to be chosen as a known sperm donor, I think she should be bloody impressed her brother is so highly regarded.

Yes we definitely do need to tell our friends about their reactions and what they are asking - we’re just deciding how to tell them as none of us were expecting this... I don’t want them to be too disappointed or upset themselves about the situation, they’ve been through enough hardships to get to this point

What a self-absorbed drama queen. All about her isn’t it.
I think what you’re doing is fantastic and as you’ve clearly thought about it very carefully, you should go ahead, and tell her you’ve taken on board her comments, but she won’t be getting involved - as clearly you won’t be. (Ie this is fuck all to do with you, now stop with the dramatics).

She sounds absolutely unbearable. So not only does she want you to change your mind and let your friends down, but she wants you to lie as to why, so as to spare her feelings?

I’d be so fucking done with her and her selfish shit.

I also think it's a massive honour.

I'd be really happy if someone wanted DHs.

Do they (family) really need to know? Only becomes an issue if by some random chance the kid meets a cousin or something way in the future? Or am I being simplistic?

What a drama queen. Hope karma is waiting for her and has to deal with infertility problems in the future and might regret all this behaviour

From your initial post this sentence has stucked in my mind “To us, family isn't necessarily genetic - it's so many factors that genes are only a small part of”. Sometimes friends are closer to us than family and deserve much more than our closer people

She's behaving appalling.
I really hope it all works out.
He'd be doing such a wonderful thing.

She needs to be told straight to back the fuck out of your (as in you and your husband) business.

I can kind if see where she is coming from though.. although your DH will not be dad. But realisticly. He is blood related. Really. Although he's not dad. He IS blood related.
Maybe Dsis can't get her head around the fact he will legally have a blood relative. A baby blood relative that she can not see because it is not her DBRO. Even though it's his blood. Do you see where i am coming from?
It doesn't help that the baby will be brought up around you. That must be tough on you all.

It is your business and you have a right to tell them all to fuck off. But you also have to understand, They are entitled to there opinion. Whether you agree or not.

I wish you and your DH the very best in your journey!!
Good luck to you both

Sorry, but I am completely against the consensus on this thread.
Yes it is yours and your DH choice, but this potential baby is biologically your husband’s child, so his sister’s reaction is to my mind understandable.
I love my nephews and nieces, much more than even the closest of friends children. I see my siblings and our family in them.

I can understand having been through ivfyou have a different perspective on the donation. Cut your sil some slack, and I’m sure you’re mil will not “ get over it” in a hurry, she is probably just not trying to make waves.

You say you've spoken to your friends about this, have you spoken to IVF professionals? One of my best friends was very strongly advised against this by her NHS fertility clinic. Her sister had offered to donate her eggs as my friend had no more.

The clinic basically said that it while seems like good idea in theory, their experience of known donors particularly family or close friends - people don't realise what feelings will kick in once the baby arrives and it can cause emotional mayhem and disrupt relationships.

Your DH's idea of some distant child who can sometimes ask him questions - I'm not sure if that is realistic. What if he wants to have a closer relationship with the child when it arrives? How would your friends cope with that? Will he actually be able to leave all choices about this child's life to someone else? How will you cope not being close to your DH's child? Etc.

While I can see SIL is being a bit dramatic, I would find it very hard if my own sister had a kid I couldn't see.

Whilst I agree she does have the right to her own opinion on this, I don’t think she has the right to use what seems like emotional blackmail to stop it happening.
I guess it’s really hard for me & DH to understand her perspective as our idea of family and who makes up our family really has not much to do with blood ties.
The baby will live at least 4 hours away, and we currently see these friends about twice a year.
The counselling we went to was at the IVF clinic, it was something they insisted on before they would even let us contemplate starting the process. I personally think there isn’t a risk that DH will want a closer relationship with this child - we’ve explored how he might feel about it, and in every conversation he comes back to the fact he (& I) believe he is helping our friends have a child rather than adding someone else into our extended family. Again this is probably because we had to consider donation for our IVF cycle